Ouch.

Ouch, that sums it up quite nicely. It hurts to be hurt, even if I brought it upon myself as I always do. I would never wish what I feel on anyone, no matter how much I disliked them, because of all the mental turmoil that i somehow seem to withstand and still function. Why can't things just be simple? Everything has to be complicated by something else...Whyyy? Just make it easy. I don't know how... I guess if I did I wouldn't have problems. Man, I feel like I complain about things in here way too much. I hate talking to people about my problems, but I feel I need to tell someone. I guess that's the thing about good friends: you can be stupid and blind and vent to them and even if they disagree, they listen...at least until you're done...then they have free reign (at least for me) to tell me exactly what they think - how much of a dumbass I am, how stupid and blind I've been, how I shouldn't put up with the 'bullshit' (this is them talking, not me, remember) that I do...everything. It kinda puts stuff in perspective even if I don't take their advice. Which I normally don't, at least not at first..."I told you so is a phrase I hear all too often, yet in almost 18 years I have not learned to at least consider the advice I'm given before I try to convince myself that "my situation is soooooooo much different" Even now, when I see that I should see this, and I know what I see, I still don't do it. Language is a very powerful tool: it can be used in many ways, even though I CAN SEE IT being used against me, I still neglect to do anything about it. What can I say, when I'm happy I tend to neglect common sense and logic - they don't seem to apply in the real world...at least not mine. In my mind, why would I go out of my way to rid myself of something that makes me happier than anything else around me? Something that, just by being there, can brighten my day? Perhaps I'm no longer being as vague as I intended to...

Why is it that when you seem to be at the bottom, with nowhere to possibly go but up (so you think things have to get better) that somehow a new level of dirt is removed from your hole, leaving you at the bottom of a pit too deep to see the light at the top? I feel like one of those fish that live deep in the ocean, where no light penetrates...only they don't know light...and I do. Man, I just compared myself to a fish...ewww.

So here's what I think...even with people telling me that I should give up, even with people telling me that it's not worth it, even with people telling me that "I told you so" is soon to be said many times to me...I'm happy - or have the potential to be...once 'things' are decided. Forgiveness granted, trust *being* regained, hope restored, at least for me...I hope.

Man, way to be specifically vague...or vaguely specific...or in some cases, not vague at all. Oh well, I tried. Pretty hard. I just write what I hear in my head...think...I mean what I THINK in my head.....

*Mocking tone* "Oh, I'm gonna do some chanting, and all off a sudden all of my enemies are gonna be smited, everyone I've ever hated is gonna die...I think you just listen to too much Morrisey and have watched The Craft one too many times...that and your tiny little baby cauldron...as if you're the shit...as if you're part of the fucking cast of The Craft" - Foamy the Squirrel