So I've always felt at least "quasi" normal. But more and more recently I think I've realized just how fucked up I am. I mean, sure, 'normal' is something I've always kinda tried to go against, but it seems now that I'm "not normal" that's all I want to be. I mean for godsakes, I fucking box my ear like twice a week twitching. Apparently I even twitch in my sleep, which really kind of upset me because that means it's something more than at a conscious level. So I'm finally doing something about it... I'm breaking down and going to the doctor. I'm tired of people making fun of me, I'm tired of the snickering, I'm tired of being a fucking freak. There are reasons that I'm not going to talk about here as to why I have been avoiding this appointment, but I can't deal anymore. The toll is more than just a physical "Ow, twitching this much makes my muscles hurt" or "Damn I'm tired of having to watch how much sugar and caffiene I have." It has turned to "I'm really tired of people getting their kicks from me feeling like I'm defective. I'm really sick of being laughed at and stared at not only by people I don't know, but those I DO KNOW." Man, that's definetly a confidence booster. Apparently everybody is a little weird, some weirdnesses are just 'more apparent' than others. I guess mine is just too apparent to go without great jest.

Perhaps a lobotomy of my entire brain is in order. They could stick it in a jar and then I wouldn't care who made fun of me. Til then, I think I've started to.

Comments on the prior blog still welcome....I feel slightly enlightened, but the more the merrier.