Grr, I did a stupid girl thing. I hate when I do stupid girl things. Like when you say something, and you kinda expect an answer, and then you don't get the answer you expect and then you get upset because you didn't get the answer you expected and you shouldn't be, because people can give whatever answer they want, but you are, because you think you should have gotten a different , "better" answer. So then it ruins your day. It really is just like setting yourself up for failure. Because really, you won't get the better answer. I should know that by now.

So Christmas went by. I kind of didn't really notice, other than the addition of my super awesome digital camera to the "things I will eventually accidentally break" list. Andrea and I have just been kinda chillin' at the apartment, when we don't have to work that is...
Katie came and stayed the 27-28. That was cool, I miss that kid ;) We went to a hookah bar, and I would have taken pictures, but I left the battery to my said super awesome camera on the freakin' charger. So no pics from that. All I have is the pic from when we went to Bennigans. And the table of guys slightly across the room kept staring at us. Heh, we got a laugh out of that.




Katie. Yeah, she gets more phone calls than anyone I know. Freakin' crazy.






Yeah, so that's about all that has happened lately. A few small get togethers that I wouldn't consider "parties", a few drunken nights, and not much else to tell. Oh, and I got a new job.

Merry Christmas!

To everyone :-) None of this PC "Happy Holiday" stuff. Merry fuckin' Christmas. And Happy New Year to those of you I don't talk to before then. Heh, last year it almost was "snowing" on Christmas Eve, this year it's gonna be 70 degrees tomorrow. Crazy, eh? I thought so.

Andrea and I have a bet placed for events leading up to Monday. Sadly, we both think the same thing will occur (or won't occur rather), so I guess it isn't really a bet. But we'll both be absolutely dumbfounded if we're wrong.

My parents got me a box of thongs for Christmas. I find that a little weird. *shrug* hehe oh well, they're cute. Comment and tell me what you guys got, especially if it's kinda weird. :-D

Ahh, and I also now have the prettiest ears around ;-) Nothing like well selected shiny sparkly things to make a girl smile.

I started a new book today- A Million Little Pieces - and I've found I can't put it down. Conrad was reading it when he came down to see Tyler, and he said it was good. Then Andrea and I saw it at the store and she said she heard it was good...so we bought it. And it's good. It makes me realize just how much I don't understand. How much I probably never will. I don't see how someone can lose themselves so deeply. Swirling downward in a haze of drugs and booze. How anyone could think that waking up every morning to a toilet full of vomit is better than...well...not. I suppose once the downward spiral begins the momentum keeps one going, but I guess that isn't something I'm capable of understanding. Or that I really want to understand perhaps. I was going to write a bunch more, but I don't feel like it anymore. Read the book if you get the chance, that's my opinion.

I need a real pet...

then there would be someone there all the time when I was sad. Gotta love the unconditional love that comes with the trust of an animal. Not to mention a cat you can train like a dog would be the coolest. And it would put an end to those cold lonely nights...My cat would totally be potty trained too. I'd even consider getting the little button they can jump down on to flush. Man, I need a hobby...

Even Fiji can't fix me now...

I hurt. Body, mind and soul. I guess that's what failing miserably at the one thing you've spent the last 2.5 years on does to you. I'm not a nerd anymore...I'm too dumb to be called that now. For all the times I've talked about how much I hate the engineering program, how terrible it is...at least I was getting to do what I wanted to do. Perhaps I took that for granted. Now I can't even do that. Now I have to search and find something that is what I least-don't-want-to-do instead of being in what I do want to do. Now I have to settle for misery ending in misery instead of choosing misery with excitement at the end. Now I have that feeling that I know I'll look back in years and sadly say "What if I were just a little smarter? Where would I be now?" instead of being there. Sure, you can say I'm looking at it the wrong way, that I could be happy in some other major. You can say it all you want. The point is, I found where I wanted to be, and now I can't be there. And that is the biggest failure to me. And it's my failure. And that means I've failed. That I'm not as good as I wanted to be, that I didn't meet my goals...that I'm the loser who had to give up. I don't like being that person. And when I do have to find my new major, every class I take will remind me of my failures. Every single one. When I'm taking "Intro to Bullshit 101", I'll be sitting in class thinking about how I should be in transport or bioanalytics or thermo. How I should be integrating and deriving, not memorizing and regurgitating. How I should be making a difference, not adding to the bueracracy that I've tried to circumvent. Perhaps that is a naive thought, to think I could singlehandedly make a difference, but at least I could do something to help people through instead of standing in their way. I should be in a labcoat...not a business suit. Creating solutions, not problems. That's where I belong. I just don't fit into the business world. But I guess that doesn't matter to the people who key the D's and the F's into the system. They're just there to push the buttons...I'm nothing but a SSN to them. Who would've thought this would happen to me...guess I always thought it would just be someone else I'd be feeling bad for.

I feel weird. Like something is out of place. Or like I should be somewhere or doing something or permanently like I'm forgetting something. I think it's because I've been so so so busy lately, especially with the projects, that now that they're done and all I have left is actual studying (hah, I say that like it's trivial...I WISH) a large part of what I've been spending all my time on is gone. But even before that, something just feels...odd. I wish I knew what it was. Perhaps the impending holidays and my lack of plans. And sadly, my lack of wanting plans really. I think I'd be happy just sleeping through them. Driving to look at the Christmas lights and then just not dealing with it. I wish I could go somewhere where it wasn't bitterly cold, but just cold enough for snow. And not even a lot of snow, I'd be happy with like 2 inches. Just somewhere that it was pretty, where I could wake up Christmas Day and really say I had a white Christmas. I'm tired of here. I'm tired of now, too. I want elsewhere...and later...I guess the grass is always greener...I should take a vacation. If only I had somewhere to go, right?

Leavin' on a jet plane

Arrgggghhhhh. People make me angry. I shouldn't have to choose. I don't make them choose. Maybe that's why I always leave. To make it easier for them. 'Cuz it sure as hell isn't fantastically great for me all the time. Stupid choosing. But I guess it's my fault. Like everything. Like always.

It always comes down to this: it'd be so much better if I were in Fiji. It's all about the hammocks, the coconut shell cups with the little flowers and the boat-mail. Ahh, yes. Boat-mail. One day that's what I'll have to look forward to. For at least a week, dammit.

Don't you hate when you can't sleep...

and you need to? When it's too late to be able to churn out something productive, but you lay in bed and counting the number of times the fan spins around suddenly becomes the most interesting thing in the universe? Also, why is it people you don't like always have to be at places you do like? I mean, Christ, do they just want the awkwardness? Anyway, the (billions of) projects are well underway. The finals studying, unfortunately, is not. Due to the massive projectness. BUT, it's ok. Because I am going to totally rock my finals and my professors are going to be SO in awe they can't help but give me A's. Or something like that. Hey, all B's would rock my world too. And to the point of no return even. But I now have eye-rubbing sleepy feelings, so perhaps that is my cue to finally get to go to bed. I can't wait for Dec. 14th at 5pm. CAN'T EFFIN' WAIT. Oh, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the 18th is gonna be freakin' awesome too. Yay! :)

I got my hat :) Well, kinda. It's a different one, but still an awesome fedora. So I'm happy. The next 2 weeks are going to be SO uber busy. 2 design projects, a presentation and a paper due Monday, a final Wednesday, a *HARD* final Friday, another *HARD* final Tuesday and a final that shouldn't be difficult but will be Wednesday. And then I'm going to party. From Wednesday night til the 19th, when I start working again. I say that, but I'll probably just sleep ;) With some booze in there someplace. I don't think Danaca would let me get away with that one. Or Andrea for that matter.

So, sadly, I'm already thinking about next semester. And the suckiness that is to ensue there. Perhaps I should go back to NSM and be a chem or bio major or something. Ugh. I dun wanna. Do anything, that is. BIOE made me happy until it wasn't Biomedical, it was just ECE with some CHEE thrown in. I think the curriculum is kind of dumb and doesn't flow or make sense. It's just a lot of random classes on 2 opposite ends of the spectrum. They need to PICK ONE. Or let us choose which specification we want. Grr. I guess it's a bit late for that now. They're having a "curriculum meeting" next week. Perhaps they'll tell us then just exactly what kind of degree this is supposed to be other than the "we procrastinated and don't want to pay professors to teach undergrad classes even though we don't really have much of a graduate program either" major. Something different would be....grrrreat. *sigh* Enough ranting. I'm going to be happy and enjoy my Christmastime and enjoy my new hat and get thru the next exactly 2 weeks. And then I'm going to enjoy my break and enjoy everything about not being in class for awhile. Then it will be ok to go back to miserable and stressed and full of sadness and worries. But right now I'm listening to Christmas music and wearing my hat and drinking my grape Dr. Pepper and being happy.

And here's a pic of the coolest BIOE chicks ever. (no offense to the other BIOE chicks)

sigh. The end of the semester is near. Only 3 to 4 more sessions for each class. Then finals. As much as I'm ready....I'm SO not. So much to study for, so many projects. So much time consuming stuff and so little time to do it.

Happierly, last weekend was fun. Tyler's friend Conrad flew in from Canada, and we all hung out. Friday we saw the new Harry Potter on the IMAX screen. Talk about huge! It was good, they're getting a bit darker as they progress. Saturday my review was cancelled, and we went to Space Center Houston. Tyler proceeded to break a space machine...sigh, what am I going to do with him? ;) They all went out for a (21+) night on the town, so I called up some buddies (Andrea, Lindsey, Kathleen, Brett and Andrea's friend Anu) and we went hookahing. Is that a word? Anyway, apple hookah is awesome. Yes, easier than breathing air, I must admit.


Andrea and I seeing who could get the hookah first. Sadly, she won. Guess I'm just not buff enough ;)












Once Andi gave it up...











We were going to go to some party downtown, but ended up back at my apartment boozing instead. An hour or 2 later Tyler, Conrad, Travis, Kim and Stuart showed up. Rather pre-boozed, I might add. Heh, then "some funny stuff happened" that wouldn't be considered PG, so you can ask about it if you want to know ;). And our fire extinguisher almost got sprayed. On someone else. That was a close one teehee. Sunday was a boring day, I worked with my groups on my fluid mechanics and then thermodynamics projects. Woo, fun, only not. Ooh, and yesterday we saw Walk the Line and I got a big green monkey. In fact, I got the biggest, brightest one at the MarqE :) He's the coolest, as is his picker-outer, eh? His name, at least temporarily, is Jim the Monkey.

And that was my weekend. One of the more exciting in quite some time. That makes me happy :-D I needed a good relaxing weekend.

Oh, and I finally got the pics from Holley when we went to Target and tried on hats. Friggin' awesome.






Man, if I only had somewhere to wear this hat.

You know when your head is so teeming with thoughts that you find yourself unable to grasp even one of them? Those nights when you lie awake in the darkness, staring at nothing without realizing it? Those days that seem to pass without ever existing? Or the ones where a minute seems like an eternity as you wait and wait for something that is never to come? Decisions are the worst part of every day, especially the important ones. Especially the hard important ones. Especially the hard important ones that you feel you are walking into rather blindly. Then again, what is life without antagonizing anticipation of that which is probably never to happen?

Yes, I'm rambling. No, there isn't an explanation. At least most likely not.

Just call me the cab driver...or razorblade

That's how it feels. I'm like the person who comes into the life of another, in one way or another helps them from A to B, and then is gone. Perhaps it's my fault, I'm sure that is what a lot of other people would say if I hadn't. But I dunno, sometimes it seems like that's all I'm good for. I'm the friend who makes you feel better for awhile, gives you a shoulder to cry on when you need it, but isn't good enough for anymore. Or the girlfriend who is easily replacable by some hotter girl who has less opinion. That's the word...disposable. Once I get dull I get thrown in the trash. Of course there are exceptions I suppose. Those few few FEW people who, even if you don't talk regularly are pretty much ALWAYS there for you. But for the most part, every few years it's to the trash can for me. Where I proceed to start anew I suppose. And so I ask myself (and everyone reading this), is this something most people experience, or is it just me?

So, I have decided that "chick flicks" are bad. Not because there's no bloody, gory death. That (or the lack of) is fine with me. They are bad because people are SO not like that. I mean I guess that's obvious, but walking out of a movie and wanting to be surprised by champagne and a bed of rose petals or being blindfolded and brought to a rooftop for a candle-lit dinner complete with violin player or something like that? WHO GETS THAT? If you do, let me know, because I think you really live in like 1800. Maybe. Or in a movie. For real. Anyway, this just came about because of a conversation I was having, and I thought I should post about it. Movies like that lead to far to high of expectations for guys. (no offense) But for real. Guys don't even buy flowers (unless they're in trouble or someone tells them that they will be in trouble if they don't buy them), not to mention spending the time to spread them over a room, haha! But don't worry, girls are just as bad. They just dream up all the stuff and then expect it without saying anything, only to be let down because, as I've heard, guys can't read minds. Imagine that...

Yeah, I think that's all. Let's see what everyone has to say about this one. (that means comment)

This weekend was pretty uneventful again. Had an exam and class Saturday. Tried a new restaurant, Maggiano's, it was really good. Then watched a movie. Isn't that the most exciting day ever? Thought so. Today was nice, slept in and such. Went to dinner with the parents & grandparents. They got to meet Tyler, which made them happy I guess. Pretty uneventful. They don't hate each other ;) Yeah, I think that's all. Now I'm pretending to study. I really want the semester to be over *sigh* It's getting to be that time in the semester. It also sucks that school is basically all I have to talk about. Guess that's what I get for being a nerd.

So, not too much new here. This week was filled with...blah. Note: if you are going to do a juice fast, find a better one than the one I found. Definitely. So yeah, that was not my brightest idea ever. Saw a special preview of Jarhead Tuesday, kind of by accident and good timing. And that's about it, other than some studying. Right now some jackass is blaring his terrible sounding, rattling base in the parking lot of my apartment complex. Douchebag. Anyway, so tomorrow morning is my circuits exam. This class seems a lot dumber the second time around. And the people in it are definitely a lot dumber. Then I have Saturday class to make up for the hurricane. I've decided that Rita was the worst idea ever. ugh. I have Saturday class for one class or another every Saturday til finals. Except next Saturday. That's (just) my fluids exam. So many exams all at one time. Bastards. But it's ok, I'm not bitter.

I want to go talk to the director of my program and be like "what the fuck are we going to end up with when we graduate?" Because I think what he will tell me will be interesting. Either complete bullshit or "you're expected to go into grad school, unfortunately our program is so ass-backwards the only place you can go is here" Only I guess he wouldn't tell me that...eh. But it would be interesting to see what he thinks the program gears us for. I say...nothing. That's why I'm thinking I'm gonna switch out. We'll see.

I think that's all. It's been a pretty uneventful week. Oh, Jarhead was good, by the way. I recommend it, if you like that type of movie. And even if you don't it might still be interesting *shrug* Oh, and birthday cake ice cream still rocks. But someone ate all my spray whipped cream, though it may have been me. But I don't think it was...*absent minded*

Oh, and go here and watch Foamy. He (among other things) cheers me up when I'm feelin' down. Maybe there's a squirrel on campus like him. I just keep hoping :-P

Well, this weekend proved to be fun and completely non productive. It was great :) Last weekend like that for a while most likely. Friday I went with a few people to Jefferson Davis Hospital (which has been turned into townhomes, by the way) There was a roof party, which was cool, nothing scary or haunted happened though. Then we went to Humble to another party, where JP proceeded to pass out. So we let him chill for awhile and Eetion and uh...other people? carried him to the car where he vomited on Anne Marie (poor girl) Got home around 530 I think? Saturday was Chaney's (sp?) party that Tyler brought me to. Yay for Tinkerbell. And tall stripper shoes. It was a fun night :) I only have a few pictures right now, hopefully I'll get more soon.






Left to right: Andrea, Brandon, Dr. Dude?, Chaney, Travis, Kim, me, Tyler













Tyler, Kim & Travis. Boob grabbing galore ;)







Sunday was nice and relaxing. Well lazy explains it better. Left the couch-bed long enough to go to IHOP. And when I went home of course. It was a sleepy, comfy day. And now it's Monday and there is much to do.

*~~~~~~~~~~Edit~~~~~~~~~*
I have more pics now, so here goes! :)




Tyler and me. Too bad you can't see the Canadian flag belt...













Kim and her poison apple. It wasn't the alcohol, promise!









Waiting for a cab. It was cold outside, especially for such a scanty costume, no? My wings kept me warm ;)














And of course, the stripper shoes. I didn't fall ONCE at the party! :) Be proud.

*sigh*

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability |||||| 23% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 53% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||| 30% Religious |||||| 30% Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 63% Materialism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Work ethic |||||||||||| 43% Self absorbed |||||||||| 36% Conflict seeking ||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||| 30% Dependency |||||||||||||| 56% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||||| 56% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 64% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||| 57% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76% Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 63%

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
paranoid tendencies, irritable, anxious, fidgety, dependent, worrying, emotionally sensitive, prone to regret, depressed, second guesses self, somewhat fragile, dislikes change, prefers organized to unpredictable, suspicious, phobic, craves attention, not a risk taker, low self control, very sensitive to criticism, unadventurous, does not make friends easily, defensive, obsessive, low self esteem

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

How come they can't make these balanced? Like where they show the good part too? Instead of just "you're fucking crazy"

Dear Lidge-

You're fired.

-Houston


Now that that sweeping disaster is over...Backe is awesome. New favorite ;) They totally don't give him enough credit.

Ok, so now for the not baseball. This week has been kind of nice; not too much to do (comparatively), just some homework and such. The next few weeks though...gah. Doom. I fail to understand why professors feel they MUST schedule all exams at the same time. It fills me with anger. And stress. Apparently a lot of BME's are doing worse than I though. Which isn't good, obviously, but at least I know I'm not in this sinking boat alone. This weekend should be fun, halloween party with Tyler & Co. I'm Tinkerbell teeheehee. It will be probably my last bit of real free time 'til after finals. *sigh* Thinking about that sucks...especially since that is 10.29 and finals are over...12.14? Maybe I'll be able to afford a day or so of leisure during T-day break. And I don't consider camping leisure, by the way. (Though it is "in-tents" hehe, that was a stolen joke) I feel kind of bad because my mum asked me to shuttle them for the triathlon this weekend, but I said I was busy. Which, I mean...I am busy, technically...just more by choice. I also kind of feel bad b/c it's been like...2.5 months since Tyler and I kinda started dating I guess, and they still haven't met him. *shrug* That's a "long time" for them. But it's not my fault they go out of town when I don't have exams. Or that they're too lazy or busy or whatnot to drive down here. So I don't feel too bad about that I guess.

Blah, it's late. And I still have stuff to do. Sadness.

Wow, who makes this stuff?

According to our research, you'll be dead by

January 2063
at age 77
- probable cause -
cancer
YOU DIE: 76.9 years
AVERAGE FEMALE LIFE SPAN: 77.1 years
As you can plainly see, you have no more health & vitality than the average woman.

You have approximately 20914 days left on this earth.
You've already lived 26% of your life.

...You mean to tell me I've wasted over 1/4 of my life with nothing to show for it? Makes me want to take a nice long vacation to Fiji.

Ever get that "used" feeling? It kinda sucks.

Anyway, got 2 exams back today. Biomechanics, the one everyone thought they got a 30 on...well, it was graded out of 30. Heh, so that would have actually been nice. I think the prof closed one eye and squinted the other to grade it. And thinks we're really dumb. No one got below a 60 even though no one knew what they were doing. Fabulous. Did decent there. Then got my fluids exam back. I think my grade was a gift. Like, I didn't do wonderful but I was expecting a 40 or something. A couple people I know got 30's range, I feel bad for them :-/ But it was because they didn't put much/any effort, so I don't feel too bad. I was right at the average. AND, believe it or not, Fleischer CURVED *jaw drops*. Craziness. Apparently this class is just dumb. But I guess everyone being dumb is better (for me) than me failing. So I'll take dumb.

Someone left the balcony door open in my apartment. And the screen door to it as well. While no one was here. That makes me kind of angry for 2 reasons; 1- bugs and 2- dishonest theiving rapists. Especially since it's dark outside when I get home. I'm pretty well pissed off about it. At least enough to say something here without fear or care of whatever the person who did it is going to say to me.

I think I'm going to start doing some kind of exercise. I feel blah. And my cute pants are almost too tight. Bastards. I just haven't decided what yet. Or when the hell I'm gonna find time. Now I see why I swam so much before. Maybe that's why I was so freakin' hyper energetic. Which I think is really weird, even though I understand the mechanism behind it.

The 'stros better pick it up tomorrow thru Thursday. Kick Sox ass while the rules are ours. Like I said, Astros in 6. That means 4 in a row, guys. I know you can do it!

I've been practicing walking in my cute stripper shoes for Halloween. They look like this only they have ribbon that...laces? up my legs.



It was pretty funny when I bought them, the lady was like "are these for Halloween or...no?" to which I said "Yeah, just Halloween." I should have just said I was a stripper. It would have been funnier. To me at least.

Guess I'm always stuck in the middle, eh?

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (38% permissive) You are best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

In other news, fluids exam in 11 hours and 53 minutes. Then Chicago at 2 :) yay! Katie is coming to stay, at least last I heard. And, uh, relaxing after my bout with the uber exams. I kinda sorta get some time off :) But not really. I'm just going to pretend like I do for now. Ok, back for a little more studying.

Fluids sucks. I wish I could take the class but not the exams. It's really interesting, but my GPA is definitely mad at me for taking it. Thermo too. Man, this was supposed to be the "prove I can be a ChemE" semester. Suck. Maybe I should go back to biology. Eww. Can't say that wouldn't be a let down. Especially after all the math I've taken that I wouldn't use. And all the stupid people that I'd have to stab. Yep. Exam tomorrow, 10am.

Anyway, Andrea introduced me to Bowling for Soup. And they're awesome. Awesome. That is all.

Definitely a 'grrr' day...week...whatever

Just in case you were wondering, looking through page after page of hastily, badly done Excel spreadsheet for 80 billion different things....sucks. How hard is it to create a neat spreadsheet? I mean REALLY. It's not. Christ, when will people learn...if you're giving the SAME data just over different time frames...just make it the SAME FORMAT. And don't leave shit out yet expect me to have statistics for it. Dummies. I'd say 'worst spreadsheet ever' but then I'm sure someone would give me one that is worse and make me do something with it. So we'll just say bad. Annoyingly, time-wastingly bad. Oh, and making up your own abbreviations for medical terms is annoying too. They have STANDARD ABBREVIATIONS FOR EVERYTHING! I've known a lot of them for going on 4 years now. That means I learned them in highschool. You're a fuckin' RN. You should DEFINITELY know them. I bet you don't write in your charts like that. Otherwise, I bet every other RN on the floor hates you. Because no one would be able to read what the hell you are saying. Just like me. Thank goodness I'm done with the long one. Now just 2 'short' ones. Short being only 250 people (between the 2)instead of 1 with 420. And that, folks, is my random rant of the day.

Oh, but in other Heather's world news, I FINALLY got my iPod. It's fantastic. Yay me. I introduced Tyler to tapioca tea this evening. I think he liked the tea, but not the whole "chew your tea" idea. But it was pretty funny to watch anyway :) Maybe if it was more tea and just a lil tapioca it'd be better for him :P This week sucks so far. And it's just getting worse. Did decent on my circuits exam. Don't want to talk about my thermo exam. (that probably means don't ask about it) It sucks because I rather like the class, too. Or I did. Now I'm just angry when I think about it. Way to ruin something. Grr. I just need Saturday to come around. After noon. I'm going to see Chicago at 2. Then Katie is coming out at some point and staying til Sunday. I wish I could win cool stuff. Like the lottery, haha.

And now it's late and I have to be up early. Dammit. Oh, and I freakin' wanna see Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Tell me if you want to go too. Ticket stuff is on the site.

sweet delete.

Late-night blogging

seems to be quickly becoming a trend for me. One that should probably stop, since I have PLENTY to be doing. Yet here I sit, not really with much to say, with even less to say publicly, and with the hope of sleep soon settling in my mind. I saw A History of Violence, which I thought was pretty good. Weird, which added to the good. It had the guy from LOTR in it....Viggo Mor..somethin. It was definitely pushed to the graphic side, like in the first 5 minutes. Fluids is getting harder. Luckily I'm catching it in time to fix it. Get some help and whatnot. I hope. I started writing a little again. Not a lot, just enough to fill a few more pages.

A new beginning is just the end of an old one.

I want to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra when they come on Dec. 18th. I think that would be pretty awesome. Tickets aren't crazy expensive, and they're having 2 shows that day. I guess it's just the Christmas thing. The music is always pretty, and TSO just adds... "freakin' awesome" to it. *shrug* We'll see I guess.

I saw the solutions to my circuits exam. Bitchin' awesome. I don't remember what I did for the 1st question, but my answers are the same or extremely similar for the rest. Which is great. Maybe this time around I'll kick class ass instead of the other way 'round. Then again, it might not matter if I don't need it, eh?

Saw another play this weekend. On campus. I was a bit wary, but it was really good! Funny funny. Arms and the Man by George Bernard Shaw. I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. Only 2 plays left to see this semester. Maybe 3 if I find time. That one's a little iffy. I want to see Chicago too. Might get some not-so-freakin-expensive seats to that one and go see it sometime soon. Haven't decided yet.

I'm not looking forward to my thermo exam. I will be taking it 12 hours from now. :( Nobody knows what really to expect from Dr. Economou...nobody. *sigh* Such is life I suppose. Today was an unhappy day. Not really a bad day, just unhappy. I think I irritated people without meaning to. :-/ Good intentions, bad follow through I suppose. Guess I'll see tomorrow.

This made me laugh though. Just one more reason people from Rice are super plus nerdy. But it was worth the non-studying time to read it. I recommend clicking. I found another interesting site, but the link is not handy and I don't feel like looking for it right now. It was a cool zero-grav water drop thing. Complete with video. I'll look for it some other time maybe.

Andrea is going to be coaching a Special Olympics team. I thought that was cool, though something I could (or would) never do. Crazy awesome dedication to something like that. So happy birthday (yesterday) and mad props to her for being super awesome.

I can't wait for the 22nd to come and go so that I can almost have a little time to relax. Exam after exam after exam make Heather go crazy...crazier. Whatever. :-P I was promised an instant 'just add water' degree. Waiting for that one. :) In just over a month is Thanksgiving break. The most looked forward to and necessary non-break of the semester. Coming back unwillingly to many end-of-semester-tie-it-all-together-projects and then finals. Its a little saddening that like 40-50% of my grade comes from a 3 week span. Oye. My parents want me to drive out to BFE and go camping for T-day. Not so keen on that one. Kinda sucks. We'll see if these make believe plans really develop. Here's to hoping not. But I'll play good daughter if they do anyway most likely. Unless the to do list gets past my eyeballs. To the eyeballs is doable. Past...well then I can't see anymore ;-)

So I have almost a little free time in the midst of my uber busy day today. So I thought I'd post. My circuits exam went...eerily well. I'm kind of scared about that. You shouldn't walk out of an exam all...confident. Bad news bears. We'll see. My professor takes off points for existence, so even if I did well I could still do bad...if that makes sense. The last week or so has been really busy and the next few are looking to be even moreso. And then I get a break in December. Kind of. Maybe. At least it will be a month or so of something easier. Oh, and a new request. Since I tend to forget "important" things when I get busy. When you see me, just every so often, not every time because then I'll go nuts...ask me the last time I ate real food. I might not answer...or remember, it's just more to make sure I don't forget to eat for a few days. Cuz we all know that it isn't at the top of my 'remember-to-do' list. Yeah, I'm forgetful. Maybe I should write it in my planner. Then I'd remember. Maybe.
Going to see another play tomorrow. Yay :) Another exam Tueday. *eek* Nobody knows what to expect from the professor. Not good. Not good at all. But, I suppose we shall see soon enough, eh? My cool shirt got shipped out. It's gonna be here soon! Sooner than my iPod. *sigh*

This time tomorrow my circuits exam will be over. Man, am I ever worried about it. I already took this exam once...but Dr. Dave is going to prove to be a much more difficult professor I think. Which sucks. Circuits is just really dumb to me. I hate studying for something and feeling like I'm wasting my time. It makes me want to go do the other, more important 20 billion things I need to do. But I have to do well in this class this time. Bastards. They should have let me through the first time. I was close. Ok, well I guess that's enough bitching from me.

Andrea's b-day is Monday. I don't think she's doing anything, but I never know. hehe, people don't tell me what's going on, they just tell me to show up. It's great. I guess they think I'm too absent-minded to actually remember what I'm doing or why. This semester has finally and officially been proven "overly busy". When your friend calls you and asks is she can come chill for a few days...and you say "hold on let me look in my planner" you know you're way too busy. And next semester is going to be even worse I think. Except I'm not taking ECE classes. Unless they make me. Which they won't, because no one has any idea what is going on and they just pretend they do. My fluids exam got moved back a week. That makes me the happiest person ever. Except that my circuits exam is tomorrow and that makes me the saddest person ever. hmm, I wonder how those combine :P

I want to change my major. Normally, one would say "isn't it a bit late for that?" and I would agree, but somehow I've figured it out to where it will only add 1 year on to my life in hell...I mean college. I haven't decided if it's worth it yet, I need to talk to some people. Some people who are more informed and less biased. I also need to do well in the would-be in major classes I'm taking. That's the important part. I think the biggest reason I want to switch is all the ECE classes. They're so DUMB. Like not even hard, really, just DUMB. Like conceptually, really really easy. But then they go out of their way to make it reallllly hard. Unrealistic tricks to make 50+% of everyone fail. Because they aren't ranked well and think that the key to better ranking is failing everyone. I think maybe if they...oh say... did research? or something like that, maybe they'd be ranked higher. But I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess that really is what weed out classes are for. Should probably keep that in mind.

Well, my "Please let me pass my exam" post has turned into a bit more. So it's got some bitching in it, deal. It's my blog. Pshh. But i heart you all if you really made it this far. :-D Here's some food for thought (care of Andrea): What if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the same way?

Oh, and I ordered the most awesome shirt last night :P Just have to wait 4 to 7 days for the mail now. Hopefully it won't end up like my (lack of) iPod.

Lindsey's make up birthday party (the original was to be during the "hurricane") was Saturday. Out to eat then movies. Good times :) Got a few pics from her Jason, apparently I don't know how to keep my eyes open for pictures... *sigh* But the others were still good, so I'll still put 'em up :)


Me and Tyler at Olive Garden. Yes, the flash was bright. I'm squinty. One might say almost Asian squinty.


There's some REAL Asian squinty. And a growl too, perhaps?


Birthday girl and her boy. I think she just got done hitting him for a lewd comment. :) Probably shouldn't bring that one back up, eh?


Linds giving the cake a good ol' blow job. We all had some after ;)


Like I said, we all had some after...with ice cream too!










There were more pictures, but I don't want to write commentary for all of them, and what fun is it to just look at pictures??? EXACTLY.

Serenity

...was awesome. Definitely. Though the series might still have been better. Hope they either make another movie or bring the series back, somethin. That is all.

Fiji cake

Andrea and I made Fiji cake today. It was great! Well, actually, she made the cake...and frosted it...and was about to cut it when I said "it needs SPRINKLES!" so we decorated it.



Yeah, so its yummy too (the cake). Then Andrea proceeded to stick her finger in hot wax... somehow thinking it wouldn't burn.



Kooky, eh? Sometimes I wonder about that girl. But, eh, sometimes I wonder about me too, and I'm normal, right? :-D

I went to dinner with Katie today. Poor kid, so much that could go right for her, yet so much that goes wrong. If you're reading this, hon, *hug* it'll all be ok. Promise. Come stay with me whenever you need.

I feel better. No more tweaking out...for now at least :) Got a well needed break from school, going back will be tough, mainly because there will be SO MUCH to do, but that's ok, I'm ready for it now. Waiting to hear about some stuff, waiting to hear some stuff. Few expectations by me, lots of expectations for me. I think - when it comes to school - I work better when there's a lot to deal with. Like several projects at a time. Or it just always ends up that way, something like that. I haven't felt this good in awhile. Especially after getting done with all my junk today. I like what I'm doing, I like where I am...I might complain about stuff but it's all just petty bullshit. *shrug* That's basically it.

Baleeted!

Yeah, it was. More later perhaps? :)

Pipe Dreams

Hmm. I bet most of you thought something very interesting when you read the title of this. Thought maybe it would be an angsty blog about how wrong the world is, but only to me. Well, I'm glad to say, that's not it at all. In 10 hours and 32 minutes, I will be starting my fluids exam, and what can I say other then holy shit, that sucks. I'm pretty nervous about it. I've been studying...a lot. but still not as much as I should have. I'm not sure how I feel though, sometimes I can work through the problems all the way after just a few minutes of thinking; other times I can sit for an hour and still have nothing. Makes me scared. I have a tendency to go mind blank just before an exam starts, only to have all the information come back to me about 10 minutes before time is called. (By the way, 10 minutes isn't long enough to do anything but maybe write your name down)

I broke my laptop last night, I'm pretty unhappy about that. I'm taking it after my exam tomorrow to be (hopefully) repaired. The hard drive is very unhappy with me. Slowly but surely I am transferring all my files to Andrea's laptop for safekeeping until I get mine fixed and back though (thanks Andi!). But it's taking forever. My laptop sends for awhile, gets angry and freezes, has to be rebooted, sends for awhile again....etc. Not very conducive to as much fluids studying as I'd like. But I need to get it done tonight so that I can take it to be fixed tomorrow and just be able to say "just do whatever you have to do" so I don't have to wait. I think I need to keep my laptop inside a protective bubble, it gets hurt too much :(

Went to the Astros game on Tuesday, we lost but it was still fun :) Got to see two guys fight over the "N" word like 3 feet in front of me. That was a bit scary. Turn around and some guy is choking another guy. Crazy. Other than that, haven't really done much of anything other than study and avoid said studying. Tomorrow after exam and computer hassle is comedy club. Should be funny (does that go without saying?) Anyway, should be :) Sunday is work and hopefully finally getting my iPod. Unless they hurry for some reason (USPS, hurry? HAH!) and then it might be here tomorrow.

Wow, wasn't that the most exciting blog ever? Maybe there will be an inspirational comment that will make up for it. (hint: that means write something good in the comments.)

Well, lots of stuff has happened lately, no? Since I haven't posted at all this month yet, I guess I'm a little behind. I've been really, really busy lately. I guess it makes me glad I scheduled breaks between my classes, they get used everyday. For homework mostly, sometimes for lunch. I'm pretty proud of myself, I've only missed one class, and that was theatre when I felt really cruddy.

I've also made much much use of my breaks from school. This is the first semester EVER that I've truly had Fridays off completely. It's really nice. Granted I work Fridays now since there's no school, but it's pretty mindless and doesn't require me to ever think about an integral or a derivative or a torque or a cross product....ever. In fact, I highly doubt that anyone I work with even knows what that means. Which is fine and dandy with me.

My weekends as of late have been filled with interesting and fun things too, especially when I'm not working. Labor Day weekend was filled with movies and "Sociables" with Tyler and Travis, Kim, and their neighbors, and late night swimming. Last weekend was Brittnee's b-day party, so after a scrumptious dinner made by Andrea (thanks :-D) we all went to Sambuca for some jazz. Note: Sambuca is a restaurant. I did not realize this. That was kind of awkward for a bit, but fun anyway. :) And we all had a good time. There was issue, but it's over and I like to reminisce of the happy, not the not-so-great. Sunday was good too. Went to IHOP for breakfastlunch, and then had to uber rush back from halfway to Katy to get to the play on time. But thanks to fast car (that I got to drive back to my apartment from Sambucas!), we made it in time. I thought the play was really good. "Comedic tragedy" definitely fits. (It was called An Empty Plate at Café du Grand Boeuf) I like Main Street Theatre too, it's pretty small (we were about 20 or 25 feet from center stage) but I think that adds to the appeal. You see the actors right there in front of you, it just makes you feel closer to the action I suppose.

I guess that's caught me up from my lack of blogging lately, I forsee me continuing to be really busy, perhaps even moreso pretty soon and for the rest of the semester, so I guess I find time where I make it...More stories to come soon though, I'm sure. Tomorrow...well today now I guess as it is Tuesday now is an Astros game. Apparently they're out of the race for wild card, which sucks, but I still want to go see them play. I waited all summer with no one wanting to go, so now I get to go watch my game. :P I guess if I have to become a hockey fan, someone can become a bit of a baseball fan, no?

With every good thing comes another bad one.

I need a pet. I wish I had time for one. :( Fishies just don't cut it. You can't hold them. But, I know that I don't have time for a "real" pet, so fishy it is. Poor Dogbert. I love him, I promise. He's the best fish ever.

Would never have guessed you can be at your highest and your lowest at the same point in time. It is an interesting feeling. Like being ripped apart and held together at the same time. Not too surprisingly, I like it and hate it at the same time. Go figure.

A few new things to wonder about.

Wow. I should never be bored and online again. The things I find fill me with a sadness of awe. I mean look at this:



That's right, you can now point a gun at yourself, pull the trigger, and dry your hair.

And then there's this. Yeah, all those bands you either absolutely were in love with or wanted to murder when you were 13 are back. The Spice Girls are back together too. But a movie? I mean come on...But hey, you can't hate them too much, especially if you liked them when you were little. That would be like saying you were a moron when you were 13. And we can't have that. :)

**Post edit**

And last but not least, there is this.
For all the guys out there who are "angry" and giant assholes but don't want to change. Obviously what you need is a syndrome, not a foot up the ass. Jeez, I'm so tired of everything being a disease. When are the things that bother me about people going to become diseases so that we can quarantine all THOSE people on a deserted island which we then blow up? I'm waiting.

The Aristocrats.

This was quite possibly the worst movie ever. No, I can't say that. It wasn't even a movie. A movie...hell, even most porn, at least TRIES to have a plot. This "movie" was more of a "documentary" on...well...nothing. Ok, it was about the "worst joke ever" But who wants to sit and listen for an excessively long 86 min to ONE joke? And not even a funny one at that...

Ok, to sum it up: Don't go see this movie. Not even if it's free. Not even if someone tells you it's good. It's not. I don't generally talk about how bad a movie is. But I think people need to be saved from this one. I want my hour and a half back. And my $6.

Hmm. In reading the blogs of others, mine seems pretty shallow. It almost makes me think I should start posting some of the longer rambles I occasionally spew onto the page, but which never make it past the "Save as Draft" key. I find life is hard to appreciate sometimes. Even when it's going well, or maybe especially when it's going well. I know I've had far from a "difficult" life, my trials and tribulations are child's play compared to the difficulties of those I know. But this is also something that one becomes accustomed to - the ease and relaxedness at which one can float through life.

Yes, for those of you who are about to kill me for seeming to complain about this, the story continues.

I may have had it easy as a kid, I may have had it easy as an adolescent, hell, I probably still have it easy now. But "easy" is getting harder. Easy takes more and more work each day, which, by definition, kind of makes easy....not so. I'm not complaining, not at all - maybe a little - but really, I kind of enjoy it. Sure, I'll bitch and complain about it all day, but in the end, it kind of feels good. More like "new but itchy sweater" good, not like "raging orgasm" good. Granted, I haven't done too well at this added level of difficulty, but I'm trying. And I'm getting better. But at the same time I'm getting very burnt out. I'm at a point where I don't really know what to do, where to turn or how to get there. I think I know where I'd like to be, but I don't know how feasible it is to make it there. But I guess that's part of "not so terribly easy" is not knowing. And I guess I don't know if that's even true...time will tell I suppose.

And as Andrea said, and I move to agree with, I hit myself with a hammer because it does feel so good to stop. So much drama now past, perpetuated by others but; while being abhorred by me, also somewhat welcomed. Especially now that it's gone. Hopefully for good? "Friends" removed, by themselves or others, enemies ignored, and much much more. I like anti-drama. It makes me feel like I'm finally away from the retarded high school mentality.

So in light of all of the deep, thoughtful, meaningful posts I have recently read - here is another ramble of ineloquence in the late evening by me. Hope you enjoy. And, as always, comments are welcome.

I'm pretty impressed. People have actually been commenting lately. It's kind of cool, I like it. I'm feeling a bit better I think. I feel terrible about what I had to do to make it this way, but I think it was necessary. And so I push onward in my quest for happiness. I think I can feel myself getting closer...

See what happens when I...nevermind...

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Wow. And all I had to do was pick my favorite picture. Guess it really is worth a thousand words. Or at least however many that was...

Your Birthdate: February 4

Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual. Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

4 rocks?

I think blog is a really ugly word. I don't like it. I would go to LJ, but it's a pain in the ass. Or Xanga, but I don't like it. So here I sit, with the ugly word.

I was thinking about who I am today. Came up pretty short. I guess I should work on finding that out a little better. I think who I want to be and what I've become are two very different people, and I'm not sure if I like either of them... guess only a little time will tell.

More to come later I suppose.

Ok, so I guess I've been a bit unhappy lately. Obviously. School is filled with torture, I don't like my research and I need a break from my so-called break. But I guess i shouldn't be down about it, it's not like there is anything I can do to fix it. At least not right now. So I've decided that is something I'm going to work on...the disliking everything I'm doing. And perhaps in a bit of time it will show. I figure if I'm this good at not being happy, I can be pretty good at being happy too. So maybe if you see me looking down you'll help me out and say somethin' nice. That would be cool.

So maybe it isn't everyone else that I'm disenchanted with. Maybe it's just myself. I had more to say but I don't want to sound angsty or whatever. Plus I'm sure no one cares anyway. Opinions welcome.

What a bright and sunny eternity in hell.

I feel like people have taken everything I value, everything I love, everything I have come to think well of in this world...put it in a box, and shit on it.
I don't even care anymore. Call me what you want. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of caring, hell, if you're going to say something, I'm probably fucking tired of you. So go on, make my day.

----------------------------------
Reflections-
looking back at you
driving you insane
the mirror man

moves just like you
looks just like you
it's all backwards
like your mind

since it was asked of me...

the water laps the shore
the red sun sets
its reflection
like fresh blood
puddling outward
growing ever larger
only to recede again
as if sucked back by a sponge
a futile attempt
to clean it away

Perhaps more to come later if people don't hate this one. I like feedback. :)

So...I saw this and it made me sad. So gratuitous. It screams "here is a reason for you to stare at my penis/vagina and pretend like it is my belt you're looking at" Ugh. BUT, it's a GREAT DEAL at ONLY 29.99 and 6.49 S&H! BUY NOW! Wouldn't YOU like to be the first on your block with an LED message scrolling across your crotch? I thought so. If I ever see anyone wearing one of those...I think I'll cry. Unless they're Asian (no offense to Asian people, the LED thing is just natural I guess). I guess that is my rant for the day.

I found and pulled out my book of poetry today too. Read some old ones, tried to write some new ones. Some are ok, some are so-so, some should have been torn out before they were written. But they all remind me of my past, my successes and failures, my achievements and mistakes. Plus they're in a Cat-in-the-Hat notebook, and who could tear pages out of that? Say something and I'll post a few maybe. *shrug* who knows, someone else might like them too. :)

Bedtime.

just push "play"

I can't decide if I get in the way of life or if it gets in the way of me. It seems like the harder I try, the harder I fail. But I feel like if I don't try there is no use in even being here. I think I'm even going to fail at Fiji. I don't think I'll ever make it there, and if I do...I don't think it will be like I've always hoped.

A dream I had about a week ago still haunts me. It feels important but I don't know what it's telling me. The girl in it seems like she's supposed to represent me, she has my cellphone...but I never actually see her. I dunno, guess time will tell. If you wanna hear more ask, but you probably won't. It's ok, I probably wouldn't either.

I know it sounds like bitching but....

So tomorrow is my sister's 13th birthday. You can definitely tell, too. I guess every little kid does basically the same thing; "Oh, I'm turning 13, inherently I'm the shit, bow and worship me for I am awesome." What I'm wondering is if they realize what they're doing...seriously. Since I have moved back home I have wanted to rip the hair out of my sister's head on an almost daily basis. Her response to everything I say, whether I am talking to her or not is "God, shut up, you're so stupid." I could be wrong, but I REALLY don't remember being that big of a bitch. Seriously. It's making my stay at home very unenjoyable. I can't wait to move in to my apartment next week, and that is basically solely why. I find myself unable to tolerate her any longer, I have resolved myself to not speaking in her presence, for fear that I might lose my temper and beat the shit out of her. No, that probably never would happen, but she makes me so ANGRY. So, in less than 6 days, I will have all the things that are important to me moved from this place into a new place - a place I can call my own, at least for now. So back to the title, I know it sounds like bitching but really its a long question. Do you remember being a giant bitch when you were 13 because you thought you were the most awesome person in the entire world or something to that effect? Maybe I never got that because everyone was always older than me. Or maybe I did get it. Opinions welcome.

A new look...

...for a new outlook. No, no earth shattering moments. No near death experiences that really just involve me just not paying attention for a few seconds. Nothing really has changed, I just feel...I dunno, I can't even explain it really. Good I guess, for lack of words. Like in Office Space when he gets hypnotized, ya know? Just going with it. I went to the med center today, it looks like I might actually get to start my freakin' project. Like the actual project, not just the bullshit work. That's exciting I guess. I also told her that I would like to continue looking at different types of research and broaden my knowledge, instead of just being narrow into one field. She seemed to understand, now I just have to find funding and somewhere to work (for the spring semester probably, I'll probably end up staying where I am through fall)

I don't really feel like writing this anymore right now, so maybe later. Oh, and Jason, I never got your "all knowing answers" after finals on my last post :P Still waiting.

Questions...

If you don't have enough to worry about with finals, could you answer some of these? I'd appreciate an answer to any of them. If anyone still reads this that is. If you want me to post it prettier or more readable or whatever, say something and I might.

If you don't live for the moment, what are you living for? Can you live for a person? Does that really mean you are living for someone else instead of yourself? If you could take one thing back in your life what would it be? Would you REALLY want to take it back? What if you had to give something up for it? Would it still be worth it? If you could live eternally, would you? Even if no one else did? Why do people lie? Where does the incentive come from? Was it built into human nature? Is any human capable of living an entire life span without telling a lie? What is human nature? Do animals have animal nature? If humans are a superior race, why are there so many more problems with human society than animals have with animal society? Are humans just a gag that was created for the rest of the universe to laugh at? Maybe there are bets placed throughout the galaxy on how we will destroy ourselves first. How do you think we will end our race? If everything is so bad for you, why not just mix it together and rub it around? Does anyone besides me think the world would be a better place without people? It might sound stupid but I think that line in the first Matrix where the agent said humanity was a virus is true. Maybe we'll get what's coming to us. If a good, moral person kills a horrible and immoral person, is it wrong? Where is God? Is he dead? Is he capable of dying? If so, wouldn't that make him not God, at least by "our" definition? Are there really miracles? Have you ever seen one? If not, and you say there are, are there also leprechauns? if you say no, why? You haven't seen one of those either... Why do people discredit some things they have never seen and believe wholeheartedly in others? Aren't all unbelieveable, completely awesome things equally unbelievable and awesome? Are people just hypocrites or is there a reason behind this? If it were somehow scientifically proven when the world would end, would you believe those people? What would you do on your potential last day alive? If you weren't on the world when it ended, would you still die? If you didn't, would you want to? Would you ever want the responsibility of repopulating the earth? How far into space will we travel before we find something? If we find something, are we going to try to kill it? Would it be better if we DIDN'T find anything, so that we wouldn't have the chance to corrupt and ruin it? Do you think people are inherently good or evil? Why?

Well, can you believe it? It's finals. And there is so much stuff going on. And I'm kind of....well kind of suprisingly filled with trust. It feels good to have it again...its kind of like a warm blanket on a cold night. Snuggly.
By 8pm I will be 1/2way done with my finals for the semester. Hard to believe, isn't it? Especially since most people haven't even started their finals. I find it a little hard to concentrate right now. Maybe it's the sugar from the donuts Blake and I had... I think it's just happy mode. I feel happy. I hope you do too.

What to say? It's been awhile. I'm moving along. the little engine that could. New found love of Dave Matthews Band. its good for me. Not too angry sounding, plus I like the jazz instruments. Apparently I should d/l some Phish too. So i did, i just havent listened to it yet. I think my eyeballs are going to fall out of my head they hurt so bad. fucking headaches. they wont go away and i dunno why. it feels temporarily better when i shower. I think it might be the lights. i hate the lights here, they are so terrible. im glad im moving in june. i should be working on my 4 projects but i dont feel like it. my head hurts too bad. this song is really cool, it has trumpets and sax and everything. real musicians make me happy. not like these fake ass dont know how to play their instruments if they even have any bastards. AND theyre coming 9/5. which is awesome, but only if i get to go.

ha-HA!

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

What can I say other than owie? :( And I'm such a fuck up. I hope this can be gotten past...and not in the bad way.

*sigh of happy* Things have been gonig well lately. I don't want to jinx it or whatever, but they really have. I've had a bunch of shit to do, but no stressing like usual, just go through and do it. It's quite bitchin'. It's like after a bit over a year and a half, everything finally realized how to function better. I even was kind of sick last week (only the cough remains) and that didn't even dampen my mood. It's fuckin great. I talked to my mom, she's cool with the moving in June, cool with the moving in general, so that's good too. La dee da, got stuff to do, that's it for now....

Well, I guess it's time to give a real update instead of a random quiz post Spring Break has started well so far, Blake's was a fun time last weekend. Went to the med center yesterday, got some more cells to work with. There's always people there now, other interns and such, so that's cool. They're pretty nice, I just wish we had internet so I could do research there instead of having to do it at home. I've been able to spend lots of time with Jason since spring break started, that's been really nice too. His family is coming down from all over the place, so I get to meet all the people he's been talking about. I'm going to the rodeo with Kellie, Chris and Jason tomorrow, Maroon5 is playing, so that should be fun :) Overall, spring break is turning out well, don't want to jinx it, but it's been relaxing. I need to start studying organic for my exam next week, yeah I should do that...I'll prally start after I eat. MMM spaghetti! I remember now why I don't watch the news so much anymore. So much sad stuff...

Taking a vote...

I'm taking a vote, so you should leave a comment and tell me if you agree or disagree with this:

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Yay for Donnie Darko!

You scored as Mindfuck. Congratulations, you scored Mindfuck. You've probably seen a lot of movies, and have grown to hate mainstream shit. You're looking for the movie that will leave you breathless, and with 21 questions to think about. Check out: Donnie Darko, Being John Malkovich, Pulp Fiction, Memento. Mindfuck 80% Artistic 75% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 70% Drama/Suspense 70% Sadistic Humour 70% Mindless Action Flick 55% Romantic Comedy 50% Movie Recommendation.

I'm not afraid of comments

Well, I'm sitting here at home. at 11:30 on a Saturday night, doing homework. And I slowly begin to wonder where the hell people get these crazy ideas about how college is one giant party from. I guess maybe if I wasn't an engineering major or something it would be more party less work. Then I think about the future and where I will be compared to those people, and I guess I feel a little better. Maybe I'll bring some good to the world, instead of just some beer.

I was talking to my Papa (dad's dad) today and, as always, he gave me his stay in college and do better than i did speech, but this time I felt kind of bad. Normally he says it and it's always the exact same thing pretty much, but he seemed so urgent and more frantic about it. It almost feels like he's holding on to things to see me finish...like thats one of the things he wants to see before he goes, especially since I would be the first one from his side of the family...well...both sides of the family to finish college. I hope that's not the case but I'm kind of scared about it.

So back to the homework thing. I don't like numerical projects. Actually, I just don't like MATLAB I think. Like I can do all this stuff on paper...then they make me script it into some retarded project and I'm like "well, I can do the first half....dammit." Yep, it's teh suck. If anyone wants to help me, that would be GREAT! That is, if you know what you're doing. :)

Ok, well back to the project I can't do....to, uh, not do it some more? Yeah, thats about it.

Not much time to post, but I thought I'd say a little something. Thank you to all who came to my party, it was so great. You guys made my birthday even more awesome than it already was. I'm so glad to have such great friends who can put aside petty differences for a little while and just hang out all together and have fun. It really meant a lot to me :) Oh, and special thanks to Blake, Jared and Jason for opening their apartment for me so I didn't have to have a crappy dorm party. :-D

So I'm sitting here at Jason's apartment, I've finished the work I need to get done, or at least as much of it as I am going to do, and I'm waiting for him to finish his thermo homework. So I'm thinking, kind of bored, but that's ok, I don't mind. Anyway, thinking. And then it occurs to me that I don't even really know what I'm thinking about. It's like I'm going through the motions of thinking without actually doing it. So of course, as I realize this, I actually begin to think. And I feel so gipped about it. I realized how much I actually do this; just kind of zone out and ignore everything that is going on, and how much I could be missing out on and I don't even know it. So I keep thinking...and what do I realize but that I'm doing it again. It's like my brain says "Fuck you Heather" and shuts off. Now what kind of person am I that I seem to be incapable of even internal thought, even if this is all I am focusing on. So I focus even harder. And then while I'm thinking and it seems to be working and I can actually begin to figure things out, my mind goes blank. I still know what I was thinking about, but it's like I can't figure out what to do with it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well...it's like my mind has set up a "no pass" zone surrounding certain topics, protecting its fragile self from any more harm.
I'm not sure what to do about this. It's like, well, I can't even think of what it's like. That just proves my point even more. *sigh* I feel like I'm trapped in an abyss of, well, of nothing. Perhaps I've let myself go too far astray from "normal mental process"(?) and now there is no way back.

On a happier note I suppose, this upcoming Friday is my birthday. This I am actually looking forward to quite a bit, and Saturday even more. Hopefully nothing will ruin the chances of excitement and happiness there, I'm really looking forward to it.

Yes, just read it. It's good for your eyes.

Well, I was looking back at a few blogss ago (since I've only had 2 comments in the last like 7 posts -thanks adam and jyoti (whose blog address I can't presently think of :-/)- I don't have much else to look at) and I saw my post about being an engineer. I don't remember who said this to me a few days ago (or last week, whatever) but it stuck in my mind and I think it's true. People don't not make it in engineering because they are stupid persay; well maybe some, but I think a lot of people who actually want to be engineers don't make it because of their perspective. Whoever it was that I was talking to said that a lot of people who don't make it through engineering programs don't because they can't think like an engineer. I think I agree with this. Granted obviously that isn't the reason for everyone I'm sure. Some people really aren't smart enough, some people are too lazy, some people realize it isn't what they want to do. But a lot try to go through and can't. It's like there is a mental process that must be learned; of how to go about engineering. Only this learning must take place within oneself, it seems that it can not be taught, not even by the best of professors. This is what worries me about the upcoming generation of people in the workforce.

I hear from so many people about how they go through their classes so nonchalantly. Things like "I dunno, I wasn't listening" are just the beginning. There are so many blatant cheaters going through college that I am not only amazed but disgusted. I don't understand how these people can live knowing that one day they will (if God forsakes us all) be doctors or engineers (these are the main people I deal with and see) and they are blatantly cheating in every single one of their classes. Do you want a doctor who cheated in human anatomy? "Der, where's that dang appendix again? Hmm, maybe it's over here" *slices neck* How about a civil engineer designing a bridge for you that has no idea what stresses it can hold? "Gah, what was that equation again? Eh, no matter, we'll just build this bridge out of PVC pipe. It'll save us some money and maybe I'll get a bigger paycheck." I hold a lot of respect for the people I see going through school, and studying their asses off for their B+'s that should be A-'s if it weren't for the fucking cheating bastards who cheated their way better than them. And how the professors let them get by with this I really don't undestand. Ok so it's some fucking paperwork and a little hassle to make these students pay. Whoopty fucking doo. Putting these people out of an education is great for the workforce. We need more honest people to hold the jobs that should require honest and intelligent people. Oh and we need more shitty cheating kicked out of college bastards to work at McDonalds. The professors, by being too lazy to do anything about cheating, are only making things worse for the future. A future of uneducated, incompetent, highly paid workers who do absolutely nothing. And they can't be replaced because no one wants to hire someone who might have a slightly lower GPA but worked their ass off for it and knows their shit. Because that would make sense, and we can't do that now can we? Jason showed me this webpage by a band called KMFDM. Hilarious, it was. But the more I think about it, the more it seems true. The general population of the US has no fucking clue about anything. But apparently, that's ok, we'll just somehow continue to be in power while paying non-Americans to do all of our work for us, putting our citizens out of jobs, fucking our economy, and making the rest of the world hate us. Because this is how to be "like totally super awesome" (ie a world power) Perhaps I'm a little out of touch with things, but isn't that how to make it where you depend on other countries for everything? People come over from India and are almost junior level college students their first semester here, because they've already learned all the shit we struggle to comprehend. Does that mean they are smarter than us? I'm not sure if it's that or they just decided to care a little more about their educations than fucking backwater-Arkansas-graduate-without-reading. But our educations here are SO much better. That's why if you go to medical school in the US and try to practice professionally pretty much anywhere in Europe, Asia or Africa, you get to go through at least another year of training. I don't think it's the medical practices that are too mcuh different; there are only a few ways you can shove a scalpel into someones stomach and expect them to survive. No, you know why this occurs? Because nobody fucking trusts US doctors. And why should they? All they are taught here is how to do the minimum for a patient and avoid a lawsuit while making enough to afford that new Mercedes Benz. Man, if you get the chance you should read up on malpractice lawsuits. Not the stupid frivolous ones that shouldn't be had in the first place; the real ones. You know how many surgical tools are left inside patients because doctors forget about them during surgery? A fucking lot. How do you forget about 3 clamps and accidentally sew a womans stomach back up with them still inside? Maybe this was a doctor who cheated his way through medical school. People say no one cheats in medical school because it's so competitive; I say that's bullshit. It's just like undergrad, as long as you aren't in direct competition, who cares if you help each other? Yeah, I think the patients will care, shitface. Perhaps you should think about that like doctors are supposed to instead of thinking about how big your paycheck will be after you rape some woman after anesthesizing her for a procedure you only pretend to do. And then she gets pregnant and you wonder why you're being sued. Jackass.

Well, I wasn't going to do the generic quiz thing, but then I saw this one and so I took it and it just kind of happened ok?

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

i hate a lot of things. but not you, no not you. so much else, but i couldnt hate you. i also couldnt hate my blanket - its so warm and soft and its never done anything to make me hate it. i love my blanket. and my pink panther. because theyre always there for me when i need them. i need them now, and theyre here. so i will go to them now i dont want to keep them waiting - it might make it where they arent there for me when i need them. and i need them a lot so i have to be careful.

What to say...it sucks that school starts tomorrow. I'm kind of pissed off about it, but maybe it will actually be good. I dunno...lots of changes to be made, such mentality change right now, i'm not sure what's going to happen this semester, its really up in the air. I think this might be the semester that determines whether or not I continue to be a biomedical engineer or not. Sadly, I don't know where else to go if i decide to change (or have to) I've spent so much time in this major, it would feel like a waste if i switched. I shouldn't be talking about school yet. I think thats the cause of all of this. I hate it i never want to go back i want to quit and do nothing. find some money on the street and buy my own island. I'll live on half and rent the other half to really rich people to pay for anything i need. i think its a really good idea, maybe there are some islands in Fiji for sale. everyone who's rich wants to go to Fiji right? i guess i'd find out when people started coming or not. well, i guess thats really all...if anyone knows of a way for me to learn without having to deal with school let me know.

Hmm, what to say. So much seems to have happened since my last update. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) most of it was in my head. My poor brain, it's been through so much trauma this break...so many different feelings and emotions...I'm glad things (or me, whichever) have calmed down a little...just in time for the stress of school again. Perhaps I do this on purpose; replace the stress of class with other stresses. I'm not sure why, it's not enjoyable by any means. *shrug* I think perhaps I need a vacation from my vacation. Maybe just a weekend trip to Fiji. Or maybe someone could bring Fiji to me? I'd like that too, if you can think of how, that would be great. There has to be a hammock and drinks in coconut shells with the little paper umbrellas, those are the only restrictions. Oh, and it has to be absolutely wonderful. Hmm. That's what I want for my birthday. The person who gets me this will be my ultimate permanent hero forever. Oooh, and I get to go to Cirque de Soleil the day after my birthday with Jason and his parents. That's freakin' awesome too. I'm really excited about it because from what I heard, it's AWESOME. And I get to see it with J, which is also freaking AWESOME. :-D *sigh* yay for stuff. Like trust. I feel like we're getting more and more of that everyday, which is cool because it's one of those things that is hard to repair, yet we're doing it. Pulling through. And not just sloughing through in knee deep mud anymore either.
Ok, sorry for the fluffy lovey stuff...well, no actually I'm not, but ya know, if it makes you feel better. I guess lyrics should come next, and what could be more fitting:

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"
Maroon5- She Will Be Loved

Man, I love that song. Also Counting Crows "Big Yellow Taxi." That's a cool song too.