Even Fiji can't fix me now...

I hurt. Body, mind and soul. I guess that's what failing miserably at the one thing you've spent the last 2.5 years on does to you. I'm not a nerd anymore...I'm too dumb to be called that now. For all the times I've talked about how much I hate the engineering program, how terrible it is...at least I was getting to do what I wanted to do. Perhaps I took that for granted. Now I can't even do that. Now I have to search and find something that is what I least-don't-want-to-do instead of being in what I do want to do. Now I have to settle for misery ending in misery instead of choosing misery with excitement at the end. Now I have that feeling that I know I'll look back in years and sadly say "What if I were just a little smarter? Where would I be now?" instead of being there. Sure, you can say I'm looking at it the wrong way, that I could be happy in some other major. You can say it all you want. The point is, I found where I wanted to be, and now I can't be there. And that is the biggest failure to me. And it's my failure. And that means I've failed. That I'm not as good as I wanted to be, that I didn't meet my goals...that I'm the loser who had to give up. I don't like being that person. And when I do have to find my new major, every class I take will remind me of my failures. Every single one. When I'm taking "Intro to Bullshit 101", I'll be sitting in class thinking about how I should be in transport or bioanalytics or thermo. How I should be integrating and deriving, not memorizing and regurgitating. How I should be making a difference, not adding to the bueracracy that I've tried to circumvent. Perhaps that is a naive thought, to think I could singlehandedly make a difference, but at least I could do something to help people through instead of standing in their way. I should be in a labcoat...not a business suit. Creating solutions, not problems. That's where I belong. I just don't fit into the business world. But I guess that doesn't matter to the people who key the D's and the F's into the system. They're just there to push the buttons...I'm nothing but a SSN to them. Who would've thought this would happen to me...guess I always thought it would just be someone else I'd be feeling bad for.