The longest blog I've ever written...

and it's not even here... :-/

Yes, I did steal this from Brittnee's blog. It was too crazy to only be posted in one place I think. Perhaps he shouldn't get a new penis if he was dumb enough to piss the old one away? Literally...

Anyway, not much going on here, lots of organic studying. I'm not freaked out about the test yet, but I do have 2 more practice tests to do (granted I've done decently well on the first 2) We shall see, we shall see... My goal: beat a 97. Guess whose 97 it is :P But hey, at least I've got goals, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought I'd get a little time off after my orgo test Friday, but it seems that Saturday morning/afternoon (depending on when I get up :P) I'm going up to the Woodlands to catch up on all the engi math I've fallen behind on due to all my orgo studying. (for that test Tuesday) Ah, and just when I thought I'd get a break there....here comes the phys test that I will be studying for from Tuesday til Friday. Then, after much toil, I do get a break. Which makes me happy. Very happy. YAY. Ooh, why am I even writing this? I need to be studying. Oops. Byebye.

:-(

You know that feeling you get when you do something that comes from the back of your mind and you just type it and don't really know exactly what you're saying? And you look back and you read it and somehow it makes sense and you feel a little bit better because you got something out that wasn't really bothering you and isn't truly the way you feel, but it's that little nagging thing that you think about every once in a while? I shouldn't do that anymore, because when people do the same in response to me...it sucks a lot and makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I think I might start another blog besides this one with a random name just to post stuff like that on. I dunno, that way I could get it out and say it but it wouldn't be something people would read so I wouldn't hurt anyone and so no one would hurt me. Perhaps thats a good idea.

Ever dislike someone so much that just so much as seeing them makes you want to explode? That hearing about their well-being makes you angry? That knowing that somehow there is someone out there who could like them gives you a feeling of utter confusion? This "you are the most terrible person in the world" mentality doesn't come from nowhere. It stems from something, and I believe that it will be there until something changes. A lot has changed, granted - and that I am thankful for because I don't think my situation would be the same had nothing changed. Maybe I'm just stingy or something, because as thankful as I am (perhaps I haven't expressed my gratitude as much as I mean to) it seems that it still isn't good enough. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I'm a giant hypocrite, but I guess I can't stop the way I feel. And right now I feel like what "should be good enough" isn't. Every time I see it i get angry, every time I get angry I leave and every time I leave all I can think about is the past. And I see it again. And again and again, every time it's "different" but every time it's the same.

I think that a "fresh start" is impossible, life is tainted and molded by the past, the past is what keeps you from doing things you would want to, the past is what makes you do things you don't. I don't think "forgive and forget" exists either. It pretends to, or rather, a person pretends to, may even actually forgive, but the incident is never forgotten. There is always that thought in the back of one's mind... "They did it before, what's stopping them from doing it again?" This is the biggest factor in tainting the past I think. Stupid decisions that are "forgiven and forgotten" but not really. I think people believe that they are forgotten, but there still is the underlying resentment, even if it's just a tiny bit. I think that people enjoy the pain that comes with failure, otherwise they wouldn't screw up so often.

I think that I have no idea what I just wrote...it came and went without my mind processing it. Take that as you will....

Apparently I thrive on pity, have a terrible fear of being alone and am constantly in a state where something is wrong - physically/mentally.

Comments welcome. *shrug* What've I got to lose?

I just read Brittnee's latest blog...wow chica where did that come from??? hehe freakin' awesome. I had to say something about it, I just had to. :P For those of you too lazy to click on the link....shame on you I'm not going to steal it from her. Click on the damn link. CLICK ON IT! Oh, and Jason: you need to update. I'm tired of looking at the really old blog. Blake...you too. The angry Amanda post is old :P So hah!

I don't want to finish my paper. I'm at the 3 and 1/2 page point and I'm stuck. I really need to finish it because I've got physics to do and I want to get it to Blake so he can look over it without being rushed or annoyed. *sigh* This is why I'm an engineer and not a "liberal arts/social science" major. A few of us were talking about the term 'social science'. But I'm not going to get into that now. Instead I'm going to make myself finish my paper. Yes, finish the paper, Heather, finish the paper....

Is gratuity the right word?

I've decided that people call far too much attention to themselves. I really wish my digital camera still worked. In fact, I might buy a new one. I think I am going to set up a photo blog based on the pictures of terribly gratuitous things. This started as my comment of "the gratuitous truck of the day" speaking about all of the giant, jacked up, 'penis compensating' trucks out there with the bars and the lights and god knows what else. I might see them as slightly less gratuitous if they weren't squeaky fucking clean. I mean these trucks have never even seen dirt. *sigh* Yes, this is how it started. And then came the creepy lady who must've been in her late 30s to early 40s (ie supposed to be professional and....in the workforce) with bright pink hair. I mean hot pink and down near her waist. She became gratuitous person #1. Now I search for these people, vehicles, and other gratuitous things, hoping to find them and wishing I had a camera. So if you see a link go up on the side of my blog or in my profile, click on it...it might be funny....or at the least....gratuitous :P

You've had warning.

Ok, Haloscan = not working....guess I'll have to use retard Blogger comments. *sigh*

Dammit, I wanted to change the look of my blog...that's it...and now....all my old comments.....GONE. POOF! Grrrr stupid not knowing html....oh well...I guess I'll have to start fresh....here we go again.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

How Many Licks...?

A group of engineering students from Purdue University recorded that their licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. They tried the same licking test on 20 volunteers and found that the average licks to the center were 252 licks.

A chemical engineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recorded that his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per Tootsie Pop.

A group of students at Swathmore School used human lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took an average of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Based on the wide range of results from these scientific studies, it is clear that the world may never know how many licks it really takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

Figured I'd update...it seems necessary. Class is going suprisingly well so far... I'm impressed. I've been studying and doing my work and trying to keep up; and thus far it's been working and I feel like I comprehend everything I need to be comprehending. I need to look over some Orgo stuff cuz we learned some new structure diagrams (I think that's what they're called) yesterday, and I have to finish my lab to turn in tomorrow, and I need to finish my engi math stuff, but I think I can do the last two pretty quickly and then spend some quality time with my giant orgo book doing examples to make sure I understand. Because understanding is good.

Ok, so that was the "nerd" section of my post...where I talk about class and HW and stuff...

I think I've realized some important feelings/emotions in the last few days. I've realized what it's like to push a choice and get nowhere and then give up and stop pushing and somehow it all falls into place. I've realized what it's like to feel guilty about not feeling guilty (think about that one, I think it makes sense?) I've realized that maybe the past should be put there and the future should stay there...and maybe I should just live for the moment because that's all I really have. I think the more that I start to look to the future and try to mold it into what I want to be and where I want to be and what I want to be doing the more I screw it up. Maybe that's "something" telling me that I should stop trying to fuck with things and just go. Stop uncertainties and decide...all that kind of thing.

Have you ever heard about something and felt bad about what happened and then you hear who it's about and you don't feel bad anymore? Is that "wrong"? Yes, I'm being vague. No it's probably not what you're thinking. Comments welcome. Really.