Yay for Memegens!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
age
Stripper Name:	Tina Tingles
Specialty:	wearing the best outfits
Customers say:	"Best $20 I've ever spent..."
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	Coke bottles
Your Favorite Target:	Nuns
Your Kill Count:	1,361,555,606
Your Battle Cry:	"Beans."
Years You Spend in Jail:	21
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$128,234,211,195,540
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 66%
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

I r feeling betterer. It s a good feeling :) Med center stuff is really cool, I'm enjoying myself. I'm watching Jason hang up his clothes in his boxers, it's pretty funny. Heh heh heh.

Hmm what else. Physics is sucking more every day.MORE AND MORE AND MORE! I'm kinda bored, just chilling out waiting for Jay to finish doing stuff, we're going out to dinner with Chris and Kellie for her b-day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLIE! Not much else really, just chillin. Ok, I'm tired of typing, no real revelations lately, at least none I'm willing to share...

end-o

Guess what!? I don't feel like typing but I feel like posting. New quizzes. Hey, don't bitch, you know you take them when you're really bored.

I am a Space-invader. I will happily recruit the help of friends to aid me in getting what I want. I have no tolerance for people getting in my way, and I am completely relentless until any threats or opposition are removed. I try to be down-to-earth, but something always seems to get in the way. What Video Game Character Are You?

Maybe a real post later if I feel like it..

More quizzes... complements of spending 3+ hours on physics and only getting about a chapter and a half (maybe) done. I fucking hate physics.

You are Sneakers! You're an active girl, who's all about function You dress for the occasion - comfort comes first Your perfect guy? Someone who can keep up with you. You'll find him - but you might have to slow down to see him! What Shoe Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Lip Gloss Flavor Is: Cotton Candy You're a total girly girl who's every guy is sweet on. You take pleasure in the simple things in life, from cute t-shirts to stuffed animals. Any guy needs to match your romantic idealism to win your heart, which is why few have. No wonder Cotton Candy is your signature flavor. It's delicious, sugary, and fun - like you! What Flavor Lip Gloss Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Haha, that on is right on....riiight :P

You Are a Boy Shorts Bikini! You're a sexy girl - but not the type that likes to let it all hang out. You are in to a little of everything at the beach - swimming, tanning, playing And when you're running around, you'll be sure your butt isn't falling out of your suit What Kind of Bikini Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Quiz, because I don't have much of anything better to do...


cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Hopefully in a few days all will pass. I hope so... a lot. I feel so...so...bleh right now, I don't want to do anything. I don't even really feel like going to the med ctr tomorrow for my first day, which sucks because I was really psyched about the opportunity. Everything seems mediocre right now, and I feel less than so.

I hate. I think that's all I can say. I don't quite know what I hate, but I know that I do. I'm full of it. Up to the brim, overflowing with the feeling. I feel like everything I want to pull towards me is being pushed away and everything I want to get the hell away is sitting right around me, waiting for me to explode into a million pieces. Yeah, yeah, this blog is a rant, deal with it. Or leave, whatever.

"I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under"
~Evanescence

I don't know where all my unhappiness originates...

Maybe it's because I got my probation letter from the UH scholarship office today. Could be because my physics prof went through an entire chapter in 35 mins today. Could be because I had to stand in the rain at work for an hour today. Could be a whole bunch of other shit that I don't feel like typing again b/c the first copy of this blog was erased...whatever.

On a somewhat anti-shitty note, I finally get to start at the Med Ctr Wednesday. It's pretty much one of the few things I'm looking forward to - that and the obvious getting to see Jason sometime. I feel so secluded from everyone else. Everybody is all down on campus pretty much every day and I'm all 30-45 mins away. I miss everybody, it sucks.

So I've had this pretty much constant headache for the last few days...it's not cool and I'm not sure why it won't go away. If I cared enough it might be a point of worry, but alas, the care factor isn't there. It isn't anywhere, unfortunately. Except in the things that I care about no matter what. I think if I stopped caring altogether... well I dunno what, but it wouldn't be good.

have you ever wanted to stop a post in mid sen

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

A quiz compliments of...well I'm not exactly sure who. I mean I know who's site I pulled it from, but I don't really know who they are, other than a name and a picture from someone else's wallet. Jennie, sorry you're not doing so well, although I haven't met you Jason seems to care a lot for you, so you must be a pretty good person. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Leaving for Dad's canoe race tomara, it starts Saturday. Gonna be muddy as hell. And the mosquitoes are literally gonna pick me up and carry me away. Outlook for the weekend: fun as hell :P

I think I really take what I have for granted sometimes. It makes me feel really bad when I think about it and realize how much I have and how all I do is bitch about what I want. I know that I should see that more often, but it's so easy to get lost in a sea of 'consumer whoring' that sometimes even I forget. I worry that I will become like my mum sometimes; thinking that the only things I should do are things that benefit me directly and generally in terms of money. I don't think she wants me to volunteer at the Heart Institute. She'd rather me either work more or...work more. I dunno, I'm really really looking forward to the end of every week when I get to drive down to the Med Center and help out. I don't think she understands how I feel and I don't know how to express it to her. I met this guy at the volunteer orientation, he gets up at 5am for work, then puts in a school day after that, then comes to volunteer in the ER 3-4 days a week, not getting home until after 11pm. Then gets up at 5am all over again. It was really inspiring. I wish I could motivate myself like that. I feel like I don't have the drive to do anything; I want to go to med school more than anything and know I'll never get there unless I start kicking ass in class, but I can't seem to do it right...
::sigh:: the mum is calling, guess that's all for now.

Its just the beginning of the beginning of the end....

So, another great weekend :) I envy all you people who get to see Jason everyday. I miss him lots.

Haha so my dad's canoe race thing is this upcoming weekend and he's naming his boat "The Naked Truth" (this isn't funny to anyone who hasn't heard the story from 2 years ago...) I got him a sticker for the boat of a guy running around naked...he laughed for like 5 minutes. It was great :P

Phys sucks. Even when I kinda know what I'm doing from last semester b4 I dropped, it still sucks. A chapter a day is ridiculously bang-your-head-against-the-wall bad. ::shrug:: I guess it could b worse, at least the prof is good. hehe, he says "omega" as "oh-meh-gaah" Its great. :P

Work consistently makes me angry. The stupid people making me do this stupid training to learn how to greet a guest is fucking retarded. I don't need to be at Splashtown til fuckin 11pm to learn how to say "Hi, how are you" It's fucking common courtesy. Maybe the assholes who don't know how to say hello shouldn't be hired in the 1st place. Damn. I might not always be nice, but you pay me, even if the pay is shitty and I realize that part of my job is to put on the fake smile and make other people feel welcome and feel like they haven't wasted their obscene amount of money to get into the park. People need to not be so fucking stupid and incompetent. Grr.

On the other hand, I've been pretty happy with the lack of work I've had to do the past few days...for one reason or another for the past 3 or 4 days I've worked I haven't really had to do anything. But the people still make me want to kill.

So does Verizon. Way to get people into contracts that last longer than you know the shitty phones you sell ever could. And then, the only way to get a new phone without paying the billion dollars they want for it without a contract is to renew your contract til somewhere around 2010...come on, what the fuck? All I wanted was you to fix my phone even...but nooooo. Bah, I wanna blow them up too. ::whistley downward spiral noise:: KaBoom.

Ok, well thats all my bitching for now, I have to wake up all early to go to class tomorrow....

haha, Ian showed me this and when I saw I had to post it:

"Where all the people from Channelview go" ~Ian

Bedtime, school tomara :(

This weekend has been fun :) at least after 3pm Saturday.

So after I got off work I got to go to Katy to go see Jason, which was great, I missed him so much. Much food and fun to be had :) Saw Amityville (is that how you spell it?) Horror, scariness... ::shudder::
1) I would NOT buy a house somebody died in
2) If somehow I did, I would fucking leave after creepy scary thing #1.

Saw Shrek2, it was good, better even than the 1st one I think. All I can say is "We're up the chocolate creek without a popsicle stick, boss" and my cat is SO getting boots.

Also saw The Life of David Gale, which I'd actually never heard of til Jason told me about it. Wasn't released in theatres, but very good movie. Wicked ending.

So Katy Mills mall is apparently the "cool" place to be... I got a hat...AND...it doesn't look retarded on me. At least I don't think so. Hmm not really anything interesting, one of those posts where everyone pretends to read it and then clicks the little X in the corner 1/4 of the way thru. If you made it this far, mad props to you.

So everybody seems to have really serious blogs lately...I really haven't been in the mood to be serious. Fuckin school starts Tuesday and I don't feel like doing anything ever again. I don't think it's even laziness... I think it's just lack of fucking caring. The things I care about, I deal with, I'm around, etc. But I don't want to deal with the things that I don't give a fuck about. It seems the more I feel love, the more capable I am of feeling hate. Which I really don't see as a good thing. I'm not a person who hates naturally. But it seems that the more open I'm becoming to experiencing love, the more hate I feel as well. Not toward the things that bring love, but still...just something I think about I guess.

So you know how "the day doesn't end until you go to bed"? Yeah I should have fuckin gone to sleep at goddamn 7 o'clock when I got home. This definitely hasn't been my day. From the time I woke up until now, right before I go to bed, all shitty. I don't like going to bed when things aren't ok between me and people I'm talking to, but I guess I haven't really got a choice, do I?

Fuck splashtown, fuck money, fuck school and fuck my goddamn computer.

If tomorrow isn't a better day I'm just gonna fucking go to bed. Fuck "trying to make it better". That's all bullshit.

So I got the volunteer thing at the Heart Institute! :-D I'm really excited about it, gotta call this other lady and make an appointment, and then I officially start. Yay! And I start work at Splashtown tomorrow...that will be fun for about 2 or 3 weeks and then I'll want to kill everyone who comes in the park - hey! just like last year! But I already have 1 comp ticket, and should get at least one more for working Monday (i think) so once I get a few, maybe some people wanna come to the park with me? It'd b freeeee :P Mebbe closer to when school starts or somethin, iono, just an idea...

Let's see, what else? I went and saw my sister's band concert and was actually quite surprised; my ears weren't bleeding by the end of it. That was my good deed to her for the rest of the month. That and I put together the damn retarded electric scooter she's getting for her birthday tomorrow... so yeah, I've been a good sister since I got home :P haha right.

I get to see Jason on Saturday, I'm so excited :-D I'm even gonna get off work early so it's not all uber late when I get there. We get to spend part of Saturday and most of Sunday together, so definetly looking forward to that.

I think that's about all, and if it's not that's all I feel like typing right now. :)
yay

Stupid people make me want to kill them. So do bitchy people. And incompetent people who are being paid far too much in their jobs for doing nothing - because they are incompetent. Then there are the competent people being paid 1/2 as much as these incompetent dildos, yet they do 2x+ as much work. Amazing how fucked up that is. Wow.

Hmm...

-Waiting to hear on the Heart Institute thing....should find out Monday or Tuesday ::excited anticipation::

-Renewed my lifeguard training this weekend, it seems uber much easier the second time around (not that it was hard the first time around....)

-Gonna work 10 hour days all this week after I go thru Orientation...that way I can take off a little bit early Saturday and go see my Jason the rest of the weekend :-D Yay for bribing parents by not being home? heh heh seems like a win-win situation to me!

-Got car back from shop finally...it has A/C now! ::dance::

-Got digital camera, now just need something cool to take pics of...

-I'm not sure why this is all "outliney" and bulleted and stuff, but it seemed cool at the time...I think I'm done though. I kinda want some food. Mmmmm food....

Not too much to say, kinda bored. Get to go to Med Ctr Friday to talk to Dr. Rosenstrauch. ::excited:: Hmm, what else...get my car back tomorrow...
ooh! Got hair cut today :) I like it...It's fun. It was really funny getting it cut. I kinda told the lady what I wanted, and then she was like "how about this?" so i was like.."ok" and then she said "this would be cute, what do you think?" and it continued like that for...probably 3 or 4 different things. Heh, its fun though, kinda different than anything else I've had. (heh and writing this keeps Jason wondering what it looks like - Neener neener neener!)

Mmm so I'm bored. If you see me online, IM me and make me unbored :)

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE SCHOOL. I'VE HAD IT. I'M DONE.

Hmm, so a new post...

I think for some reason 5 minutes of boredom is like an eternity of hell to me for some reason. I don't get it. Friday I went and saw Troy, Saturday was Dathan's party, Sunday I spent most of the day with Jason....I wasn't bored during any of that stuff...but I get home and of course there's nothing to do, nobody around...and it seems like being bored for a little while completely detracts from all the fun stuff. Makes me think I'm going to go insane...

So speaking of all the non-boring stuff I've done since being home:

Troy was ok..not exceptional, but not terrible. The fight scene between Achilles and was really cool I thought...

I had fun at Dathan's graduation party; played some pool (yay for incredibly lucky shots!), went swimming, etc etc. (sorry we left early :( )

Spending all day Sunday just with Jason was nice :) Even though it had only been like 2 days since we moved out of the dorms, we missed each other and it was nice to be able to just lie in bed together for a bit (even though his dogs went crazy for like 20 minutes over some other dog that got in the yard). Plus we had lunch with his parents which was fun too cuz they're cool :)

Yeah, so anyway, I got home and then went and saw my grandparents for a bit...that was ok, but then got back home and was incredibly bored. Still, incredibly bored. I kinda feel bad for all you people who read this, it seems like when I'm bored is the second most used reason that I post (#1 is when I'm upset, but not much of that lately :D ) And of course, it's mostly nonsense...what else would you expect from me?

Hmm, so didn't get too much sleep last night, and I'm pretty tired. Think I'll trade the boredom for some unconciousness...yay for sleep =-)

So I was looking at people's profiles, and I came across a few that were; in a few different ways...quite disturbing.

Quote from Jason's profile:

"Dont let anybody make you think, that God chose America as his divine messeanic force to be, a sort of policeman of the whole world, God has a way of standing before the nations with judgement and it seems that I can hear God saying to America your too arrogant, if you dont change your ways I will rise up and break the backbone of your power, and I'll place it in the hands of a nation that doesn't even know my name, bestill and know that I'm God, men will beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks, nations will not rise up against nations, neither shall they study war any more, and I dont know about you I ain't gonna study war no more"

~Martin Luther King Jr.

Adam's Profile:

Think of someone of "average" intelligence. Then think half the world is dumber than that.

~~~~~~~~~~
In light of everything I see, everything I hear, and everything I don't, I think that humanity is definetly, DEFINETLY in for some trouble. Seen the "End of the world" cartoon? Yeah, seems funny, only more true every day. War may be inevitable, but then again, how smart is it to poison the world you live in to rid yourself of something you don't want to deal with? I dunno, I'm not very educated on what's going on outside right now, but it seems the choices being made are downright stupid. No, I don't have alternative solutions, so I guess I'm just as bad as the people making the choices, but it seems so wrong...so wrong.

So it just kind of dawned on me today...that it's been an entire (school) year that I've spent here. It passed so quickly it seems. So many memories, many already forgotten, some that should be, some that will never be. I was also thinking how petty every argument seems after everything that's happened the past few days.

"Every now and then when the world steps in
Stealin' all our time away
It soon takes so much, we forget to touch
That's when I know it's time for me to say...

Take my hand let's walk through love's door
And be free from the world once more
Here's my arms, we can hide today
And love the world away

Once again we'll be where our hearts are free
And the time is ours to share
Love will always stay just a touch away
Come with me all the magic's waiting there

Take my hand let's walk through love's door
And be free from the world once more
Here's my heart, we can hide today
And love the world away"

Yeah, it was random. But it kinda threw itself in.

So I might be getting some "volunteer work" i.e. trade myself for medical branch connections this summer at the Texas Heart Institute. Potentially fuckin' awesome. Even if I'd just be colonizing petri dishes...gotta start somewhere, no? And the Dr. I'd be working under does have like 2 floors of the damn building dedicated to her research. I'd say that makes her pretty fuckin' important. Damn, such awesome potential. *excited* Supposed to meet with her late next week, hope I find out soon after that! :) yaay

*sparkle**sparkle*

So I find it interesting how death randomly decides to present itself. I heard somewhere, or read somewhere or something like that, that suicides always occur in chains - one person does it and then others see this and, sadly enough, it almost becomes like a mini-fad. 3 or 4 people in a row follow in a short period of time. It actually seems like it's true - for most the people I've known who have killed themselves - it's occured in short bursts almost...2 or 3 in a span of a few months then everyone seems okay, then it repeats.

At one point I think I saw why people have the desire to remove themselves from this world...at one point I think I might have agreed with them - that here isn't a place worth living in. And then I changed my mind. It wasn't some "revelation from God" or some near death experience that made me realize how much my life was really worth. It was simply the fact that I was sitting around one day staring at a bottle of pills and wondering just how many I would have to take, when I realized how incredibly fucking retarded I must look. I had no real reason to 'hate everything.' No irreparable damage had been done to or by me. I had no reason to justify my potential action. So I set them down. Literally, I set them down and went to watch TV. The world might not be the best of all possible, it might not be beautiful and wonderful and heart-warming all the time, but the way I see it, you've just got one life...instead of wasting it, why not try to make it the place you want it to be? I think that might be one of the biggest things that has inspired me to be a doctor. I might not be able to change the world as a whole, but I can help other people keep the chance to change it. And that's how I've seen it every day since I set that bottle down: Why give up and leave a bad world bad? Why not stay and try to make it better?
I guess I should remember that those days when I want nothing more than to go to Fiji...guess nobody's perfect, eh?

So....
Finals. Finally over. YAY! No more school until....June 1st. BUT, after that's over (July 7th), then no more school until....July 8th...dammit. BUT then once THAT'S over (August 15th) no more school until...August 23rd. GOD DAMMIT! bah, oh well, I guess that's my choice. It'll be ok, just 1 class at a time, so not too terribly bad :P (insert masochistic comment here) I guess I should just enjoy the break I have while I have it.

Let's see, what else? Unlofted my bed, took home a bunch of my stuff, had my parents bring home a bunch of stuff that wouldn't fit in my car since they were over on Westheimer for some reason today, got all the stuff figured out that my mom has been buggin me about...yeah, I feel like I've actually accomplished stuff today. Unfortunately what I accomplished was that I have to go in person to people to get stuff figured out. That's all I figured out :P hehe BUT, it's all good, cuz...I don't feel inspired to do much of anything else. I need to call my boss at Edenbrook to see if I can still work over the summer, but I kinda don't want to. I'm already working at Splashtown, but that pays a lot less...::shrug:: iono....

Hmm well...that's about it....weeeeeeee

::sigh::

So once again, I have learned {the hard way} that tweaking out about stuff that is no longer in your control is one of the most detrimental things you can do. Not only with regard to everything else I still have to do this week, but also with regard to my health....my sanity....my relationships with other people....everything. Damn, you'd think I'd learn after the first 400 million times I tweak out needlessly that that's what it is: needless. Dammit. Yeah, so things got bad, but they're getting better I guess. Or rather, they're getting not as bad. This was supposed to be a GPA-boosting semester...but unless I pull god-awfully amazing things in cal and human sit it's not looking to be that way. BUT - that's ok, cuz I'm NOT going to tweak out about it. At least not right now. Maybe after Friday. But not now.

Study time...again.

Blah. So now begins the uber 4 days of super studying for the uber finals that - since they are sooo close together - I could never possibly prepare as well as I'd like to for. Man, so Jason is right; the university is run by retarded business people who have no idea how hard other majors are.

So now, I disappear from everywhere and force the lack of attention span to not make me go crazy with studying. So if you think it's been awhile since you've heard from me, check around and/or call me to make sure I'm not crazy or dead. :)

If u saw my profile, you saw this, but I like it so I'll put it here too:

The future is easy, for it never comes...
The present is simple, we live it every day...
The past is hard, for once it is, it is forever...

I also like:

The phrase "why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" has made me think:"Why do at all what you would rather put off until tomorrow?"

So here's the latest list of things that I hate:

1) Cal 3
2) Chem
3) 4 finals in 3 days
4) Being broke
5) Parents that don't understand
6) Wanting something you can't afford (see 4)
7) The pain in your back that comes from bad posture
8) People who overstay their welcome
9) Distractions when you're trying really hard to get something done (yeah, I know, I'M a distraction to people too...)
10) People who are your friend til you step out of the room


BUT, things I love (appreciated more because of the above list):
1) Friends who will talk to you whenever you need it
2) Friends in general
3) Walking around campus at 1 am
4) Watching the sky (ie, the clouds, the stars, the rain...whatever it's all good to me)
5) Running through the rain
6) Late night food runs
7) Inside jokes that people have long forgotten
8) Soda in glass bottles
9) Getting through 4 finals in 3 days (yet to come...we shall see :P)
10) Everyone who told me 'it's ok' or 'it will be ok'. It really will.


I found the source of my unhappiness these last few months. I think it's been fixed. Other than wanting to set my cal book on fire. (But that's different) And, I think in the past 2 or 3 weeks I've learned to control my tic without the stupid meds. Most of the time at least.

I've decided not to let people piss me off as easily. It's stupid and most of the time it's the goal they're going for anyway. So all you people out there trying to piss me off (are there any ? :P) it just got harder. So HA.

I apologize to everyone who has been forced to slog through reading all of my stupid petty bullshit on this. I'd delete it all, but I think it teaches me a lesson.

Heh, so I think it's interesting. Just something else I've noticed (and that has been mentioned to me by others)

Everybody knows that most people read everybodys blog, and there's always uber comments when something is funny, or random, stuff like that. But when someone says something serious, or says "please comment" "comments welcome" etc, nobody says anything. Interesting....*shrug*

Got lots more music in the past coupla days. Yay for music! :-D

Hmm, guess that's all. Fun stuff to happen maybe. *big smile*

So I find it quite interesting how something gets posted and people automatically seem to assume it's about them. I find it especially interesting that this only happens when something negative is posted, never when it is something good do people respond to it with "was that about me" and such. Hmm, perhaps there is a reason for this, but I'm going to be late for class so I'll edit this and finish it later.

Ok, now to finish the post...and only like 6 hours after I started. Like I was saying, sometimes things just aren't about you. They just aren't, and that's that. And sometimes, people need to realize this. AND, sometimes people really need to grow up. Like, "we aren't in high school anymore, so stop acting like a highschool freshmen" grow up. No, this isn't really directed at anyone in particular, before everyone starts asking. It's just a general thing I've noticed. And also, no, I'm not putting myself above all of this. I admit I need to grow up about stuff too. (I'm working on it) So yeah, definetly sick of stupid pettiness. Because all it's there to do is piss people off and apparently some people really thrive off of shit like that.

So on a happier note, I got 1 cal problem done off my review. AND, it only took me about an hour and a half :-/ But that's ok I have until Monday to learn it all and take my test. And my ECE is pretty much done except for that stupid comment that no one understands. So yeah, going pretty well :-D Much happiness from Heather, other than the annoyances stated in these last 2 posts. But whatever, school is about to be out and then I don't have to deal with anyone I don't want to deal with for a whole 2 months. ::shrug:: sometimes distance is the best cure.

Man, so people shouldn't use other people to get their revenge. It's just sad. Especially when feelings are at stake. ESPECIALLY on purpose. Man, such a terrible, terrible thing. Makes me feel bad. (Like I said in earlier posts, I don't like to see people get hurt. I also don't like to see them get used. Especially if they don't know it's happening.)

Find alternate methods to get your stupid, petty revenge. Stop dramafying innocent parties. Jeez.

Ooh, on a better note, I finished almost all of my ECE project in less than 6 hours! And it's not even due until Monday! Just 1 thing left and it's just cuz there was a typo (I think...I mean I hope) Maybe there is a hope for sleep in the next week. *dances*

Yay for no more human sit papers. A few more days and no more human sit ever. EVER. About fuckin time. This philosophy crap makes my head want to explode. "Believe what I say or you're wrong" bah! everybody says that.....how's that philosophy? Sounds like a damn opinion to me. An opinion that people spent way too long staring at "trying to figure out."

I guess that's why I'm not a liberal arts or social science major. Or philosophy. Or anything like that. hahaha.

Yay for sleep.

Craziness. It's all craziness. Conversations that I never thought would be possible again, glances I haven't seen in months, smiles that haven't been there in ages. I guess it's true you can't miss something that's always there.

"I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I'd fly above the trees
Over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please"

I feel like I can....but I think I'll stay right here for now.

Sorry to all the people outside the spectrum that seem to be affected by my decisions. But they're mine, be they right or wrong. And much much more sorry to all of the people inside the spectrum who are affected by them. That I suppose I could have kept from happening.

"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand"

Maybe I'm the one who needs to step back...chill out...not kill myself over stuff...take other people's advice when it's obviously more beneficial than my own...all that stuff. But I know one thing I won't take other people's advice on. Ever.

Feeling a little better today. Unfortunately, registered for summer classes. That's always nice and depressing. "yay i get to spend my whole summer doing what i didn't want to do during the fall or spring semester!" heh, oh well, my fault I guess. Also talked my ECE prof into dropping 2 quiz grades instead of just 1. Or rather taking my quiz average as a grade. Which is good, cuz the higher I can get, the better (obviously) :P

Need to do work so bad, but stupid MATLAB and the stupid random functions that don't really do anything but do something that I'll never need except for on this stupid homework. Bah!

I really need to clean my room. A lot.

So I went home today to pick up some stuff to register, and the baby ducks aren't toooo ugly anymore. They're gonna be bigger than Wiggles I think. (The original duckie) And my cat kills baby rabbits :( Man, I sound like I live in the middle of fuckin nowhere :P hehe in 'da country. Not really. Try like 30 minutes north of campus. In a neighborhood. Even though the guy down the road has a sign that says "goats for sale" Man, craziness. I want a goat. But my mom said no. I think it's because I already have three ducks, a cat, numerous squirrels, birds and rabbits, and a sister, so they don't want anymore pets. hehehe

Heather=bad person. It seems all I can do no matter what I do is hurt people. Even when "its ok" I know it's not. Because it's not right, and somehow I continually put myself into situations where my only options are "hurt this person" or "hurt that one" and when it's all over even if I'm happy I still feel awful. Who am I to say who should be the one hurt and who shouldn't??? I shouldn't. It makes me feel like I should be the one feeling bad and I should be the one who ends up with nothing.

Stupid Heather, stupid bad choices, stupid existence. Why does happiness always seem to be tinged with such unhappiness? Or is that just me, at my most masochistic? ::sigh:: I want me to be happy, but I want everybody else to also. And it seems all I can do is make the "everbody else" quite the opposite of happy - whether it be temporary or not...it's still there, still because of me and stupidness. Much stupidness.

I guess I should stop not writing in sentences and think until I can make sense.

end

Stupid chem test....blah

Yay for KillBill2 for the second time! Catching new funny stuff and screwups (though I'm not sure if they were intentional or not) Yay for Halo even though I shoulda been writing my paper! Yay for not writing my paper! Yay for The Usual Suspects...with the super suprise ending! Too bad you didn't see like 80% of the movie Aaron. Maybe next time we'll watch a movie before 3:30 am...hehehe

Hmm what else...Busy busy times coming up, wait, coming up? I mean already here...7 papers/exams/projects/finals between this Monday and May 7. Super suckiness. But that's ok, somehow I always find some random means (usually no sleep for a few days, but whatever, that's uh...random) by which I pull through. Yay for randomnity! (Yes Kellie, I did just make up a word and use it in a sentence as though it were real) :-D

Blah de dah. Yay for good moods. I put in my application to work at Splashtown again yesterday, even though I swore I wouldn't work there again. ::shrug:: meh, it was fun most of the time. And what beats super awful tan lines!?! Plus my other job is about 30 minutes away and gas is going up really high and so I'll prally just work there 1 or 2 days a week and Splashtown 2 or 3 days a week. Or less....whatever. Stupid summer school. Bah to you! So now it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm not tired...so I'm gonna go to bed. Yes, I'm doing it because it makes sense. You know it does. Hmm, funny website of the day hopefully the funny stuff I see now is the funny stuff you see when you read this. Cuz it changes a lot and stuff.....yeah, whatev. Oh, and yay for leaving off syllables in words. Like I did. woohoo.

Sleepie time! (That's not like peanut butter jelly time)

I fear the C.E.J.

So I have a chem test in...15 hours. And counting. Boo.

So much work to do and so little desire to do anything but chill. Man, I want this semester to be over so bad. *sigh* And I just realized it's gonna take me fuckin forever to move all my shit back home. And iono where I'm gonna put it all. Grr. I need less stuff.
I'm happy til I'm alone...
So Blast! is still fuckin awesome. I still need to find the show though :( I wanna do guard again so much. Definetly not for UH, but I want to do it again. I miss it lots. :'( Maybe I'll play with my rifle over summer v. and get myself back to decentness and try out somewhere. That would be bitchin'. And it would make me happy.

Yay for the celebration of "the passing of Wednesday to Thursday"!

Found some more cool music. Actually, people either sent it to me or I listened to it tonight, but whatever, that's finding too...

So I'm looking for Blast! to download, cuz it's the coolest thing ever. But I can't find it all :( so if anyone finds it randomly (which seems rather unlikely but...ya know...) it would be really cool if you'd let me know. Cuz Blast! is awesome. And I miss guard a lot :(

Yay for Blast! and having to be God reincarnated to be able to get in....if there's even an opening....cuz if not they wouldn't even let God in. But they're still super awesome.

Oh, and I kinda gave up on the Flooble thing, at least for now, cuz it keeps erasing all the stuff in my blog. So I'll try when I'm not so busy. Til then, guess ya gotta stick to the comment thingies. Sorry.

Hmm, so what to say?

The next....well...until school is out is gonna be hell. Project after test after paper after test after....DEATH! Yeah, so I thought I had nice, spread out finals...turns out that they're all 1 day apart. BAM, BAM, BAM. Just like that. 5,6,7. And the human sit shit in there somewhere too. Bah, stupid departmental exam crap. Oh well, I'll be done before all of you guys!!! And I guess once I'm done, I get to laugh at all of you who aren't. Not really, but ya know, gotta find a reason to pull through somewhere, right? :-D

Yep. What else? Hmm....not much really, I think I did play a bit much Halo, cuz when I close my eyes I see the little 'jewguns' and the health meter and some random Halo background shit....haha awesome. Whoever said video games rot your brain was soooo wrong. They don't rot it, they just reprogram it! :) And, according to Miranda's blog video games actually help surgeons. So HAH! Take that Mum and Dad! Go buy me an Xbox so I can be a good doctor! ::score for Heather::

Oh, and check out Brittnee's blog, cuz ninjas rock!

Happy birthday Jason :) I hope you feel better than you did earlier today.

BLAH

That right now, is the most versatile word ever. It describes...well me presently. How I feel, what I feel, what I see, everything. I was talknig to a few people about circumstances under which I would transfer to another school, and it seems the more I talk and think about it, the more it seems I could do it. Depending on how much of my crap transferred, that is. I dunno, maybe like Kellie and Jared said (in Jason's blog) summer is going to be a good time to be...away. Maybe the working and the school and everything will keep me occupied enough that I won't have time to be sad or angry or any of those other negative piano-wire-requiring feelings I seem to be feeling as of late. Maybe I can get back in touch with some old friends, in addition to staying in touch with the new ones. Scenery change I suppose or something like that. A little Fiji in my backyard with my cat and my ducks while I chill in the middle of my pond in my canoe and watch the clouds and/or the stars. I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe some catching up with the family that seems to be missing me too, even if they are unbearable at times.

Maybe my priorities are just out of line. I hate being alone but I think sometimes some of the friendships I look to are the wrong ones. But there are a lot that aren't, and I think I need to appreciate and help those grow more.

I'm really tired of drama. I'm tired of seeing it, I'm tired of being involved in it, I'm tired of causing it. I think perhaps I shouldn't speak for awhile. I should just walk around and watch, silent and unfeeling. That way, there's no way I could cause or have to deal with any more drama. I thought by leaving high school the stupid high school drama would go away. Well, I guess technically it has....it's been replaced by stupid college drama - which seems much worse. I think people need to 1) stop being manipulative, 2) stop being stupid and 3) find better things to do than intentionally cause problems - there are plenty of fucking games out there - go find one.
Wow, actually I think 1, 2, and 3 are pretty much all the same thing. Awesome, go me, way to say the same thing 50 billion (or 3) times.

Oh, and Operation "Turn Over a New Leaf" has begun. Results so far: getting 'interrogated' (or dare I say bitched out, it seems a bit harsh to put it that way) by Jason, who convinced me to try it in the first place. Not results expected, but I guess obviously those will take more than a few days... but that's ok, no hard feelings, at least not on my part.

Oh, and KillBill2 was good. No, that's not true. It was bitchin. Fuckin awesome.

So being sick and having tests sucks. But whatever, I'm not bitchin. Man, I kinda want to get an Xbox, but then I wouldn't get any work done :P I wonder how many ppl I know are gonna start failing classes when Halo2 comes out...

I like Sprite. Mmmm.

So not really much to say. I'm gonna try to "turn over a new leaf," mostly because of my talk with Jason, but it takes 2 to tango, so hopefully...

So tired, but must sleep at night not day. ::stay awake::

Complements of Ian (he hooked me up with the cool song while we were Haloing)

''Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An' I seldom feel, the bright relief
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Fallin' down to you sweet ground
Where the flowers they bloom
It's there I'll be found
Hurry back to me, my wild calling
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Though these wounds have seen no wars
Except for the scars I have ignored
And this endless crutch, well it's never enough
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Hell says hello, well it's time to I should go
To pastures green, that I've yet to see
Hurry back to me, my wild calling
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday''

-~-Flogging Molly-~-

So yesterday (well the day before now) was actually pretty nice. Blissful even perhaps. And then I guess something just happened. Today (now yesterday i spose) sucked. Sara's thing was fun, but otherwise.....shitty. And just now....definetly shitty. I feel misjudged, misunderstood. See, this is what happens when it doesn't rain.

''Cause I'm here, ready to take it all here
Everything's feeling unclear
I wish it was raining
Cause I hate every beautiful day''....again

Even Foamy isn't cheering me up. Maybe that plane ticket to Fiji is still cheap.
Fuckin hell. Goddamn motherfucking hell.

Oh, and I want wings too Blake.

****POST EDIT****(cuz i can't spell people's names right)

Sorry I spelled your name wrong the 1st time Brittnee and the second.....it's fixed, right? :-D

So MATLAB....SUCKS. A lot.

No time. Must write stupid MATLAB script. Death to it all.

end

Haha, that makes my day. Thank you for trying to condescendingly look down upon me, it can only make me feel better. And I thought my Easter was eventful enough as it was. Oh man! YES! AWESOME! Hmm, so candy + soda + other sugary stuff = wired Heather. Man, I need to sleep. Hehehe. So worth it though.

Ba-dee-dum-dee da! <-- coolest h-y-p-h-e-n-a-t-e-d word ever. Well, almost ever, maybe.

So I was gonna post Incubus lyrics here, but it seems Jason has already posted them, and I dun want to copy, so here's my back up lyrics. (Yes, I have BACK-UP lyrics! Just for times like these. See, EVERYONE NEEDS BACKUP LYRICS SOMETIME!)

"Don't let it get you down
The moon and the stars goes crashing round
Don't let it get you down"
-~-Echo & The Bunnymen-~-

Taken well out of context, but it fits my purpose here.

Oh, and Chris K has a new blogger site (see right-side panel) or click here.

Rainy days make me happy. I could sit and watch the rain cry down the windowpanes for hours. The amazing power of lightning, the ground shaking rumble of thunder, all somehow bring joy to my day. I guess it's one of the few god related things I hold on to and seem to believe in.

"There's holes in the floor of heaven,
And her tears are pouring down.
That's how you know she's watching,
Wishing she could be here now.
Sometimes if you're lonely,
Just remember she can see.
There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's
Watching over you and me."

I used to go with my grandparents a lot to their near-the-lake-house. Small town, so no big city lights to block out the stars. Pretty much the only thing I remember doing there at night was laying on the ground counting the stars. There were so many then...it seems like they've all faded away. Maybe that's just because I haven't seen all of them in all their glory in over 3 years.

I think I was talking to Amanda a few days ago about the rain, and how it didn't even matter if it was cold rain, that it was still good to be in. And to dance in. I want to dance in the rain again.

It seems at the peak of my understanding, I realize I understand less than I did when I knew nothing. I guess ignorance is bliss, and people (or at least me) are constantly moving through different levels of ignorance - realizing one and moving into another.

It's raining again...

Haha I found the benefit to having a bazillion-and-one screenames that most people don't know...It's really funny when someone blocks you on AIM. I'm not going to talk to someone who would block me anyway, so what's the point? I can still see, um, everyone on at least 2 of my accts, so if I REALLLLLLY needed to talk to anyone I'd just log there. Duh.

I started adding people's blogs/LJs to the side bar. Don't be mad if urs isn't there yet. I'm tired of typing :P I'll finish soon, promise.

So ever get the feeling that when people say "I'm sorry" it doesn't really mean anything anymore? "I'm sorry" is a phrase thrown around so much these days that it seems like it's meaning has been lost. Kind of like "I love you". I know when I say those two phrases, that at least 95% of the time I mean them. I don't tell people I love them if I don't. And I don't apologize (yeah, there's a few exceptions there) unless I mean it.

Kinda makes me wish I could be like all these fake ass people I see sometimes. You know, the ones who apologize and are "your friend" only to talk shit about you 30 seconds later? The ones who "love you" til you fuck them and then they walk away? People like that either are fuckin smart as hell and don't give a damn or live a really big lie it seems. Man, to live in a world where you're always right, you're perfect, and anyone who crosses this judgment is a terrible person. Wow. I guess thats one of those all-or-nothing worlds.

Anyway, so boredom sucks. I've found so many random websites in the last 6 or 7 hours it's not even funny anymore. Man, there is some creepy shit on the internet. And spades. Spades is fun.

Ok, time for sleep methinks. Or rather, mehopes.

I'm bored. It's 3:30 am and apparently I can't sleep. I guess being up til 5 or later all week has fucked with my mind. Spades can only entertain me for so long, and it sucks because I know I have to be up at like 7:50 tomorr...today.

Blah.

Incubus is cool.

I feel kinda bad, my friend invited me to Buzzfest, but this definetly has to be the worst Buzzfest lineup ever. I mean, I like Puddle of Mudd and all, but you'd think they could get someone better to headline. Plus I don't have the money to pay for the tics. Damn, this broke college student shit sucks. I bought food in quarters and dimes today. And now I'm out of quarters and dimes :/ The worst part: I have like $3,000 that I could spend. But I feel so bad pulling like $50 a week out of my acct and not putting anything back in atm. Damn, maybe I should work a weekend or two... but that would require me to work :( *so lazy*

Hmm, what else? I think I might get an Xbox...like over the summer. Heh, just for Halo prally. That's kinda sad :P I wonder how many people are gonna fail once Halo2 comes out. Man, that's gonna suck for them.

So the level of annoyinginity (man, that's the COOLEST word ever) seems to have gone down around me recently. Except Jason, but he's a retard, so that's ok :) hehe, just jokin.

Frisbee was fun tonight. Not a LOT of people, but enough to make a challenge. I wish Kellie would come back to frisbee :(

I might go 'clubbin' with some friends this weekend, provided I don't have to go out of town Friday. Man, I can't really picture me doing something like that...it seems weird. *freakiness* Oh well, one more reason to try to look cute. Maybe one time it'll actually work! :D

So, this was entertaining for a while, passed some time before I'll go to sleep, then I ran out of stuff to talk about. I need a hobby. Like, uh...somethin. Something interesting and inexpensive. Yep.

End

Today I'm okay, I beat the game. Feeling good, there were smiles - it's almost starting to feel natural again.
Happiness doesn't always come the way you want.
What does tomorrow hold? Will it be full of sorrows or might I begin a streak of joy once more?

-----------

So I was thinking. That's normally not a good thing :/
Anyway, so I was thinking about what I've been reading, what I;ve been talking to people about, what I've been taught, all of that. So I began to wonder....and don't be offended, because it's all just a train of thought that ultimately leads to "I don' know"

Is God a:
Supreme benevolent being
or a
Sadistic contradictory hypocrite?

Is Man an:
Intelligent capable creature
or a
Destructive plaguing virus?


In the 'best possible world' the first two situations are true, unfortunately, the world we live in could be much improved upon.
So where do we fall? And where does God fall? Why have a god who creates human life with the apparent knowledge of its evil and then abandons his own Frankensteinian creation when it seems to be beyond the point of being returned to its 'good' state?
Can there be a middle ground? Like a mediocre God? Isn't that a contradiction in itself?

I could continue, but I'm kinda tired. And it seems odd to ask myself a bunch more rhetorical questions that other people can see and comment on. So I'll just stick to my little blue notebook of thought. Maybe one day someone will be able to answer my questions put into it. Even just one. That would be cool. So many questions, so few answers.

::deep breath:: ::crack knuckles:: ::exhale::

So Fiji, I'm not sure people understand it. Or my meaning behind it. Yeah, it's a place... a chain of over 200 islands to the NE of Australia to be exact. But that's not the important part. When I say "I want to go to Fiji" it doesn't really matter where. It could be the moon for all I care. It isn't here. Sometimes 'here' is just the exact place I don't want to be. Unfortunately I'm not much for out of body experiences, so no matter where I am, I'm 'here'. So yes, going to Fiji would be great, the ideal getaway place, my #1 choice. But then again, the moon isn't looking so bad either. Other than the whole lack of air thing. BUT, there's plenty of cheese!

Anyway, so better mood today, which is good. And Matlab...sucks. A lot. That's why I'm avoiding it. heh heh heh.

Realized some stuff I need to do, some stuff I don't. Hopefully my will is stronger than my want. I think some things are pushing me the wrong way, unless the wrong way is really the right way. But that's one of those things I won't know til it's too late it seems.

So lately I've been able to express my life in song lyrics. In the past bit, I think it's been a mix of the following:
"You could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
"I hate everything about you, why do I love you"
"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear, and I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer"
"So pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games"
"Have you ever walked through a room, but it was more like the room passed around you. Like there was a leash around your neck that pulled you through...Have you ever been at someplace, recognizing everybody's face, until you realized that there was no one there you knew"

I guess that's not uber deep and reflective, but I guess that's all the stuff going on in my mind. I'll post more "life felt lyrics" if/when I think of them.

Oh, and I want to apologize to all of the people who have had to put up with my bitching. Sorry guys, but thanks for doing it anyway. You're good friends. :)

My purpose: MIA

Remind me why I'm still here. Because I'm not sure.

Damn, I should be fucking ecstatic. I got a goddamn 91 on my cal3 test. Somehow that happiness faded into, well, into the re-realization of the evils of humanity - i.e. that people are just plain fuckin' bad. Whenever I think of this, I am reminded of a movie line from the Matrix (yeah the original...you know, the good one?)

Smith to Morpheus: The human race is a virus, a plague...

I don't remember the rest of the line, but that always sticks out. As true. I really can't think of many examples to the contrary.

It also reminds me of how I explain my like/dislike of people. I guess I used trust people until given a reason not to. Now, though, with some people at least, I don't trust them until given a reason why I should. Maybe I open up (at least my outer layers) to people too easily. Let them almost see my real feelings, which are kept hidden away in the notebook I just finally brought back to campus. I dunno.

I think maybe I'm beginning to think that maybe it doesn't matter too much what you do while you're alive here. With very, very rare exception, nobody is remembered for anything, and the life span of a human is so miniscule compared with everything else...why bother trying to make a difference? Why is it seen as so damn wrong by many to just go along and try to do what makes you happy? I'm happy a lot. I'm happy when I'm eating ice cream, when I watch the sun set over a cloudless sky, when I lie on the roof of my car at night and watch the stars, danicng in the rain. Lots of stuff.

And then I guess I wake up and realize that dreams and wishes aren't happiness. And that even though I might not be by myself, I'm alone. Maybe that's where the trouble lies. My fear of being alone. That one day all will tire of me and leave. And I'll be left to face this hell called life without so much as a hand to hold out a tissue.

Have you ever wondered what people would do if you just disappeared? (I think Jared was talking about this) I mean, how many people do you think would actually go looking for you? Hell, I barely get looked for if I'm not online...what if I wasn't even in the same country....or continent? Fiji looks more and more appealing all the time.

The movie tonight was pretty good. I think Kreuger and Jason should cover their bathroom floor in cotton balls. Someone in my room is snoring really loud and might get something thrown at them. I greatly dislike many things that happen, but don't have the idea of the means to change them, though I wish I could. If you really loved (or really hated) me, you'd buy me a one-way ticket to Fiji. Any one of the islands will do.

Wow, so it's 3:30 am and I just finished my ECE project. That kinda sucks. It was really stupid too, totally pointless. Heh, if I ever need programming done, I'll just pay someone to do it for me :P That's what all the real ECE majors are for :)

Hmm, so not too much going on. I found a one way ticket to Fiji for under $1200. I could leave May 6th and never come back.
Man, Fiji, what a great place.

So, I think that maybe the summer will make things better. Perhaps a change of pace is all I need. Granted, I'll still be doing a fuckload of stuff, maybe the difference in people will make things more manageable. I think that's sometimes all that is necessary is a 'scenery change'...kind of one of those "how can I miss you if you don't go away" kind of things. So hopefully I can ride it out until then. And after that, we'll see. I'm still kind of keeping the transferring thing in the back of my head, though I'm not entirely sure where to that would be, and Fiji is ALWAYS (or never, whichever way it's been explained to you by me) an option. So I guess as long as my options are open I'll stay slightly sane enough to be kept out of the asylum.

Yeah, so that's all that's going on. I hate Matlab. I love Fiji. Sounds like an easy choice, doesn't it? Man, I wish I could make it.

Oh and frisbee was pretty fun tonight. You should've been there Kellie :(
Maybe I'll bring a frisbee to Fiji. That might be cool.

Have you ever thought about what it would actually take to hate the world? I mean, really, from my (very very limited) experience, actually hating someone is really really hard to do. It takes a lot of time, energy and, well....bitchiness. (I guess that's an OK word to use) And even then, there are those moments where you're like "man, is this really worth it?"

But to truly hate the world. That's actually almost an impressive feat, other than the sheer terror the term brings with it. Think of someone who seems to have no reason to live, no ties to anyone, nothing. Now think about what that person would be capable of. Remove guilt, remove care for others (at least I don't think you can care about someone you hate), add motive to commit any type of crime to anyone. It seems you would be left with a killing machine.

Wow, so I hope I don't know anyone who hates the world. Because I guess by that point the only thing keeping them from removing themselves or other people from it is fear. And that thought definetly instills some fear in me.

So also as I was thinking about this, I was thinking about how much people seem to fear death. This phrase seems odd to me. Is it really death that people fear? Why fear something inevitable? So, is it death, or what comes after that creates this fear? Or rather, the lack of certainty about what comes after? I think that's what I fear. I don't think I can say I'm afraid of dying. But I do think I can say I'm afraid of what comes after that, if anything. I've heard about all the great things that could happen, if you do this or that. But I've also read Dante, and I've heard about all the terrible tortures as well. Sometimes it makes me think that maybe just death (you know, like you die, you're buried, cremated, whatever suits your fancy, and thats it) would be less of a risk than the chance of being boiled in oil for the rest of eternity. I guess that's one of the biggest uncertainties in life; "what's going to happen when this is all through?" And I guess it's a chance we'll all have to take. Dust, torture or paradise...if you don't know, maybe you weren't meant to.

"As I look around, the things I see,
Faces looking back at me.
I see them all but know not one,
I realize my time is done."

I don't know where I got that from, (maybe myself? *shrug*, not sure) but it seems to fit.

So things just keep confusing me. People say one thing, act something different, but then do something random that backs up what they said in the first place.

Like I've been told, I guess I need to find myself and figure that out before I worry about what's going on elsewhere. Oh, but where to begin. It's like having to untie a knot made of a million microscopic threads without damaging any...with just a 20 pound sledgehammer to help you.

A few random quote-y/proverb-y things I picked up:
-The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
-It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
-Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
-There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
-Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
-Language was developed because of our deep inner need to complain.

To wake up next to you; still sleeping, with no idea of my cognizance.
Eyes resting closed, soft lips undulate with each breath.
The way I feel in your arms, sleeping; our bodies embraced.
Smelling your hair and feeling your fingers on my shoulder.
I'm awake, I'm alone and I'm wishing you were here with me.
The only dreams we can remember, are those from which we are awaken.
And I go back to sleep and forget.
So I can wake up alone once again.
Remember the days that never were.
Then think of the days that are never to be.

I dunno what I hate more: being lied to or continually letting myself believe it. Sorry if the random "fuck you" away message offended anyone.

Yeah.

I've found the greatest quote for the next, uh, 5 seconds.

"Come on God, do I seem bulletproof?"

Actually it's song lyrics (again, yeah) but whatever. It's still cool. And the greatest for another 2 seconds.....1.......damn.

So I guess I've followed everyone's trend of putting song lyrics up here. Oh well, deal with it.

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave hime everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up to her
Give a little, then take it back

She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

"Broken Wing"

Christina says my music is too sad. I say it leaves room for my happiness.

So I think I'd rather be the guy from Butterfly Effect and change my past rather than erasing it like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I think I'd want to keep my memories, and the knowledge that I had changed them.
But it was still a good movie. I liked it a lot.

That's all.

So I went to the rodeo tonight and one of the guys that performed has some lyrics I found fitting: (I changed the "she"s to "he"s)

That ole picture frame keeps hangin round
I ain't ready yet to take it down
Every now and then I'll slam the door
Shake it loose and he'll hit the floor
But I can't throw a good thing away
I wish it would break

And I swear my trucks got a haunted radio
Cause I hear you in every song
But I know what the silence makes me do
So I give those buttons more abuse
I wonder how much punchin it can take
I wish it would break

There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break

This ole hearts got a mind of it's own
It's decided not to let you go
And even though your love's no longer here
It won't let me shed one tear
Cause it's still holdin on to yesterday
I wish it would break

There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break

I wish it would break
Yeah, I wish it would break
Go on and break
-Dierks Bentley, "I Wish it Would Break"

I like them, except I don't want anyone out of my life. I just want to move beyond where I am now.

Found this on a random website. I can't decide how I feel about it: it seems like the easy way out of anything, but I think it could be useful and beneficial to many people.

Erasing bad memories?

Anna Salleh
ABC Science Online
Monday, 25 August 2003

The day when long-term traumatic memories can be selectively wiped out is one step closer, claim Israeli scientists.

Mark Eisenberg and colleagues from the Weizmann Institute of Science in Rehovot report in the current issue of the journal Science that they have worked out a new rule governing the workings of the brain and the erasing of memories.

They say the research - in rats and fish - may pave the way for the development of drugs that wipe specific memories without affecting other memories.

Every memory undergoes a 'ripening' process called 'consolidation' immediately after it is formed. It was previously thought that the only opportunity for erasing a memory - by using memory-erasing drugs for example - was during a small window of time about an hour or two after the memory is acquired, and before it is consolidated.

More recently, evidence has emerged which suggests that the memory-erasing 'window' opens up each time a memory is recalled. However the evidence has been inconsistent - with some old memories found to be erasable, but others not. The research team report they have devised a rule for establishing which memories can be erased and which can't.

Memories come in packages. For example; certain foods bring up memories of taste, a person can be remembered in pleasant or unpleasant contexts, and so on. When we next taste the food or see the person, all of the associated memories are called up in the blink of an eye, but in the end only one of them dictates how we will react. This 'dominant' memory will decide if we eat the food or reject it, and whether we smile at the person or ignore them.

Eisenberg and team found that it is the 'dominant' memories that are able to be erased. They exposed rats to flavours, and fish to flashes of light - associated with both good and bad memories. In both species it was possible to show that the dominant memory was the one that could be erased by giving the appropriate drug within a few minutes of the memory's recall.

The discovery is likely to assist in the future development of methods to wipe out unwanted memories, and thus of treating some kinds of psychological trauma, the researchers claim. Such studies on humans, however, are yet to be conducted.

Commenting on the research, Australian memory researcher Dr Nikki Rickard of Monash University in Melbourne said she was not surprised that the dominant memories were the ones open to being modified. However she was dubious about the development of memory-erasing treatments. Given the fact that memories are recalled in batches, she thought it was unlikely to develop drugs that would be able to selectively erase bad memories.

"You can't ask animals [that have been] given memory erasing drugs whether they have lost other memories that they don't want to lose," she said, adding that there may be ethical problems in testing such drugs on humans.

I think there is a definite misuse potential. But then again, extra medication for all, right?

Ever been walking around and your feet just randomly go numb? Kind of a weird feeling.

So I've been thinking, maybe I try too hard. Maybe I should just stop fighting and let the current take me where it will.
"Is the problem with the world ignorance or apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care"

Thought that was fitting. Maybe I'll try it. We'll see.

Got this from Chris' blog. Today was slightly better than yesterday I guess.

Afterlife as an Angel by childdoll
Your Name
Astrological Sign
Angel Type	Archangel
Wing Color	Black with silver tips
Heavenly Weapon	Two short swords
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

I thought it was odd after I saw the results. My artist friend from HS drew a picture of me with wings senior year. They were sheer and fell to the floor. Beautiful picture, I wish I would have asked her to let me keep it. Just thought it was kinda ironic.

I got song lyrics from Jared off Chris' blog, but I won't post them. If you want to see them, find them on Chris' blog. I think they fit how I feel pretty well. Sorry.

So I almost dropped all of my classes today. Every single one. I've never felt like such a failure in my life. Or maybe I've just never failed like this before. In a "contest" where every single point matters, mediocrity is rewarded with pretty much what it deserves: nothing. Sadly, I've actually considered NOT going to med school after this, mainly because I don't know if I could hack it. It's really depressing when something you've dreamed of doing for as long as you can remember now seems so far out of reach.

I told my parents I was failing at life today. I told myself that too. A lot. I don't get why I see that I am failing miserably at everything that I am trying so hard to succeed in, yet somehow I can't fucking fix it. Or me.

I think they (my parents) are worried. I know they're doing all they can to help me, but I'm a "big girl" now and this is really something I have to do on my own. Maybe that's why you aren't supposed to start college til the same time everyone else does. Maybe that year of bump-aheadness wasn't as beneficial as I've always seen it. Those "important grade school years of development" yeah, maybe I shouldn't have missed one of those. Or maybe I'm just dumb. Way too fucking dumb to be an engineer. Or a doctor. Or anything I aspire to. Perhaps I should just quit while I'm ahea...while I'm not too far behind.

Or maybe I should just quit bitching. Whatever.

So everyone is at banquet and I'm chilling here in my room. Alone. Once again. Actually, it's kinda nice. I went to MC mall to get my necklace fixed (it's gonna take fuckin like 5 days...) and so I figured since no one would be HERE I'd stay THERE and walk around. So of course I bought stuff. :D Yay for stuff. Without stuff, there'd be nothing for me to buy...yep, that was circular. heh heh heh and you're still reading. I see Heather winning here... bwa ha ha

Anyway, so also yay for drugs. Especially detwitchifying ones. And uh, blah. Just cuz I can. I'm in an unreasonably good mood. *shrug* no complaints :P Yep so now I'm just waiting for all of you people to get done listening to people talk aka get out of banquet-y stuff. I kinda wanted to go :/ but apparently I was too late or not good enough or whatever asinine reason they came up with...whatever, I had more fun than you I bet, and if not, well, I had fun. SO HAH.

*shrug* I think I'm done.....hmmmmm.....yeah, that's it. Yep. Mmm hmm. Oh, yeah, uh, uhm, errrr, yeah.

Ever get the feeling someone you care a lot about could walk out of your life forever, never caring, never looking back? :( Let's hope not.

Yeah so the quiz thing (see below) is indeed, eerily accurate.

ECE test went decently, maybe even well, despite all the freaking out I did. Hoping for the best. And partial credit. Gotta love partial credit.

Yay for new Foamy episodes.

Yep, I think that about sums up my life. Other than I'm broken still. Yep, that's about it. Time to go get my necklace fixed.

Got the new thespark.com quiz thing off Miranda's blog...decided to take it.

Result:
The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)


Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.


BEWARE: The Hornivore

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

Hmm...interesting.

*crack* ::small glass shards fall to the floor::

The false hope cracked. It'll break soon. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or the next day or something. Til then, the glass keeps falling to the floor bit by bit until it's all gone. I need some super glue.

Oh well, on a, uh, brighter note...only 3 days til the weekend. And only 16 days til spring break.

Oh, and go see the cool art I found. Well, I think it's cool at least. *shrug* whatever

http://www.wwwcomcom.com/home.html

Nothing like adding to the fear of a situation like waking up with a sinking feeling and knowing exactly why. Let's hope it's not a trend. Here's to false hope that will soon be broken. ::clinks glass::

Also: Coheed and Cambria just a maybe now...

And, since it's been in some of the last few, I think I should continue the trend: damn damn damn damn damn fuck.

Time to go be told just how fucked up I am - or worse, that they aren't sure.

Yay for bitchy random stupid posts that could mean anything. Try to figure that out, eh? ::shady voice:: Just when you think you know, you read this line and you're like "Hmm, I wonder if I REALLY know or if I'm a retard."

So going to see Coheed and Cambria is gonna be cool. AFI is all right, kinda generic, but whatever. Jason introduced me to Dream Theatre recently...they're really awesome. I like them even more than Mars Volta I think.

So I'm not a liar, nor do I have a reason to be. Just in case anyone needs clarification. *don't take offense to that statement, it isn't meant offensively* Just thought I'd let everyone know.

So frisbee is being tainted, that makes me slightly unhappy, because it's something really fun that was introduced to me and is now being fucked up by unnecessary rules. All I have to say is "If I wanted to be on a club team and play by all the club team rules, I'd go join a club team. Do I look like I'm joining a club team? I didn't think so." Thursday night frisbee is all about the 'fun' aspect. Watching people jump into bushes and pants one another: that's what it's all about. Not calling every rule and having boundaries and strategies and stuff like that. Just about good, enjoyable, stress free fun. I guess some people just don't get it. :/ Perhaps it's just me, except I'm not the only one who has said this kinda stuff, so perhaps not...

Just something else to think about.

Interesting question posed to me today:

Would you rather have everything except love, or nothing but love?

Opinions welcome.

So I've begun to understand myself a little I think. I don't get why I do all of the things I do, but I understand some things. Some of the more important ones perhaps. And I think I found the source of my twitch/tic, though I think even if that is how it started, other things have caused it to grow worse. But I guess to understand the end you have to start at the beginning, right? I found the beginning, now just to figure out where to go from there....what fun what fun.
If you knew the cause of something, would you change what you're doing to try to fix it even if it would make you unhappy to do so? What's worse, fixing something and screwing something else up, or not fixing the original problem? Damn damn damn damn damn fuck.

So Christina sent me something to make me feel better. Perhaps I should change my outlook on things...

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

I think maybe I need a new angle. You know, something other than zero.

So I've always felt at least "quasi" normal. But more and more recently I think I've realized just how fucked up I am. I mean, sure, 'normal' is something I've always kinda tried to go against, but it seems now that I'm "not normal" that's all I want to be. I mean for godsakes, I fucking box my ear like twice a week twitching. Apparently I even twitch in my sleep, which really kind of upset me because that means it's something more than at a conscious level. So I'm finally doing something about it... I'm breaking down and going to the doctor. I'm tired of people making fun of me, I'm tired of the snickering, I'm tired of being a fucking freak. There are reasons that I'm not going to talk about here as to why I have been avoiding this appointment, but I can't deal anymore. The toll is more than just a physical "Ow, twitching this much makes my muscles hurt" or "Damn I'm tired of having to watch how much sugar and caffiene I have." It has turned to "I'm really tired of people getting their kicks from me feeling like I'm defective. I'm really sick of being laughed at and stared at not only by people I don't know, but those I DO KNOW." Man, that's definetly a confidence booster. Apparently everybody is a little weird, some weirdnesses are just 'more apparent' than others. I guess mine is just too apparent to go without great jest.

Perhaps a lobotomy of my entire brain is in order. They could stick it in a jar and then I wouldn't care who made fun of me. Til then, I think I've started to.

Comments on the prior blog still welcome....I feel slightly enlightened, but the more the merrier.

So I'm really tired of people changing their minds every 45 seconds. I think indecisiveness pains me more than anything else. Maybe one day I'll understand and then I can be indecisive and/or change my mind every 45 seconds too. Until then, I suppose I'll just have to wonder in amazement.

Love is an interesting game. At times it seems it couldn't get any better, but then it seems to kick you flat on your ass and tell you to fuck off. How long does it take someone to fall out of love? Is it an instantaneous thing, or does it take time and distance? If someone is truly in love, can they fall out, or does the feeling just get pushed to the side, perhaps just as they did?

Perhaps enlightening opinions will be found in the comments.

So I'm kinda hungry, this'll have to be quick...mmm food sound good.

The b-day party was great, I'm really glad I have friends who care. I really appreciate that everybody came :O) YAY 4 tipsy Halo!

So, I've been feeling kinda down off and on lately, but I think I, uh...slept it off... I feel a bit better today.

Food time. Time for food. And to bring Christina her keys.

So apparently I've done way too much complaining and being upset lately. Excuse me for uhm, what was that? Oh yeah, caring. Caring about someone, caring about myself, caring about feelings...caring about, uh, 'stuff in general'. Apparently that's not the smart thing to do, and I need to stop. Therefore it must be that I need to be one of those totally self centered people that what? Oh, gets talked shit about all the time for not caring. Hmm, this looks like a winning situation to me...

So, I suppose that I'm also wrong for trusting people until I have a reason not to. Apparently I do that backwards too, and I shouldn't trust anyone until I have a reason to. Hm, but if I do that, I'm apparently a 'cold person' or something like that. Man, pleasing people just doesn't work, does it? Maybe that's the problem is I'm not a hypocrite who changes who they are to make everyone think they like me. Hmm, oh well, I guess if you don't like me it's more your problem than it is mine...

So, I guess talking is good. No, I take that back. There is no guessing about it. I understand what has happened and I agree, for the first time in my life, that it needs to be changed. I can't continue to live by basing my happiness on the happiness of others. I guess 'anonymous' was right and I just didn't want to admit it. Neither did Jason. So, although I'm sure it will be a hard and painful experience, I am going to follow through on this, because, as was told to me, and I agree, it is mutually beneficial.

I guess that's that, eh? Oh, and Kellie, I know you told me so, so I guess you can say it...but just a few times.

Oh, and trying to draw in 3-d on a sheet of paper...damn near impossible. At least for me. I guess I don't have the artistic capabilities...or something like that.

So, it's the second day of school and I am already officially unhappy. Man, that didn't take long. I suppose it's my fault, at least partially, but still, it's only day two and already I feel as if I am spiraling downward. But I suppose what has to happen really does have to happen, for without the sour one can never appreciate the taste of the sweet. Only I have tasted the sour and appreciate the sweet, so how much longer must I pucker before I can feel sweet bliss once more?

Anyway, so having 1 class on Tuesday is pretty nice, unfortunately having like 50 billion (or 7) Mondays and Wednesdays...not so cool. Oh well, you win some you lose some. I guess I just do a lot of losing.

So I got back from NY today. It was fun, even if Jason says it wasn't. Snow isn't as cool to snowbirds as it is to me obviously. So I *kinda* learned to snowboard, which means I learned how to go down a little hill without falling TOO much.....but it was fun :D and so was sledding. And so was the snow in general. I wish I would have taken more pictures though... :/ oh well. So moving back in tomorrow...or today whatever...the 18th, yah. That's gonna be a pain in the ass. Kinda makes me wish I had some slav...errr people who would do work for me for free. Yah, so I met some of Jason's friends from NY, hehehe they're cool, now I see why he's so wacky though :P

So I went to wish my friend who is going into the navy this Tuesday goodbye. I think he is kinda ready to get the whole thing over with...or so he says, since he's been waiting since like May...yah, 5 years is a long time. LONG. TIME. But hopefully it will be worth it to him :) hmmm what else....not much of anything, just weeeeeeee fun-ness, but about to be over due to massive hours of work-ness...blah.

So the stupidity of some people amazes me. When they have to announce in an airport that the baggage claim is NOT FOR RIDING ON, there is a problem in society...

So let's see, so far my break has been pretty, err, breakless. I've been working 8 hours a day 6 days a week, but thats cool cuz I don't mind my job so much, and haven't really had any celebreations b/c I worked on all of the holidays...but I made the $ so it's all good. I got shot in the face with an artillery shell on New Year's Eve...totally not my fault. Let's see, what else...hmm...drank with my mom and her friends at the party she had, a few of my friends came :) been packing a bit for a few days...my sister erased my 40+ hours worth of Legaia (I wasn't so much the happy *scowl*) uhm, I worked some more, got a paycheck and pretty much gave it to my mom to pay her back for my plane ticket, hmmm, I guess things have been quite uneventful other than my "story of the day" nearly everyday from work. Weee, uneventful, I guess that's better than full of awful yet eventful things, eh?

So in 1 day and 10 hours I will be on a plane to NY...man, I can't wait. It's gonna be so fun :) and even if it's not it will be. So HAH! Hrm, I think I'm going to watch a movie...

So it's just over 4 days until I'm on my way to New York. Man, I'm so excited! Like excited to where I want to start packing now, hoping that will make it come faster...I know it won't, but still...so 2 more days of work then I won't be wiping asses and giving showers for awhile. And when I say awhile, I think that means like probably 3 or 4 weeks. Or something like that...

Anyway, so other than excitedness...

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean last night, it was pretty good! :) Johnny Depp always seems to be good at playing the weird ass roles in movies (*cough* Edward Scissorhands?) So I thought it was a pretty good movie.

Let's see, what else...uhm, I have a "story of the day" from pretty much every day I've worked over the break, old people are so quirky and weird :P especially dementia residents...man...but I think it's rewarding in its own way. Most people wouldn't see it I guess, but it makes me feel good. *shrug*

I hope everyone I haven't talked to is having a good break.