Ever get the feeling someone you care a lot about could walk out of your life forever, never caring, never looking back? :( Let's hope not.

Yeah so the quiz thing (see below) is indeed, eerily accurate.

ECE test went decently, maybe even well, despite all the freaking out I did. Hoping for the best. And partial credit. Gotta love partial credit.

Yay for new Foamy episodes.

Yep, I think that about sums up my life. Other than I'm broken still. Yep, that's about it. Time to go get my necklace fixed.

Got the new thespark.com quiz thing off Miranda's blog...decided to take it.

Result:
The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)


Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.


BEWARE: The Hornivore

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

Hmm...interesting.

*crack* ::small glass shards fall to the floor::

The false hope cracked. It'll break soon. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Or the next day or something. Til then, the glass keeps falling to the floor bit by bit until it's all gone. I need some super glue.

Oh well, on a, uh, brighter note...only 3 days til the weekend. And only 16 days til spring break.

Oh, and go see the cool art I found. Well, I think it's cool at least. *shrug* whatever

http://www.wwwcomcom.com/home.html

Nothing like adding to the fear of a situation like waking up with a sinking feeling and knowing exactly why. Let's hope it's not a trend. Here's to false hope that will soon be broken. ::clinks glass::

Also: Coheed and Cambria just a maybe now...

And, since it's been in some of the last few, I think I should continue the trend: damn damn damn damn damn fuck.

Time to go be told just how fucked up I am - or worse, that they aren't sure.

Yay for bitchy random stupid posts that could mean anything. Try to figure that out, eh? ::shady voice:: Just when you think you know, you read this line and you're like "Hmm, I wonder if I REALLY know or if I'm a retard."

So going to see Coheed and Cambria is gonna be cool. AFI is all right, kinda generic, but whatever. Jason introduced me to Dream Theatre recently...they're really awesome. I like them even more than Mars Volta I think.

So I'm not a liar, nor do I have a reason to be. Just in case anyone needs clarification. *don't take offense to that statement, it isn't meant offensively* Just thought I'd let everyone know.

So frisbee is being tainted, that makes me slightly unhappy, because it's something really fun that was introduced to me and is now being fucked up by unnecessary rules. All I have to say is "If I wanted to be on a club team and play by all the club team rules, I'd go join a club team. Do I look like I'm joining a club team? I didn't think so." Thursday night frisbee is all about the 'fun' aspect. Watching people jump into bushes and pants one another: that's what it's all about. Not calling every rule and having boundaries and strategies and stuff like that. Just about good, enjoyable, stress free fun. I guess some people just don't get it. :/ Perhaps it's just me, except I'm not the only one who has said this kinda stuff, so perhaps not...

Just something else to think about.

Interesting question posed to me today:

Would you rather have everything except love, or nothing but love?

Opinions welcome.

So I've begun to understand myself a little I think. I don't get why I do all of the things I do, but I understand some things. Some of the more important ones perhaps. And I think I found the source of my twitch/tic, though I think even if that is how it started, other things have caused it to grow worse. But I guess to understand the end you have to start at the beginning, right? I found the beginning, now just to figure out where to go from there....what fun what fun.
If you knew the cause of something, would you change what you're doing to try to fix it even if it would make you unhappy to do so? What's worse, fixing something and screwing something else up, or not fixing the original problem? Damn damn damn damn damn fuck.

So Christina sent me something to make me feel better. Perhaps I should change my outlook on things...

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

I think maybe I need a new angle. You know, something other than zero.

So I've always felt at least "quasi" normal. But more and more recently I think I've realized just how fucked up I am. I mean, sure, 'normal' is something I've always kinda tried to go against, but it seems now that I'm "not normal" that's all I want to be. I mean for godsakes, I fucking box my ear like twice a week twitching. Apparently I even twitch in my sleep, which really kind of upset me because that means it's something more than at a conscious level. So I'm finally doing something about it... I'm breaking down and going to the doctor. I'm tired of people making fun of me, I'm tired of the snickering, I'm tired of being a fucking freak. There are reasons that I'm not going to talk about here as to why I have been avoiding this appointment, but I can't deal anymore. The toll is more than just a physical "Ow, twitching this much makes my muscles hurt" or "Damn I'm tired of having to watch how much sugar and caffiene I have." It has turned to "I'm really tired of people getting their kicks from me feeling like I'm defective. I'm really sick of being laughed at and stared at not only by people I don't know, but those I DO KNOW." Man, that's definetly a confidence booster. Apparently everybody is a little weird, some weirdnesses are just 'more apparent' than others. I guess mine is just too apparent to go without great jest.

Perhaps a lobotomy of my entire brain is in order. They could stick it in a jar and then I wouldn't care who made fun of me. Til then, I think I've started to.

Comments on the prior blog still welcome....I feel slightly enlightened, but the more the merrier.

So I'm really tired of people changing their minds every 45 seconds. I think indecisiveness pains me more than anything else. Maybe one day I'll understand and then I can be indecisive and/or change my mind every 45 seconds too. Until then, I suppose I'll just have to wonder in amazement.

Love is an interesting game. At times it seems it couldn't get any better, but then it seems to kick you flat on your ass and tell you to fuck off. How long does it take someone to fall out of love? Is it an instantaneous thing, or does it take time and distance? If someone is truly in love, can they fall out, or does the feeling just get pushed to the side, perhaps just as they did?

Perhaps enlightening opinions will be found in the comments.

So I'm kinda hungry, this'll have to be quick...mmm food sound good.

The b-day party was great, I'm really glad I have friends who care. I really appreciate that everybody came :O) YAY 4 tipsy Halo!

So, I've been feeling kinda down off and on lately, but I think I, uh...slept it off... I feel a bit better today.

Food time. Time for food. And to bring Christina her keys.

So apparently I've done way too much complaining and being upset lately. Excuse me for uhm, what was that? Oh yeah, caring. Caring about someone, caring about myself, caring about feelings...caring about, uh, 'stuff in general'. Apparently that's not the smart thing to do, and I need to stop. Therefore it must be that I need to be one of those totally self centered people that what? Oh, gets talked shit about all the time for not caring. Hmm, this looks like a winning situation to me...

So, I suppose that I'm also wrong for trusting people until I have a reason not to. Apparently I do that backwards too, and I shouldn't trust anyone until I have a reason to. Hm, but if I do that, I'm apparently a 'cold person' or something like that. Man, pleasing people just doesn't work, does it? Maybe that's the problem is I'm not a hypocrite who changes who they are to make everyone think they like me. Hmm, oh well, I guess if you don't like me it's more your problem than it is mine...

So, I guess talking is good. No, I take that back. There is no guessing about it. I understand what has happened and I agree, for the first time in my life, that it needs to be changed. I can't continue to live by basing my happiness on the happiness of others. I guess 'anonymous' was right and I just didn't want to admit it. Neither did Jason. So, although I'm sure it will be a hard and painful experience, I am going to follow through on this, because, as was told to me, and I agree, it is mutually beneficial.

I guess that's that, eh? Oh, and Kellie, I know you told me so, so I guess you can say it...but just a few times.

Oh, and trying to draw in 3-d on a sheet of paper...damn near impossible. At least for me. I guess I don't have the artistic capabilities...or something like that.

So, it's the second day of school and I am already officially unhappy. Man, that didn't take long. I suppose it's my fault, at least partially, but still, it's only day two and already I feel as if I am spiraling downward. But I suppose what has to happen really does have to happen, for without the sour one can never appreciate the taste of the sweet. Only I have tasted the sour and appreciate the sweet, so how much longer must I pucker before I can feel sweet bliss once more?

Anyway, so having 1 class on Tuesday is pretty nice, unfortunately having like 50 billion (or 7) Mondays and Wednesdays...not so cool. Oh well, you win some you lose some. I guess I just do a lot of losing.

So I got back from NY today. It was fun, even if Jason says it wasn't. Snow isn't as cool to snowbirds as it is to me obviously. So I *kinda* learned to snowboard, which means I learned how to go down a little hill without falling TOO much.....but it was fun :D and so was sledding. And so was the snow in general. I wish I would have taken more pictures though... :/ oh well. So moving back in tomorrow...or today whatever...the 18th, yah. That's gonna be a pain in the ass. Kinda makes me wish I had some slav...errr people who would do work for me for free. Yah, so I met some of Jason's friends from NY, hehehe they're cool, now I see why he's so wacky though :P

So I went to wish my friend who is going into the navy this Tuesday goodbye. I think he is kinda ready to get the whole thing over with...or so he says, since he's been waiting since like May...yah, 5 years is a long time. LONG. TIME. But hopefully it will be worth it to him :) hmmm what else....not much of anything, just weeeeeeee fun-ness, but about to be over due to massive hours of work-ness...blah.

So the stupidity of some people amazes me. When they have to announce in an airport that the baggage claim is NOT FOR RIDING ON, there is a problem in society...

So let's see, so far my break has been pretty, err, breakless. I've been working 8 hours a day 6 days a week, but thats cool cuz I don't mind my job so much, and haven't really had any celebreations b/c I worked on all of the holidays...but I made the $ so it's all good. I got shot in the face with an artillery shell on New Year's Eve...totally not my fault. Let's see, what else...hmm...drank with my mom and her friends at the party she had, a few of my friends came :) been packing a bit for a few days...my sister erased my 40+ hours worth of Legaia (I wasn't so much the happy *scowl*) uhm, I worked some more, got a paycheck and pretty much gave it to my mom to pay her back for my plane ticket, hmmm, I guess things have been quite uneventful other than my "story of the day" nearly everyday from work. Weee, uneventful, I guess that's better than full of awful yet eventful things, eh?

So in 1 day and 10 hours I will be on a plane to NY...man, I can't wait. It's gonna be so fun :) and even if it's not it will be. So HAH! Hrm, I think I'm going to watch a movie...

So it's just over 4 days until I'm on my way to New York. Man, I'm so excited! Like excited to where I want to start packing now, hoping that will make it come faster...I know it won't, but still...so 2 more days of work then I won't be wiping asses and giving showers for awhile. And when I say awhile, I think that means like probably 3 or 4 weeks. Or something like that...

Anyway, so other than excitedness...

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean last night, it was pretty good! :) Johnny Depp always seems to be good at playing the weird ass roles in movies (*cough* Edward Scissorhands?) So I thought it was a pretty good movie.

Let's see, what else...uhm, I have a "story of the day" from pretty much every day I've worked over the break, old people are so quirky and weird :P especially dementia residents...man...but I think it's rewarding in its own way. Most people wouldn't see it I guess, but it makes me feel good. *shrug*

I hope everyone I haven't talked to is having a good break.

Man, so this was my last weekend for awhile...I went to work today and got my schedule, yeah, so I work Christmas Eve, Christmas day and New Year's Eve and New Year's day (not to mention every day in between) So there goes that vacation...at least until January 10th :D I guess that makes it all worth it, plus it's good money and the people are nice...but 5:30 in the morning comes REALLLLLLY early. Really early.

But this weekend was fun still. I got to see a bunch of HS friends and some family I haven't seen in awhile, got to call Jason 'Spot' all weekend...everybody got to meet him and laugh at me for calling him Spot...it was enjoyable and relaxing :D make Heather happy to be able to chill before having to work.

So, I guess I didn't really have anything to say, other than happy holiday to all you guys who I won't be seeing...


Ohh, and watch the new Foamy cartoon...it's great :P

So I got this note from someone, and it kind of inspired me to feel better, because I think I need to take things more lightly sometimes...


Then again, maybe I shouldn't. Sometimes I think maybe I let people walk over me because I don't want to get them angry or I don't want to start a conflict...or I don't want to deal with the effort and trauma disliking someone would cause. I think (thought?) I am (was?) at least a slightly affable person, but maybe I'm just an annoyance. Perhaps I'll find out what people really think sometime.

Man, it feels pretty good to be done with finals...but it feels pretty shitty to know how much better I could have potentially done...I slept alllll day today after my final was over, and I still think I might go to bed at like...11. I'm tired, in every sense of the word. Oh well, not like it really matters anyway, I don't have anything but work til...what? January 20? yeah, that feels pretty good.

*Thought for the day*
People who lie constantly and then wonder about why everyone lies are pretty annoying. If you are going to sit and lie and then go on to bitch at other people for lying...you're a hypocrite, because A) at some point everyone lies, and B) you lie a hell of a lot more than the average person, therefore you have, um, NO room to talk...meh, whatever.

So other than uber freaking out about finals bullshit, I rather like the laid-back thing as opposed to the worrisome thing. It's much easier to deal with stuff when you don't really care about it (in the case of not-so-important things) because then I can "prioritize" and deal with the important things that I need to care about. So no more uber spasticness I'm thinking, unless it's something that deserves my uber spasticness...

Hm, so I officially got my ticket to New York, as in it's bought and paid for, that's exciting, yep, and no more finals for a semester, that's exciting too, and um, I think that's about the extent of my excitingidge.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The uber excitement of Heather! Yes, so I went to lunch with my mommy today and officially found out that I am "allowed" to go to New York! Granted, I have to pay for everything, but still...uber worth it! I'm so excited, I don't really have anything to say other than my good news announcement (mainly to myself, I'm sure all of you don't really care) But, it's alllllll gravy. And I get to go somewhere I've never been, so that's always a plus too :D Man, finals studying = lots of accidentally falling asleep. But I got it down. I got the studying, now I just have to remember what I 'learned' haha right.

YAY! That's all, back to maybe some studyage.