Have you ever thought about what it would actually take to hate the world? I mean, really, from my (very very limited) experience, actually hating someone is really really hard to do. It takes a lot of time, energy and, well....bitchiness. (I guess that's an OK word to use) And even then, there are those moments where you're like "man, is this really worth it?"
But to truly hate the world. That's actually almost an impressive feat, other than the sheer terror the term brings with it. Think of someone who seems to have no reason to live, no ties to anyone, nothing. Now think about what that person would be capable of. Remove guilt, remove care for others (at least I don't think you can care about someone you hate), add motive to commit any type of crime to anyone. It seems you would be left with a killing machine.
Wow, so I hope I don't know anyone who hates the world. Because I guess by that point the only thing keeping them from removing themselves or other people from it is fear. And that thought definetly instills some fear in me.
So also as I was thinking about this, I was thinking about how much people seem to fear death. This phrase seems odd to me. Is it really death that people fear? Why fear something inevitable? So, is it death, or what comes after that creates this fear? Or rather, the lack of certainty about what comes after? I think that's what I fear. I don't think I can say I'm afraid of dying. But I do think I can say I'm afraid of what comes after that, if anything. I've heard about all the great things that could happen, if you do this or that. But I've also read Dante, and I've heard about all the terrible tortures as well. Sometimes it makes me think that maybe just death (you know, like you die, you're buried, cremated, whatever suits your fancy, and thats it) would be less of a risk than the chance of being boiled in oil for the rest of eternity. I guess that's one of the biggest uncertainties in life; "what's going to happen when this is all through?" And I guess it's a chance we'll all have to take. Dust, torture or paradise...if you don't know, maybe you weren't meant to.
"As I look around, the things I see,
Faces looking back at me.
I see them all but know not one,
I realize my time is done."
I don't know where I got that from, (maybe myself? *shrug*, not sure) but it seems to fit.
3.31.2004
3.27.2004
So things just keep confusing me. People say one thing, act something different, but then do something random that backs up what they said in the first place.
Like I've been told, I guess I need to find myself and figure that out before I worry about what's going on elsewhere. Oh, but where to begin. It's like having to untie a knot made of a million microscopic threads without damaging any...with just a 20 pound sledgehammer to help you.
A few random quote-y/proverb-y things I picked up:
-The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
-It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
-Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
-There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
-Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
-Language was developed because of our deep inner need to complain.
Like I've been told, I guess I need to find myself and figure that out before I worry about what's going on elsewhere. Oh, but where to begin. It's like having to untie a knot made of a million microscopic threads without damaging any...with just a 20 pound sledgehammer to help you.
A few random quote-y/proverb-y things I picked up:
-The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
-It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
-Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
-There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
-Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
-Language was developed because of our deep inner need to complain.
3.26.2004
To wake up next to you; still sleeping, with no idea of my cognizance.
Eyes resting closed, soft lips undulate with each breath.
The way I feel in your arms, sleeping; our bodies embraced.
Smelling your hair and feeling your fingers on my shoulder.
I'm awake, I'm alone and I'm wishing you were here with me.
The only dreams we can remember, are those from which we are awaken.
And I go back to sleep and forget.
So I can wake up alone once again.
Remember the days that never were.
Then think of the days that are never to be.
Eyes resting closed, soft lips undulate with each breath.
The way I feel in your arms, sleeping; our bodies embraced.
Smelling your hair and feeling your fingers on my shoulder.
I'm awake, I'm alone and I'm wishing you were here with me.
The only dreams we can remember, are those from which we are awaken.
And I go back to sleep and forget.
So I can wake up alone once again.
Remember the days that never were.
Then think of the days that are never to be.
3.25.2004
3.24.2004
3.23.2004
So I guess I've followed everyone's trend of putting song lyrics up here. Oh well, deal with it.
She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave hime everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up to her
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly
"Broken Wing"
Christina says my music is too sad. I say it leaves room for my happiness.
She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave hime everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up to her
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly
"Broken Wing"
Christina says my music is too sad. I say it leaves room for my happiness.
3.22.2004
3.15.2004
So I went to the rodeo tonight and one of the guys that performed has some lyrics I found fitting: (I changed the "she"s to "he"s)
That ole picture frame keeps hangin round
I ain't ready yet to take it down
Every now and then I'll slam the door
Shake it loose and he'll hit the floor
But I can't throw a good thing away
I wish it would break
And I swear my trucks got a haunted radio
Cause I hear you in every song
But I know what the silence makes me do
So I give those buttons more abuse
I wonder how much punchin it can take
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
This ole hearts got a mind of it's own
It's decided not to let you go
And even though your love's no longer here
It won't let me shed one tear
Cause it's still holdin on to yesterday
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
I wish it would break
Yeah, I wish it would break
Go on and break
-Dierks Bentley, "I Wish it Would Break"
I like them, except I don't want anyone out of my life. I just want to move beyond where I am now.
That ole picture frame keeps hangin round
I ain't ready yet to take it down
Every now and then I'll slam the door
Shake it loose and he'll hit the floor
But I can't throw a good thing away
I wish it would break
And I swear my trucks got a haunted radio
Cause I hear you in every song
But I know what the silence makes me do
So I give those buttons more abuse
I wonder how much punchin it can take
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
This ole hearts got a mind of it's own
It's decided not to let you go
And even though your love's no longer here
It won't let me shed one tear
Cause it's still holdin on to yesterday
I wish it would break
There I could move on, right on down the line
Where I don't see you, need you, in my life
You're wrapped around me
Your memories bound me like a chain
I wish it would break
I wish it would break
Yeah, I wish it would break
Go on and break
-Dierks Bentley, "I Wish it Would Break"
I like them, except I don't want anyone out of my life. I just want to move beyond where I am now.
3.14.2004
Found this on a random website. I can't decide how I feel about it: it seems like the easy way out of anything, but I think it could be useful and beneficial to many people.
Erasing bad memories?
Anna Salleh
ABC Science Online
Monday, 25 August 2003
The day when long-term traumatic memories can be selectively wiped out is one step closer, claim Israeli scientists.
Mark Eisenberg and colleagues from the Weizmann Institute of Science in Rehovot report in the current issue of the journal Science that they have worked out a new rule governing the workings of the brain and the erasing of memories.
They say the research - in rats and fish - may pave the way for the development of drugs that wipe specific memories without affecting other memories.
Every memory undergoes a 'ripening' process called 'consolidation' immediately after it is formed. It was previously thought that the only opportunity for erasing a memory - by using memory-erasing drugs for example - was during a small window of time about an hour or two after the memory is acquired, and before it is consolidated.
More recently, evidence has emerged which suggests that the memory-erasing 'window' opens up each time a memory is recalled. However the evidence has been inconsistent - with some old memories found to be erasable, but others not. The research team report they have devised a rule for establishing which memories can be erased and which can't.
Memories come in packages. For example; certain foods bring up memories of taste, a person can be remembered in pleasant or unpleasant contexts, and so on. When we next taste the food or see the person, all of the associated memories are called up in the blink of an eye, but in the end only one of them dictates how we will react. This 'dominant' memory will decide if we eat the food or reject it, and whether we smile at the person or ignore them.
Eisenberg and team found that it is the 'dominant' memories that are able to be erased. They exposed rats to flavours, and fish to flashes of light - associated with both good and bad memories. In both species it was possible to show that the dominant memory was the one that could be erased by giving the appropriate drug within a few minutes of the memory's recall.
The discovery is likely to assist in the future development of methods to wipe out unwanted memories, and thus of treating some kinds of psychological trauma, the researchers claim. Such studies on humans, however, are yet to be conducted.
Commenting on the research, Australian memory researcher Dr Nikki Rickard of Monash University in Melbourne said she was not surprised that the dominant memories were the ones open to being modified. However she was dubious about the development of memory-erasing treatments. Given the fact that memories are recalled in batches, she thought it was unlikely to develop drugs that would be able to selectively erase bad memories.
"You can't ask animals [that have been] given memory erasing drugs whether they have lost other memories that they don't want to lose," she said, adding that there may be ethical problems in testing such drugs on humans.
I think there is a definite misuse potential. But then again, extra medication for all, right?
Erasing bad memories?
Anna Salleh
ABC Science Online
Monday, 25 August 2003
The day when long-term traumatic memories can be selectively wiped out is one step closer, claim Israeli scientists.
Mark Eisenberg and colleagues from the Weizmann Institute of Science in Rehovot report in the current issue of the journal Science that they have worked out a new rule governing the workings of the brain and the erasing of memories.
They say the research - in rats and fish - may pave the way for the development of drugs that wipe specific memories without affecting other memories.
Every memory undergoes a 'ripening' process called 'consolidation' immediately after it is formed. It was previously thought that the only opportunity for erasing a memory - by using memory-erasing drugs for example - was during a small window of time about an hour or two after the memory is acquired, and before it is consolidated.
More recently, evidence has emerged which suggests that the memory-erasing 'window' opens up each time a memory is recalled. However the evidence has been inconsistent - with some old memories found to be erasable, but others not. The research team report they have devised a rule for establishing which memories can be erased and which can't.
Memories come in packages. For example; certain foods bring up memories of taste, a person can be remembered in pleasant or unpleasant contexts, and so on. When we next taste the food or see the person, all of the associated memories are called up in the blink of an eye, but in the end only one of them dictates how we will react. This 'dominant' memory will decide if we eat the food or reject it, and whether we smile at the person or ignore them.
Eisenberg and team found that it is the 'dominant' memories that are able to be erased. They exposed rats to flavours, and fish to flashes of light - associated with both good and bad memories. In both species it was possible to show that the dominant memory was the one that could be erased by giving the appropriate drug within a few minutes of the memory's recall.
The discovery is likely to assist in the future development of methods to wipe out unwanted memories, and thus of treating some kinds of psychological trauma, the researchers claim. Such studies on humans, however, are yet to be conducted.
Commenting on the research, Australian memory researcher Dr Nikki Rickard of Monash University in Melbourne said she was not surprised that the dominant memories were the ones open to being modified. However she was dubious about the development of memory-erasing treatments. Given the fact that memories are recalled in batches, she thought it was unlikely to develop drugs that would be able to selectively erase bad memories.
"You can't ask animals [that have been] given memory erasing drugs whether they have lost other memories that they don't want to lose," she said, adding that there may be ethical problems in testing such drugs on humans.
I think there is a definite misuse potential. But then again, extra medication for all, right?
3.12.2004
Ever been walking around and your feet just randomly go numb? Kind of a weird feeling.
So I've been thinking, maybe I try too hard. Maybe I should just stop fighting and let the current take me where it will.
"Is the problem with the world ignorance or apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care"
Thought that was fitting. Maybe I'll try it. We'll see.
So I've been thinking, maybe I try too hard. Maybe I should just stop fighting and let the current take me where it will.
"Is the problem with the world ignorance or apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care"
Thought that was fitting. Maybe I'll try it. We'll see.
3.10.2004
Got this from Chris' blog. Today was slightly better than yesterday I guess.
I thought it was odd after I saw the results. My artist friend from HS drew a picture of me with wings senior year. They were sheer and fell to the floor. Beautiful picture, I wish I would have asked her to let me keep it. Just thought it was kinda ironic.
I got song lyrics from Jared off Chris' blog, but I won't post them. If you want to see them, find them on Chris' blog. I think they fit how I feel pretty well. Sorry.
I thought it was odd after I saw the results. My artist friend from HS drew a picture of me with wings senior year. They were sheer and fell to the floor. Beautiful picture, I wish I would have asked her to let me keep it. Just thought it was kinda ironic.
I got song lyrics from Jared off Chris' blog, but I won't post them. If you want to see them, find them on Chris' blog. I think they fit how I feel pretty well. Sorry.
3.09.2004
So I almost dropped all of my classes today. Every single one. I've never felt like such a failure in my life. Or maybe I've just never failed like this before. In a "contest" where every single point matters, mediocrity is rewarded with pretty much what it deserves: nothing. Sadly, I've actually considered NOT going to med school after this, mainly because I don't know if I could hack it. It's really depressing when something you've dreamed of doing for as long as you can remember now seems so far out of reach.
I told my parents I was failing at life today. I told myself that too. A lot. I don't get why I see that I am failing miserably at everything that I am trying so hard to succeed in, yet somehow I can't fucking fix it. Or me.
I think they (my parents) are worried. I know they're doing all they can to help me, but I'm a "big girl" now and this is really something I have to do on my own. Maybe that's why you aren't supposed to start college til the same time everyone else does. Maybe that year of bump-aheadness wasn't as beneficial as I've always seen it. Those "important grade school years of development" yeah, maybe I shouldn't have missed one of those. Or maybe I'm just dumb. Way too fucking dumb to be an engineer. Or a doctor. Or anything I aspire to. Perhaps I should just quit while I'm ahea...while I'm not too far behind.
Or maybe I should just quit bitching. Whatever.
I told my parents I was failing at life today. I told myself that too. A lot. I don't get why I see that I am failing miserably at everything that I am trying so hard to succeed in, yet somehow I can't fucking fix it. Or me.
I think they (my parents) are worried. I know they're doing all they can to help me, but I'm a "big girl" now and this is really something I have to do on my own. Maybe that's why you aren't supposed to start college til the same time everyone else does. Maybe that year of bump-aheadness wasn't as beneficial as I've always seen it. Those "important grade school years of development" yeah, maybe I shouldn't have missed one of those. Or maybe I'm just dumb. Way too fucking dumb to be an engineer. Or a doctor. Or anything I aspire to. Perhaps I should just quit while I'm ahea...while I'm not too far behind.
Or maybe I should just quit bitching. Whatever.
3.05.2004
So everyone is at banquet and I'm chilling here in my room. Alone. Once again. Actually, it's kinda nice. I went to MC mall to get my necklace fixed (it's gonna take fuckin like 5 days...) and so I figured since no one would be HERE I'd stay THERE and walk around. So of course I bought stuff. :D Yay for stuff. Without stuff, there'd be nothing for me to buy...yep, that was circular. heh heh heh and you're still reading. I see Heather winning here... bwa ha ha
Anyway, so also yay for drugs. Especially detwitchifying ones. And uh, blah. Just cuz I can. I'm in an unreasonably good mood. *shrug* no complaints :P Yep so now I'm just waiting for all of you people to get done listening to people talk aka get out of banquet-y stuff. I kinda wanted to go :/ but apparently I was too late or not good enough or whatever asinine reason they came up with...whatever, I had more fun than you I bet, and if not, well, I had fun. SO HAH.
*shrug* I think I'm done.....hmmmmm.....yeah, that's it. Yep. Mmm hmm. Oh, yeah, uh, uhm, errrr, yeah.
Anyway, so also yay for drugs. Especially detwitchifying ones. And uh, blah. Just cuz I can. I'm in an unreasonably good mood. *shrug* no complaints :P Yep so now I'm just waiting for all of you people to get done listening to people talk aka get out of banquet-y stuff. I kinda wanted to go :/ but apparently I was too late or not good enough or whatever asinine reason they came up with...whatever, I had more fun than you I bet, and if not, well, I had fun. SO HAH.
*shrug* I think I'm done.....hmmmmm.....yeah, that's it. Yep. Mmm hmm. Oh, yeah, uh, uhm, errrr, yeah.
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