Ever dislike someone so much that just so much as seeing them makes you want to explode? That hearing about their well-being makes you angry? That knowing that somehow there is someone out there who could like them gives you a feeling of utter confusion? This "you are the most terrible person in the world" mentality doesn't come from nowhere. It stems from something, and I believe that it will be there until something changes. A lot has changed, granted - and that I am thankful for because I don't think my situation would be the same had nothing changed. Maybe I'm just stingy or something, because as thankful as I am (perhaps I haven't expressed my gratitude as much as I mean to) it seems that it still isn't good enough. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I'm a giant hypocrite, but I guess I can't stop the way I feel. And right now I feel like what "should be good enough" isn't. Every time I see it i get angry, every time I get angry I leave and every time I leave all I can think about is the past. And I see it again. And again and again, every time it's "different" but every time it's the same.

I think that a "fresh start" is impossible, life is tainted and molded by the past, the past is what keeps you from doing things you would want to, the past is what makes you do things you don't. I don't think "forgive and forget" exists either. It pretends to, or rather, a person pretends to, may even actually forgive, but the incident is never forgotten. There is always that thought in the back of one's mind... "They did it before, what's stopping them from doing it again?" This is the biggest factor in tainting the past I think. Stupid decisions that are "forgiven and forgotten" but not really. I think people believe that they are forgotten, but there still is the underlying resentment, even if it's just a tiny bit. I think that people enjoy the pain that comes with failure, otherwise they wouldn't screw up so often.

I think that I have no idea what I just wrote...it came and went without my mind processing it. Take that as you will....