Yes, I did steal this from Brittnee's blog. It was too crazy to only be posted in one place I think. Perhaps he shouldn't get a new penis if he was dumb enough to piss the old one away? Literally...

Anyway, not much going on here, lots of organic studying. I'm not freaked out about the test yet, but I do have 2 more practice tests to do (granted I've done decently well on the first 2) We shall see, we shall see... My goal: beat a 97. Guess whose 97 it is :P But hey, at least I've got goals, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought I'd get a little time off after my orgo test Friday, but it seems that Saturday morning/afternoon (depending on when I get up :P) I'm going up to the Woodlands to catch up on all the engi math I've fallen behind on due to all my orgo studying. (for that test Tuesday) Ah, and just when I thought I'd get a break there....here comes the phys test that I will be studying for from Tuesday til Friday. Then, after much toil, I do get a break. Which makes me happy. Very happy. YAY. Ooh, why am I even writing this? I need to be studying. Oops. Byebye.

:-(

You know that feeling you get when you do something that comes from the back of your mind and you just type it and don't really know exactly what you're saying? And you look back and you read it and somehow it makes sense and you feel a little bit better because you got something out that wasn't really bothering you and isn't truly the way you feel, but it's that little nagging thing that you think about every once in a while? I shouldn't do that anymore, because when people do the same in response to me...it sucks a lot and makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I think I might start another blog besides this one with a random name just to post stuff like that on. I dunno, that way I could get it out and say it but it wouldn't be something people would read so I wouldn't hurt anyone and so no one would hurt me. Perhaps thats a good idea.

Ever dislike someone so much that just so much as seeing them makes you want to explode? That hearing about their well-being makes you angry? That knowing that somehow there is someone out there who could like them gives you a feeling of utter confusion? This "you are the most terrible person in the world" mentality doesn't come from nowhere. It stems from something, and I believe that it will be there until something changes. A lot has changed, granted - and that I am thankful for because I don't think my situation would be the same had nothing changed. Maybe I'm just stingy or something, because as thankful as I am (perhaps I haven't expressed my gratitude as much as I mean to) it seems that it still isn't good enough. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I'm a giant hypocrite, but I guess I can't stop the way I feel. And right now I feel like what "should be good enough" isn't. Every time I see it i get angry, every time I get angry I leave and every time I leave all I can think about is the past. And I see it again. And again and again, every time it's "different" but every time it's the same.

I think that a "fresh start" is impossible, life is tainted and molded by the past, the past is what keeps you from doing things you would want to, the past is what makes you do things you don't. I don't think "forgive and forget" exists either. It pretends to, or rather, a person pretends to, may even actually forgive, but the incident is never forgotten. There is always that thought in the back of one's mind... "They did it before, what's stopping them from doing it again?" This is the biggest factor in tainting the past I think. Stupid decisions that are "forgiven and forgotten" but not really. I think people believe that they are forgotten, but there still is the underlying resentment, even if it's just a tiny bit. I think that people enjoy the pain that comes with failure, otherwise they wouldn't screw up so often.

I think that I have no idea what I just wrote...it came and went without my mind processing it. Take that as you will....

Apparently I thrive on pity, have a terrible fear of being alone and am constantly in a state where something is wrong - physically/mentally.

Comments welcome. *shrug* What've I got to lose?

I just read Brittnee's latest blog...wow chica where did that come from??? hehe freakin' awesome. I had to say something about it, I just had to. :P For those of you too lazy to click on the link....shame on you I'm not going to steal it from her. Click on the damn link. CLICK ON IT! Oh, and Jason: you need to update. I'm tired of looking at the really old blog. Blake...you too. The angry Amanda post is old :P So hah!

I don't want to finish my paper. I'm at the 3 and 1/2 page point and I'm stuck. I really need to finish it because I've got physics to do and I want to get it to Blake so he can look over it without being rushed or annoyed. *sigh* This is why I'm an engineer and not a "liberal arts/social science" major. A few of us were talking about the term 'social science'. But I'm not going to get into that now. Instead I'm going to make myself finish my paper. Yes, finish the paper, Heather, finish the paper....

Is gratuity the right word?

I've decided that people call far too much attention to themselves. I really wish my digital camera still worked. In fact, I might buy a new one. I think I am going to set up a photo blog based on the pictures of terribly gratuitous things. This started as my comment of "the gratuitous truck of the day" speaking about all of the giant, jacked up, 'penis compensating' trucks out there with the bars and the lights and god knows what else. I might see them as slightly less gratuitous if they weren't squeaky fucking clean. I mean these trucks have never even seen dirt. *sigh* Yes, this is how it started. And then came the creepy lady who must've been in her late 30s to early 40s (ie supposed to be professional and....in the workforce) with bright pink hair. I mean hot pink and down near her waist. She became gratuitous person #1. Now I search for these people, vehicles, and other gratuitous things, hoping to find them and wishing I had a camera. So if you see a link go up on the side of my blog or in my profile, click on it...it might be funny....or at the least....gratuitous :P

You've had warning.

Ok, Haloscan = not working....guess I'll have to use retard Blogger comments. *sigh*

Dammit, I wanted to change the look of my blog...that's it...and now....all my old comments.....GONE. POOF! Grrrr stupid not knowing html....oh well...I guess I'll have to start fresh....here we go again.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

How Many Licks...?

A group of engineering students from Purdue University recorded that their licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. They tried the same licking test on 20 volunteers and found that the average licks to the center were 252 licks.

A chemical engineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recorded that his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per Tootsie Pop.

A group of students at Swathmore School used human lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took an average of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Based on the wide range of results from these scientific studies, it is clear that the world may never know how many licks it really takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

Figured I'd update...it seems necessary. Class is going suprisingly well so far... I'm impressed. I've been studying and doing my work and trying to keep up; and thus far it's been working and I feel like I comprehend everything I need to be comprehending. I need to look over some Orgo stuff cuz we learned some new structure diagrams (I think that's what they're called) yesterday, and I have to finish my lab to turn in tomorrow, and I need to finish my engi math stuff, but I think I can do the last two pretty quickly and then spend some quality time with my giant orgo book doing examples to make sure I understand. Because understanding is good.

Ok, so that was the "nerd" section of my post...where I talk about class and HW and stuff...

I think I've realized some important feelings/emotions in the last few days. I've realized what it's like to push a choice and get nowhere and then give up and stop pushing and somehow it all falls into place. I've realized what it's like to feel guilty about not feeling guilty (think about that one, I think it makes sense?) I've realized that maybe the past should be put there and the future should stay there...and maybe I should just live for the moment because that's all I really have. I think the more that I start to look to the future and try to mold it into what I want to be and where I want to be and what I want to be doing the more I screw it up. Maybe that's "something" telling me that I should stop trying to fuck with things and just go. Stop uncertainties and decide...all that kind of thing.

Have you ever heard about something and felt bad about what happened and then you hear who it's about and you don't feel bad anymore? Is that "wrong"? Yes, I'm being vague. No it's probably not what you're thinking. Comments welcome. Really.

Yes, I did delete the last post. You probably read it anyway.

So, school has started now...suprisingly more of a letdown than I would have hoped. I mean, it's great to be back in the dorms (ie away from home), it's great to see everyone again, it's great to be back....but so much crap that I've had to deal with already. Jeez..! But eh it's not that important. What's important is that after the not-so-good summer, I'm back to things being okay. We're back to it too. Which is good.

I went for a little while kind of lost....I didn't know where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I led myself astray; I was both the wolf and the sheep. I felt as if what had seemed so right wasn't -- like I had been turned upside down and shaken until my brain oozed out my ears. I think I can say that I've stuffed by brain back in and things seem to be calming, more things are being realized, less forgotten. I want to find myself still, I'm climbing my way back, one hand over the other... "a tenth of a mile at a time". I want everything to be allright, I would say that I want the world, but I don't. The world is a terrible terrible place, and I think I am much happier here, with just a small part of it.

Go to sleep, tiny dancer...

I had such a fun week last week, hung out with really awesome people that I'm gonna miss lots :( (come visit!) saw lots of funny movies, played pool, had good food (the molten chocolate thingy at Chili's ROCKS) and lots of other stuff.

Can't wait til I get back to a decent net connection so I can d/l music at a reasonable speed again. Started packing about...30 minutes ago. Yay for moving back to UH. I'm so excited :) About retreat too. Can't wait to see everyone again and meet all the new people and all that. I've decided that college would be great if it weren't for all the damn classes. I might go to Austin over Labor Day to see Alana at UT, since she's come down here like twice now (granted she did live here for like...til she graduated) I dunno, it's all still in the planning stages, we'll see as it gets close I suppose...class might prove more bastardly even than I plan....and I plan on it being pretty bastardly...

Hmm, well I should probably finish packing and loading shit into my car so I can leave ASAP tomorrow...don't want to be here any longer than I have to...no really. I don't. At all. Not even a little.

I went to this really awesome Cajun restaurant with Chris last night before the random concert thing. It was really good, one of those little restaurants not many people know about kind of things...great gumbo (not as good as Shana's mommys gumbo though of course) So then we went to the random concert at this random place and watched people mosh because Chris got to be the "hold-the-money-box" bitch. I thought the band was pretty good, a lot of "screamy" bands (for lack of time to think of a better word) don't do it very well, but they were definitely an exception to that. Still not sure what Roman was saying, but it sounded good :P Saw the first Spiderman finally so now I can go see the 2nd one.

I've also realized that playing pool is really fun. I think it's totally dependent on the people you're with, but then again I guess that goes for everything... and I think it's kind of made me realize that some people just try not to have fun. I'm not sure how to explain it, it's like maybe they think they're "too mature" for fun or something, but whatever. I don't think that's what maturity is. But if it is, I think I'll pass. Fuck that, I can be serious and work-oriented. But that doesn't mean I don't want to have fun when I'm done.

Well, I'm off for another exciting night of "hmm, what should I do tonight...? *ring ring* hey, what's up yeah I'm pretty bored no I dunno what I'm doing tonight oh yeah? sure, sounds cool. *hang up* mom I'm going out, be back later no mom I don't know what we're doing yet...do i ever? ok mom I'll call... *door shuts, car starts*"

Wow, that was spastic :P Somehow it always ends up being fun though :-D yay!

Went to play pool, it was super fun, I should do that more often. :P Got to see a few people that I haven't seen in almost a year and some people I see on a more regular basis, at least for the summer
We were gonna go to Le Behr's but it got too late too quick, so that trip got postponed. Then we were gonna go swimming but by the time everybody got something to swim in and we got to the hotel that we know the guy who works there only like 2 people were left ready to swim... so that fell thru too. So we just ended up pretty much playing pool and then driving around. But it was SOOO fun :)
Oh man, what now? :-/ Yipe....

Adiuva Me

I guess my recent blogs must not be very interesting to anyone...not a single comment since the 29th...and lotsa people are reading...or at least pretending to I guess. Eh, whatever, this place is more for me anyway, you just get to look at it. And comment. Or not :P

Saw Manchurian Candidate tonight. Denzel Washington, once again, amazing. Liev Schreiber, also, amazing. The movie, twisted as hell. Overall, very good.

I think I should take a vacation to Fiji. A really long one. I think the word for that is 'move'.

So after feeling absolutely wonderful after frisbee last night, tonight I think I might dig a really big hole and live there for eternity. Yay for a giant river of emotion toppling over my tettering wall of sanity. Maybe I should just play frisbee everyday or something...at least then I'd have more contact with people than a blinking monitor. Maybe that's my problem...I don't get out enough. But probably not.

Radio - Alkaline Trio another favorite song of the moment, along with
The Freshman - The Verve Pipe

I'm completely down-to-earth! Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

You are the most in touch with knowledge. It's the tree of life from which you tap the sap. You know what you want and you know how to reasonably get it.

Virtues: You respect people with plans. When someone has their head on their shoulders, you know that they can see straightforward and keep their eyes on the mark. When it comes to looking at the future, you take a logical approach: what's within your ability? A fortunate attribute that you have is the ability to set a goal for yourself, higher than maybe you feel possible, but still keep yourself within reasonable bounds. You take the time to appreciate those surrounding you and they do appreciate you in return. Decision-making comes naturally to you when you take the time to consider each option. People only come to talk to you when they are looking for a logical, reasonable solution.

Aspirations: You have an idea of what you can do with your life, but you push it up a notch. You need a profession that you can enjoy, so work towards it. You want to live near your friends and family while being as far away as possible. You also want to settle down while working in excitement and variation.

Quirks: You don't appreciate drama queens and they don't appreciate you. When they need help, they won't seek you out because of your ability to see through their overly dramatic predicaments. You have leeway for humor, and sometimes love to participate in it, but when it becomes irrational behavior, others can count you out. Loud noises are bothersome, except when they come from you or your friends.

Factors: Reach for the sky! Don't decide to do something because you're merely good at it, but choose something you might like to do, despite whether you're sure you can master it or not. Don't only save room for a few empathetic friends, but open up to everyone.

Future: When looking for a job, if you work in all of your talents (logic, decision-making, planning, and definitely humor), you'll find yourself happy. Come to a compromise for location; live nearby your friends and take periodic vacations or live farther away and take frequent return trips.

So you know when you were a little kid and some kid did something mean to you and you told your mom/dad and they went out and "talked" to the kid and everything was "all better"? Yeah, why are problems so much harder to solve now? What did our parents do to fix whatever was wrong and why can't we do the same and fix the problems now? *sigh*

"Domine, Domine, Deus
Domine, Adiuva Me"

So I think I pretty much found people to fix my computer. I'm looking at 2 companies; one I will order the screen and casing from and replace it myself, and the other I will take my computer to and they will put a new screen into the existing casing (ie I couldn't do that myself) So the company I'd order from is cheaper, but in like...Pennsylvania or something. The other company is slightly more expensive, but they'd be doing all the install stuff, with warranty (not that I trust warranties anymore...) and they're close, somewhere downtown. So one way my comp would be out of comission for a bit, the other I'd take to them and have it back a few hours later... we'll see soon I guess.

So recently an old song has come to mind a lot. I'm not sure why, granted it used to be one of my favorite songs, but it just seems kind of odd that it would come up now. As I sit here, it seems that the lyrics are the only thing that run through my head, that they are all I can really fixate my thoughts on, though so many other things run through my thoughts that is the only one that has stayed undaunted through the last few days. I find myself singing it at splashtown, humming it in my room, thinking about it as I lay down to sleep. Funny how these things come up at just a moment when you think they never would.

I was reading Kellie's blog and about how she said that through all the problems she's had, happiness was never one of them. I found that to be amazing. Granted I haven't had a terrible life by any stretch of the imagination, especially compared to the things she's put up with for so long, but it seems like happiness is like the tide; it's something that comes and goes for me. I've not ever really been at a point where I "wasn't sure" if I was happy or not. I guess that might be a bad thing, but I've always either been happy with things or unhappy with them. And now I have to go take a shower so Jason and I can go get his daddy a present. So there goes that train of thought. Derailed for now.