So I'm sitting here at Jason's apartment, I've finished the work I need to get done, or at least as much of it as I am going to do, and I'm waiting for him to finish his thermo homework. So I'm thinking, kind of bored, but that's ok, I don't mind. Anyway, thinking. And then it occurs to me that I don't even really know what I'm thinking about. It's like I'm going through the motions of thinking without actually doing it. So of course, as I realize this, I actually begin to think. And I feel so gipped about it. I realized how much I actually do this; just kind of zone out and ignore everything that is going on, and how much I could be missing out on and I don't even know it. So I keep thinking...and what do I realize but that I'm doing it again. It's like my brain says "Fuck you Heather" and shuts off. Now what kind of person am I that I seem to be incapable of even internal thought, even if this is all I am focusing on. So I focus even harder. And then while I'm thinking and it seems to be working and I can actually begin to figure things out, my mind goes blank. I still know what I was thinking about, but it's like I can't figure out what to do with it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this very well...it's like my mind has set up a "no pass" zone surrounding certain topics, protecting its fragile self from any more harm.
I'm not sure what to do about this. It's like, well, I can't even think of what it's like. That just proves my point even more. *sigh* I feel like I'm trapped in an abyss of, well, of nothing. Perhaps I've let myself go too far astray from "normal mental process"(?) and now there is no way back.

On a happier note I suppose, this upcoming Friday is my birthday. This I am actually looking forward to quite a bit, and Saturday even more. Hopefully nothing will ruin the chances of excitement and happiness there, I'm really looking forward to it.

Yes, just read it. It's good for your eyes.

Well, I was looking back at a few blogss ago (since I've only had 2 comments in the last like 7 posts -thanks adam and jyoti (whose blog address I can't presently think of :-/)- I don't have much else to look at) and I saw my post about being an engineer. I don't remember who said this to me a few days ago (or last week, whatever) but it stuck in my mind and I think it's true. People don't not make it in engineering because they are stupid persay; well maybe some, but I think a lot of people who actually want to be engineers don't make it because of their perspective. Whoever it was that I was talking to said that a lot of people who don't make it through engineering programs don't because they can't think like an engineer. I think I agree with this. Granted obviously that isn't the reason for everyone I'm sure. Some people really aren't smart enough, some people are too lazy, some people realize it isn't what they want to do. But a lot try to go through and can't. It's like there is a mental process that must be learned; of how to go about engineering. Only this learning must take place within oneself, it seems that it can not be taught, not even by the best of professors. This is what worries me about the upcoming generation of people in the workforce.

I hear from so many people about how they go through their classes so nonchalantly. Things like "I dunno, I wasn't listening" are just the beginning. There are so many blatant cheaters going through college that I am not only amazed but disgusted. I don't understand how these people can live knowing that one day they will (if God forsakes us all) be doctors or engineers (these are the main people I deal with and see) and they are blatantly cheating in every single one of their classes. Do you want a doctor who cheated in human anatomy? "Der, where's that dang appendix again? Hmm, maybe it's over here" *slices neck* How about a civil engineer designing a bridge for you that has no idea what stresses it can hold? "Gah, what was that equation again? Eh, no matter, we'll just build this bridge out of PVC pipe. It'll save us some money and maybe I'll get a bigger paycheck." I hold a lot of respect for the people I see going through school, and studying their asses off for their B+'s that should be A-'s if it weren't for the fucking cheating bastards who cheated their way better than them. And how the professors let them get by with this I really don't undestand. Ok so it's some fucking paperwork and a little hassle to make these students pay. Whoopty fucking doo. Putting these people out of an education is great for the workforce. We need more honest people to hold the jobs that should require honest and intelligent people. Oh and we need more shitty cheating kicked out of college bastards to work at McDonalds. The professors, by being too lazy to do anything about cheating, are only making things worse for the future. A future of uneducated, incompetent, highly paid workers who do absolutely nothing. And they can't be replaced because no one wants to hire someone who might have a slightly lower GPA but worked their ass off for it and knows their shit. Because that would make sense, and we can't do that now can we? Jason showed me this webpage by a band called KMFDM. Hilarious, it was. But the more I think about it, the more it seems true. The general population of the US has no fucking clue about anything. But apparently, that's ok, we'll just somehow continue to be in power while paying non-Americans to do all of our work for us, putting our citizens out of jobs, fucking our economy, and making the rest of the world hate us. Because this is how to be "like totally super awesome" (ie a world power) Perhaps I'm a little out of touch with things, but isn't that how to make it where you depend on other countries for everything? People come over from India and are almost junior level college students their first semester here, because they've already learned all the shit we struggle to comprehend. Does that mean they are smarter than us? I'm not sure if it's that or they just decided to care a little more about their educations than fucking backwater-Arkansas-graduate-without-reading. But our educations here are SO much better. That's why if you go to medical school in the US and try to practice professionally pretty much anywhere in Europe, Asia or Africa, you get to go through at least another year of training. I don't think it's the medical practices that are too mcuh different; there are only a few ways you can shove a scalpel into someones stomach and expect them to survive. No, you know why this occurs? Because nobody fucking trusts US doctors. And why should they? All they are taught here is how to do the minimum for a patient and avoid a lawsuit while making enough to afford that new Mercedes Benz. Man, if you get the chance you should read up on malpractice lawsuits. Not the stupid frivolous ones that shouldn't be had in the first place; the real ones. You know how many surgical tools are left inside patients because doctors forget about them during surgery? A fucking lot. How do you forget about 3 clamps and accidentally sew a womans stomach back up with them still inside? Maybe this was a doctor who cheated his way through medical school. People say no one cheats in medical school because it's so competitive; I say that's bullshit. It's just like undergrad, as long as you aren't in direct competition, who cares if you help each other? Yeah, I think the patients will care, shitface. Perhaps you should think about that like doctors are supposed to instead of thinking about how big your paycheck will be after you rape some woman after anesthesizing her for a procedure you only pretend to do. And then she gets pregnant and you wonder why you're being sued. Jackass.

Well, I wasn't going to do the generic quiz thing, but then I saw this one and so I took it and it just kind of happened ok?

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

i hate a lot of things. but not you, no not you. so much else, but i couldnt hate you. i also couldnt hate my blanket - its so warm and soft and its never done anything to make me hate it. i love my blanket. and my pink panther. because theyre always there for me when i need them. i need them now, and theyre here. so i will go to them now i dont want to keep them waiting - it might make it where they arent there for me when i need them. and i need them a lot so i have to be careful.

What to say...it sucks that school starts tomorrow. I'm kind of pissed off about it, but maybe it will actually be good. I dunno...lots of changes to be made, such mentality change right now, i'm not sure what's going to happen this semester, its really up in the air. I think this might be the semester that determines whether or not I continue to be a biomedical engineer or not. Sadly, I don't know where else to go if i decide to change (or have to) I've spent so much time in this major, it would feel like a waste if i switched. I shouldn't be talking about school yet. I think thats the cause of all of this. I hate it i never want to go back i want to quit and do nothing. find some money on the street and buy my own island. I'll live on half and rent the other half to really rich people to pay for anything i need. i think its a really good idea, maybe there are some islands in Fiji for sale. everyone who's rich wants to go to Fiji right? i guess i'd find out when people started coming or not. well, i guess thats really all...if anyone knows of a way for me to learn without having to deal with school let me know.

Hmm, what to say. So much seems to have happened since my last update. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) most of it was in my head. My poor brain, it's been through so much trauma this break...so many different feelings and emotions...I'm glad things (or me, whichever) have calmed down a little...just in time for the stress of school again. Perhaps I do this on purpose; replace the stress of class with other stresses. I'm not sure why, it's not enjoyable by any means. *shrug* I think perhaps I need a vacation from my vacation. Maybe just a weekend trip to Fiji. Or maybe someone could bring Fiji to me? I'd like that too, if you can think of how, that would be great. There has to be a hammock and drinks in coconut shells with the little paper umbrellas, those are the only restrictions. Oh, and it has to be absolutely wonderful. Hmm. That's what I want for my birthday. The person who gets me this will be my ultimate permanent hero forever. Oooh, and I get to go to Cirque de Soleil the day after my birthday with Jason and his parents. That's freakin' awesome too. I'm really excited about it because from what I heard, it's AWESOME. And I get to see it with J, which is also freaking AWESOME. :-D *sigh* yay for stuff. Like trust. I feel like we're getting more and more of that everyday, which is cool because it's one of those things that is hard to repair, yet we're doing it. Pulling through. And not just sloughing through in knee deep mud anymore either.
Ok, sorry for the fluffy lovey stuff...well, no actually I'm not, but ya know, if it makes you feel better. I guess lyrics should come next, and what could be more fitting:

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"
Maroon5- She Will Be Loved

Man, I love that song. Also Counting Crows "Big Yellow Taxi." That's a cool song too.

Awaiting the fireworks

So Christmas is over, the presents all given and recieved, the food all eaten (except a little strawberry pie I'm hiding in the back of the fridge hehehe). I think I'm better off than I was before Christmas, in pretty much every way possible. It's amazing to me how just a holiday can make things better. Just the "spirit" of Christmas can bring a person from tears of worry and sadness to tears of joy. This Christmas was kind of odd though. It felt like Christmas, but at the same time...it didn't. I really missed my Grandma this year...it's odd to me how she's been gone almost 3 years. It seems like barely 6 months ago to me... everything has been moving so quickly. I look back and my head is spinning at everything I've missed. There are so many more things I've wanted to do by now...I want to slow time so that I can go through and enjoy every beautiful thing that confronts me. I feel like I'm being shoved through a small hole and told that my only objective, my only focus, is BME. I am to have no life, no free time, no friends. I realized over the break that my best friend...the person that I talked to about everything up until college...that I hadn't seen her in 6 months. I found that ridiculous. I know that I'm supposed to be moving beyond everything, but... to leave a best friend behind? Sometimes I look at the path I am leading and wonder if anyone will even be there at the end. In 3, 5 ,10 years, will there be anyone there? I hope so. I've been wondering if the path I have taken is the right one for me. Should I really be an engineer? I mean, come on, look at me...do I look like an "aspiring ENGINEER"??? I don't know what else I would do, but sometimes I think I'm making a bad choice. It's not a very good feeling. Being somewhere you aren't sure you want to be...with nowhere else you want to go... I know what I don't want, but somehow that doesn't narrow it down enough. I just hope I don't end up at the end of a dark tunnel with nothing surrounding me but blank faces and shattered dreams.

So this whole "break" thing...I don't think it understands what it is. It's supposed to be a time between mass schoolwork in which I don't do too much of anything and just kinda sit around and relax and be happy. Well, the break decided to say "fuck you Heather". The first few days were good, but after that it's been filled with lack of sleeping, sleeping pill and anti-twitch cocktails to go to sleep and appointments. Oh, and I found out I'm anemic too. Apparently quite a bit so. That's why (up until a few days ago) I'd been sleeping so much I guess. So the lady told me some stuff to eat and some stuff to drink and etc etc etc, so that's gonna get worked on sometime too. I'm tired of dealing with things, I'm tired of things being my fault, I'm tired of being a terrible person, I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired...of being tired. Oh, and Merry Christmas. And if anyone wishes me a Happy Christmahanukwanzmekah I'll kill them. Stupid commercial. I think Blake might have been right, it's going to be the next damn Hallmark holdiay. If they don't sue them for stealing it.....

Ever seen that Christmas story where you have Coldmeiser and Heatmieser? And everything Coldmeiser touches turns to ice and everything Heatmeiser touches melts? Separate, they brought pretty much destruction...but ever wonder what would happen if they both touched the same thing at the same time? Interesting question. Yes, this has purpose... I'm getting there. I think sometimes people don't see things like these. They see the small picture, the petty arguments, the stupid bad things, but don't look at what happens when everything combines. I do it too, and I really should stop. What I'm trying to say is, perhaps we should stand back and look before us, at what we have had part in creating. I know you're probably saying "oh god please don't say we should join hands and sing Kumbaya" No, that's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that as of late I think I have missed out on a lot of beautiful and wonderful things that have happened both around me and to me. I have taken words for granted, and only realized this when they were not spoken. I have taken small things that I really do appreciate for granted, once again not realizing until they are removed. I miss them when they are gone, and once they return I cherish them so much more. People as well, though sometimes I don't act it...my apologies for this. I miss people a lot when they're gone...

2 down 2 to go!

2 finals...over! just 2 more on Tuesday and I'm all done. About freakin' time....

So I'm at home to see my puppy, she got home from the vet Tuesday with her heartworm stuff and this is the first chance I've had to come check on her. She's doing really well, which makes me happy :-D

That's pretty much all for now I guess. Going to Jason's Christmas party for his job tomara, that should be fun. :) I miss getting to do stuff like that, especially with him. It's a nice change :-D
Then back to studying... :(

1 down 3 to go!

So the orgo final. Over. YAAY! And, not to jinx it, but I think I did well. I hope so, I could use the A. Definitely. Next up...engi math. That one could be a bit more difficult, especially since everyone I know that I could study with in the class is...lets say "not doing so well." I wish I knew those smart people who sit in the front and always make A's. FUCK THEM. The assholes. >:( But anyway, I have to do well on my physics final too, if I want the B or maybe MAYBE (slim chance in hell) the B+ that I'm wishing for. Stupid physucks. Grrr. Stupid of stupidness.

So that's about all that's going on. My dog went in to the vet today for her heartworm treatment (that's the price for picking up a stray) but she's so worth it. She's the sweetest thing ever :) even if she doesn't listen too well sometimes. They said she can come home tomorrow or maybe Wednesday depending on how she is, but that so far she's doing really well. Poor pup :( I hope she gets to go home soon.

I found a song that I think explains things pretty well...Well I didn't find it really, I was just listening to the CD and was actually listening to this part instead of it being background music, and heard the words and...yeah...

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they’re falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
~Evanescence; Imaginary

My own little world seems so inviting, if people saw it but for just a moment they'd want to take it away...

So I had a post about everything I feel right now, well kinda...more like everything I feel in comparative terms to things people can understand...but I decided that it would be confused for something else, a rant about Jason (which it was not) a poor me sad story (which it was not) or something else...which it also was not. So it's not there. It's chilling on my computer with all the other blogs that never made it to post. Instead you get bullshit fluff crap about how I had a post but decided that some people shouldn't see my feelings.

Oh and you also get this:
No, no you don't
end

So I want the damn break to be here, I want the semester to be over. I don't get to go to New York this Christmas, that kinda makes me sad, but it makes me look forward to the summer, when I will be able to go. The Thanksgiving trip to New Braunfels... also cancelled because of the rain, that sucks too. Hopefully interesting things will still happen. I almost want to say that I can't wait to go home, I want to see my puppy (it's been over a week). But I know it's gonna be pretty boring otherwise. Which isn't really a problem actually it'll prally be kinda nice....but I know there's so much stuff I need to do over break... and I want to spend time with my family, but all the shit I gotta do is going to keep that from happening excessively... We're going to Cleveland (not Ohio) for T-day, and maybe Saturday or Sunday my mom and I will do Christmas decorating stuff. I can already tell that I'm not going to want to come back to school, and studying for finals is going to be really hard, but hopefully this semester will be rewarding. I'm feeling pretty good about all of my classes (except I'm kinda worried about physics) but his curve and my A on the 1st test should hopeully make that grade bearable. I don't want to inish my stupid paper....it makes me sad. So it's 3 am and I have a 1/4 of a page to go. I think I might just fuck with the margins a little. Ok well back to that, I'm pretty much out of stuf to say....

So my Quizilla fix for...a while...

I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla


SWEET TEEN!!! Yes you are a teenager mmmm from 13
- 19 quite a little rebel haha just kidding...
You think as a teenager, you see everything
quite simple, soon you will realize it is not
that simple. In my opinion you look at things
in a very beautiful way. =)


. What is you inner age?
brought to you by Quizilla

Orgo test III...finally over. Unfortunately the lab final is Monday. I'm not exactly sure what to expect. Luckily Dr. Bean wrote the fianl instead of the TA's, so maybe it won't be filled with random bullshit that no one knows anyway. I think I did really well on my orgo test, despite the fact that I could have really fucked up a 25 something point section (stupid facts :-/) Oh well, I potentially fixed the 1 point above the curve grade from last time. Hopefully.

So I think that professors shouldn't all think that it's necessary to cram the last bit of shit they feel they need to teach into the last week (or 2 days) before Thanksgiving break. It's like "hey they're getting a break! Let's shove so much shit in before it that it becomes not worth the effort because we're asshole professors! Yaaaay!" Eh, oh well, the semester is almost over, thank goodness. Unfortunately next semester seems like it might be filled with just as much if not more rapage. Stupid ECE classes. Do I look like I want to ever touch a computer for anything but websurfing, AIM, email and the occasional word processing/spreadsheet? Fuck no! If I want something that isn't included in that list done, I'll hire someone to do it. Duh. Which is why all these other people taking these classes are there...and I shouldn't be. The CHEE class I'm taking could be cool. Or really really bad, depending on how Dr. Capitano is. I'm hoping for choice 1.

In other news, my puppy is doing well. Apparently she is a GIANT spaz. heh, which is awesome. But my mom told me that whenever the phone rings in the shop and the door is open, Jackie (the dog) goes in and looks at the phone like "what the hell is that" and then takes a shoe from the shoe rack just below the phone and brings it to her bed. She doesn't chew on them, doesn't do anything to them, just carries it from the rack to her bed. Apparently there was a pile of about 8 shoes there yesterday. Hmm, I think I have a dog who can tell me how many calls I miss while I'm gone. heh. And you thought she was good for nothin'. My mom is making her an appointment with the vet that is going to do her heartworm stuff next week. I really hope I'm home for that so that I can take care of her and make sure she's ok for the month she's gotta be 'waiting'. Poor puppy. She still doesn't understand "fetch" though...we're getting there though....slowly but surely :P

I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel like I'm failing in all aspects of life. I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden, everything gets all fucked up. I can't have the things I want, I don't want the things I'm getting and I'm not getting anything. I feel like I should just quit at life and go live under a bridge.

On the bright side my puppy remembers me and follows me around when I'm home. I think I should just stay with her all the time. She makes me happy, like maybe I actually did something right.

Back to orgo I guess...... *sigh*

Ian is the coolest.

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Hmm...

Apparently my blog has become boring, nobody seems to comment anymore....eh whatever....

Burnout. Not the game either.

So organic make Heather cry. I don't want to study just because I don't want to see just how much I don't know. I guess everybody was right. I shouldn't have spent all summer in school, I'm burnt out. I don't want to study, I don't want to be in class, I just want to do nothing. Like this weekend, Jason and I went to my house and ended up helping my uncle move all the brush on his land into piles and burn it. It was good. I wasn't doing school, I wasn't doing med center crap, I wasn't doing nothing, I was just doing something that felt like I was getting something accomplished. *sigh* looking forward to Thanksgiving break, maybe going to New Braunfels with Jason. Looking forward to Christmas Break, ending this semester, maybe going to NY again, relaxing, maybe a job in addition to med ctr stuff....maybe not. We'll see. Yeah, looking forward to a lot of stuff that isn't right now. Wishing it kinda was. That's about it, I'm forcing myself to go study now. An A or B is necessary for this exam and I'm going to get it dammit.