Grr, I did a stupid girl thing. I hate when I do stupid girl things. Like when you say something, and you kinda expect an answer, and then you don't get the answer you expect and then you get upset because you didn't get the answer you expected and you shouldn't be, because people can give whatever answer they want, but you are, because you think you should have gotten a different , "better" answer. So then it ruins your day. It really is just like setting yourself up for failure. Because really, you won't get the better answer. I should know that by now.

So Christmas went by. I kind of didn't really notice, other than the addition of my super awesome digital camera to the "things I will eventually accidentally break" list. Andrea and I have just been kinda chillin' at the apartment, when we don't have to work that is...
Katie came and stayed the 27-28. That was cool, I miss that kid ;) We went to a hookah bar, and I would have taken pictures, but I left the battery to my said super awesome camera on the freakin' charger. So no pics from that. All I have is the pic from when we went to Bennigans. And the table of guys slightly across the room kept staring at us. Heh, we got a laugh out of that.




Katie. Yeah, she gets more phone calls than anyone I know. Freakin' crazy.






Yeah, so that's about all that has happened lately. A few small get togethers that I wouldn't consider "parties", a few drunken nights, and not much else to tell. Oh, and I got a new job.

Merry Christmas!

To everyone :-) None of this PC "Happy Holiday" stuff. Merry fuckin' Christmas. And Happy New Year to those of you I don't talk to before then. Heh, last year it almost was "snowing" on Christmas Eve, this year it's gonna be 70 degrees tomorrow. Crazy, eh? I thought so.

Andrea and I have a bet placed for events leading up to Monday. Sadly, we both think the same thing will occur (or won't occur rather), so I guess it isn't really a bet. But we'll both be absolutely dumbfounded if we're wrong.

My parents got me a box of thongs for Christmas. I find that a little weird. *shrug* hehe oh well, they're cute. Comment and tell me what you guys got, especially if it's kinda weird. :-D

Ahh, and I also now have the prettiest ears around ;-) Nothing like well selected shiny sparkly things to make a girl smile.

I started a new book today- A Million Little Pieces - and I've found I can't put it down. Conrad was reading it when he came down to see Tyler, and he said it was good. Then Andrea and I saw it at the store and she said she heard it was good...so we bought it. And it's good. It makes me realize just how much I don't understand. How much I probably never will. I don't see how someone can lose themselves so deeply. Swirling downward in a haze of drugs and booze. How anyone could think that waking up every morning to a toilet full of vomit is better than...well...not. I suppose once the downward spiral begins the momentum keeps one going, but I guess that isn't something I'm capable of understanding. Or that I really want to understand perhaps. I was going to write a bunch more, but I don't feel like it anymore. Read the book if you get the chance, that's my opinion.

I need a real pet...

then there would be someone there all the time when I was sad. Gotta love the unconditional love that comes with the trust of an animal. Not to mention a cat you can train like a dog would be the coolest. And it would put an end to those cold lonely nights...My cat would totally be potty trained too. I'd even consider getting the little button they can jump down on to flush. Man, I need a hobby...

Even Fiji can't fix me now...

I hurt. Body, mind and soul. I guess that's what failing miserably at the one thing you've spent the last 2.5 years on does to you. I'm not a nerd anymore...I'm too dumb to be called that now. For all the times I've talked about how much I hate the engineering program, how terrible it is...at least I was getting to do what I wanted to do. Perhaps I took that for granted. Now I can't even do that. Now I have to search and find something that is what I least-don't-want-to-do instead of being in what I do want to do. Now I have to settle for misery ending in misery instead of choosing misery with excitement at the end. Now I have that feeling that I know I'll look back in years and sadly say "What if I were just a little smarter? Where would I be now?" instead of being there. Sure, you can say I'm looking at it the wrong way, that I could be happy in some other major. You can say it all you want. The point is, I found where I wanted to be, and now I can't be there. And that is the biggest failure to me. And it's my failure. And that means I've failed. That I'm not as good as I wanted to be, that I didn't meet my goals...that I'm the loser who had to give up. I don't like being that person. And when I do have to find my new major, every class I take will remind me of my failures. Every single one. When I'm taking "Intro to Bullshit 101", I'll be sitting in class thinking about how I should be in transport or bioanalytics or thermo. How I should be integrating and deriving, not memorizing and regurgitating. How I should be making a difference, not adding to the bueracracy that I've tried to circumvent. Perhaps that is a naive thought, to think I could singlehandedly make a difference, but at least I could do something to help people through instead of standing in their way. I should be in a labcoat...not a business suit. Creating solutions, not problems. That's where I belong. I just don't fit into the business world. But I guess that doesn't matter to the people who key the D's and the F's into the system. They're just there to push the buttons...I'm nothing but a SSN to them. Who would've thought this would happen to me...guess I always thought it would just be someone else I'd be feeling bad for.

I feel weird. Like something is out of place. Or like I should be somewhere or doing something or permanently like I'm forgetting something. I think it's because I've been so so so busy lately, especially with the projects, that now that they're done and all I have left is actual studying (hah, I say that like it's trivial...I WISH) a large part of what I've been spending all my time on is gone. But even before that, something just feels...odd. I wish I knew what it was. Perhaps the impending holidays and my lack of plans. And sadly, my lack of wanting plans really. I think I'd be happy just sleeping through them. Driving to look at the Christmas lights and then just not dealing with it. I wish I could go somewhere where it wasn't bitterly cold, but just cold enough for snow. And not even a lot of snow, I'd be happy with like 2 inches. Just somewhere that it was pretty, where I could wake up Christmas Day and really say I had a white Christmas. I'm tired of here. I'm tired of now, too. I want elsewhere...and later...I guess the grass is always greener...I should take a vacation. If only I had somewhere to go, right?

Leavin' on a jet plane

Arrgggghhhhh. People make me angry. I shouldn't have to choose. I don't make them choose. Maybe that's why I always leave. To make it easier for them. 'Cuz it sure as hell isn't fantastically great for me all the time. Stupid choosing. But I guess it's my fault. Like everything. Like always.

It always comes down to this: it'd be so much better if I were in Fiji. It's all about the hammocks, the coconut shell cups with the little flowers and the boat-mail. Ahh, yes. Boat-mail. One day that's what I'll have to look forward to. For at least a week, dammit.

Don't you hate when you can't sleep...

and you need to? When it's too late to be able to churn out something productive, but you lay in bed and counting the number of times the fan spins around suddenly becomes the most interesting thing in the universe? Also, why is it people you don't like always have to be at places you do like? I mean, Christ, do they just want the awkwardness? Anyway, the (billions of) projects are well underway. The finals studying, unfortunately, is not. Due to the massive projectness. BUT, it's ok. Because I am going to totally rock my finals and my professors are going to be SO in awe they can't help but give me A's. Or something like that. Hey, all B's would rock my world too. And to the point of no return even. But I now have eye-rubbing sleepy feelings, so perhaps that is my cue to finally get to go to bed. I can't wait for Dec. 14th at 5pm. CAN'T EFFIN' WAIT. Oh, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the 18th is gonna be freakin' awesome too. Yay! :)