My purpose: MIA

Remind me why I'm still here. Because I'm not sure.

Damn, I should be fucking ecstatic. I got a goddamn 91 on my cal3 test. Somehow that happiness faded into, well, into the re-realization of the evils of humanity - i.e. that people are just plain fuckin' bad. Whenever I think of this, I am reminded of a movie line from the Matrix (yeah the original...you know, the good one?)

Smith to Morpheus: The human race is a virus, a plague...

I don't remember the rest of the line, but that always sticks out. As true. I really can't think of many examples to the contrary.

It also reminds me of how I explain my like/dislike of people. I guess I used trust people until given a reason not to. Now, though, with some people at least, I don't trust them until given a reason why I should. Maybe I open up (at least my outer layers) to people too easily. Let them almost see my real feelings, which are kept hidden away in the notebook I just finally brought back to campus. I dunno.

I think maybe I'm beginning to think that maybe it doesn't matter too much what you do while you're alive here. With very, very rare exception, nobody is remembered for anything, and the life span of a human is so miniscule compared with everything else...why bother trying to make a difference? Why is it seen as so damn wrong by many to just go along and try to do what makes you happy? I'm happy a lot. I'm happy when I'm eating ice cream, when I watch the sun set over a cloudless sky, when I lie on the roof of my car at night and watch the stars, danicng in the rain. Lots of stuff.

And then I guess I wake up and realize that dreams and wishes aren't happiness. And that even though I might not be by myself, I'm alone. Maybe that's where the trouble lies. My fear of being alone. That one day all will tire of me and leave. And I'll be left to face this hell called life without so much as a hand to hold out a tissue.

Have you ever wondered what people would do if you just disappeared? (I think Jared was talking about this) I mean, how many people do you think would actually go looking for you? Hell, I barely get looked for if I'm not online...what if I wasn't even in the same country....or continent? Fiji looks more and more appealing all the time.

The movie tonight was pretty good. I think Kreuger and Jason should cover their bathroom floor in cotton balls. Someone in my room is snoring really loud and might get something thrown at them. I greatly dislike many things that happen, but don't have the idea of the means to change them, though I wish I could. If you really loved (or really hated) me, you'd buy me a one-way ticket to Fiji. Any one of the islands will do.