So I'm sitting here at Jason's apartment, I've finished the work I need to get done, or at least as much of it as I am going to do, and I'm waiting for him to finish his thermo homework. So I'm thinking, kind of bored, but that's ok, I don't mind. Anyway, thinking. And then it occurs to me that I don't even really know what I'm thinking about. It's like I'm going through the motions of thinking without actually doing it. So of course, as I realize this, I actually begin to think. And I feel so gipped about it. I realized how much I actually do this; just kind of zone out and ignore everything that is going on, and how much I could be missing out on and I don't even know it. So I keep thinking...and what do I realize but that I'm doing it again. It's like my brain says "Fuck you Heather" and shuts off. Now what kind of person am I that I seem to be incapable of even internal thought, even if this is all I am focusing on. So I focus even harder. And then while I'm thinking and it seems to be working and I can actually begin to figure things out, my mind goes blank. I still know what I was thinking about, but it's like I can't figure out what to do with it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well...it's like my mind has set up a "no pass" zone surrounding certain topics, protecting its fragile self from any more harm.
I'm not sure what to do about this. It's like, well, I can't even think of what it's like. That just proves my point even more. *sigh* I feel like I'm trapped in an abyss of, well, of nothing. Perhaps I've let myself go too far astray from "normal mental process"(?) and now there is no way back.

On a happier note I suppose, this upcoming Friday is my birthday. This I am actually looking forward to quite a bit, and Saturday even more. Hopefully nothing will ruin the chances of excitement and happiness there, I'm really looking forward to it.

Yes, just read it. It's good for your eyes.

Well, I was looking back at a few blogss ago (since I've only had 2 comments in the last like 7 posts -thanks adam and jyoti (whose blog address I can't presently think of :-/)- I don't have much else to look at) and I saw my post about being an engineer. I don't remember who said this to me a few days ago (or last week, whatever) but it stuck in my mind and I think it's true. People don't not make it in engineering because they are stupid persay; well maybe some, but I think a lot of people who actually want to be engineers don't make it because of their perspective. Whoever it was that I was talking to said that a lot of people who don't make it through engineering programs don't because they can't think like an engineer. I think I agree with this. Granted obviously that isn't the reason for everyone I'm sure. Some people really aren't smart enough, some people are too lazy, some people realize it isn't what they want to do. But a lot try to go through and can't. It's like there is a mental process that must be learned; of how to go about engineering. Only this learning must take place within oneself, it seems that it can not be taught, not even by the best of professors. This is what worries me about the upcoming generation of people in the workforce.

I hear from so many people about how they go through their classes so nonchalantly. Things like "I dunno, I wasn't listening" are just the beginning. There are so many blatant cheaters going through college that I am not only amazed but disgusted. I don't understand how these people can live knowing that one day they will (if God forsakes us all) be doctors or engineers (these are the main people I deal with and see) and they are blatantly cheating in every single one of their classes. Do you want a doctor who cheated in human anatomy? "Der, where's that dang appendix again? Hmm, maybe it's over here" *slices neck* How about a civil engineer designing a bridge for you that has no idea what stresses it can hold? "Gah, what was that equation again? Eh, no matter, we'll just build this bridge out of PVC pipe. It'll save us some money and maybe I'll get a bigger paycheck." I hold a lot of respect for the people I see going through school, and studying their asses off for their B+'s that should be A-'s if it weren't for the fucking cheating bastards who cheated their way better than them. And how the professors let them get by with this I really don't undestand. Ok so it's some fucking paperwork and a little hassle to make these students pay. Whoopty fucking doo. Putting these people out of an education is great for the workforce. We need more honest people to hold the jobs that should require honest and intelligent people. Oh and we need more shitty cheating kicked out of college bastards to work at McDonalds. The professors, by being too lazy to do anything about cheating, are only making things worse for the future. A future of uneducated, incompetent, highly paid workers who do absolutely nothing. And they can't be replaced because no one wants to hire someone who might have a slightly lower GPA but worked their ass off for it and knows their shit. Because that would make sense, and we can't do that now can we? Jason showed me this webpage by a band called KMFDM. Hilarious, it was. But the more I think about it, the more it seems true. The general population of the US has no fucking clue about anything. But apparently, that's ok, we'll just somehow continue to be in power while paying non-Americans to do all of our work for us, putting our citizens out of jobs, fucking our economy, and making the rest of the world hate us. Because this is how to be "like totally super awesome" (ie a world power) Perhaps I'm a little out of touch with things, but isn't that how to make it where you depend on other countries for everything? People come over from India and are almost junior level college students their first semester here, because they've already learned all the shit we struggle to comprehend. Does that mean they are smarter than us? I'm not sure if it's that or they just decided to care a little more about their educations than fucking backwater-Arkansas-graduate-without-reading. But our educations here are SO much better. That's why if you go to medical school in the US and try to practice professionally pretty much anywhere in Europe, Asia or Africa, you get to go through at least another year of training. I don't think it's the medical practices that are too mcuh different; there are only a few ways you can shove a scalpel into someones stomach and expect them to survive. No, you know why this occurs? Because nobody fucking trusts US doctors. And why should they? All they are taught here is how to do the minimum for a patient and avoid a lawsuit while making enough to afford that new Mercedes Benz. Man, if you get the chance you should read up on malpractice lawsuits. Not the stupid frivolous ones that shouldn't be had in the first place; the real ones. You know how many surgical tools are left inside patients because doctors forget about them during surgery? A fucking lot. How do you forget about 3 clamps and accidentally sew a womans stomach back up with them still inside? Maybe this was a doctor who cheated his way through medical school. People say no one cheats in medical school because it's so competitive; I say that's bullshit. It's just like undergrad, as long as you aren't in direct competition, who cares if you help each other? Yeah, I think the patients will care, shitface. Perhaps you should think about that like doctors are supposed to instead of thinking about how big your paycheck will be after you rape some woman after anesthesizing her for a procedure you only pretend to do. And then she gets pregnant and you wonder why you're being sued. Jackass.

Well, I wasn't going to do the generic quiz thing, but then I saw this one and so I took it and it just kind of happened ok?

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

i hate a lot of things. but not you, no not you. so much else, but i couldnt hate you. i also couldnt hate my blanket - its so warm and soft and its never done anything to make me hate it. i love my blanket. and my pink panther. because theyre always there for me when i need them. i need them now, and theyre here. so i will go to them now i dont want to keep them waiting - it might make it where they arent there for me when i need them. and i need them a lot so i have to be careful.

What to say...it sucks that school starts tomorrow. I'm kind of pissed off about it, but maybe it will actually be good. I dunno...lots of changes to be made, such mentality change right now, i'm not sure what's going to happen this semester, its really up in the air. I think this might be the semester that determines whether or not I continue to be a biomedical engineer or not. Sadly, I don't know where else to go if i decide to change (or have to) I've spent so much time in this major, it would feel like a waste if i switched. I shouldn't be talking about school yet. I think thats the cause of all of this. I hate it i never want to go back i want to quit and do nothing. find some money on the street and buy my own island. I'll live on half and rent the other half to really rich people to pay for anything i need. i think its a really good idea, maybe there are some islands in Fiji for sale. everyone who's rich wants to go to Fiji right? i guess i'd find out when people started coming or not. well, i guess thats really all...if anyone knows of a way for me to learn without having to deal with school let me know.

Hmm, what to say. So much seems to have happened since my last update. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) most of it was in my head. My poor brain, it's been through so much trauma this break...so many different feelings and emotions...I'm glad things (or me, whichever) have calmed down a little...just in time for the stress of school again. Perhaps I do this on purpose; replace the stress of class with other stresses. I'm not sure why, it's not enjoyable by any means. *shrug* I think perhaps I need a vacation from my vacation. Maybe just a weekend trip to Fiji. Or maybe someone could bring Fiji to me? I'd like that too, if you can think of how, that would be great. There has to be a hammock and drinks in coconut shells with the little paper umbrellas, those are the only restrictions. Oh, and it has to be absolutely wonderful. Hmm. That's what I want for my birthday. The person who gets me this will be my ultimate permanent hero forever. Oooh, and I get to go to Cirque de Soleil the day after my birthday with Jason and his parents. That's freakin' awesome too. I'm really excited about it because from what I heard, it's AWESOME. And I get to see it with J, which is also freaking AWESOME. :-D *sigh* yay for stuff. Like trust. I feel like we're getting more and more of that everyday, which is cool because it's one of those things that is hard to repair, yet we're doing it. Pulling through. And not just sloughing through in knee deep mud anymore either.
Ok, sorry for the fluffy lovey stuff...well, no actually I'm not, but ya know, if it makes you feel better. I guess lyrics should come next, and what could be more fitting:

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"
Maroon5- She Will Be Loved

Man, I love that song. Also Counting Crows "Big Yellow Taxi." That's a cool song too.