Awaiting the fireworks

So Christmas is over, the presents all given and recieved, the food all eaten (except a little strawberry pie I'm hiding in the back of the fridge hehehe). I think I'm better off than I was before Christmas, in pretty much every way possible. It's amazing to me how just a holiday can make things better. Just the "spirit" of Christmas can bring a person from tears of worry and sadness to tears of joy. This Christmas was kind of odd though. It felt like Christmas, but at the same time...it didn't. I really missed my Grandma this year...it's odd to me how she's been gone almost 3 years. It seems like barely 6 months ago to me... everything has been moving so quickly. I look back and my head is spinning at everything I've missed. There are so many more things I've wanted to do by now...I want to slow time so that I can go through and enjoy every beautiful thing that confronts me. I feel like I'm being shoved through a small hole and told that my only objective, my only focus, is BME. I am to have no life, no free time, no friends. I realized over the break that my best friend...the person that I talked to about everything up until college...that I hadn't seen her in 6 months. I found that ridiculous. I know that I'm supposed to be moving beyond everything, but... to leave a best friend behind? Sometimes I look at the path I am leading and wonder if anyone will even be there at the end. In 3, 5 ,10 years, will there be anyone there? I hope so. I've been wondering if the path I have taken is the right one for me. Should I really be an engineer? I mean, come on, look at me...do I look like an "aspiring ENGINEER"??? I don't know what else I would do, but sometimes I think I'm making a bad choice. It's not a very good feeling. Being somewhere you aren't sure you want to be...with nowhere else you want to go... I know what I don't want, but somehow that doesn't narrow it down enough. I just hope I don't end up at the end of a dark tunnel with nothing surrounding me but blank faces and shattered dreams.

So this whole "break" thing...I don't think it understands what it is. It's supposed to be a time between mass schoolwork in which I don't do too much of anything and just kinda sit around and relax and be happy. Well, the break decided to say "fuck you Heather". The first few days were good, but after that it's been filled with lack of sleeping, sleeping pill and anti-twitch cocktails to go to sleep and appointments. Oh, and I found out I'm anemic too. Apparently quite a bit so. That's why (up until a few days ago) I'd been sleeping so much I guess. So the lady told me some stuff to eat and some stuff to drink and etc etc etc, so that's gonna get worked on sometime too. I'm tired of dealing with things, I'm tired of things being my fault, I'm tired of being a terrible person, I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired...of being tired. Oh, and Merry Christmas. And if anyone wishes me a Happy Christmahanukwanzmekah I'll kill them. Stupid commercial. I think Blake might have been right, it's going to be the next damn Hallmark holdiay. If they don't sue them for stealing it.....

Ever seen that Christmas story where you have Coldmeiser and Heatmieser? And everything Coldmeiser touches turns to ice and everything Heatmeiser touches melts? Separate, they brought pretty much destruction...but ever wonder what would happen if they both touched the same thing at the same time? Interesting question. Yes, this has purpose... I'm getting there. I think sometimes people don't see things like these. They see the small picture, the petty arguments, the stupid bad things, but don't look at what happens when everything combines. I do it too, and I really should stop. What I'm trying to say is, perhaps we should stand back and look before us, at what we have had part in creating. I know you're probably saying "oh god please don't say we should join hands and sing Kumbaya" No, that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that as of late I think I have missed out on a lot of beautiful and wonderful things that have happened both around me and to me. I have taken words for granted, and only realized this when they were not spoken. I have taken small things that I really do appreciate for granted, once again not realizing until they are removed. I miss them when they are gone, and once they return I cherish them so much more. People as well, though sometimes I don't act it...my apologies for this. I miss people a lot when they're gone...

2 down 2 to go!

2 finals...over! just 2 more on Tuesday and I'm all done. About freakin' time....

So I'm at home to see my puppy, she got home from the vet Tuesday with her heartworm stuff and this is the first chance I've had to come check on her. She's doing really well, which makes me happy :-D

That's pretty much all for now I guess. Going to Jason's Christmas party for his job tomara, that should be fun. :) I miss getting to do stuff like that, especially with him. It's a nice change :-D
Then back to studying... :(

1 down 3 to go!

So the orgo final. Over. YAAY! And, not to jinx it, but I think I did well. I hope so, I could use the A. Definitely. Next up...engi math. That one could be a bit more difficult, especially since everyone I know that I could study with in the class is...lets say "not doing so well." I wish I knew those smart people who sit in the front and always make A's. FUCK THEM. The assholes. >:( But anyway, I have to do well on my physics final too, if I want the B or maybe MAYBE (slim chance in hell) the B+ that I'm wishing for. Stupid physucks. Grrr. Stupid of stupidness.

So that's about all that's going on. My dog went in to the vet today for her heartworm treatment (that's the price for picking up a stray) but she's so worth it. She's the sweetest thing ever :) even if she doesn't listen too well sometimes. They said she can come home tomorrow or maybe Wednesday depending on how she is, but that so far she's doing really well. Poor pup :( I hope she gets to go home soon.