Thinking is far too little a luxury right now, but more something that must be done. I was reading my friends DeadJournal and I came across a quote that made me wonder:

People who think they are truly happy are at least a little ignorant. (actually I lost the exact quote, but that was the jist of it)

Is this true? Is happiness worth ignorance? And if ignorance is bliss, then why do people choose to lead lives of enlightenment? I was once told that dreams do come true. I sometimes seriously doubt it. A very close friend also once told me that if I look up at the stars, one of them is there just for me. I wonder if my star burned out. She told me to follow my heart and my dreams. What happens though....if I work my whole life trying to accomplish something...and I fall short. I never reach my goals, I never accomplish my dreams. Does that mean my whole life is worthless? That everything I have worked for is for nothing? Or what if, say, I do accomplish these said dreams or goals. Then what? Without a reason to live, what is the reason for living? Or, another case scenario, what if I accomplish everything I set out to, but I still feel as if I've fallen short. Would that not leave a giant gaping black hole of 'unaccomplishment' (for lack of real word). I'm scared to death. Really. Completely paralyzed by the fear of what is to come of me. My two biggest fears are being alone and not doing anything worthwhile with my life.

If I could have one wish, I know exactly what I would want. Unfortunately, I don't think it could ever happen. I wish that I could be one of those people who says they are going to do something and really end up doing it. My laziness and inability to follow through with things have been my downfall in many occasions. I feel I could be a lot happier with myself if I did the things I say I should/want to do. As hard as I try to follow through with things, be more decisive and finish things that I start, I find myself unable to. I feel as though I have cheated myself out of so many things because of my lackidaisical nature that thinking of what a great person I could be makes me sick when I look and see the nothing I am. I could be such a....such a good person, yet I remain a nobody, something that can just be tossed aside like an old toy. I feel as if, had I tried, I could be anywhere I wanted doing anything I wanted right now. Yet here I sit, unable to control even minor aspects of my life. I hear people telling me how proud they are of my so called 'accomplishments', yet I look and see nothing noteworthy about my life. I have never worked for anything, yet I complain about everything that I encounter. I have never experienced hardship, yet I talk down to those who have and try to overcome it. I realize now that I am nothing more than a generic, untrustworthy, dishonest, two-faced, lying bitch. I have become the epitome of everything I hate.

I watched Donnie Darko tonight (again). One of my favorite movies. I really like the song choice at the very end.

Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me