Awaiting the fireworks

So Christmas is over, the presents all given and recieved, the food all eaten (except a little strawberry pie I'm hiding in the back of the fridge hehehe). I think I'm better off than I was before Christmas, in pretty much every way possible. It's amazing to me how just a holiday can make things better. Just the "spirit" of Christmas can bring a person from tears of worry and sadness to tears of joy. This Christmas was kind of odd though. It felt like Christmas, but at the same time...it didn't. I really missed my Grandma this year...it's odd to me how she's been gone almost 3 years. It seems like barely 6 months ago to me... everything has been moving so quickly. I look back and my head is spinning at everything I've missed. There are so many more things I've wanted to do by now...I want to slow time so that I can go through and enjoy every beautiful thing that confronts me. I feel like I'm being shoved through a small hole and told that my only objective, my only focus, is BME. I am to have no life, no free time, no friends. I realized over the break that my best friend...the person that I talked to about everything up until college...that I hadn't seen her in 6 months. I found that ridiculous. I know that I'm supposed to be moving beyond everything, but... to leave a best friend behind? Sometimes I look at the path I am leading and wonder if anyone will even be there at the end. In 3, 5 ,10 years, will there be anyone there? I hope so. I've been wondering if the path I have taken is the right one for me. Should I really be an engineer? I mean, come on, look at me...do I look like an "aspiring ENGINEER"??? I don't know what else I would do, but sometimes I think I'm making a bad choice. It's not a very good feeling. Being somewhere you aren't sure you want to be...with nowhere else you want to go... I know what I don't want, but somehow that doesn't narrow it down enough. I just hope I don't end up at the end of a dark tunnel with nothing surrounding me but blank faces and shattered dreams.

So this whole "break" thing...I don't think it understands what it is. It's supposed to be a time between mass schoolwork in which I don't do too much of anything and just kinda sit around and relax and be happy. Well, the break decided to say "fuck you Heather". The first few days were good, but after that it's been filled with lack of sleeping, sleeping pill and anti-twitch cocktails to go to sleep and appointments. Oh, and I found out I'm anemic too. Apparently quite a bit so. That's why (up until a few days ago) I'd been sleeping so much I guess. So the lady told me some stuff to eat and some stuff to drink and etc etc etc, so that's gonna get worked on sometime too. I'm tired of dealing with things, I'm tired of things being my fault, I'm tired of being a terrible person, I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired...of being tired. Oh, and Merry Christmas. And if anyone wishes me a Happy Christmahanukwanzmekah I'll kill them. Stupid commercial. I think Blake might have been right, it's going to be the next damn Hallmark holdiay. If they don't sue them for stealing it.....

Ever seen that Christmas story where you have Coldmeiser and Heatmieser? And everything Coldmeiser touches turns to ice and everything Heatmeiser touches melts? Separate, they brought pretty much destruction...but ever wonder what would happen if they both touched the same thing at the same time? Interesting question. Yes, this has purpose... I'm getting there. I think sometimes people don't see things like these. They see the small picture, the petty arguments, the stupid bad things, but don't look at what happens when everything combines. I do it too, and I really should stop. What I'm trying to say is, perhaps we should stand back and look before us, at what we have had part in creating. I know you're probably saying "oh god please don't say we should join hands and sing Kumbaya" No, that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that as of late I think I have missed out on a lot of beautiful and wonderful things that have happened both around me and to me. I have taken words for granted, and only realized this when they were not spoken. I have taken small things that I really do appreciate for granted, once again not realizing until they are removed. I miss them when they are gone, and once they return I cherish them so much more. People as well, though sometimes I don't act it...my apologies for this. I miss people a lot when they're gone...

2 down 2 to go!

2 finals...over! just 2 more on Tuesday and I'm all done. About freakin' time....

So I'm at home to see my puppy, she got home from the vet Tuesday with her heartworm stuff and this is the first chance I've had to come check on her. She's doing really well, which makes me happy :-D

That's pretty much all for now I guess. Going to Jason's Christmas party for his job tomara, that should be fun. :) I miss getting to do stuff like that, especially with him. It's a nice change :-D
Then back to studying... :(

1 down 3 to go!

So the orgo final. Over. YAAY! And, not to jinx it, but I think I did well. I hope so, I could use the A. Definitely. Next up...engi math. That one could be a bit more difficult, especially since everyone I know that I could study with in the class is...lets say "not doing so well." I wish I knew those smart people who sit in the front and always make A's. FUCK THEM. The assholes. >:( But anyway, I have to do well on my physics final too, if I want the B or maybe MAYBE (slim chance in hell) the B+ that I'm wishing for. Stupid physucks. Grrr. Stupid of stupidness.

So that's about all that's going on. My dog went in to the vet today for her heartworm treatment (that's the price for picking up a stray) but she's so worth it. She's the sweetest thing ever :) even if she doesn't listen too well sometimes. They said she can come home tomorrow or maybe Wednesday depending on how she is, but that so far she's doing really well. Poor pup :( I hope she gets to go home soon.

I found a song that I think explains things pretty well...Well I didn't find it really, I was just listening to the CD and was actually listening to this part instead of it being background music, and heard the words and...yeah...

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they’re falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
~Evanescence; Imaginary

My own little world seems so inviting, if people saw it but for just a moment they'd want to take it away...

So I had a post about everything I feel right now, well kinda...more like everything I feel in comparative terms to things people can understand...but I decided that it would be confused for something else, a rant about Jason (which it was not) a poor me sad story (which it was not) or something else...which it also was not. So it's not there. It's chilling on my computer with all the other blogs that never made it to post. Instead you get bullshit fluff crap about how I had a post but decided that some people shouldn't see my feelings.

Oh and you also get this:
No, no you don't
end

So I want the damn break to be here, I want the semester to be over. I don't get to go to New York this Christmas, that kinda makes me sad, but it makes me look forward to the summer, when I will be able to go. The Thanksgiving trip to New Braunfels... also cancelled because of the rain, that sucks too. Hopefully interesting things will still happen. I almost want to say that I can't wait to go home, I want to see my puppy (it's been over a week). But I know it's gonna be pretty boring otherwise. Which isn't really a problem actually it'll prally be kinda nice....but I know there's so much stuff I need to do over break... and I want to spend time with my family, but all the shit I gotta do is going to keep that from happening excessively... We're going to Cleveland (not Ohio) for T-day, and maybe Saturday or Sunday my mom and I will do Christmas decorating stuff. I can already tell that I'm not going to want to come back to school, and studying for finals is going to be really hard, but hopefully this semester will be rewarding. I'm feeling pretty good about all of my classes (except I'm kinda worried about physics) but his curve and my A on the 1st test should hopeully make that grade bearable. I don't want to inish my stupid paper....it makes me sad. So it's 3 am and I have a 1/4 of a page to go. I think I might just fuck with the margins a little. Ok well back to that, I'm pretty much out of stuf to say....

So my Quizilla fix for...a while...

I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla


SWEET TEEN!!! Yes you are a teenager mmmm from 13
- 19 quite a little rebel haha just kidding...
You think as a teenager, you see everything
quite simple, soon you will realize it is not
that simple. In my opinion you look at things
in a very beautiful way. =)


. What is you inner age?
brought to you by Quizilla

Orgo test III...finally over. Unfortunately the lab final is Monday. I'm not exactly sure what to expect. Luckily Dr. Bean wrote the fianl instead of the TA's, so maybe it won't be filled with random bullshit that no one knows anyway. I think I did really well on my orgo test, despite the fact that I could have really fucked up a 25 something point section (stupid facts :-/) Oh well, I potentially fixed the 1 point above the curve grade from last time. Hopefully.

So I think that professors shouldn't all think that it's necessary to cram the last bit of shit they feel they need to teach into the last week (or 2 days) before Thanksgiving break. It's like "hey they're getting a break! Let's shove so much shit in before it that it becomes not worth the effort because we're asshole professors! Yaaaay!" Eh, oh well, the semester is almost over, thank goodness. Unfortunately next semester seems like it might be filled with just as much if not more rapage. Stupid ECE classes. Do I look like I want to ever touch a computer for anything but websurfing, AIM, email and the occasional word processing/spreadsheet? Fuck no! If I want something that isn't included in that list done, I'll hire someone to do it. Duh. Which is why all these other people taking these classes are there...and I shouldn't be. The CHEE class I'm taking could be cool. Or really really bad, depending on how Dr. Capitano is. I'm hoping for choice 1.

In other news, my puppy is doing well. Apparently she is a GIANT spaz. heh, which is awesome. But my mom told me that whenever the phone rings in the shop and the door is open, Jackie (the dog) goes in and looks at the phone like "what the hell is that" and then takes a shoe from the shoe rack just below the phone and brings it to her bed. She doesn't chew on them, doesn't do anything to them, just carries it from the rack to her bed. Apparently there was a pile of about 8 shoes there yesterday. Hmm, I think I have a dog who can tell me how many calls I miss while I'm gone. heh. And you thought she was good for nothin'. My mom is making her an appointment with the vet that is going to do her heartworm stuff next week. I really hope I'm home for that so that I can take care of her and make sure she's ok for the month she's gotta be 'waiting'. Poor puppy. She still doesn't understand "fetch" though...we're getting there though....slowly but surely :P

I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel like I'm failing in all aspects of life. I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden, everything gets all fucked up. I can't have the things I want, I don't want the things I'm getting and I'm not getting anything. I feel like I should just quit at life and go live under a bridge.

On the bright side my puppy remembers me and follows me around when I'm home. I think I should just stay with her all the time. She makes me happy, like maybe I actually did something right.

Back to orgo I guess...... *sigh*

Ian is the coolest.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz


Hmm...

Apparently my blog has become boring, nobody seems to comment anymore....eh whatever....

Burnout. Not the game either.

So organic make Heather cry. I don't want to study just because I don't want to see just how much I don't know. I guess everybody was right. I shouldn't have spent all summer in school, I'm burnt out. I don't want to study, I don't want to be in class, I just want to do nothing. Like this weekend, Jason and I went to my house and ended up helping my uncle move all the brush on his land into piles and burn it. It was good. I wasn't doing school, I wasn't doing med center crap, I wasn't doing nothing, I was just doing something that felt like I was getting something accomplished. *sigh* looking forward to Thanksgiving break, maybe going to New Braunfels with Jason. Looking forward to Christmas Break, ending this semester, maybe going to NY again, relaxing, maybe a job in addition to med ctr stuff....maybe not. We'll see. Yeah, looking forward to a lot of stuff that isn't right now. Wishing it kinda was. That's about it, I'm forcing myself to go study now. An A or B is necessary for this exam and I'm going to get it dammit.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Learning? In an education?

This might seem like an ordinary rant, but I think I actually might have something profound. Maybe? I dunno, if you don't want to read the rant, jsut skip down to the end. *shrug* it might be worth your while. Then again, it might not and you will have just wasted your time.

So I was doing well. And then something happened. I don't know what though. And now I have to double my efforts from the beginning of the year to fix it. I hate school. I hate work. I almost wish I wouldn't have gotten my stipend so I wouldn't feel obliged to go. Next semester is going to be hell. I think it would be OK if I didn't have to take the stupid fucking ECE classes. Do I look like an electrical engineer? Do I look like I know shit about computers? NO. And I don't really mind keeping it that way. Fuck 'em. I was looking at other schools BIOE programs, they make ours look like shit. Absolute shit. I mean we don't even take a fucking biology class for godsakes. And all we take is other engineering majors classes. We don't even have our own. You would think if they're going to make this program they would want it to succeed. Not be fucking retards about it and run a program thats starting from the ground up deeper into the ground. Honestly, I think like 1 person is truly working for the program instead of for their own personal interests and benefit. Franchek is a fake who got his way to the top by smiling and sucking up. Metcalfe is a good guy honestly, but he seems like he's got far too much on his plate to deal with this right now. I'm not too sure about the faculty they just brought in, they're obviously more faculty members than people fixing the program. Dr. Tran, it seems, is the only one really interested in the students; what we have to say, what we're going through, what seems like it will be the best option for us. She really seems like the only one who is open to not only faculty ideas, but student ideas as well. And I hold a lot of respect of her for this. Dr. Metcalfe as well, because it kind of seems as if he just got responsibilities pushed onto him by everyone at the start of the program. I dunno, I guess this is what being in a pilot program means: literally just making it up as you go. But one would think that they would plan just a little further ahead as to not make the students suffer quite so much at the very last minute. But I guess that learning isn't what an education is all about anymore. It's a business just like any other business, and for that I think we will dearly pay. Quite soon perhaps too. But that's just my opinion.

I don't know what to do. I think I hit that "I don't know what I want to do with my life" stage that most people hit when they're like...12. All my life I've known what I wanted. Literally since I was 3 years old. Now...it has lost the shiny appealing feeling. I was talking to Jason and Hartschuh (or rather they were talking and I was just kind of listening and interjecting a little. But they're right. Doctors have become like fucking lawyers. Begging people to come to them and not 'the next guy.' Sure, maybe when I'm 50 and established I'll make a few bucks. But only after I charge the poor dying 5 year old kid $80,000 for a new kidney...and that's just my fee. Not to mention the $400 a month anti rejection medication he'll have to be on. Doctors here depress me more everyday. But still, even without that I don't know what I want to do. Honestly, I'm getting really tired of going to the med center. It was really interesting, until I pretty much found out that the things I could try to find didn't exist and that I was too stupid (or rather "didn't have the knowledge") to know how to come up with something that would work. Honestly, I'm not even sure what's being done. Everything of importance I find out or try to do I assemble and give to my boss, but really I don't hear much of anything back. I'm not exactly sure what it is that is being done right now, but it seems like a hell-lot-of-nothing.

And classes. I think the goal at this university is to screw people over. To keep them here as long as possible and to make as many schedule conflicts as you can. I have the choice of either taking the "good" professors for my classes and ending up having class 10-12 and 12-6 on Friday, with exams 3x from 7-830... OR taking the profs that people say "NO DON'T TAKE THEM!!!" and having less class everyday...i.e. spread out stuff. Damn, I love college. The screw-you-over-while-I-take-your-money attitude, the living in a cement box, the overpriced and undernourishing food. Yes, I totally understand why people want to stay in college forever. It makes perfect sense. Any more sense and I think I might believe myself.

But I should end on a good note. Things this semester are going decently. Smoothly, even. No mental breakdowns, no C's or C-'s (at least not so far). I should be happy for that which I have, instead of dreading that which is to come. Appreciative of the hours I am able to spend on comprehending what I'm doing instead of the pointless hours spent not understanding like last year. Ecstatic that my relationship...IS now a relationship. And I am all of these things. Honestly, this is the best semester I have had so far. I just wish that I could carry that on. Instead I feel as if next semester might just make me go insane. Yay.

Oh, and what would people think if my hair looked like this? Comments welcome.

So orgo. Bad. BAD. But I beat the curve (after asking for regrade) so I guess I'm happy. Had an engi math test today. super rapage. :( But apparently everyone did bad. Even the people who knew what they were doing. So that makes me feel a little better I guess. *sigh* :(

Voted. YAY! I have a say in what happens to my country. Well, kinda... you know....aloing with the other 20 bazillion people. But my vote DOES count :) so does yours if you voted.

I don't really have much to say...obviously. yeah kinda bored. BORED. booooooorrrrrrreeeeeeddddddd.
end

Not sure what's going on. Should be studying for my organic test that is in 3 hours 19 minutes and counting. But I can't concentrate too well right now. I guess I'll find out later.

Otherwise, not much going on. I'm going home tomorrow, presumably with Jason, because my mom wants me to watch my little sister. It'll be nice I guess, see my family and all, after all it has been like 2 weeks or something. And like 4 or 5 days since I've even talked to any of them. Went to the doctor, found out I'm normal. Yay for genericism. (deleted by the way) The one time I don't mind being normal is stuff like that.

I dunno, I think I'm doing everything I need to be, then randomly "I'm not." It kinda sucks. I guess that life, change is the only constant.

I was thinking about relationships the other day (not only mine, in general also). And how once you do something, it's really hard to not continue. Like how do you go 17 years sleeping alone and then after just a few weeks of having someone beside you, it seems so hard to sleep by yourself? Since when does a twin bed seem "too big" for just you? I've talked to other people who have said the same things, so I don't think it's just me. Maybe Foamy is right...we all just sit around trying to validate ourselves by being in a relationship, but when I turn and see a smiling sleepy face staring at me every morning (not so much anymore since it leaves at 645, but still, you know what I mean) it makes me pretty freakin' happy.

Well, down to 3 hours 6 minutes til orgo test...so I should probably look over those reactions some more.

I should have something to say...
Studying for Orgo test. It's not this Friday but next. I think even if I put 30 hours into it, it might still rape me. Not gonna be fun. I guess I need to understand how to put something 3-D on paper better. *sigh* Maybe that's why I like the ones that aren't meant to be 3-D. They're just flat. It makes me happy.

Kinda worried about things that are happening. Hopefully Monday will clear all that up. Til then, I guess I just have to wait. And hope it's not bad. Maybe I'm just retarded? I'd take that over some of the alternatives. Willingly.

I was reading the card Jason gave me at the beginning of the semester today. It makes me sad to see that I almost screwed up just like he did. But it makes me happy to see that I didn't. That I was willing to work it out. It makes me even happier to see that he was as well. I think we progressed farther in 2 weeks than we ever had before. I made another blog then, one that people could see but no one knew about - to express feelings I didn't feel I could express to him. It didn't help. You know what did? Telling him how I felt. Talking through half the night. Just talking. Hearing him say things that were relevant, not just random shit. Hearing about his life before me, hearing about things that were totally new to me. It's made it kind of bother me that it seems people don't think he has feelings. That they can say whatever they want to him, about him...just whatever they want...and he won't be affected. *sigh* Definitely not true. Sometimes I forget that. But I think most of the time everyone else does.

Anyway, that's just something I've noticed. I've also noticed that they're slowly...one by one...powerwashing the buildings on campus. I think that they look really good. I'm glad they're taking initiative to make the campus look nice. Perhaps next someone will do something about the terrible roads around here. *shrug* One battle at a time I suppose.

Back to studying orgo it is. Because I don't want the raping that will follow if I don't. Oh, and engi math...is the suck. But not as bad as physics. Which is the super suck. And history is just boring. I think that's why I want to do so well in orgo. It's the only class I'm taking this semester that I really like. Like enjoy. Like it's interesting. Like I'm taking orgo II, (for premed req) but I think I might've anyway, even though it's not in my degree plan. Maybe I should've done something more chem related. Eh, who knows.