Thursday seems like it's going to take forever to get here. It's Monday. That's all. And it's been Monday for 14 hours. I've sat and stared and read through just about all of them. Leaves me wondering why sleep just doesn't seem to come some nights. I have to work until 10 tonight. I guess that will at least be something to pass the time for me. Perhaps. I can't decide if I like my job or not. Whenever I decide I don't, I find myself danciing through the aisles and singing. Whenever I decide that means I do, the day sucks and moves more slowly than ever. I guess it just depends on who else is working that can entertain me. I should get an job with an accountant. Experience would pretty likely prove to be beneficial to me. Hmm, almost a real job. Imagine that. Almost. Heh, hopefully it will be better than my last attempt to have a "real" job that will get me some experience in my field. Because that was utter failure. And a waste of my time.

Anyway, time needs to pass more quickly. I sat in my history class for what seemed like absolutely forever, listening to my professor drone on and on in his story about poor farmers in the 1890's. Then I looked at the time and realized I'd only been sitting there for 20 minutes. Gives a whole new meaning to "every minute is like an hour". Christ. I didn't think it would ever end. Even music won't pass the time like normal. I'm almost out of books, I didn't bring one with me today so that doesn't help either. I'm down to the last one, the one that I was planning on reading on the flight and such. Oh well. Perhaps I'll take another trip to the bookstore. Find something interesting, something that catches my eye. Heh, I'm a terrible shopper. Totally irrational. I figure why look for a book (or anything for that matter). Let it look for you. If it doesn't jump out at me, then why bother, eh? Guess we'll see. Got an idea for a new author to try anyway, so perhaps that'll prove itself. Paul Bowles. Leave a comment if you've read him and let me know what you think. I'll be reading him, so I'll probably leave a post about it later.

Not much has happened since my last post. At least not much interesting. I've come to a conclusion, more of a realization perhaps. But I find myself somewhat unwilling to go into detail. Or maybe apprehensive I guess. School started. My classes are by far the most boring ever. I miss engineering. At least then there was a challenge. Maybe it was so great because it was too much of a challenge for me. No sense dwelling in the past when you can't change it I suppose. But I do miss it. The challenge. The excitement of finally getting something right. The friends that were always around...everything I suppose.

I started a new book. Angels & Demons. It's the prequel to The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown. I plan to read that one next. Angels & Demons has been good so far, I've enjoyed it. Enough to read nearly 400 pages over the last day and a half. While Catholicism doesn't interest me in an "I want to be Catholic" sort of way, the history of all the terrible things that have been done "in the name of God" is captivating. But I suppose that is the way it is in all religions. There may not be "Holy Crusades" in the present, but when it really comes down to it the battles between religion and religion and religion and science IS quite prominent. I also find it interesting how, when it comes down to it, all tmehe major religions really do tell quite nearly the same story. Sure, there are obvious deviations, but who knows what may have been lost in perception and translation. There are obvious deviations even within modern history books about the Civil War...look at one from New York and one from Texas. You'd barely think they were talking about the same thing. And that wasn't even 200 years ago. This was 2,000 years ago. Anyone who can say that there is no possibility for variation of the same story is ridiculous. Ridiculous. And that's all I have to say about that.

I also bought several more books in addition to Dan Browns. One is My Friend Leonard, the next book written by James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces. Yeah, I've read the CNN news reports on how "the book is a lie" and "how he fooled Oprah" and this and that. Don't particularly care. I thought the book was good. It had to have some truth to it. So the guy exaggerated some charges and such. Who sells an autobiography that doesn't exaggerate something about themselves? Sure, maybe it's something good most of the time. But still...I dunno, I guess I kind of expected some exaggeration. I mean he was on drugs, blacking out and such. Perhaps I'm wrong, but don't you NOT remember the things that happen when you blackout? The book would have been pretty damn short had he said "well, I don't remember this entire period of my life, so even though it's important and kind of vital to my explanation, I won't include it." Yeah. Maybe I just read too much fiction and come to expect the same from nonfiction. Whatever. I liked the book. Once I finish with Dan Brown's work, My Friend Leonard is next on the list. The other book I bought was just kind of an impulse, this looks interesting kind of thing. I really don't know what to expect from it, but the subject is one that has the potential to be highly interesting to me. It's called Blood: An Epic History of Medicine and Commerce. The New York Times called it "Riveting." I think "riveting" is the dumbest critic word ever. I mean, really. Riveting? WTF. Just say "captivating" or something. Riveting is something you do to a building. With rivets. Anyway, I think that will probably end up being airplane entertainment or the like, since because I have way too much free time and nothing to do with it I will probably have zipped through the other 3 by Feb 2.

Oh man. Feb 2. It's so soon! :) I'm more excited every day. I've been skiing before, twice even, and snowboarding once (kinda :-P...we'll call it "snowfalling" for the most part) but not in Colorado yet, and most definitely not recently. I love being in the snow. Yeah, yeah I realize that it must suck to deal with it for a whole season, and that the day after it falls and is all pretty it gets all gross due to cars and such, but still...when it's falling or freshly fallen it's so beautiful.

My new addition!

PA-THETIC

That is all.

New Years party was last night...it was fun :) I took lots of pictures, and posted them on my MSN site (because putting 50somethin pics in blogger was not my idea of a fun time) so I just made an album there. You can click here to see them. Definitely quite the entertaining night. For those of you who didn't come...you missed out! Tyler gets back from Canada/Vegas soon too, and I'm excited :-) I went and watched Anu's dance performance today also, it was really interesting. I'd never been to a Hindu temple, it was very pretty, as were the clothes. Pics of that are also on my MSN site :)

That's all for now. I guess it's post party apartment clean up time... :'( sadness.

So I guess I was a bit unhappy in my last post. Once again, I have learned that stupid girl things are just that...stupid. Though I might find it hard to believe that someone might actually care or something like that...I guess I shouldn't let my insecurities take over. Heh, easy to say, not so easy to do. But I've been trying. Really hard. Guess sometimes I just slip up. Anyway...

Had my New Years party tonite. Only 1 of my friends showed. The rest were Andrea's. Thank goodness she actually invited people this time, eh? What's up with the ditching me, people? :( But it's ok, more booze for us... I have lotsa pics that I will post when I'm a little more sober...dice games aren't always the friendliest ;-) I guess unless you're the guys in the midst of a bunch of girls haha...

That's all for now...like I said...I'll post the pics (or some of them at least...) soon.

Grr, I did a stupid girl thing. I hate when I do stupid girl things. Like when you say something, and you kinda expect an answer, and then you don't get the answer you expect and then you get upset because you didn't get the answer you expected and you shouldn't be, because people can give whatever answer they want, but you are, because you think you should have gotten a different , "better" answer. So then it ruins your day. It really is just like setting yourself up for failure. Because really, you won't get the better answer. I should know that by now.

So Christmas went by. I kind of didn't really notice, other than the addition of my super awesome digital camera to the "things I will eventually accidentally break" list. Andrea and I have just been kinda chillin' at the apartment, when we don't have to work that is...
Katie came and stayed the 27-28. That was cool, I miss that kid ;) We went to a hookah bar, and I would have taken pictures, but I left the battery to my said super awesome camera on the freakin' charger. So no pics from that. All I have is the pic from when we went to Bennigans. And the table of guys slightly across the room kept staring at us. Heh, we got a laugh out of that.




Katie. Yeah, she gets more phone calls than anyone I know. Freakin' crazy.






Yeah, so that's about all that has happened lately. A few small get togethers that I wouldn't consider "parties", a few drunken nights, and not much else to tell. Oh, and I got a new job.

Merry Christmas!

To everyone :-) None of this PC "Happy Holiday" stuff. Merry fuckin' Christmas. And Happy New Year to those of you I don't talk to before then. Heh, last year it almost was "snowing" on Christmas Eve, this year it's gonna be 70 degrees tomorrow. Crazy, eh? I thought so.

Andrea and I have a bet placed for events leading up to Monday. Sadly, we both think the same thing will occur (or won't occur rather), so I guess it isn't really a bet. But we'll both be absolutely dumbfounded if we're wrong.

My parents got me a box of thongs for Christmas. I find that a little weird. *shrug* hehe oh well, they're cute. Comment and tell me what you guys got, especially if it's kinda weird. :-D

Ahh, and I also now have the prettiest ears around ;-) Nothing like well selected shiny sparkly things to make a girl smile.

I started a new book today- A Million Little Pieces - and I've found I can't put it down. Conrad was reading it when he came down to see Tyler, and he said it was good. Then Andrea and I saw it at the store and she said she heard it was good...so we bought it. And it's good. It makes me realize just how much I don't understand. How much I probably never will. I don't see how someone can lose themselves so deeply. Swirling downward in a haze of drugs and booze. How anyone could think that waking up every morning to a toilet full of vomit is better than...well...not. I suppose once the downward spiral begins the momentum keeps one going, but I guess that isn't something I'm capable of understanding. Or that I really want to understand perhaps. I was going to write a bunch more, but I don't feel like it anymore. Read the book if you get the chance, that's my opinion.

I need a real pet...

then there would be someone there all the time when I was sad. Gotta love the unconditional love that comes with the trust of an animal. Not to mention a cat you can train like a dog would be the coolest. And it would put an end to those cold lonely nights...My cat would totally be potty trained too. I'd even consider getting the little button they can jump down on to flush. Man, I need a hobby...

Even Fiji can't fix me now...

I hurt. Body, mind and soul. I guess that's what failing miserably at the one thing you've spent the last 2.5 years on does to you. I'm not a nerd anymore...I'm too dumb to be called that now. For all the times I've talked about how much I hate the engineering program, how terrible it is...at least I was getting to do what I wanted to do. Perhaps I took that for granted. Now I can't even do that. Now I have to search and find something that is what I least-don't-want-to-do instead of being in what I do want to do. Now I have to settle for misery ending in misery instead of choosing misery with excitement at the end. Now I have that feeling that I know I'll look back in years and sadly say "What if I were just a little smarter? Where would I be now?" instead of being there. Sure, you can say I'm looking at it the wrong way, that I could be happy in some other major. You can say it all you want. The point is, I found where I wanted to be, and now I can't be there. And that is the biggest failure to me. And it's my failure. And that means I've failed. That I'm not as good as I wanted to be, that I didn't meet my goals...that I'm the loser who had to give up. I don't like being that person. And when I do have to find my new major, every class I take will remind me of my failures. Every single one. When I'm taking "Intro to Bullshit 101", I'll be sitting in class thinking about how I should be in transport or bioanalytics or thermo. How I should be integrating and deriving, not memorizing and regurgitating. How I should be making a difference, not adding to the bueracracy that I've tried to circumvent. Perhaps that is a naive thought, to think I could singlehandedly make a difference, but at least I could do something to help people through instead of standing in their way. I should be in a labcoat...not a business suit. Creating solutions, not problems. That's where I belong. I just don't fit into the business world. But I guess that doesn't matter to the people who key the D's and the F's into the system. They're just there to push the buttons...I'm nothing but a SSN to them. Who would've thought this would happen to me...guess I always thought it would just be someone else I'd be feeling bad for.

I feel weird. Like something is out of place. Or like I should be somewhere or doing something or permanently like I'm forgetting something. I think it's because I've been so so so busy lately, especially with the projects, that now that they're done and all I have left is actual studying (hah, I say that like it's trivial...I WISH) a large part of what I've been spending all my time on is gone. But even before that, something just feels...odd. I wish I knew what it was. Perhaps the impending holidays and my lack of plans. And sadly, my lack of wanting plans really. I think I'd be happy just sleeping through them. Driving to look at the Christmas lights and then just not dealing with it. I wish I could go somewhere where it wasn't bitterly cold, but just cold enough for snow. And not even a lot of snow, I'd be happy with like 2 inches. Just somewhere that it was pretty, where I could wake up Christmas Day and really say I had a white Christmas. I'm tired of here. I'm tired of now, too. I want elsewhere...and later...I guess the grass is always greener...I should take a vacation. If only I had somewhere to go, right?

Leavin' on a jet plane

Arrgggghhhhh. People make me angry. I shouldn't have to choose. I don't make them choose. Maybe that's why I always leave. To make it easier for them. 'Cuz it sure as hell isn't fantastically great for me all the time. Stupid choosing. But I guess it's my fault. Like everything. Like always.

It always comes down to this: it'd be so much better if I were in Fiji. It's all about the hammocks, the coconut shell cups with the little flowers and the boat-mail. Ahh, yes. Boat-mail. One day that's what I'll have to look forward to. For at least a week, dammit.

Don't you hate when you can't sleep...

and you need to? When it's too late to be able to churn out something productive, but you lay in bed and counting the number of times the fan spins around suddenly becomes the most interesting thing in the universe? Also, why is it people you don't like always have to be at places you do like? I mean, Christ, do they just want the awkwardness? Anyway, the (billions of) projects are well underway. The finals studying, unfortunately, is not. Due to the massive projectness. BUT, it's ok. Because I am going to totally rock my finals and my professors are going to be SO in awe they can't help but give me A's. Or something like that. Hey, all B's would rock my world too. And to the point of no return even. But I now have eye-rubbing sleepy feelings, so perhaps that is my cue to finally get to go to bed. I can't wait for Dec. 14th at 5pm. CAN'T EFFIN' WAIT. Oh, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the 18th is gonna be freakin' awesome too. Yay! :)

I got my hat :) Well, kinda. It's a different one, but still an awesome fedora. So I'm happy. The next 2 weeks are going to be SO uber busy. 2 design projects, a presentation and a paper due Monday, a final Wednesday, a *HARD* final Friday, another *HARD* final Tuesday and a final that shouldn't be difficult but will be Wednesday. And then I'm going to party. From Wednesday night til the 19th, when I start working again. I say that, but I'll probably just sleep ;) With some booze in there someplace. I don't think Danaca would let me get away with that one. Or Andrea for that matter.

So, sadly, I'm already thinking about next semester. And the suckiness that is to ensue there. Perhaps I should go back to NSM and be a chem or bio major or something. Ugh. I dun wanna. Do anything, that is. BIOE made me happy until it wasn't Biomedical, it was just ECE with some CHEE thrown in. I think the curriculum is kind of dumb and doesn't flow or make sense. It's just a lot of random classes on 2 opposite ends of the spectrum. They need to PICK ONE. Or let us choose which specification we want. Grr. I guess it's a bit late for that now. They're having a "curriculum meeting" next week. Perhaps they'll tell us then just exactly what kind of degree this is supposed to be other than the "we procrastinated and don't want to pay professors to teach undergrad classes even though we don't really have much of a graduate program either" major. Something different would be....grrrreat. *sigh* Enough ranting. I'm going to be happy and enjoy my Christmastime and enjoy my new hat and get thru the next exactly 2 weeks. And then I'm going to enjoy my break and enjoy everything about not being in class for awhile. Then it will be ok to go back to miserable and stressed and full of sadness and worries. But right now I'm listening to Christmas music and wearing my hat and drinking my grape Dr. Pepper and being happy.

And here's a pic of the coolest BIOE chicks ever. (no offense to the other BIOE chicks)

sigh. The end of the semester is near. Only 3 to 4 more sessions for each class. Then finals. As much as I'm ready....I'm SO not. So much to study for, so many projects. So much time consuming stuff and so little time to do it.

Happierly, last weekend was fun. Tyler's friend Conrad flew in from Canada, and we all hung out. Friday we saw the new Harry Potter on the IMAX screen. Talk about huge! It was good, they're getting a bit darker as they progress. Saturday my review was cancelled, and we went to Space Center Houston. Tyler proceeded to break a space machine...sigh, what am I going to do with him? ;) They all went out for a (21+) night on the town, so I called up some buddies (Andrea, Lindsey, Kathleen, Brett and Andrea's friend Anu) and we went hookahing. Is that a word? Anyway, apple hookah is awesome. Yes, easier than breathing air, I must admit.


Andrea and I seeing who could get the hookah first. Sadly, she won. Guess I'm just not buff enough ;)












Once Andi gave it up...











We were going to go to some party downtown, but ended up back at my apartment boozing instead. An hour or 2 later Tyler, Conrad, Travis, Kim and Stuart showed up. Rather pre-boozed, I might add. Heh, then "some funny stuff happened" that wouldn't be considered PG, so you can ask about it if you want to know ;). And our fire extinguisher almost got sprayed. On someone else. That was a close one teehee. Sunday was a boring day, I worked with my groups on my fluid mechanics and then thermodynamics projects. Woo, fun, only not. Ooh, and yesterday we saw Walk the Line and I got a big green monkey. In fact, I got the biggest, brightest one at the MarqE :) He's the coolest, as is his picker-outer, eh? His name, at least temporarily, is Jim the Monkey.

And that was my weekend. One of the more exciting in quite some time. That makes me happy :-D I needed a good relaxing weekend.

Oh, and I finally got the pics from Holley when we went to Target and tried on hats. Friggin' awesome.






Man, if I only had somewhere to wear this hat.

You know when your head is so teeming with thoughts that you find yourself unable to grasp even one of them? Those nights when you lie awake in the darkness, staring at nothing without realizing it? Those days that seem to pass without ever existing? Or the ones where a minute seems like an eternity as you wait and wait for something that is never to come? Decisions are the worst part of every day, especially the important ones. Especially the hard important ones. Especially the hard important ones that you feel you are walking into rather blindly. Then again, what is life without antagonizing anticipation of that which is probably never to happen?

Yes, I'm rambling. No, there isn't an explanation. At least most likely not.

Just call me the cab driver...or razorblade

That's how it feels. I'm like the person who comes into the life of another, in one way or another helps them from A to B, and then is gone. Perhaps it's my fault, I'm sure that is what a lot of other people would say if I hadn't. But I dunno, sometimes it seems like that's all I'm good for. I'm the friend who makes you feel better for awhile, gives you a shoulder to cry on when you need it, but isn't good enough for anymore. Or the girlfriend who is easily replacable by some hotter girl who has less opinion. That's the word...disposable. Once I get dull I get thrown in the trash. Of course there are exceptions I suppose. Those few few FEW people who, even if you don't talk regularly are pretty much ALWAYS there for you. But for the most part, every few years it's to the trash can for me. Where I proceed to start anew I suppose. And so I ask myself (and everyone reading this), is this something most people experience, or is it just me?

So, I have decided that "chick flicks" are bad. Not because there's no bloody, gory death. That (or the lack of) is fine with me. They are bad because people are SO not like that. I mean I guess that's obvious, but walking out of a movie and wanting to be surprised by champagne and a bed of rose petals or being blindfolded and brought to a rooftop for a candle-lit dinner complete with violin player or something like that? WHO GETS THAT? If you do, let me know, because I think you really live in like 1800. Maybe. Or in a movie. For real. Anyway, this just came about because of a conversation I was having, and I thought I should post about it. Movies like that lead to far to high of expectations for guys. (no offense) But for real. Guys don't even buy flowers (unless they're in trouble or someone tells them that they will be in trouble if they don't buy them), not to mention spending the time to spread them over a room, haha! But don't worry, girls are just as bad. They just dream up all the stuff and then expect it without saying anything, only to be let down because, as I've heard, guys can't read minds. Imagine that...

Yeah, I think that's all. Let's see what everyone has to say about this one. (that means comment)

This weekend was pretty uneventful again. Had an exam and class Saturday. Tried a new restaurant, Maggiano's, it was really good. Then watched a movie. Isn't that the most exciting day ever? Thought so. Today was nice, slept in and such. Went to dinner with the parents & grandparents. They got to meet Tyler, which made them happy I guess. Pretty uneventful. They don't hate each other ;) Yeah, I think that's all. Now I'm pretending to study. I really want the semester to be over *sigh* It's getting to be that time in the semester. It also sucks that school is basically all I have to talk about. Guess that's what I get for being a nerd.