Definitely a 'grrr' day...week...whatever

Just in case you were wondering, looking through page after page of hastily, badly done Excel spreadsheet for 80 billion different things....sucks. How hard is it to create a neat spreadsheet? I mean REALLY. It's not. Christ, when will people learn...if you're giving the SAME data just over different time frames...just make it the SAME FORMAT. And don't leave shit out yet expect me to have statistics for it. Dummies. I'd say 'worst spreadsheet ever' but then I'm sure someone would give me one that is worse and make me do something with it. So we'll just say bad. Annoyingly, time-wastingly bad. Oh, and making up your own abbreviations for medical terms is annoying too. They have STANDARD ABBREVIATIONS FOR EVERYTHING! I've known a lot of them for going on 4 years now. That means I learned them in highschool. You're a fuckin' RN. You should DEFINITELY know them. I bet you don't write in your charts like that. Otherwise, I bet every other RN on the floor hates you. Because no one would be able to read what the hell you are saying. Just like me. Thank goodness I'm done with the long one. Now just 2 'short' ones. Short being only 250 people (between the 2)instead of 1 with 420. And that, folks, is my random rant of the day.

Oh, but in other Heather's world news, I FINALLY got my iPod. It's fantastic. Yay me. I introduced Tyler to tapioca tea this evening. I think he liked the tea, but not the whole "chew your tea" idea. But it was pretty funny to watch anyway :) Maybe if it was more tea and just a lil tapioca it'd be better for him :P This week sucks so far. And it's just getting worse. Did decent on my circuits exam. Don't want to talk about my thermo exam. (that probably means don't ask about it) It sucks because I rather like the class, too. Or I did. Now I'm just angry when I think about it. Way to ruin something. Grr. I just need Saturday to come around. After noon. I'm going to see Chicago at 2. Then Katie is coming out at some point and staying til Sunday. I wish I could win cool stuff. Like the lottery, haha.

And now it's late and I have to be up early. Dammit. Oh, and I freakin' wanna see Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Tell me if you want to go too. Ticket stuff is on the site.

sweet delete.

Late-night blogging

seems to be quickly becoming a trend for me. One that should probably stop, since I have PLENTY to be doing. Yet here I sit, not really with much to say, with even less to say publicly, and with the hope of sleep soon settling in my mind. I saw A History of Violence, which I thought was pretty good. Weird, which added to the good. It had the guy from LOTR in it....Viggo Mor..somethin. It was definitely pushed to the graphic side, like in the first 5 minutes. Fluids is getting harder. Luckily I'm catching it in time to fix it. Get some help and whatnot. I hope. I started writing a little again. Not a lot, just enough to fill a few more pages.

A new beginning is just the end of an old one.

I want to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra when they come on Dec. 18th. I think that would be pretty awesome. Tickets aren't crazy expensive, and they're having 2 shows that day. I guess it's just the Christmas thing. The music is always pretty, and TSO just adds... "freakin' awesome" to it. *shrug* We'll see I guess.

I saw the solutions to my circuits exam. Bitchin' awesome. I don't remember what I did for the 1st question, but my answers are the same or extremely similar for the rest. Which is great. Maybe this time around I'll kick class ass instead of the other way 'round. Then again, it might not matter if I don't need it, eh?

Saw another play this weekend. On campus. I was a bit wary, but it was really good! Funny funny. Arms and the Man by George Bernard Shaw. I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. Only 2 plays left to see this semester. Maybe 3 if I find time. That one's a little iffy. I want to see Chicago too. Might get some not-so-freakin-expensive seats to that one and go see it sometime soon. Haven't decided yet.

I'm not looking forward to my thermo exam. I will be taking it 12 hours from now. :( Nobody knows what really to expect from Dr. Economou...nobody. *sigh* Such is life I suppose. Today was an unhappy day. Not really a bad day, just unhappy. I think I irritated people without meaning to. :-/ Good intentions, bad follow through I suppose. Guess I'll see tomorrow.

This made me laugh though. Just one more reason people from Rice are super plus nerdy. But it was worth the non-studying time to read it. I recommend clicking. I found another interesting site, but the link is not handy and I don't feel like looking for it right now. It was a cool zero-grav water drop thing. Complete with video. I'll look for it some other time maybe.

Andrea is going to be coaching a Special Olympics team. I thought that was cool, though something I could (or would) never do. Crazy awesome dedication to something like that. So happy birthday (yesterday) and mad props to her for being super awesome.

I can't wait for the 22nd to come and go so that I can almost have a little time to relax. Exam after exam after exam make Heather go crazy...crazier. Whatever. :-P I was promised an instant 'just add water' degree. Waiting for that one. :) In just over a month is Thanksgiving break. The most looked forward to and necessary non-break of the semester. Coming back unwillingly to many end-of-semester-tie-it-all-together-projects and then finals. Its a little saddening that like 40-50% of my grade comes from a 3 week span. Oye. My parents want me to drive out to BFE and go camping for T-day. Not so keen on that one. Kinda sucks. We'll see if these make believe plans really develop. Here's to hoping not. But I'll play good daughter if they do anyway most likely. Unless the to do list gets past my eyeballs. To the eyeballs is doable. Past...well then I can't see anymore ;-)

So I have almost a little free time in the midst of my uber busy day today. So I thought I'd post. My circuits exam went...eerily well. I'm kind of scared about that. You shouldn't walk out of an exam all...confident. Bad news bears. We'll see. My professor takes off points for existence, so even if I did well I could still do bad...if that makes sense. The last week or so has been really busy and the next few are looking to be even moreso. And then I get a break in December. Kind of. Maybe. At least it will be a month or so of something easier. Oh, and a new request. Since I tend to forget "important" things when I get busy. When you see me, just every so often, not every time because then I'll go nuts...ask me the last time I ate real food. I might not answer...or remember, it's just more to make sure I don't forget to eat for a few days. Cuz we all know that it isn't at the top of my 'remember-to-do' list. Yeah, I'm forgetful. Maybe I should write it in my planner. Then I'd remember. Maybe.
Going to see another play tomorrow. Yay :) Another exam Tueday. *eek* Nobody knows what to expect from the professor. Not good. Not good at all. But, I suppose we shall see soon enough, eh? My cool shirt got shipped out. It's gonna be here soon! Sooner than my iPod. *sigh*

This time tomorrow my circuits exam will be over. Man, am I ever worried about it. I already took this exam once...but Dr. Dave is going to prove to be a much more difficult professor I think. Which sucks. Circuits is just really dumb to me. I hate studying for something and feeling like I'm wasting my time. It makes me want to go do the other, more important 20 billion things I need to do. But I have to do well in this class this time. Bastards. They should have let me through the first time. I was close. Ok, well I guess that's enough bitching from me.

Andrea's b-day is Monday. I don't think she's doing anything, but I never know. hehe, people don't tell me what's going on, they just tell me to show up. It's great. I guess they think I'm too absent-minded to actually remember what I'm doing or why. This semester has finally and officially been proven "overly busy". When your friend calls you and asks is she can come chill for a few days...and you say "hold on let me look in my planner" you know you're way too busy. And next semester is going to be even worse I think. Except I'm not taking ECE classes. Unless they make me. Which they won't, because no one has any idea what is going on and they just pretend they do. My fluids exam got moved back a week. That makes me the happiest person ever. Except that my circuits exam is tomorrow and that makes me the saddest person ever. hmm, I wonder how those combine :P

I want to change my major. Normally, one would say "isn't it a bit late for that?" and I would agree, but somehow I've figured it out to where it will only add 1 year on to my life in hell...I mean college. I haven't decided if it's worth it yet, I need to talk to some people. Some people who are more informed and less biased. I also need to do well in the would-be in major classes I'm taking. That's the important part. I think the biggest reason I want to switch is all the ECE classes. They're so DUMB. Like not even hard, really, just DUMB. Like conceptually, really really easy. But then they go out of their way to make it reallllly hard. Unrealistic tricks to make 50+% of everyone fail. Because they aren't ranked well and think that the key to better ranking is failing everyone. I think maybe if they...oh say... did research? or something like that, maybe they'd be ranked higher. But I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess that really is what weed out classes are for. Should probably keep that in mind.

Well, my "Please let me pass my exam" post has turned into a bit more. So it's got some bitching in it, deal. It's my blog. Pshh. But i heart you all if you really made it this far. :-D Here's some food for thought (care of Andrea): What if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the same way?

Oh, and I ordered the most awesome shirt last night :P Just have to wait 4 to 7 days for the mail now. Hopefully it won't end up like my (lack of) iPod.

Lindsey's make up birthday party (the original was to be during the "hurricane") was Saturday. Out to eat then movies. Good times :) Got a few pics from her Jason, apparently I don't know how to keep my eyes open for pictures... *sigh* But the others were still good, so I'll still put 'em up :)


Me and Tyler at Olive Garden. Yes, the flash was bright. I'm squinty. One might say almost Asian squinty.


There's some REAL Asian squinty. And a growl too, perhaps?


Birthday girl and her boy. I think she just got done hitting him for a lewd comment. :) Probably shouldn't bring that one back up, eh?


Linds giving the cake a good ol' blow job. We all had some after ;)


Like I said, we all had some after...with ice cream too!










There were more pictures, but I don't want to write commentary for all of them, and what fun is it to just look at pictures??? EXACTLY.

Serenity

...was awesome. Definitely. Though the series might still have been better. Hope they either make another movie or bring the series back, somethin. That is all.

Fiji cake

Andrea and I made Fiji cake today. It was great! Well, actually, she made the cake...and frosted it...and was about to cut it when I said "it needs SPRINKLES!" so we decorated it.



Yeah, so its yummy too (the cake). Then Andrea proceeded to stick her finger in hot wax... somehow thinking it wouldn't burn.



Kooky, eh? Sometimes I wonder about that girl. But, eh, sometimes I wonder about me too, and I'm normal, right? :-D

I went to dinner with Katie today. Poor kid, so much that could go right for her, yet so much that goes wrong. If you're reading this, hon, *hug* it'll all be ok. Promise. Come stay with me whenever you need.

I feel better. No more tweaking out...for now at least :) Got a well needed break from school, going back will be tough, mainly because there will be SO MUCH to do, but that's ok, I'm ready for it now. Waiting to hear about some stuff, waiting to hear some stuff. Few expectations by me, lots of expectations for me. I think - when it comes to school - I work better when there's a lot to deal with. Like several projects at a time. Or it just always ends up that way, something like that. I haven't felt this good in awhile. Especially after getting done with all my junk today. I like what I'm doing, I like where I am...I might complain about stuff but it's all just petty bullshit. *shrug* That's basically it.

Baleeted!

Yeah, it was. More later perhaps? :)

Pipe Dreams

Hmm. I bet most of you thought something very interesting when you read the title of this. Thought maybe it would be an angsty blog about how wrong the world is, but only to me. Well, I'm glad to say, that's not it at all. In 10 hours and 32 minutes, I will be starting my fluids exam, and what can I say other then holy shit, that sucks. I'm pretty nervous about it. I've been studying...a lot. but still not as much as I should have. I'm not sure how I feel though, sometimes I can work through the problems all the way after just a few minutes of thinking; other times I can sit for an hour and still have nothing. Makes me scared. I have a tendency to go mind blank just before an exam starts, only to have all the information come back to me about 10 minutes before time is called. (By the way, 10 minutes isn't long enough to do anything but maybe write your name down)

I broke my laptop last night, I'm pretty unhappy about that. I'm taking it after my exam tomorrow to be (hopefully) repaired. The hard drive is very unhappy with me. Slowly but surely I am transferring all my files to Andrea's laptop for safekeeping until I get mine fixed and back though (thanks Andi!). But it's taking forever. My laptop sends for awhile, gets angry and freezes, has to be rebooted, sends for awhile again....etc. Not very conducive to as much fluids studying as I'd like. But I need to get it done tonight so that I can take it to be fixed tomorrow and just be able to say "just do whatever you have to do" so I don't have to wait. I think I need to keep my laptop inside a protective bubble, it gets hurt too much :(

Went to the Astros game on Tuesday, we lost but it was still fun :) Got to see two guys fight over the "N" word like 3 feet in front of me. That was a bit scary. Turn around and some guy is choking another guy. Crazy. Other than that, haven't really done much of anything other than study and avoid said studying. Tomorrow after exam and computer hassle is comedy club. Should be funny (does that go without saying?) Anyway, should be :) Sunday is work and hopefully finally getting my iPod. Unless they hurry for some reason (USPS, hurry? HAH!) and then it might be here tomorrow.

Wow, wasn't that the most exciting blog ever? Maybe there will be an inspirational comment that will make up for it. (hint: that means write something good in the comments.)

Well, lots of stuff has happened lately, no? Since I haven't posted at all this month yet, I guess I'm a little behind. I've been really, really busy lately. I guess it makes me glad I scheduled breaks between my classes, they get used everyday. For homework mostly, sometimes for lunch. I'm pretty proud of myself, I've only missed one class, and that was theatre when I felt really cruddy.

I've also made much much use of my breaks from school. This is the first semester EVER that I've truly had Fridays off completely. It's really nice. Granted I work Fridays now since there's no school, but it's pretty mindless and doesn't require me to ever think about an integral or a derivative or a torque or a cross product....ever. In fact, I highly doubt that anyone I work with even knows what that means. Which is fine and dandy with me.

My weekends as of late have been filled with interesting and fun things too, especially when I'm not working. Labor Day weekend was filled with movies and "Sociables" with Tyler and Travis, Kim, and their neighbors, and late night swimming. Last weekend was Brittnee's b-day party, so after a scrumptious dinner made by Andrea (thanks :-D) we all went to Sambuca for some jazz. Note: Sambuca is a restaurant. I did not realize this. That was kind of awkward for a bit, but fun anyway. :) And we all had a good time. There was issue, but it's over and I like to reminisce of the happy, not the not-so-great. Sunday was good too. Went to IHOP for breakfastlunch, and then had to uber rush back from halfway to Katy to get to the play on time. But thanks to fast car (that I got to drive back to my apartment from Sambucas!), we made it in time. I thought the play was really good. "Comedic tragedy" definitely fits. (It was called An Empty Plate at Café du Grand Boeuf) I like Main Street Theatre too, it's pretty small (we were about 20 or 25 feet from center stage) but I think that adds to the appeal. You see the actors right there in front of you, it just makes you feel closer to the action I suppose.

I guess that's caught me up from my lack of blogging lately, I forsee me continuing to be really busy, perhaps even moreso pretty soon and for the rest of the semester, so I guess I find time where I make it...More stories to come soon though, I'm sure. Tomorrow...well today now I guess as it is Tuesday now is an Astros game. Apparently they're out of the race for wild card, which sucks, but I still want to go see them play. I waited all summer with no one wanting to go, so now I get to go watch my game. :P I guess if I have to become a hockey fan, someone can become a bit of a baseball fan, no?

With every good thing comes another bad one.

I need a pet. I wish I had time for one. :( Fishies just don't cut it. You can't hold them. But, I know that I don't have time for a "real" pet, so fishy it is. Poor Dogbert. I love him, I promise. He's the best fish ever.

Would never have guessed you can be at your highest and your lowest at the same point in time. It is an interesting feeling. Like being ripped apart and held together at the same time. Not too surprisingly, I like it and hate it at the same time. Go figure.

A few new things to wonder about.

Wow. I should never be bored and online again. The things I find fill me with a sadness of awe. I mean look at this:



That's right, you can now point a gun at yourself, pull the trigger, and dry your hair.

And then there's this. Yeah, all those bands you either absolutely were in love with or wanted to murder when you were 13 are back. The Spice Girls are back together too. But a movie? I mean come on...But hey, you can't hate them too much, especially if you liked them when you were little. That would be like saying you were a moron when you were 13. And we can't have that. :)

**Post edit**

And last but not least, there is this.
For all the guys out there who are "angry" and giant assholes but don't want to change. Obviously what you need is a syndrome, not a foot up the ass. Jeez, I'm so tired of everything being a disease. When are the things that bother me about people going to become diseases so that we can quarantine all THOSE people on a deserted island which we then blow up? I'm waiting.

The Aristocrats.

This was quite possibly the worst movie ever. No, I can't say that. It wasn't even a movie. A movie...hell, even most porn, at least TRIES to have a plot. This "movie" was more of a "documentary" on...well...nothing. Ok, it was about the "worst joke ever" But who wants to sit and listen for an excessively long 86 min to ONE joke? And not even a funny one at that...

Ok, to sum it up: Don't go see this movie. Not even if it's free. Not even if someone tells you it's good. It's not. I don't generally talk about how bad a movie is. But I think people need to be saved from this one. I want my hour and a half back. And my $6.

Hmm. In reading the blogs of others, mine seems pretty shallow. It almost makes me think I should start posting some of the longer rambles I occasionally spew onto the page, but which never make it past the "Save as Draft" key. I find life is hard to appreciate sometimes. Even when it's going well, or maybe especially when it's going well. I know I've had far from a "difficult" life, my trials and tribulations are child's play compared to the difficulties of those I know. But this is also something that one becomes accustomed to - the ease and relaxedness at which one can float through life.

Yes, for those of you who are about to kill me for seeming to complain about this, the story continues.

I may have had it easy as a kid, I may have had it easy as an adolescent, hell, I probably still have it easy now. But "easy" is getting harder. Easy takes more and more work each day, which, by definition, kind of makes easy....not so. I'm not complaining, not at all - maybe a little - but really, I kind of enjoy it. Sure, I'll bitch and complain about it all day, but in the end, it kind of feels good. More like "new but itchy sweater" good, not like "raging orgasm" good. Granted, I haven't done too well at this added level of difficulty, but I'm trying. And I'm getting better. But at the same time I'm getting very burnt out. I'm at a point where I don't really know what to do, where to turn or how to get there. I think I know where I'd like to be, but I don't know how feasible it is to make it there. But I guess that's part of "not so terribly easy" is not knowing. And I guess I don't know if that's even true...time will tell I suppose.

And as Andrea said, and I move to agree with, I hit myself with a hammer because it does feel so good to stop. So much drama now past, perpetuated by others but; while being abhorred by me, also somewhat welcomed. Especially now that it's gone. Hopefully for good? "Friends" removed, by themselves or others, enemies ignored, and much much more. I like anti-drama. It makes me feel like I'm finally away from the retarded high school mentality.

So in light of all of the deep, thoughtful, meaningful posts I have recently read - here is another ramble of ineloquence in the late evening by me. Hope you enjoy. And, as always, comments are welcome.

I'm pretty impressed. People have actually been commenting lately. It's kind of cool, I like it. I'm feeling a bit better I think. I feel terrible about what I had to do to make it this way, but I think it was necessary. And so I push onward in my quest for happiness. I think I can feel myself getting closer...

See what happens when I...nevermind...

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Wow. And all I had to do was pick my favorite picture. Guess it really is worth a thousand words. Or at least however many that was...

Your Birthdate: February 4

Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual. Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

4 rocks?

I think blog is a really ugly word. I don't like it. I would go to LJ, but it's a pain in the ass. Or Xanga, but I don't like it. So here I sit, with the ugly word.

I was thinking about who I am today. Came up pretty short. I guess I should work on finding that out a little better. I think who I want to be and what I've become are two very different people, and I'm not sure if I like either of them... guess only a little time will tell.

More to come later I suppose.

Ok, so I guess I've been a bit unhappy lately. Obviously. School is filled with torture, I don't like my research and I need a break from my so-called break. But I guess i shouldn't be down about it, it's not like there is anything I can do to fix it. At least not right now. So I've decided that is something I'm going to work on...the disliking everything I'm doing. And perhaps in a bit of time it will show. I figure if I'm this good at not being happy, I can be pretty good at being happy too. So maybe if you see me looking down you'll help me out and say somethin' nice. That would be cool.

So maybe it isn't everyone else that I'm disenchanted with. Maybe it's just myself. I had more to say but I don't want to sound angsty or whatever. Plus I'm sure no one cares anyway. Opinions welcome.

What a bright and sunny eternity in hell.

I feel like people have taken everything I value, everything I love, everything I have come to think well of in this world...put it in a box, and shit on it.
I don't even care anymore. Call me what you want. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of caring, hell, if you're going to say something, I'm probably fucking tired of you. So go on, make my day.

----------------------------------
Reflections-
looking back at you
driving you insane
the mirror man

moves just like you
looks just like you
it's all backwards
like your mind

since it was asked of me...

the water laps the shore
the red sun sets
its reflection
like fresh blood
puddling outward
growing ever larger
only to recede again
as if sucked back by a sponge
a futile attempt
to clean it away

Perhaps more to come later if people don't hate this one. I like feedback. :)

So...I saw this and it made me sad. So gratuitous. It screams "here is a reason for you to stare at my penis/vagina and pretend like it is my belt you're looking at" Ugh. BUT, it's a GREAT DEAL at ONLY 29.99 and 6.49 S&H! BUY NOW! Wouldn't YOU like to be the first on your block with an LED message scrolling across your crotch? I thought so. If I ever see anyone wearing one of those...I think I'll cry. Unless they're Asian (no offense to Asian people, the LED thing is just natural I guess). I guess that is my rant for the day.

I found and pulled out my book of poetry today too. Read some old ones, tried to write some new ones. Some are ok, some are so-so, some should have been torn out before they were written. But they all remind me of my past, my successes and failures, my achievements and mistakes. Plus they're in a Cat-in-the-Hat notebook, and who could tear pages out of that? Say something and I'll post a few maybe. *shrug* who knows, someone else might like them too. :)

Bedtime.

just push "play"

I can't decide if I get in the way of life or if it gets in the way of me. It seems like the harder I try, the harder I fail. But I feel like if I don't try there is no use in even being here. I think I'm even going to fail at Fiji. I don't think I'll ever make it there, and if I do...I don't think it will be like I've always hoped.

A dream I had about a week ago still haunts me. It feels important but I don't know what it's telling me. The girl in it seems like she's supposed to represent me, she has my cellphone...but I never actually see her. I dunno, guess time will tell. If you wanna hear more ask, but you probably won't. It's ok, I probably wouldn't either.

I know it sounds like bitching but....

So tomorrow is my sister's 13th birthday. You can definitely tell, too. I guess every little kid does basically the same thing; "Oh, I'm turning 13, inherently I'm the shit, bow and worship me for I am awesome." What I'm wondering is if they realize what they're doing...seriously. Since I have moved back home I have wanted to rip the hair out of my sister's head on an almost daily basis. Her response to everything I say, whether I am talking to her or not is "God, shut up, you're so stupid." I could be wrong, but I REALLY don't remember being that big of a bitch. Seriously. It's making my stay at home very unenjoyable. I can't wait to move in to my apartment next week, and that is basically solely why. I find myself unable to tolerate her any longer, I have resolved myself to not speaking in her presence, for fear that I might lose my temper and beat the shit out of her. No, that probably never would happen, but she makes me so ANGRY. So, in less than 6 days, I will have all the things that are important to me moved from this place into a new place - a place I can call my own, at least for now. So back to the title, I know it sounds like bitching but really its a long question. Do you remember being a giant bitch when you were 13 because you thought you were the most awesome person in the entire world or something to that effect? Maybe I never got that because everyone was always older than me. Or maybe I did get it. Opinions welcome.

A new look...

...for a new outlook. No, no earth shattering moments. No near death experiences that really just involve me just not paying attention for a few seconds. Nothing really has changed, I just feel...I dunno, I can't even explain it really. Good I guess, for lack of words. Like in Office Space when he gets hypnotized, ya know? Just going with it. I went to the med center today, it looks like I might actually get to start my freakin' project. Like the actual project, not just the bullshit work. That's exciting I guess. I also told her that I would like to continue looking at different types of research and broaden my knowledge, instead of just being narrow into one field. She seemed to understand, now I just have to find funding and somewhere to work (for the spring semester probably, I'll probably end up staying where I am through fall)

I don't really feel like writing this anymore right now, so maybe later. Oh, and Jason, I never got your "all knowing answers" after finals on my last post :P Still waiting.

Questions...

If you don't have enough to worry about with finals, could you answer some of these? I'd appreciate an answer to any of them. If anyone still reads this that is. If you want me to post it prettier or more readable or whatever, say something and I might.

If you don't live for the moment, what are you living for? Can you live for a person? Does that really mean you are living for someone else instead of yourself? If you could take one thing back in your life what would it be? Would you REALLY want to take it back? What if you had to give something up for it? Would it still be worth it? If you could live eternally, would you? Even if no one else did? Why do people lie? Where does the incentive come from? Was it built into human nature? Is any human capable of living an entire life span without telling a lie? What is human nature? Do animals have animal nature? If humans are a superior race, why are there so many more problems with human society than animals have with animal society? Are humans just a gag that was created for the rest of the universe to laugh at? Maybe there are bets placed throughout the galaxy on how we will destroy ourselves first. How do you think we will end our race? If everything is so bad for you, why not just mix it together and rub it around? Does anyone besides me think the world would be a better place without people? It might sound stupid but I think that line in the first Matrix where the agent said humanity was a virus is true. Maybe we'll get what's coming to us. If a good, moral person kills a horrible and immoral person, is it wrong? Where is God? Is he dead? Is he capable of dying? If so, wouldn't that make him not God, at least by "our" definition? Are there really miracles? Have you ever seen one? If not, and you say there are, are there also leprechauns? if you say no, why? You haven't seen one of those either... Why do people discredit some things they have never seen and believe wholeheartedly in others? Aren't all unbelieveable, completely awesome things equally unbelievable and awesome? Are people just hypocrites or is there a reason behind this? If it were somehow scientifically proven when the world would end, would you believe those people? What would you do on your potential last day alive? If you weren't on the world when it ended, would you still die? If you didn't, would you want to? Would you ever want the responsibility of repopulating the earth? How far into space will we travel before we find something? If we find something, are we going to try to kill it? Would it be better if we DIDN'T find anything, so that we wouldn't have the chance to corrupt and ruin it? Do you think people are inherently good or evil? Why?

Well, can you believe it? It's finals. And there is so much stuff going on. And I'm kind of....well kind of suprisingly filled with trust. It feels good to have it again...its kind of like a warm blanket on a cold night. Snuggly.
By 8pm I will be 1/2way done with my finals for the semester. Hard to believe, isn't it? Especially since most people haven't even started their finals. I find it a little hard to concentrate right now. Maybe it's the sugar from the donuts Blake and I had... I think it's just happy mode. I feel happy. I hope you do too.

What to say? It's been awhile. I'm moving along. the little engine that could. New found love of Dave Matthews Band. its good for me. Not too angry sounding, plus I like the jazz instruments. Apparently I should d/l some Phish too. So i did, i just havent listened to it yet. I think my eyeballs are going to fall out of my head they hurt so bad. fucking headaches. they wont go away and i dunno why. it feels temporarily better when i shower. I think it might be the lights. i hate the lights here, they are so terrible. im glad im moving in june. i should be working on my 4 projects but i dont feel like it. my head hurts too bad. this song is really cool, it has trumpets and sax and everything. real musicians make me happy. not like these fake ass dont know how to play their instruments if they even have any bastards. AND theyre coming 9/5. which is awesome, but only if i get to go.

ha-HA!

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

What can I say other than owie? :( And I'm such a fuck up. I hope this can be gotten past...and not in the bad way.

*sigh of happy* Things have been gonig well lately. I don't want to jinx it or whatever, but they really have. I've had a bunch of shit to do, but no stressing like usual, just go through and do it. It's quite bitchin'. It's like after a bit over a year and a half, everything finally realized how to function better. I even was kind of sick last week (only the cough remains) and that didn't even dampen my mood. It's fuckin great. I talked to my mom, she's cool with the moving in June, cool with the moving in general, so that's good too. La dee da, got stuff to do, that's it for now....

Well, I guess it's time to give a real update instead of a random quiz post Spring Break has started well so far, Blake's was a fun time last weekend. Went to the med center yesterday, got some more cells to work with. There's always people there now, other interns and such, so that's cool. They're pretty nice, I just wish we had internet so I could do research there instead of having to do it at home. I've been able to spend lots of time with Jason since spring break started, that's been really nice too. His family is coming down from all over the place, so I get to meet all the people he's been talking about. I'm going to the rodeo with Kellie, Chris and Jason tomorrow, Maroon5 is playing, so that should be fun :) Overall, spring break is turning out well, don't want to jinx it, but it's been relaxing. I need to start studying organic for my exam next week, yeah I should do that...I'll prally start after I eat. MMM spaghetti! I remember now why I don't watch the news so much anymore. So much sad stuff...

Taking a vote...

I'm taking a vote, so you should leave a comment and tell me if you agree or disagree with this:

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Yay for Donnie Darko!

You scored as Mindfuck. Congratulations, you scored Mindfuck. You've probably seen a lot of movies, and have grown to hate mainstream shit. You're looking for the movie that will leave you breathless, and with 21 questions to think about. Check out: Donnie Darko, Being John Malkovich, Pulp Fiction, Memento. Mindfuck 80% Artistic 75% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 70% Drama/Suspense 70% Sadistic Humour 70% Mindless Action Flick 55% Romantic Comedy 50% Movie Recommendation.

I'm not afraid of comments

Well, I'm sitting here at home. at 11:30 on a Saturday night, doing homework. And I slowly begin to wonder where the hell people get these crazy ideas about how college is one giant party from. I guess maybe if I wasn't an engineering major or something it would be more party less work. Then I think about the future and where I will be compared to those people, and I guess I feel a little better. Maybe I'll bring some good to the world, instead of just some beer.

I was talking to my Papa (dad's dad) today and, as always, he gave me his stay in college and do better than i did speech, but this time I felt kind of bad. Normally he says it and it's always the exact same thing pretty much, but he seemed so urgent and more frantic about it. It almost feels like he's holding on to things to see me finish...like thats one of the things he wants to see before he goes, especially since I would be the first one from his side of the family...well...both sides of the family to finish college. I hope that's not the case but I'm kind of scared about it.

So back to the homework thing. I don't like numerical projects. Actually, I just don't like MATLAB I think. Like I can do all this stuff on paper...then they make me script it into some retarded project and I'm like "well, I can do the first half....dammit." Yep, it's teh suck. If anyone wants to help me, that would be GREAT! That is, if you know what you're doing. :)

Ok, well back to the project I can't do....to, uh, not do it some more? Yeah, thats about it.

Not much time to post, but I thought I'd say a little something. Thank you to all who came to my party, it was so great. You guys made my birthday even more awesome than it already was. I'm so glad to have such great friends who can put aside petty differences for a little while and just hang out all together and have fun. It really meant a lot to me :) Oh, and special thanks to Blake, Jared and Jason for opening their apartment for me so I didn't have to have a crappy dorm party. :-D

So I'm sitting here at Jason's apartment, I've finished the work I need to get done, or at least as much of it as I am going to do, and I'm waiting for him to finish his thermo homework. So I'm thinking, kind of bored, but that's ok, I don't mind. Anyway, thinking. And then it occurs to me that I don't even really know what I'm thinking about. It's like I'm going through the motions of thinking without actually doing it. So of course, as I realize this, I actually begin to think. And I feel so gipped about it. I realized how much I actually do this; just kind of zone out and ignore everything that is going on, and how much I could be missing out on and I don't even know it. So I keep thinking...and what do I realize but that I'm doing it again. It's like my brain says "Fuck you Heather" and shuts off. Now what kind of person am I that I seem to be incapable of even internal thought, even if this is all I am focusing on. So I focus even harder. And then while I'm thinking and it seems to be working and I can actually begin to figure things out, my mind goes blank. I still know what I was thinking about, but it's like I can't figure out what to do with it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well...it's like my mind has set up a "no pass" zone surrounding certain topics, protecting its fragile self from any more harm.
I'm not sure what to do about this. It's like, well, I can't even think of what it's like. That just proves my point even more. *sigh* I feel like I'm trapped in an abyss of, well, of nothing. Perhaps I've let myself go too far astray from "normal mental process"(?) and now there is no way back.

On a happier note I suppose, this upcoming Friday is my birthday. This I am actually looking forward to quite a bit, and Saturday even more. Hopefully nothing will ruin the chances of excitement and happiness there, I'm really looking forward to it.

Yes, just read it. It's good for your eyes.

Well, I was looking back at a few blogss ago (since I've only had 2 comments in the last like 7 posts -thanks adam and jyoti (whose blog address I can't presently think of :-/)- I don't have much else to look at) and I saw my post about being an engineer. I don't remember who said this to me a few days ago (or last week, whatever) but it stuck in my mind and I think it's true. People don't not make it in engineering because they are stupid persay; well maybe some, but I think a lot of people who actually want to be engineers don't make it because of their perspective. Whoever it was that I was talking to said that a lot of people who don't make it through engineering programs don't because they can't think like an engineer. I think I agree with this. Granted obviously that isn't the reason for everyone I'm sure. Some people really aren't smart enough, some people are too lazy, some people realize it isn't what they want to do. But a lot try to go through and can't. It's like there is a mental process that must be learned; of how to go about engineering. Only this learning must take place within oneself, it seems that it can not be taught, not even by the best of professors. This is what worries me about the upcoming generation of people in the workforce.

I hear from so many people about how they go through their classes so nonchalantly. Things like "I dunno, I wasn't listening" are just the beginning. There are so many blatant cheaters going through college that I am not only amazed but disgusted. I don't understand how these people can live knowing that one day they will (if God forsakes us all) be doctors or engineers (these are the main people I deal with and see) and they are blatantly cheating in every single one of their classes. Do you want a doctor who cheated in human anatomy? "Der, where's that dang appendix again? Hmm, maybe it's over here" *slices neck* How about a civil engineer designing a bridge for you that has no idea what stresses it can hold? "Gah, what was that equation again? Eh, no matter, we'll just build this bridge out of PVC pipe. It'll save us some money and maybe I'll get a bigger paycheck." I hold a lot of respect for the people I see going through school, and studying their asses off for their B+'s that should be A-'s if it weren't for the fucking cheating bastards who cheated their way better than them. And how the professors let them get by with this I really don't undestand. Ok so it's some fucking paperwork and a little hassle to make these students pay. Whoopty fucking doo. Putting these people out of an education is great for the workforce. We need more honest people to hold the jobs that should require honest and intelligent people. Oh and we need more shitty cheating kicked out of college bastards to work at McDonalds. The professors, by being too lazy to do anything about cheating, are only making things worse for the future. A future of uneducated, incompetent, highly paid workers who do absolutely nothing. And they can't be replaced because no one wants to hire someone who might have a slightly lower GPA but worked their ass off for it and knows their shit. Because that would make sense, and we can't do that now can we? Jason showed me this webpage by a band called KMFDM. Hilarious, it was. But the more I think about it, the more it seems true. The general population of the US has no fucking clue about anything. But apparently, that's ok, we'll just somehow continue to be in power while paying non-Americans to do all of our work for us, putting our citizens out of jobs, fucking our economy, and making the rest of the world hate us. Because this is how to be "like totally super awesome" (ie a world power) Perhaps I'm a little out of touch with things, but isn't that how to make it where you depend on other countries for everything? People come over from India and are almost junior level college students their first semester here, because they've already learned all the shit we struggle to comprehend. Does that mean they are smarter than us? I'm not sure if it's that or they just decided to care a little more about their educations than fucking backwater-Arkansas-graduate-without-reading. But our educations here are SO much better. That's why if you go to medical school in the US and try to practice professionally pretty much anywhere in Europe, Asia or Africa, you get to go through at least another year of training. I don't think it's the medical practices that are too mcuh different; there are only a few ways you can shove a scalpel into someones stomach and expect them to survive. No, you know why this occurs? Because nobody fucking trusts US doctors. And why should they? All they are taught here is how to do the minimum for a patient and avoid a lawsuit while making enough to afford that new Mercedes Benz. Man, if you get the chance you should read up on malpractice lawsuits. Not the stupid frivolous ones that shouldn't be had in the first place; the real ones. You know how many surgical tools are left inside patients because doctors forget about them during surgery? A fucking lot. How do you forget about 3 clamps and accidentally sew a womans stomach back up with them still inside? Maybe this was a doctor who cheated his way through medical school. People say no one cheats in medical school because it's so competitive; I say that's bullshit. It's just like undergrad, as long as you aren't in direct competition, who cares if you help each other? Yeah, I think the patients will care, shitface. Perhaps you should think about that like doctors are supposed to instead of thinking about how big your paycheck will be after you rape some woman after anesthesizing her for a procedure you only pretend to do. And then she gets pregnant and you wonder why you're being sued. Jackass.

Well, I wasn't going to do the generic quiz thing, but then I saw this one and so I took it and it just kind of happened ok?

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

i hate a lot of things. but not you, no not you. so much else, but i couldnt hate you. i also couldnt hate my blanket - its so warm and soft and its never done anything to make me hate it. i love my blanket. and my pink panther. because theyre always there for me when i need them. i need them now, and theyre here. so i will go to them now i dont want to keep them waiting - it might make it where they arent there for me when i need them. and i need them a lot so i have to be careful.

What to say...it sucks that school starts tomorrow. I'm kind of pissed off about it, but maybe it will actually be good. I dunno...lots of changes to be made, such mentality change right now, i'm not sure what's going to happen this semester, its really up in the air. I think this might be the semester that determines whether or not I continue to be a biomedical engineer or not. Sadly, I don't know where else to go if i decide to change (or have to) I've spent so much time in this major, it would feel like a waste if i switched. I shouldn't be talking about school yet. I think thats the cause of all of this. I hate it i never want to go back i want to quit and do nothing. find some money on the street and buy my own island. I'll live on half and rent the other half to really rich people to pay for anything i need. i think its a really good idea, maybe there are some islands in Fiji for sale. everyone who's rich wants to go to Fiji right? i guess i'd find out when people started coming or not. well, i guess thats really all...if anyone knows of a way for me to learn without having to deal with school let me know.

Hmm, what to say. So much seems to have happened since my last update. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) most of it was in my head. My poor brain, it's been through so much trauma this break...so many different feelings and emotions...I'm glad things (or me, whichever) have calmed down a little...just in time for the stress of school again. Perhaps I do this on purpose; replace the stress of class with other stresses. I'm not sure why, it's not enjoyable by any means. *shrug* I think perhaps I need a vacation from my vacation. Maybe just a weekend trip to Fiji. Or maybe someone could bring Fiji to me? I'd like that too, if you can think of how, that would be great. There has to be a hammock and drinks in coconut shells with the little paper umbrellas, those are the only restrictions. Oh, and it has to be absolutely wonderful. Hmm. That's what I want for my birthday. The person who gets me this will be my ultimate permanent hero forever. Oooh, and I get to go to Cirque de Soleil the day after my birthday with Jason and his parents. That's freakin' awesome too. I'm really excited about it because from what I heard, it's AWESOME. And I get to see it with J, which is also freaking AWESOME. :-D *sigh* yay for stuff. Like trust. I feel like we're getting more and more of that everyday, which is cool because it's one of those things that is hard to repair, yet we're doing it. Pulling through. And not just sloughing through in knee deep mud anymore either.
Ok, sorry for the fluffy lovey stuff...well, no actually I'm not, but ya know, if it makes you feel better. I guess lyrics should come next, and what could be more fitting:

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"
Maroon5- She Will Be Loved

Man, I love that song. Also Counting Crows "Big Yellow Taxi." That's a cool song too.

Awaiting the fireworks

So Christmas is over, the presents all given and recieved, the food all eaten (except a little strawberry pie I'm hiding in the back of the fridge hehehe). I think I'm better off than I was before Christmas, in pretty much every way possible. It's amazing to me how just a holiday can make things better. Just the "spirit" of Christmas can bring a person from tears of worry and sadness to tears of joy. This Christmas was kind of odd though. It felt like Christmas, but at the same time...it didn't. I really missed my Grandma this year...it's odd to me how she's been gone almost 3 years. It seems like barely 6 months ago to me... everything has been moving so quickly. I look back and my head is spinning at everything I've missed. There are so many more things I've wanted to do by now...I want to slow time so that I can go through and enjoy every beautiful thing that confronts me. I feel like I'm being shoved through a small hole and told that my only objective, my only focus, is BME. I am to have no life, no free time, no friends. I realized over the break that my best friend...the person that I talked to about everything up until college...that I hadn't seen her in 6 months. I found that ridiculous. I know that I'm supposed to be moving beyond everything, but... to leave a best friend behind? Sometimes I look at the path I am leading and wonder if anyone will even be there at the end. In 3, 5 ,10 years, will there be anyone there? I hope so. I've been wondering if the path I have taken is the right one for me. Should I really be an engineer? I mean, come on, look at me...do I look like an "aspiring ENGINEER"??? I don't know what else I would do, but sometimes I think I'm making a bad choice. It's not a very good feeling. Being somewhere you aren't sure you want to be...with nowhere else you want to go... I know what I don't want, but somehow that doesn't narrow it down enough. I just hope I don't end up at the end of a dark tunnel with nothing surrounding me but blank faces and shattered dreams.

So this whole "break" thing...I don't think it understands what it is. It's supposed to be a time between mass schoolwork in which I don't do too much of anything and just kinda sit around and relax and be happy. Well, the break decided to say "fuck you Heather". The first few days were good, but after that it's been filled with lack of sleeping, sleeping pill and anti-twitch cocktails to go to sleep and appointments. Oh, and I found out I'm anemic too. Apparently quite a bit so. That's why (up until a few days ago) I'd been sleeping so much I guess. So the lady told me some stuff to eat and some stuff to drink and etc etc etc, so that's gonna get worked on sometime too. I'm tired of dealing with things, I'm tired of things being my fault, I'm tired of being a terrible person, I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired...of being tired. Oh, and Merry Christmas. And if anyone wishes me a Happy Christmahanukwanzmekah I'll kill them. Stupid commercial. I think Blake might have been right, it's going to be the next damn Hallmark holdiay. If they don't sue them for stealing it.....

Ever seen that Christmas story where you have Coldmeiser and Heatmieser? And everything Coldmeiser touches turns to ice and everything Heatmeiser touches melts? Separate, they brought pretty much destruction...but ever wonder what would happen if they both touched the same thing at the same time? Interesting question. Yes, this has purpose... I'm getting there. I think sometimes people don't see things like these. They see the small picture, the petty arguments, the stupid bad things, but don't look at what happens when everything combines. I do it too, and I really should stop. What I'm trying to say is, perhaps we should stand back and look before us, at what we have had part in creating. I know you're probably saying "oh god please don't say we should join hands and sing Kumbaya" No, that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that as of late I think I have missed out on a lot of beautiful and wonderful things that have happened both around me and to me. I have taken words for granted, and only realized this when they were not spoken. I have taken small things that I really do appreciate for granted, once again not realizing until they are removed. I miss them when they are gone, and once they return I cherish them so much more. People as well, though sometimes I don't act it...my apologies for this. I miss people a lot when they're gone...

2 down 2 to go!

2 finals...over! just 2 more on Tuesday and I'm all done. About freakin' time....

So I'm at home to see my puppy, she got home from the vet Tuesday with her heartworm stuff and this is the first chance I've had to come check on her. She's doing really well, which makes me happy :-D

That's pretty much all for now I guess. Going to Jason's Christmas party for his job tomara, that should be fun. :) I miss getting to do stuff like that, especially with him. It's a nice change :-D
Then back to studying... :(

1 down 3 to go!

So the orgo final. Over. YAAY! And, not to jinx it, but I think I did well. I hope so, I could use the A. Definitely. Next up...engi math. That one could be a bit more difficult, especially since everyone I know that I could study with in the class is...lets say "not doing so well." I wish I knew those smart people who sit in the front and always make A's. FUCK THEM. The assholes. >:( But anyway, I have to do well on my physics final too, if I want the B or maybe MAYBE (slim chance in hell) the B+ that I'm wishing for. Stupid physucks. Grrr. Stupid of stupidness.

So that's about all that's going on. My dog went in to the vet today for her heartworm treatment (that's the price for picking up a stray) but she's so worth it. She's the sweetest thing ever :) even if she doesn't listen too well sometimes. They said she can come home tomorrow or maybe Wednesday depending on how she is, but that so far she's doing really well. Poor pup :( I hope she gets to go home soon.

I found a song that I think explains things pretty well...Well I didn't find it really, I was just listening to the CD and was actually listening to this part instead of it being background music, and heard the words and...yeah...

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they’re falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
~Evanescence; Imaginary

My own little world seems so inviting, if people saw it but for just a moment they'd want to take it away...

So I had a post about everything I feel right now, well kinda...more like everything I feel in comparative terms to things people can understand...but I decided that it would be confused for something else, a rant about Jason (which it was not) a poor me sad story (which it was not) or something else...which it also was not. So it's not there. It's chilling on my computer with all the other blogs that never made it to post. Instead you get bullshit fluff crap about how I had a post but decided that some people shouldn't see my feelings.

Oh and you also get this:
No, no you don't
end

So I want the damn break to be here, I want the semester to be over. I don't get to go to New York this Christmas, that kinda makes me sad, but it makes me look forward to the summer, when I will be able to go. The Thanksgiving trip to New Braunfels... also cancelled because of the rain, that sucks too. Hopefully interesting things will still happen. I almost want to say that I can't wait to go home, I want to see my puppy (it's been over a week). But I know it's gonna be pretty boring otherwise. Which isn't really a problem actually it'll prally be kinda nice....but I know there's so much stuff I need to do over break... and I want to spend time with my family, but all the shit I gotta do is going to keep that from happening excessively... We're going to Cleveland (not Ohio) for T-day, and maybe Saturday or Sunday my mom and I will do Christmas decorating stuff. I can already tell that I'm not going to want to come back to school, and studying for finals is going to be really hard, but hopefully this semester will be rewarding. I'm feeling pretty good about all of my classes (except I'm kinda worried about physics) but his curve and my A on the 1st test should hopeully make that grade bearable. I don't want to inish my stupid paper....it makes me sad. So it's 3 am and I have a 1/4 of a page to go. I think I might just fuck with the margins a little. Ok well back to that, I'm pretty much out of stuf to say....

So my Quizilla fix for...a while...

I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla


SWEET TEEN!!! Yes you are a teenager mmmm from 13
- 19 quite a little rebel haha just kidding...
You think as a teenager, you see everything
quite simple, soon you will realize it is not
that simple. In my opinion you look at things
in a very beautiful way. =)


. What is you inner age?
brought to you by Quizilla

Orgo test III...finally over. Unfortunately the lab final is Monday. I'm not exactly sure what to expect. Luckily Dr. Bean wrote the fianl instead of the TA's, so maybe it won't be filled with random bullshit that no one knows anyway. I think I did really well on my orgo test, despite the fact that I could have really fucked up a 25 something point section (stupid facts :-/) Oh well, I potentially fixed the 1 point above the curve grade from last time. Hopefully.

So I think that professors shouldn't all think that it's necessary to cram the last bit of shit they feel they need to teach into the last week (or 2 days) before Thanksgiving break. It's like "hey they're getting a break! Let's shove so much shit in before it that it becomes not worth the effort because we're asshole professors! Yaaaay!" Eh, oh well, the semester is almost over, thank goodness. Unfortunately next semester seems like it might be filled with just as much if not more rapage. Stupid ECE classes. Do I look like I want to ever touch a computer for anything but websurfing, AIM, email and the occasional word processing/spreadsheet? Fuck no! If I want something that isn't included in that list done, I'll hire someone to do it. Duh. Which is why all these other people taking these classes are there...and I shouldn't be. The CHEE class I'm taking could be cool. Or really really bad, depending on how Dr. Capitano is. I'm hoping for choice 1.

In other news, my puppy is doing well. Apparently she is a GIANT spaz. heh, which is awesome. But my mom told me that whenever the phone rings in the shop and the door is open, Jackie (the dog) goes in and looks at the phone like "what the hell is that" and then takes a shoe from the shoe rack just below the phone and brings it to her bed. She doesn't chew on them, doesn't do anything to them, just carries it from the rack to her bed. Apparently there was a pile of about 8 shoes there yesterday. Hmm, I think I have a dog who can tell me how many calls I miss while I'm gone. heh. And you thought she was good for nothin'. My mom is making her an appointment with the vet that is going to do her heartworm stuff next week. I really hope I'm home for that so that I can take care of her and make sure she's ok for the month she's gotta be 'waiting'. Poor puppy. She still doesn't understand "fetch" though...we're getting there though....slowly but surely :P

I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel like I'm failing in all aspects of life. I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden, everything gets all fucked up. I can't have the things I want, I don't want the things I'm getting and I'm not getting anything. I feel like I should just quit at life and go live under a bridge.

On the bright side my puppy remembers me and follows me around when I'm home. I think I should just stay with her all the time. She makes me happy, like maybe I actually did something right.

Back to orgo I guess...... *sigh*

Ian is the coolest.

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Hmm...

Apparently my blog has become boring, nobody seems to comment anymore....eh whatever....

Burnout. Not the game either.

So organic make Heather cry. I don't want to study just because I don't want to see just how much I don't know. I guess everybody was right. I shouldn't have spent all summer in school, I'm burnt out. I don't want to study, I don't want to be in class, I just want to do nothing. Like this weekend, Jason and I went to my house and ended up helping my uncle move all the brush on his land into piles and burn it. It was good. I wasn't doing school, I wasn't doing med center crap, I wasn't doing nothing, I was just doing something that felt like I was getting something accomplished. *sigh* looking forward to Thanksgiving break, maybe going to New Braunfels with Jason. Looking forward to Christmas Break, ending this semester, maybe going to NY again, relaxing, maybe a job in addition to med ctr stuff....maybe not. We'll see. Yeah, looking forward to a lot of stuff that isn't right now. Wishing it kinda was. That's about it, I'm forcing myself to go study now. An A or B is necessary for this exam and I'm going to get it dammit.

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Learning? In an education?

This might seem like an ordinary rant, but I think I actually might have something profound. Maybe? I dunno, if you don't want to read the rant, jsut skip down to the end. *shrug* it might be worth your while. Then again, it might not and you will have just wasted your time.

So I was doing well. And then something happened. I don't know what though. And now I have to double my efforts from the beginning of the year to fix it. I hate school. I hate work. I almost wish I wouldn't have gotten my stipend so I wouldn't feel obliged to go. Next semester is going to be hell. I think it would be OK if I didn't have to take the stupid fucking ECE classes. Do I look like an electrical engineer? Do I look like I know shit about computers? NO. And I don't really mind keeping it that way. Fuck 'em. I was looking at other schools BIOE programs, they make ours look like shit. Absolute shit. I mean we don't even take a fucking biology class for godsakes. And all we take is other engineering majors classes. We don't even have our own. You would think if they're going to make this program they would want it to succeed. Not be fucking retards about it and run a program thats starting from the ground up deeper into the ground. Honestly, I think like 1 person is truly working for the program instead of for their own personal interests and benefit. Franchek is a fake who got his way to the top by smiling and sucking up. Metcalfe is a good guy honestly, but he seems like he's got far too much on his plate to deal with this right now. I'm not too sure about the faculty they just brought in, they're obviously more faculty members than people fixing the program. Dr. Tran, it seems, is the only one really interested in the students; what we have to say, what we're going through, what seems like it will be the best option for us. She really seems like the only one who is open to not only faculty ideas, but student ideas as well. And I hold a lot of respect of her for this. Dr. Metcalfe as well, because it kind of seems as if he just got responsibilities pushed onto him by everyone at the start of the program. I dunno, I guess this is what being in a pilot program means: literally just making it up as you go. But one would think that they would plan just a little further ahead as to not make the students suffer quite so much at the very last minute. But I guess that learning isn't what an education is all about anymore. It's a business just like any other business, and for that I think we will dearly pay. Quite soon perhaps too. But that's just my opinion.

I don't know what to do. I think I hit that "I don't know what I want to do with my life" stage that most people hit when they're like...12. All my life I've known what I wanted. Literally since I was 3 years old. Now...it has lost the shiny appealing feeling. I was talking to Jason and Hartschuh (or rather they were talking and I was just kind of listening and interjecting a little. But they're right. Doctors have become like fucking lawyers. Begging people to come to them and not 'the next guy.' Sure, maybe when I'm 50 and established I'll make a few bucks. But only after I charge the poor dying 5 year old kid $80,000 for a new kidney...and that's just my fee. Not to mention the $400 a month anti rejection medication he'll have to be on. Doctors here depress me more everyday. But still, even without that I don't know what I want to do. Honestly, I'm getting really tired of going to the med center. It was really interesting, until I pretty much found out that the things I could try to find didn't exist and that I was too stupid (or rather "didn't have the knowledge") to know how to come up with something that would work. Honestly, I'm not even sure what's being done. Everything of importance I find out or try to do I assemble and give to my boss, but really I don't hear much of anything back. I'm not exactly sure what it is that is being done right now, but it seems like a hell-lot-of-nothing.

And classes. I think the goal at this university is to screw people over. To keep them here as long as possible and to make as many schedule conflicts as you can. I have the choice of either taking the "good" professors for my classes and ending up having class 10-12 and 12-6 on Friday, with exams 3x from 7-830... OR taking the profs that people say "NO DON'T TAKE THEM!!!" and having less class everyday...i.e. spread out stuff. Damn, I love college. The screw-you-over-while-I-take-your-money attitude, the living in a cement box, the overpriced and undernourishing food. Yes, I totally understand why people want to stay in college forever. It makes perfect sense. Any more sense and I think I might believe myself.

But I should end on a good note. Things this semester are going decently. Smoothly, even. No mental breakdowns, no C's or C-'s (at least not so far). I should be happy for that which I have, instead of dreading that which is to come. Appreciative of the hours I am able to spend on comprehending what I'm doing instead of the pointless hours spent not understanding like last year. Ecstatic that my relationship...IS now a relationship. And I am all of these things. Honestly, this is the best semester I have had so far. I just wish that I could carry that on. Instead I feel as if next semester might just make me go insane. Yay.

Oh, and what would people think if my hair looked like this? Comments welcome.

So orgo. Bad. BAD. But I beat the curve (after asking for regrade) so I guess I'm happy. Had an engi math test today. super rapage. :( But apparently everyone did bad. Even the people who knew what they were doing. So that makes me feel a little better I guess. *sigh* :(

Voted. YAY! I have a say in what happens to my country. Well, kinda... you know....aloing with the other 20 bazillion people. But my vote DOES count :) so does yours if you voted.

I don't really have much to say...obviously. yeah kinda bored. BORED. booooooorrrrrrreeeeeeddddddd.
end

Not sure what's going on. Should be studying for my organic test that is in 3 hours 19 minutes and counting. But I can't concentrate too well right now. I guess I'll find out later.

Otherwise, not much going on. I'm going home tomorrow, presumably with Jason, because my mom wants me to watch my little sister. It'll be nice I guess, see my family and all, after all it has been like 2 weeks or something. And like 4 or 5 days since I've even talked to any of them. Went to the doctor, found out I'm normal. Yay for genericism. (deleted by the way) The one time I don't mind being normal is stuff like that.

I dunno, I think I'm doing everything I need to be, then randomly "I'm not." It kinda sucks. I guess that life, change is the only constant.

I was thinking about relationships the other day (not only mine, in general also). And how once you do something, it's really hard to not continue. Like how do you go 17 years sleeping alone and then after just a few weeks of having someone beside you, it seems so hard to sleep by yourself? Since when does a twin bed seem "too big" for just you? I've talked to other people who have said the same things, so I don't think it's just me. Maybe Foamy is right...we all just sit around trying to validate ourselves by being in a relationship, but when I turn and see a smiling sleepy face staring at me every morning (not so much anymore since it leaves at 645, but still, you know what I mean) it makes me pretty freakin' happy.

Well, down to 3 hours 6 minutes til orgo test...so I should probably look over those reactions some more.

I should have something to say...
Studying for Orgo test. It's not this Friday but next. I think even if I put 30 hours into it, it might still rape me. Not gonna be fun. I guess I need to understand how to put something 3-D on paper better. *sigh* Maybe that's why I like the ones that aren't meant to be 3-D. They're just flat. It makes me happy.

Kinda worried about things that are happening. Hopefully Monday will clear all that up. Til then, I guess I just have to wait. And hope it's not bad. Maybe I'm just retarded? I'd take that over some of the alternatives. Willingly.

I was reading the card Jason gave me at the beginning of the semester today. It makes me sad to see that I almost screwed up just like he did. But it makes me happy to see that I didn't. That I was willing to work it out. It makes me even happier to see that he was as well. I think we progressed farther in 2 weeks than we ever had before. I made another blog then, one that people could see but no one knew about - to express feelings I didn't feel I could express to him. It didn't help. You know what did? Telling him how I felt. Talking through half the night. Just talking. Hearing him say things that were relevant, not just random shit. Hearing about his life before me, hearing about things that were totally new to me. It's made it kind of bother me that it seems people don't think he has feelings. That they can say whatever they want to him, about him...just whatever they want...and he won't be affected. *sigh* Definitely not true. Sometimes I forget that. But I think most of the time everyone else does.

Anyway, that's just something I've noticed. I've also noticed that they're slowly...one by one...powerwashing the buildings on campus. I think that they look really good. I'm glad they're taking initiative to make the campus look nice. Perhaps next someone will do something about the terrible roads around here. *shrug* One battle at a time I suppose.

Back to studying orgo it is. Because I don't want the raping that will follow if I don't. Oh, and engi math...is the suck. But not as bad as physics. Which is the super suck. And history is just boring. I think that's why I want to do so well in orgo. It's the only class I'm taking this semester that I really like. Like enjoy. Like it's interesting. Like I'm taking orgo II, (for premed req) but I think I might've anyway, even though it's not in my degree plan. Maybe I should've done something more chem related. Eh, who knows.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wow, yay for being a nutzo. *gasp*

The longest blog I've ever written...

and it's not even here... :-/

Yes, I did steal this from Brittnee's blog. It was too crazy to only be posted in one place I think. Perhaps he shouldn't get a new penis if he was dumb enough to piss the old one away? Literally...

Anyway, not much going on here, lots of organic studying. I'm not freaked out about the test yet, but I do have 2 more practice tests to do (granted I've done decently well on the first 2) We shall see, we shall see... My goal: beat a 97. Guess whose 97 it is :P But hey, at least I've got goals, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought I'd get a little time off after my orgo test Friday, but it seems that Saturday morning/afternoon (depending on when I get up :P) I'm going up to the Woodlands to catch up on all the engi math I've fallen behind on due to all my orgo studying. (for that test Tuesday) Ah, and just when I thought I'd get a break there....here comes the phys test that I will be studying for from Tuesday til Friday. Then, after much toil, I do get a break. Which makes me happy. Very happy. YAY. Ooh, why am I even writing this? I need to be studying. Oops. Byebye.

:-(

You know that feeling you get when you do something that comes from the back of your mind and you just type it and don't really know exactly what you're saying? And you look back and you read it and somehow it makes sense and you feel a little bit better because you got something out that wasn't really bothering you and isn't truly the way you feel, but it's that little nagging thing that you think about every once in a while? I shouldn't do that anymore, because when people do the same in response to me...it sucks a lot and makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I think I might start another blog besides this one with a random name just to post stuff like that on. I dunno, that way I could get it out and say it but it wouldn't be something people would read so I wouldn't hurt anyone and so no one would hurt me. Perhaps thats a good idea.

Ever dislike someone so much that just so much as seeing them makes you want to explode? That hearing about their well-being makes you angry? That knowing that somehow there is someone out there who could like them gives you a feeling of utter confusion? This "you are the most terrible person in the world" mentality doesn't come from nowhere. It stems from something, and I believe that it will be there until something changes. A lot has changed, granted - and that I am thankful for because I don't think my situation would be the same had nothing changed. Maybe I'm just stingy or something, because as thankful as I am (perhaps I haven't expressed my gratitude as much as I mean to) it seems that it still isn't good enough. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I'm a giant hypocrite, but I guess I can't stop the way I feel. And right now I feel like what "should be good enough" isn't. Every time I see it i get angry, every time I get angry I leave and every time I leave all I can think about is the past. And I see it again. And again and again, every time it's "different" but every time it's the same.

I think that a "fresh start" is impossible, life is tainted and molded by the past, the past is what keeps you from doing things you would want to, the past is what makes you do things you don't. I don't think "forgive and forget" exists either. It pretends to, or rather, a person pretends to, may even actually forgive, but the incident is never forgotten. There is always that thought in the back of one's mind... "They did it before, what's stopping them from doing it again?" This is the biggest factor in tainting the past I think. Stupid decisions that are "forgiven and forgotten" but not really. I think people believe that they are forgotten, but there still is the underlying resentment, even if it's just a tiny bit. I think that people enjoy the pain that comes with failure, otherwise they wouldn't screw up so often.

I think that I have no idea what I just wrote...it came and went without my mind processing it. Take that as you will....

Apparently I thrive on pity, have a terrible fear of being alone and am constantly in a state where something is wrong - physically/mentally.

Comments welcome. *shrug* What've I got to lose?

I just read Brittnee's latest blog...wow chica where did that come from??? hehe freakin' awesome. I had to say something about it, I just had to. :P For those of you too lazy to click on the link....shame on you I'm not going to steal it from her. Click on the damn link. CLICK ON IT! Oh, and Jason: you need to update. I'm tired of looking at the really old blog. Blake...you too. The angry Amanda post is old :P So hah!

I don't want to finish my paper. I'm at the 3 and 1/2 page point and I'm stuck. I really need to finish it because I've got physics to do and I want to get it to Blake so he can look over it without being rushed or annoyed. *sigh* This is why I'm an engineer and not a "liberal arts/social science" major. A few of us were talking about the term 'social science'. But I'm not going to get into that now. Instead I'm going to make myself finish my paper. Yes, finish the paper, Heather, finish the paper....

Is gratuity the right word?

I've decided that people call far too much attention to themselves. I really wish my digital camera still worked. In fact, I might buy a new one. I think I am going to set up a photo blog based on the pictures of terribly gratuitous things. This started as my comment of "the gratuitous truck of the day" speaking about all of the giant, jacked up, 'penis compensating' trucks out there with the bars and the lights and god knows what else. I might see them as slightly less gratuitous if they weren't squeaky fucking clean. I mean these trucks have never even seen dirt. *sigh* Yes, this is how it started. And then came the creepy lady who must've been in her late 30s to early 40s (ie supposed to be professional and....in the workforce) with bright pink hair. I mean hot pink and down near her waist. She became gratuitous person #1. Now I search for these people, vehicles, and other gratuitous things, hoping to find them and wishing I had a camera. So if you see a link go up on the side of my blog or in my profile, click on it...it might be funny....or at the least....gratuitous :P

You've had warning.

Ok, Haloscan = not working....guess I'll have to use retard Blogger comments. *sigh*

Dammit, I wanted to change the look of my blog...that's it...and now....all my old comments.....GONE. POOF! Grrrr stupid not knowing html....oh well...I guess I'll have to start fresh....here we go again.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

How Many Licks...?

A group of engineering students from Purdue University recorded that their licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. They tried the same licking test on 20 volunteers and found that the average licks to the center were 252 licks.

A chemical engineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recorded that his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per Tootsie Pop.

A group of students at Swathmore School used human lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took an average of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Based on the wide range of results from these scientific studies, it is clear that the world may never know how many licks it really takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

Figured I'd update...it seems necessary. Class is going suprisingly well so far... I'm impressed. I've been studying and doing my work and trying to keep up; and thus far it's been working and I feel like I comprehend everything I need to be comprehending. I need to look over some Orgo stuff cuz we learned some new structure diagrams (I think that's what they're called) yesterday, and I have to finish my lab to turn in tomorrow, and I need to finish my engi math stuff, but I think I can do the last two pretty quickly and then spend some quality time with my giant orgo book doing examples to make sure I understand. Because understanding is good.

Ok, so that was the "nerd" section of my post...where I talk about class and HW and stuff...

I think I've realized some important feelings/emotions in the last few days. I've realized what it's like to push a choice and get nowhere and then give up and stop pushing and somehow it all falls into place. I've realized what it's like to feel guilty about not feeling guilty (think about that one, I think it makes sense?) I've realized that maybe the past should be put there and the future should stay there...and maybe I should just live for the moment because that's all I really have. I think the more that I start to look to the future and try to mold it into what I want to be and where I want to be and what I want to be doing the more I screw it up. Maybe that's "something" telling me that I should stop trying to fuck with things and just go. Stop uncertainties and decide...all that kind of thing.

Have you ever heard about something and felt bad about what happened and then you hear who it's about and you don't feel bad anymore? Is that "wrong"? Yes, I'm being vague. No it's probably not what you're thinking. Comments welcome. Really.