Man, I'm generally not so much the "bitch" (though I'm sure many people beg to differ). But when I get upset, I just realized how much of a bitch I can be. It's like "well, you hurt my feelings...now I'm going to demolish yours...I'm going to find everything I can remember back as far as I can about you and use it against you to make you feel as bad as you made me feel." Granted, sometimes people deserve that...but afterward it kinda makes me feel bad, especially if they respond. (In any other way than "Fuck you" or walking/going away) But, I guess that's just the way I am, eh? Dunno, I mean I never really thought of myself as a mean person, but apparently can be.

Does that make you mean? Or is it more a 'crime of passion/temporary moment of insanity' type thing? I mean, a lot of the things I say I don't even mean...they just kinda of work their way out through my ranting...I try really hard not to be a mean person, do a few slip-ups now and then really null all the nice I try to act toward people?

Man, definetly needed to see old friends tonight. I mean new friends are great, but the old ones are so much more comfy and broken in...like those shoes everyone has that even though they are uber old you still wear them cuz they are uber duber comfy? Yah, like that. Only people. And not so smelly. So, the epiphinal nerd moments just keep happening...I mean I thought i was just a little nerd, but it seems like MAN, Heather = bigger nerd everyday. When you bring your calculus homework to a friends' house so you can study while you chill...*sigh* so sad...Oh well, I'm still cool to, uh...me. :O)

Anyway, so hanging out with people who I don't ever get to see anymore made me really happy. Just hangin out with the old buddies...I miss them, can't wait to see everyone in December for Jill's party. *excited*

So, I was also uber suprised that Mr. Old Man Driver drove all the way down Corinne's street BACKWARDS! Talk about my jaw hitting the floor. I first of all didn't think he would do something like that and second didn't think he WOULD do something like that - Mr. Cautious he is. WAY TO GO ROB! I'm proud of you, man! Between beating up Natalie with kolaches to keep her from scoring with the apparently UBER HOT enemy to racing over the speedbumps in reverse, I guess "all those college folk" have began to "corrupt" you hehehe.

So, yeah, for all you digital camera freaks out there...like I said I was gonna get a digital camera, then I realized I take all of like 3 pictures a year so it would be kinda pointless - plus I have all of you to take better pics for me! So, make sure you post all your stuff from tonight...I can't wait to see all the random pics! :D

Hmm, I guess that's all...I might make it to bed before 3 for once...chilling in my room listening to The Mars Volta is putting me in the mood for some sleepage, so adieu...

Ahh...PS to Chris- acts of randomness become MORE random when I question it...if I question it RANDOMLY!

So the fact that I am actively avoiding studying cal for my test Monday, coupled with the ever increasing pit in the bottom of my stomach are my purposes for this blog. I have been so hopeful in the last few weeks...yet so so unhappy. It seems everytime I think things might be taking a turn for the better, something happens...maybe everyone is right...maybe I should give up...but I really don't want to. Stupid inner turmoil. Stupid stupid stupid. Somehow I don't ever make things better either. It seems that everytime I try to reconcile I just fuck up more...or at least don't make anything any better.

On a good note, I decorated my house for Christmas today...it was nice, even though I won't be there most of the time to see it... Sadly it was one of those all day things that ended with us not finishing...apparently my mom wants 'us' aka 'me' to decorate outside tomorrow...*sigh* I guess I'm the only one with the decorative touch...haha yeah right, I'm just the only one who will do it...

Once again hopeful...thinking and thinking with everything to do...

Keepin' it short so it's not annoying to read...

Ouch.

Ouch, that sums it up quite nicely. It hurts to be hurt, even if I brought it upon myself as I always do. I would never wish what I feel on anyone, no matter how much I disliked them, because of all the mental turmoil that i somehow seem to withstand and still function. Why can't things just be simple? Everything has to be complicated by something else...Whyyy? Just make it easy. I don't know how... I guess if I did I wouldn't have problems. Man, I feel like I complain about things in here way too much. I hate talking to people about my problems, but I feel I need to tell someone. I guess that's the thing about good friends: you can be stupid and blind and vent to them and even if they disagree, they listen...at least until you're done...then they have free reign (at least for me) to tell me exactly what they think - how much of a dumbass I am, how stupid and blind I've been, how I shouldn't put up with the 'bullshit' (this is them talking, not me, remember) that I do...everything. It kinda puts stuff in perspective even if I don't take their advice. Which I normally don't, at least not at first..."I told you so is a phrase I hear all too often, yet in almost 18 years I have not learned to at least consider the advice I'm given before I try to convince myself that "my situation is soooooooo much different" Even now, when I see that I should see this, and I know what I see, I still don't do it. Language is a very powerful tool: it can be used in many ways, even though I CAN SEE IT being used against me, I still neglect to do anything about it. What can I say, when I'm happy I tend to neglect common sense and logic - they don't seem to apply in the real world...at least not mine. In my mind, why would I go out of my way to rid myself of something that makes me happier than anything else around me? Something that, just by being there, can brighten my day? Perhaps I'm no longer being as vague as I intended to...

Why is it that when you seem to be at the bottom, with nowhere to possibly go but up (so you think things have to get better) that somehow a new level of dirt is removed from your hole, leaving you at the bottom of a pit too deep to see the light at the top? I feel like one of those fish that live deep in the ocean, where no light penetrates...only they don't know light...and I do. Man, I just compared myself to a fish...ewww.

So here's what I think...even with people telling me that I should give up, even with people telling me that it's not worth it, even with people telling me that "I told you so" is soon to be said many times to me...I'm happy - or have the potential to be...once 'things' are decided. Forgiveness granted, trust *being* regained, hope restored, at least for me...I hope.

Man, way to be specifically vague...or vaguely specific...or in some cases, not vague at all. Oh well, I tried. Pretty hard. I just write what I hear in my head...think...I mean what I THINK in my head.....

*Mocking tone* "Oh, I'm gonna do some chanting, and all off a sudden all of my enemies are gonna be smited, everyone I've ever hated is gonna die...I think you just listen to too much Morrisey and have watched The Craft one too many times...that and your tiny little baby cauldron...as if you're the shit...as if you're part of the fucking cast of The Craft" - Foamy the Squirrel

So I'm getting quite angry with the whole 'sleeping' thing. Or shall I say the lack thereof. I think that in the past two weeks, my sleep schedule has become so skewed that I may as well just become freakin' nocturnal...I'm getting pretty damn close. And the sleeping in 45 minute intervals...also extremely unacceptable. The best sleep I have had in the last week and a half or 2 weeks was Sunday night...but that's probably another story...

Apparently the critics all really hated Gothika. That's the funny thing about critics though. I liked Gothika...man, I guess they've just watched too many movies to have valid opinions to me :P

So, it's nearing Christmas time and I have to start buying stuff for people...I see two problems with this picture: 1) I haven't the slightest idea what to get, um...ANYONE and 2) I'm pretty damn broke. There are a few people that I want to get nice gifts for, mainly because, up until around last year I had never really had to buy presents for people, especially not family members. Now I not only have to do that, but I have to find something for Jason too....ooh, man, this could take thought :/ Needing ideas...

I still need to get my locket fixed that I broke in like....mmm May? Speaking of that, I really need to put a picture in it too...heh. I really like it and want to wear it, but I've been too lazy and/or forgetful to actually go have the chain debrokified So maybe I'll do that when I go home tomorr...today. Or maybe I'll forget again, that's probably more likely.

So I'm rambling about nothing because I'm not tired and have nothing better to do, so I should probably stop while I make sense. Because making sense is good. :O)

You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm...maybe...dunno...guess we'll see.

So anyway, I'm not sure what to think about anything anymore. I know what I want but I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm not sure what will happen if I get my way. I just hope things turn out well. I liked where I was two weeks ago and I'd really like to get back to that. I hope it happens and I think it will...but I'm pretty blind so I haven't as good of an idea about what's going on as I like to think I do. I guess I'll find out...only time can tell.

Late night Wal-Mart runs

So, after feeling totally...um....denied (maybe ignored or unwanted is a better word?) tonight, I decided it was definitely time for a late night Wal-Mart run. But it's ok that it happened, I guess I should have expected as much. Guess that's what happens when you get your hopes up for once. Only way that you can go is down. Good thing Kellie was there to support my necessity...Chris too...it's not so much with the fun going by yourself. So we played with the toys, and then made fun of the toys (I used to play with doctor kits, kids now aspire to work at McDonalds???) and played a little football and such... then of course the latenight/early morning trip to IHOP, which is always good. Man, it was like a typical night in high school for me....the playing in Wal-mart followed by the fooding at IHOP (or Bennigans usually). It's nice to know that people here aren't so different from my other friends. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one who likes sushi, and I can't wait for tomorr....I mean later today when we go out to have some...it's so yummy.

My other new 'theme song' applies more every day. So I realized what Fiji is to me. And I realized that how much and the way in which I talk about it is actually a really good gauge of how crappy I am feeling. So...I've incessantly talked about it for the last 3 or 4 days...kinda sucks, though I love Fiji more than anywhere else. I want to pack up and leave everyone, without a trace, a goodbye or anything like that. Just go, and never come back. Ever. I'll relax in my hammock on the beach with a coconut full of lemonade with the little umbrella in it and a cool brightly colored straw. I'll be carefree and life will be great. And I will never have to deal with stupid things ever ever ever ever ever ever ever again. Ever. Man, dream worlds are great. I'd just be happy with living there and chilling in the hammock on the beach with the coconut lemonade and such 1 or 2 days a week. Or even a few a month. I could deal with that. Man, what a life. Especially since it's in Fiji.

So I forgot...

Man, 3 blogs in a day...I must be really bored or something...Or I have a lot to say, yeah, uh that's it.

Anyway, so the reason I originally set out to write a blog today i forgot about in my first one, which is odd because i wrote about like everything, but oh well. So I toured the TX Heart Institute yesterday, and it was definetly the highlight of my year. It was THE coolest thing I have done since i got here, without a doubt. I mean, i didn't get to see toooooo much, but what i did get to see really made an impression on me. There was a man/woman (cant tell they were covered) in one of the domed OR's (that means you stand a floor up and watch the surgery) who was having a kidney removed. But they weren't doing it because they had a bad kidney and needed it taken out or anything...they were DONATING it. Now I realize that you can live with just 1 kidney and it will completely take over the function of the other, but, in that situation, how many people do you know who would actaully give something up like that? I mean i say i would, but that would be the scariest moment of my entire life, and i really dont know. I felt so much respect for that person down there, putting themselves through that just so someone else, WHO THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE EVEN KNOWN, could live. That seems like the ultimate sacrifice to me. I mean, wow, it really made an impression on me.

So, after that we were taken to see all of the laboratories, and i must say, they are exceptional. Another impressionable moment...regular people coming up with all of these things that could one day 'cure this' or 'end that' or "make life easier for these people' Amazing again. Then we were taken to the 'uber basement' (there are 2 floors of basement, we were taken to the bottom one) where all the animal testing stuff goes on. That was kind of sad. I learned that no matter how well an animal takes to some testing that it undergoes, it is killed nonetheless. Or 'sacrificed' as they told us. I think animal testing is most likely one thing I couldn't do, maybe on like rats and such, but taking out a cows perfectly good heart and replacing it with an artificial one to 'see what happens' I dunno, I'll leave that to someone else. But i mean what they are doing is still really awesome and one day it is going to make a lot of sick people better. So the cows and the sheep that I saw, I dont think they were being tested just yet, that they were still under the 2 week quarantine 'just in case' but they did have 2 cows with LVADs in their hearts. And they arent like the monkeys you hear about who suffer at least (you know the monkeys some company was doing external heart transplants on and they ended up in extreme pain, pitifully carrying this heart around connected to their neck...ok so maybe I'm the only one who has heard about that) Anyway, what i meant was at least they are treated humanely...cleaned often, fed well, kept from experiencing too much pain...i dunno, if you gotta do it, at least they're nice about it.
Yeah, so the lady that gave us the tour works in research and all, and she goes to Tanzania every summer for either a week or 2 weeks (not sure which) and spends the entire time helping them set up their medical centers and performing open heart surgery. Can you imagine how many people wait for this all year? Apparently there are a lot, she does something like 25 in a week. Another amazing thing. It really makes me think about what I want to do. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to 'be a doctor'..even when i was like 4. Yah, so a lot of kids change their minds once a week on what they want, and even college students are like "hmm, well i dunno"...yeh that was NEVER the case with me. The lady that gave us the tour asked everyone where they thought they would be in 10 years, I was AMAZED at how many people didn't know. I mean, there wasn't even a question for me. Granted, I haven't closed my mind to other possibilities, but they are within a spectrum of what I ABSOLUTELY know I want. The uncertainty that all of these other people have would drive me INSANE. I wouldn't be able to do it...I mean they are spending 4 years and 4 years worth of money somewhere doing something that they aren't even sure they want. What would you do if you got into a job and realized this was the crappiest thing ever and you were just doing it for the money? I mean, I want to help people, I want to take away their pain and make it where they can function as normal human beings. The money is just a perk of all that. I would go to Tanzania and not sleep more than 2 hours a day and do 25 open heart surgeries in a week, had I the skills. That's awesome.

I guess also, I make my choices within the medical field about what i want to do based off also what i DONT want to do. I used to want to be in ER trauma kind of stuff, I have so much respect for those people, but i dont think i could live like that. Always on call, how is one to live like that? I mean, that cant lead to any kind of healthy relationships...I could do it for awhile, but indefinetly? no. I would consider plastic surgery, but only reconstructive. I would deal with people who wanted to alter their deformities, not people who wanted to be Barbie. Cleft palates, burn victims, stuff like that I would feel like i was helping them in some way at least. But boob jobs, rhinoplasties and tummy tucks? It screams "Man, look at me i have all this money to spend and nothing better to do than go from flab to fab, from skin to silicon." It kinda irks me. I dunno, I'm really considering anesthesiology, or maybe radiology. But I mean, I'm an "impressionable youth" and maybe this biomed engineering thing will turn me elsewhere...maybe protein engineering, bone and tissue engineering, biosensory engineering...iono, lots of chances to help people (eventually) there. I have an idea on what I want at least, but I am willing to let it be molded. I want to help people, but I don't want to have it where I am unhappy. Because then helping people becomes a chore, and its not-so-helpful anymore.

So yeah, lots to look at for the future, but for the present, the Heart Institute was really awesome. Oh yeah, and to complete the post before last, Fiji is uber awesome. Moreso than uhhh...other stuff.

Ahh, latest update....the comments DO work now, suprising, i did something right for a change. good job, me. I guess if i'd read directions more often....yeah, so now i guess i get to see if anyone actually does read this.

So i tried putting comments on my blog, cuz it's kinda boring without them (even though most people wouldn't find this so much the comment-worthy) but somehow it didn't work...so if anyone knows how to make stupid Haloscan work....yeah lemme know...cuz internet > heather :O( So ice skating with Kellie = uber fun, except that i want to drive the blade of my skate into stupid teenyboppers heads because they FAIL AT LIFE! It's not so hard to see that when you go ICE SKATING it's going to be COLD and you should dress NOT LIKE A SKANK WHORE so that I dont have to hear you bitch about how COLD the ICE is. I mean come on, even I know that...stupid stupid people...we need to round them up and send them to Cuba...or anywhere that I'm not. No, actually I'm just kidding, we need a few stupid people around for amusement value....and to provide cheap labor. So driving around and getting lost because you have nothing better to do at 1 in the morning is the best thing ever...if gas weren't all expensive-like and I had (at least) one person with me, I'd do it every chance I got because it made me feel a little better. That and listening to my new 'favorite' song...this guy is really funny, and actually i just like the song because it's true and I've said this all along, and now finally someone else has too....but anyway Ben Folds "Rockin the Suburbs"...yeah it rocks MY suburbs :P but the lines I like and that make me happy are:

i pull up to the stoplight
i can feel that something's not right
i can feel that someone's blasting me
with hate and bass
sending dirty vibes my way
cause my great great great great grandad
made someone's great great great great grandaddy slaves
it wasn't my idea
it wasn't my idea
it never was my idea
i just drove to the store
for some preparation h

Because it's so fucking true...and I think I might start saying that to people, except that I don't wanna get shot....

So, I've decided that there are some things that although they directly affect me are totally out of my control and although they have been the reason of much unhappiness, and will probably continue to be, I need to realize that it's not ALL my fault...though I know some is...and I also need to realize that if I'm going to have a mental breakdown I need to leave the room because though I love it when I know people care about me and want to make sure I'm ohkay, I feel realllllllly bad for making them worry and have to go out of their way for me even though that's what friends do and such...so no more mental breakdowns in public places...maybe I'll spend some more time behind the curtains I put up on my bed. I really need a new perspective on what's going on, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to find out, and I don't know if i can wait it out and see without becoming a recluse. Even if i can't stand humanity, I love being with people...especially people who make me happy. And now I think I've taken my rambling possibly too far. Maybe I'll finish later....the ups and the downs move too quickly for me, why can't I level out? I think in this case, I could settle for mediocre.

Ok, so new subject: another pretty good band is sugarcult...I'm not so much into bands like them, but I make an exception for this. I like it, and even if I'm in the happiest mood ever I think i would still enjoy their music...."I wish it was raining, cuz I hate every beautiful day..." yeah, I'm definetly feeling that. So did anyone see downtown right after the big rain thing? Cuz Houston actually looked PRETTY. Yes, scary, i know...but the rain kinda 'washed' the soot and disgustingness off the buildings, and the wind temporarily blew the smog and gross shit out of the air around here, so the sunset....was beautiful...the only thing that could have made it better would have been a citywide power outage so there were NO lights so that I could have seen the stars. I haven't REALLY watched the stars in so long...i feel like I'm taking them for granted...they're so beautiful and i just ignore them and do stupid things instead...I hate being stupid, because then I'm no better than all of the people i want to send to Cuba...
If I'm stupid will you send me to Fiji? I promise I won't come back. Ever. So my friend told me that I should never actually go to Fiji because if I did, and one single thing went wrong, no matter how small, stupid or insignificant, or if it wasn't exactly what I expected it to be, I would be so let down and heartbroken that I could never live it down. I'm not so sure what to say to that...I mean, on one hand, I see his point, I have used Fiji as an escape for going on probably going on 5 years now...and it's not like I'll be going any time soon, so I'll have even more time to fantasize about how wonderful it is and if (when) i do go, it could never be as great as i dreamt it to be. But, on the other hand, I realize this, and so although i say i expect it to be the best place in the world, i know that the only best place in the world for me would be an island with just me on it where people came to visit uber often. But only certain people, only the ones i wanted. It could be like that movie with the little short guy that takes your baggage off the plane and then the tall guy with the accent in the white suit saying "ch-ello, welcome to Heather's Fijian island" with his cool accent....yeah whatever movie that was, i know someone knows what the fuck im talking about...and if i could get the damn comment shit to work then maybe i'd know too....
So Fiji is my ultimate escape, if anyone wants to help me get there, you need only buy a one way ticket, because I won't be coming back. So, if you really like me and want to see me the happiest i've ever been, or you really hate me and want me to leave forever ( i dont really care which ) Fiji would be the ultimate way to go.

So i think i have talked way too much tonight, and thought even more. Thinking is the worst possible thing you could EVER do. EVER. I mean it. You know, if people didn't put so much fucking thought into things that were so easy to do....everything would be so much simpler. I mean that in the most general sense too....i mean take math for example. A completely man-made 'science' ..and i use the term 'science' very lightly in this case. Now, how is it that things that exist naturally have so few rules, and the rules that are there are pretty much uber apparent....but all this man made shit that guys who couldnt get a girlfriend decided to come up with has to be so fucking complicated? Obviously it doesn't. I mean, it's so stupid...something completely made up, yet we base everything we know around it...and it's become where these obvious natural things have to be 'proven' using our 'obviously superior' man made bullshit, and none of it even really exists....like i said, it was a bunch of guys who were sitting around talking about how they can't get girlfriends and they were like "man, you know what we should do? we should make up some bullshit, call it calculus and make all these people who can get girlfriends learn it so they have to know our pain" And the stupid fuckers bought it, so now everyone has to learn made up shit that doesnt really exist.
AND, the best part is, even if I'm wrong, it's ok, because I dont really care, I just think it's stupid. Just like me, only obviously it is > than me cuz its kicking my ass. So, if you want to disagree with me, go right ahead, you probably are right, but, hmm, i dont give a flying fuck. IN FACT, i dont even give a nonflying fuck.

Wow, ok so I just kinda stopped there and read what I had written because I was just writing everything that came to my mind as fast as i could so i wouldnt miss anything....and wow, I make no sense whatsoever....I think my thoughts jump and jumble around more than a fucking pingpong ball. *sigh* oh well, I've taken the time out of my evening when i could be sleeping (even though i wouldnt be because my body obviously still thinks that sleeping in 45 minute intervals is some kind of sick fun joke thing....) anyway, so i took the time to write it, now you have taken the time to read it...at least te last sentence.....and now let's see how the sleeping thing goes...maybe i should invest in sleeping pills or something if this continues much longer i might go insane...i mean insaner.

If you actaully read all of this, I guess you really do care, wow, *warm fuzzy loved feeling* ....or you were just really bored, wow *helped waste your time feeling* either way, you did the right thing, mate.

Moments in time...

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Makes me wonder how, if things are so important, and time so valuable, we can waste so much of it not knowing what to do...seems to me that risks should be taken, not pondered until it's too late.

Feeling better

Yes, the title depicts all. I do, in fact, feel much better about...well about everything. I am in a much clearer state of mind, I feel happier, and I see a few more positive aspects to the world. So the last blog was written in a moment of panic, of extreme fear, of depression, and of hatred for the world around me. A lot of people who normally don't have recently been making me very angry, but oddly enough, a few people who I didn't used to like very much, or who didn't used to like me seem tolerable, and actually I don't mind being around them. I can see possibilities of friendship where I never thought possible. But the annoying people need to stop. I don't know if it's them doing 'things' more often, or me becomeing more aware of them, but these idiosyncrasies make me want to seclude myself from certain things that I really do take interest in. Or kill them. Whatever.

So, on a lighter note, white chocolate mocha expresso...very good. I'm drinking it now in fact. I could see an addiction develop here. But only a wintertime addiction, because it's not so great as iced coffee...but I guess that's what caramel machiatto is for, right? (Man, I just realized how sad that is...I have a Starbucks menu in my head *hang head in shame*)

Yeah, so pretty much I feel better, I would delete the blog from Tuesday, but then I wouldn't have it to look back on, and I think it should stay there.

Squeeeeee!

Thinking is far too little a luxury right now, but more something that must be done. I was reading my friends DeadJournal and I came across a quote that made me wonder:

People who think they are truly happy are at least a little ignorant. (actually I lost the exact quote, but that was the jist of it)

Is this true? Is happiness worth ignorance? And if ignorance is bliss, then why do people choose to lead lives of enlightenment? I was once told that dreams do come true. I sometimes seriously doubt it. A very close friend also once told me that if I look up at the stars, one of them is there just for me. I wonder if my star burned out. She told me to follow my heart and my dreams. What happens though....if I work my whole life trying to accomplish something...and I fall short. I never reach my goals, I never accomplish my dreams. Does that mean my whole life is worthless? That everything I have worked for is for nothing? Or what if, say, I do accomplish these said dreams or goals. Then what? Without a reason to live, what is the reason for living? Or, another case scenario, what if I accomplish everything I set out to, but I still feel as if I've fallen short. Would that not leave a giant gaping black hole of 'unaccomplishment' (for lack of real word). I'm scared to death. Really. Completely paralyzed by the fear of what is to come of me. My two biggest fears are being alone and not doing anything worthwhile with my life.

If I could have one wish, I know exactly what I would want. Unfortunately, I don't think it could ever happen. I wish that I could be one of those people who says they are going to do something and really end up doing it. My laziness and inability to follow through with things have been my downfall in many occasions. I feel I could be a lot happier with myself if I did the things I say I should/want to do. As hard as I try to follow through with things, be more decisive and finish things that I start, I find myself unable to. I feel as though I have cheated myself out of so many things because of my lackidaisical nature that thinking of what a great person I could be makes me sick when I look and see the nothing I am. I could be such a....such a good person, yet I remain a nobody, something that can just be tossed aside like an old toy. I feel as if, had I tried, I could be anywhere I wanted doing anything I wanted right now. Yet here I sit, unable to control even minor aspects of my life. I hear people telling me how proud they are of my so called 'accomplishments', yet I look and see nothing noteworthy about my life. I have never worked for anything, yet I complain about everything that I encounter. I have never experienced hardship, yet I talk down to those who have and try to overcome it. I realize now that I am nothing more than a generic, untrustworthy, dishonest, two-faced, lying bitch. I have become the epitome of everything I hate.

I watched Donnie Darko tonight (again). One of my favorite movies. I really like the song choice at the very end.

Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

Wow, so registering for classes = giant pain in the ass for Heather. 4 hours (at least) of traipsing around trying to get all of this shit that nobody told me was broken fixed...I never knew people could be so incompetent. Actually...I guess I did. It seems to be the way of people...man, what a motif, hating people in general and liking them in specific...it seems to suit me more every day.

I wonder more and more every day what makes people think they are so much better than everything else. Even other people...I don't get it...people (with rare exception) are fucking stupid, not like funny stupid, although watching someones demise is kind of funny, but bang-your-head-against-the-wall-to-not-catch-the-stupid stupid. Like stupid that makes the IQ of a room drop. Substansially.

So I came home for (part of) the weekend, seems like the biggest waste of time ever. Nobody is here, yet they want me to come home and see them. Man, so I guess the 'oh I miss my daughter sooooooo much!' ends after the 5 minute mark of my arrival...which actually turns out well for me because I can sit around, not do anything and not have to worry about other people for a little while, which is pretty nice, so yeah.

End