So...I saw this and it made me sad. So gratuitous. It screams "here is a reason for you to stare at my penis/vagina and pretend like it is my belt you're looking at" Ugh. BUT, it's a GREAT DEAL at ONLY 29.99 and 6.49 S&H! BUY NOW! Wouldn't YOU like to be the first on your block with an LED message scrolling across your crotch? I thought so. If I ever see anyone wearing one of those...I think I'll cry. Unless they're Asian (no offense to Asian people, the LED thing is just natural I guess). I guess that is my rant for the day.

I found and pulled out my book of poetry today too. Read some old ones, tried to write some new ones. Some are ok, some are so-so, some should have been torn out before they were written. But they all remind me of my past, my successes and failures, my achievements and mistakes. Plus they're in a Cat-in-the-Hat notebook, and who could tear pages out of that? Say something and I'll post a few maybe. *shrug* who knows, someone else might like them too. :)

Bedtime.

just push "play"

I can't decide if I get in the way of life or if it gets in the way of me. It seems like the harder I try, the harder I fail. But I feel like if I don't try there is no use in even being here. I think I'm even going to fail at Fiji. I don't think I'll ever make it there, and if I do...I don't think it will be like I've always hoped.

A dream I had about a week ago still haunts me. It feels important but I don't know what it's telling me. The girl in it seems like she's supposed to represent me, she has my cellphone...but I never actually see her. I dunno, guess time will tell. If you wanna hear more ask, but you probably won't. It's ok, I probably wouldn't either.

I know it sounds like bitching but....

So tomorrow is my sister's 13th birthday. You can definitely tell, too. I guess every little kid does basically the same thing; "Oh, I'm turning 13, inherently I'm the shit, bow and worship me for I am awesome." What I'm wondering is if they realize what they're doing...seriously. Since I have moved back home I have wanted to rip the hair out of my sister's head on an almost daily basis. Her response to everything I say, whether I am talking to her or not is "God, shut up, you're so stupid." I could be wrong, but I REALLY don't remember being that big of a bitch. Seriously. It's making my stay at home very unenjoyable. I can't wait to move in to my apartment next week, and that is basically solely why. I find myself unable to tolerate her any longer, I have resolved myself to not speaking in her presence, for fear that I might lose my temper and beat the shit out of her. No, that probably never would happen, but she makes me so ANGRY. So, in less than 6 days, I will have all the things that are important to me moved from this place into a new place - a place I can call my own, at least for now. So back to the title, I know it sounds like bitching but really its a long question. Do you remember being a giant bitch when you were 13 because you thought you were the most awesome person in the entire world or something to that effect? Maybe I never got that because everyone was always older than me. Or maybe I did get it. Opinions welcome.

A new look...

...for a new outlook. No, no earth shattering moments. No near death experiences that really just involve me just not paying attention for a few seconds. Nothing really has changed, I just feel...I dunno, I can't even explain it really. Good I guess, for lack of words. Like in Office Space when he gets hypnotized, ya know? Just going with it. I went to the med center today, it looks like I might actually get to start my freakin' project. Like the actual project, not just the bullshit work. That's exciting I guess. I also told her that I would like to continue looking at different types of research and broaden my knowledge, instead of just being narrow into one field. She seemed to understand, now I just have to find funding and somewhere to work (for the spring semester probably, I'll probably end up staying where I am through fall)

I don't really feel like writing this anymore right now, so maybe later. Oh, and Jason, I never got your "all knowing answers" after finals on my last post :P Still waiting.

Questions...

If you don't have enough to worry about with finals, could you answer some of these? I'd appreciate an answer to any of them. If anyone still reads this that is. If you want me to post it prettier or more readable or whatever, say something and I might.

If you don't live for the moment, what are you living for? Can you live for a person? Does that really mean you are living for someone else instead of yourself? If you could take one thing back in your life what would it be? Would you REALLY want to take it back? What if you had to give something up for it? Would it still be worth it? If you could live eternally, would you? Even if no one else did? Why do people lie? Where does the incentive come from? Was it built into human nature? Is any human capable of living an entire life span without telling a lie? What is human nature? Do animals have animal nature? If humans are a superior race, why are there so many more problems with human society than animals have with animal society? Are humans just a gag that was created for the rest of the universe to laugh at? Maybe there are bets placed throughout the galaxy on how we will destroy ourselves first. How do you think we will end our race? If everything is so bad for you, why not just mix it together and rub it around? Does anyone besides me think the world would be a better place without people? It might sound stupid but I think that line in the first Matrix where the agent said humanity was a virus is true. Maybe we'll get what's coming to us. If a good, moral person kills a horrible and immoral person, is it wrong? Where is God? Is he dead? Is he capable of dying? If so, wouldn't that make him not God, at least by "our" definition? Are there really miracles? Have you ever seen one? If not, and you say there are, are there also leprechauns? if you say no, why? You haven't seen one of those either... Why do people discredit some things they have never seen and believe wholeheartedly in others? Aren't all unbelieveable, completely awesome things equally unbelievable and awesome? Are people just hypocrites or is there a reason behind this? If it were somehow scientifically proven when the world would end, would you believe those people? What would you do on your potential last day alive? If you weren't on the world when it ended, would you still die? If you didn't, would you want to? Would you ever want the responsibility of repopulating the earth? How far into space will we travel before we find something? If we find something, are we going to try to kill it? Would it be better if we DIDN'T find anything, so that we wouldn't have the chance to corrupt and ruin it? Do you think people are inherently good or evil? Why?

Well, can you believe it? It's finals. And there is so much stuff going on. And I'm kind of....well kind of suprisingly filled with trust. It feels good to have it again...its kind of like a warm blanket on a cold night. Snuggly.
By 8pm I will be 1/2way done with my finals for the semester. Hard to believe, isn't it? Especially since most people haven't even started their finals. I find it a little hard to concentrate right now. Maybe it's the sugar from the donuts Blake and I had... I think it's just happy mode. I feel happy. I hope you do too.

What to say? It's been awhile. I'm moving along. the little engine that could. New found love of Dave Matthews Band. its good for me. Not too angry sounding, plus I like the jazz instruments. Apparently I should d/l some Phish too. So i did, i just havent listened to it yet. I think my eyeballs are going to fall out of my head they hurt so bad. fucking headaches. they wont go away and i dunno why. it feels temporarily better when i shower. I think it might be the lights. i hate the lights here, they are so terrible. im glad im moving in june. i should be working on my 4 projects but i dont feel like it. my head hurts too bad. this song is really cool, it has trumpets and sax and everything. real musicians make me happy. not like these fake ass dont know how to play their instruments if they even have any bastards. AND theyre coming 9/5. which is awesome, but only if i get to go.

ha-HA!

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

What can I say other than owie? :( And I'm such a fuck up. I hope this can be gotten past...and not in the bad way.

*sigh of happy* Things have been gonig well lately. I don't want to jinx it or whatever, but they really have. I've had a bunch of shit to do, but no stressing like usual, just go through and do it. It's quite bitchin'. It's like after a bit over a year and a half, everything finally realized how to function better. I even was kind of sick last week (only the cough remains) and that didn't even dampen my mood. It's fuckin great. I talked to my mom, she's cool with the moving in June, cool with the moving in general, so that's good too. La dee da, got stuff to do, that's it for now....

Well, I guess it's time to give a real update instead of a random quiz post Spring Break has started well so far, Blake's was a fun time last weekend. Went to the med center yesterday, got some more cells to work with. There's always people there now, other interns and such, so that's cool. They're pretty nice, I just wish we had internet so I could do research there instead of having to do it at home. I've been able to spend lots of time with Jason since spring break started, that's been really nice too. His family is coming down from all over the place, so I get to meet all the people he's been talking about. I'm going to the rodeo with Kellie, Chris and Jason tomorrow, Maroon5 is playing, so that should be fun :) Overall, spring break is turning out well, don't want to jinx it, but it's been relaxing. I need to start studying organic for my exam next week, yeah I should do that...I'll prally start after I eat. MMM spaghetti! I remember now why I don't watch the news so much anymore. So much sad stuff...

Taking a vote...

I'm taking a vote, so you should leave a comment and tell me if you agree or disagree with this:

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Yay for Donnie Darko!

You scored as Mindfuck. Congratulations, you scored Mindfuck. You've probably seen a lot of movies, and have grown to hate mainstream shit. You're looking for the movie that will leave you breathless, and with 21 questions to think about. Check out: Donnie Darko, Being John Malkovich, Pulp Fiction, Memento. Mindfuck 80% Artistic 75% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 70% Drama/Suspense 70% Sadistic Humour 70% Mindless Action Flick 55% Romantic Comedy 50% Movie Recommendation.

I'm not afraid of comments

Well, I'm sitting here at home. at 11:30 on a Saturday night, doing homework. And I slowly begin to wonder where the hell people get these crazy ideas about how college is one giant party from. I guess maybe if I wasn't an engineering major or something it would be more party less work. Then I think about the future and where I will be compared to those people, and I guess I feel a little better. Maybe I'll bring some good to the world, instead of just some beer.

I was talking to my Papa (dad's dad) today and, as always, he gave me his stay in college and do better than i did speech, but this time I felt kind of bad. Normally he says it and it's always the exact same thing pretty much, but he seemed so urgent and more frantic about it. It almost feels like he's holding on to things to see me finish...like thats one of the things he wants to see before he goes, especially since I would be the first one from his side of the family...well...both sides of the family to finish college. I hope that's not the case but I'm kind of scared about it.

So back to the homework thing. I don't like numerical projects. Actually, I just don't like MATLAB I think. Like I can do all this stuff on paper...then they make me script it into some retarded project and I'm like "well, I can do the first half....dammit." Yep, it's teh suck. If anyone wants to help me, that would be GREAT! That is, if you know what you're doing. :)

Ok, well back to the project I can't do....to, uh, not do it some more? Yeah, thats about it.

Not much time to post, but I thought I'd say a little something. Thank you to all who came to my party, it was so great. You guys made my birthday even more awesome than it already was. I'm so glad to have such great friends who can put aside petty differences for a little while and just hang out all together and have fun. It really meant a lot to me :) Oh, and special thanks to Blake, Jared and Jason for opening their apartment for me so I didn't have to have a crappy dorm party. :-D

So I'm sitting here at Jason's apartment, I've finished the work I need to get done, or at least as much of it as I am going to do, and I'm waiting for him to finish his thermo homework. So I'm thinking, kind of bored, but that's ok, I don't mind. Anyway, thinking. And then it occurs to me that I don't even really know what I'm thinking about. It's like I'm going through the motions of thinking without actually doing it. So of course, as I realize this, I actually begin to think. And I feel so gipped about it. I realized how much I actually do this; just kind of zone out and ignore everything that is going on, and how much I could be missing out on and I don't even know it. So I keep thinking...and what do I realize but that I'm doing it again. It's like my brain says "Fuck you Heather" and shuts off. Now what kind of person am I that I seem to be incapable of even internal thought, even if this is all I am focusing on. So I focus even harder. And then while I'm thinking and it seems to be working and I can actually begin to figure things out, my mind goes blank. I still know what I was thinking about, but it's like I can't figure out what to do with it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well...it's like my mind has set up a "no pass" zone surrounding certain topics, protecting its fragile self from any more harm.
I'm not sure what to do about this. It's like, well, I can't even think of what it's like. That just proves my point even more. *sigh* I feel like I'm trapped in an abyss of, well, of nothing. Perhaps I've let myself go too far astray from "normal mental process"(?) and now there is no way back.

On a happier note I suppose, this upcoming Friday is my birthday. This I am actually looking forward to quite a bit, and Saturday even more. Hopefully nothing will ruin the chances of excitement and happiness there, I'm really looking forward to it.

Yes, just read it. It's good for your eyes.

Well, I was looking back at a few blogss ago (since I've only had 2 comments in the last like 7 posts -thanks adam and jyoti (whose blog address I can't presently think of :-/)- I don't have much else to look at) and I saw my post about being an engineer. I don't remember who said this to me a few days ago (or last week, whatever) but it stuck in my mind and I think it's true. People don't not make it in engineering because they are stupid persay; well maybe some, but I think a lot of people who actually want to be engineers don't make it because of their perspective. Whoever it was that I was talking to said that a lot of people who don't make it through engineering programs don't because they can't think like an engineer. I think I agree with this. Granted obviously that isn't the reason for everyone I'm sure. Some people really aren't smart enough, some people are too lazy, some people realize it isn't what they want to do. But a lot try to go through and can't. It's like there is a mental process that must be learned; of how to go about engineering. Only this learning must take place within oneself, it seems that it can not be taught, not even by the best of professors. This is what worries me about the upcoming generation of people in the workforce.

I hear from so many people about how they go through their classes so nonchalantly. Things like "I dunno, I wasn't listening" are just the beginning. There are so many blatant cheaters going through college that I am not only amazed but disgusted. I don't understand how these people can live knowing that one day they will (if God forsakes us all) be doctors or engineers (these are the main people I deal with and see) and they are blatantly cheating in every single one of their classes. Do you want a doctor who cheated in human anatomy? "Der, where's that dang appendix again? Hmm, maybe it's over here" *slices neck* How about a civil engineer designing a bridge for you that has no idea what stresses it can hold? "Gah, what was that equation again? Eh, no matter, we'll just build this bridge out of PVC pipe. It'll save us some money and maybe I'll get a bigger paycheck." I hold a lot of respect for the people I see going through school, and studying their asses off for their B+'s that should be A-'s if it weren't for the fucking cheating bastards who cheated their way better than them. And how the professors let them get by with this I really don't undestand. Ok so it's some fucking paperwork and a little hassle to make these students pay. Whoopty fucking doo. Putting these people out of an education is great for the workforce. We need more honest people to hold the jobs that should require honest and intelligent people. Oh and we need more shitty cheating kicked out of college bastards to work at McDonalds. The professors, by being too lazy to do anything about cheating, are only making things worse for the future. A future of uneducated, incompetent, highly paid workers who do absolutely nothing. And they can't be replaced because no one wants to hire someone who might have a slightly lower GPA but worked their ass off for it and knows their shit. Because that would make sense, and we can't do that now can we? Jason showed me this webpage by a band called KMFDM. Hilarious, it was. But the more I think about it, the more it seems true. The general population of the US has no fucking clue about anything. But apparently, that's ok, we'll just somehow continue to be in power while paying non-Americans to do all of our work for us, putting our citizens out of jobs, fucking our economy, and making the rest of the world hate us. Because this is how to be "like totally super awesome" (ie a world power) Perhaps I'm a little out of touch with things, but isn't that how to make it where you depend on other countries for everything? People come over from India and are almost junior level college students their first semester here, because they've already learned all the shit we struggle to comprehend. Does that mean they are smarter than us? I'm not sure if it's that or they just decided to care a little more about their educations than fucking backwater-Arkansas-graduate-without-reading. But our educations here are SO much better. That's why if you go to medical school in the US and try to practice professionally pretty much anywhere in Europe, Asia or Africa, you get to go through at least another year of training. I don't think it's the medical practices that are too mcuh different; there are only a few ways you can shove a scalpel into someones stomach and expect them to survive. No, you know why this occurs? Because nobody fucking trusts US doctors. And why should they? All they are taught here is how to do the minimum for a patient and avoid a lawsuit while making enough to afford that new Mercedes Benz. Man, if you get the chance you should read up on malpractice lawsuits. Not the stupid frivolous ones that shouldn't be had in the first place; the real ones. You know how many surgical tools are left inside patients because doctors forget about them during surgery? A fucking lot. How do you forget about 3 clamps and accidentally sew a womans stomach back up with them still inside? Maybe this was a doctor who cheated his way through medical school. People say no one cheats in medical school because it's so competitive; I say that's bullshit. It's just like undergrad, as long as you aren't in direct competition, who cares if you help each other? Yeah, I think the patients will care, shitface. Perhaps you should think about that like doctors are supposed to instead of thinking about how big your paycheck will be after you rape some woman after anesthesizing her for a procedure you only pretend to do. And then she gets pregnant and you wonder why you're being sued. Jackass.

Well, I wasn't going to do the generic quiz thing, but then I saw this one and so I took it and it just kind of happened ok?

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

i hate a lot of things. but not you, no not you. so much else, but i couldnt hate you. i also couldnt hate my blanket - its so warm and soft and its never done anything to make me hate it. i love my blanket. and my pink panther. because theyre always there for me when i need them. i need them now, and theyre here. so i will go to them now i dont want to keep them waiting - it might make it where they arent there for me when i need them. and i need them a lot so i have to be careful.

What to say...it sucks that school starts tomorrow. I'm kind of pissed off about it, but maybe it will actually be good. I dunno...lots of changes to be made, such mentality change right now, i'm not sure what's going to happen this semester, its really up in the air. I think this might be the semester that determines whether or not I continue to be a biomedical engineer or not. Sadly, I don't know where else to go if i decide to change (or have to) I've spent so much time in this major, it would feel like a waste if i switched. I shouldn't be talking about school yet. I think thats the cause of all of this. I hate it i never want to go back i want to quit and do nothing. find some money on the street and buy my own island. I'll live on half and rent the other half to really rich people to pay for anything i need. i think its a really good idea, maybe there are some islands in Fiji for sale. everyone who's rich wants to go to Fiji right? i guess i'd find out when people started coming or not. well, i guess thats really all...if anyone knows of a way for me to learn without having to deal with school let me know.