I don't know what to do. I think I hit that "I don't know what I want to do with my life" stage that most people hit when they're like...12. All my life I've known what I wanted. Literally since I was 3 years old. Now...it has lost the shiny appealing feeling. I was talking to Jason and Hartschuh (or rather they were talking and I was just kind of listening and interjecting a little. But they're right. Doctors have become like fucking lawyers. Begging people to come to them and not 'the next guy.' Sure, maybe when I'm 50 and established I'll make a few bucks. But only after I charge the poor dying 5 year old kid $80,000 for a new kidney...and that's just my fee. Not to mention the $400 a month anti rejection medication he'll have to be on. Doctors here depress me more everyday. But still, even without that I don't know what I want to do. Honestly, I'm getting really tired of going to the med center. It was really interesting, until I pretty much found out that the things I could try to find didn't exist and that I was too stupid (or rather "didn't have the knowledge") to know how to come up with something that would work. Honestly, I'm not even sure what's being done. Everything of importance I find out or try to do I assemble and give to my boss, but really I don't hear much of anything back. I'm not exactly sure what it is that is being done right now, but it seems like a hell-lot-of-nothing.

And classes. I think the goal at this university is to screw people over. To keep them here as long as possible and to make as many schedule conflicts as you can. I have the choice of either taking the "good" professors for my classes and ending up having class 10-12 and 12-6 on Friday, with exams 3x from 7-830... OR taking the profs that people say "NO DON'T TAKE THEM!!!" and having less class everyday...i.e. spread out stuff. Damn, I love college. The screw-you-over-while-I-take-your-money attitude, the living in a cement box, the overpriced and undernourishing food. Yes, I totally understand why people want to stay in college forever. It makes perfect sense. Any more sense and I think I might believe myself.

But I should end on a good note. Things this semester are going decently. Smoothly, even. No mental breakdowns, no C's or C-'s (at least not so far). I should be happy for that which I have, instead of dreading that which is to come. Appreciative of the hours I am able to spend on comprehending what I'm doing instead of the pointless hours spent not understanding like last year. Ecstatic that my relationship...IS now a relationship. And I am all of these things. Honestly, this is the best semester I have had so far. I just wish that I could carry that on. Instead I feel as if next semester might just make me go insane. Yay.

Oh, and what would people think if my hair looked like this? Comments welcome.

So orgo. Bad. BAD. But I beat the curve (after asking for regrade) so I guess I'm happy. Had an engi math test today. super rapage. :( But apparently everyone did bad. Even the people who knew what they were doing. So that makes me feel a little better I guess. *sigh* :(

Voted. YAY! I have a say in what happens to my country. Well, kinda... you know....aloing with the other 20 bazillion people. But my vote DOES count :) so does yours if you voted.

I don't really have much to say...obviously. yeah kinda bored. BORED. booooooorrrrrrreeeeeeddddddd.
end

Not sure what's going on. Should be studying for my organic test that is in 3 hours 19 minutes and counting. But I can't concentrate too well right now. I guess I'll find out later.

Otherwise, not much going on. I'm going home tomorrow, presumably with Jason, because my mom wants me to watch my little sister. It'll be nice I guess, see my family and all, after all it has been like 2 weeks or something. And like 4 or 5 days since I've even talked to any of them. Went to the doctor, found out I'm normal. Yay for genericism. (deleted by the way) The one time I don't mind being normal is stuff like that.

I dunno, I think I'm doing everything I need to be, then randomly "I'm not." It kinda sucks. I guess that life, change is the only constant.

I was thinking about relationships the other day (not only mine, in general also). And how once you do something, it's really hard to not continue. Like how do you go 17 years sleeping alone and then after just a few weeks of having someone beside you, it seems so hard to sleep by yourself? Since when does a twin bed seem "too big" for just you? I've talked to other people who have said the same things, so I don't think it's just me. Maybe Foamy is right...we all just sit around trying to validate ourselves by being in a relationship, but when I turn and see a smiling sleepy face staring at me every morning (not so much anymore since it leaves at 645, but still, you know what I mean) it makes me pretty freakin' happy.

Well, down to 3 hours 6 minutes til orgo test...so I should probably look over those reactions some more.

I should have something to say...
Studying for Orgo test. It's not this Friday but next. I think even if I put 30 hours into it, it might still rape me. Not gonna be fun. I guess I need to understand how to put something 3-D on paper better. *sigh* Maybe that's why I like the ones that aren't meant to be 3-D. They're just flat. It makes me happy.

Kinda worried about things that are happening. Hopefully Monday will clear all that up. Til then, I guess I just have to wait. And hope it's not bad. Maybe I'm just retarded? I'd take that over some of the alternatives. Willingly.

I was reading the card Jason gave me at the beginning of the semester today. It makes me sad to see that I almost screwed up just like he did. But it makes me happy to see that I didn't. That I was willing to work it out. It makes me even happier to see that he was as well. I think we progressed farther in 2 weeks than we ever had before. I made another blog then, one that people could see but no one knew about - to express feelings I didn't feel I could express to him. It didn't help. You know what did? Telling him how I felt. Talking through half the night. Just talking. Hearing him say things that were relevant, not just random shit. Hearing about his life before me, hearing about things that were totally new to me. It's made it kind of bother me that it seems people don't think he has feelings. That they can say whatever they want to him, about him...just whatever they want...and he won't be affected. *sigh* Definitely not true. Sometimes I forget that. But I think most of the time everyone else does.

Anyway, that's just something I've noticed. I've also noticed that they're slowly...one by one...powerwashing the buildings on campus. I think that they look really good. I'm glad they're taking initiative to make the campus look nice. Perhaps next someone will do something about the terrible roads around here. *shrug* One battle at a time I suppose.

Back to studying orgo it is. Because I don't want the raping that will follow if I don't. Oh, and engi math...is the suck. But not as bad as physics. Which is the super suck. And history is just boring. I think that's why I want to do so well in orgo. It's the only class I'm taking this semester that I really like. Like enjoy. Like it's interesting. Like I'm taking orgo II, (for premed req) but I think I might've anyway, even though it's not in my degree plan. Maybe I should've done something more chem related. Eh, who knows.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Wow, yay for being a nutzo. *gasp*

The longest blog I've ever written...

and it's not even here... :-/

Yes, I did steal this from Brittnee's blog. It was too crazy to only be posted in one place I think. Perhaps he shouldn't get a new penis if he was dumb enough to piss the old one away? Literally...

Anyway, not much going on here, lots of organic studying. I'm not freaked out about the test yet, but I do have 2 more practice tests to do (granted I've done decently well on the first 2) We shall see, we shall see... My goal: beat a 97. Guess whose 97 it is :P But hey, at least I've got goals, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought I'd get a little time off after my orgo test Friday, but it seems that Saturday morning/afternoon (depending on when I get up :P) I'm going up to the Woodlands to catch up on all the engi math I've fallen behind on due to all my orgo studying. (for that test Tuesday) Ah, and just when I thought I'd get a break there....here comes the phys test that I will be studying for from Tuesday til Friday. Then, after much toil, I do get a break. Which makes me happy. Very happy. YAY. Ooh, why am I even writing this? I need to be studying. Oops. Byebye.

:-(

You know that feeling you get when you do something that comes from the back of your mind and you just type it and don't really know exactly what you're saying? And you look back and you read it and somehow it makes sense and you feel a little bit better because you got something out that wasn't really bothering you and isn't truly the way you feel, but it's that little nagging thing that you think about every once in a while? I shouldn't do that anymore, because when people do the same in response to me...it sucks a lot and makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I think I might start another blog besides this one with a random name just to post stuff like that on. I dunno, that way I could get it out and say it but it wouldn't be something people would read so I wouldn't hurt anyone and so no one would hurt me. Perhaps thats a good idea.

Ever dislike someone so much that just so much as seeing them makes you want to explode? That hearing about their well-being makes you angry? That knowing that somehow there is someone out there who could like them gives you a feeling of utter confusion? This "you are the most terrible person in the world" mentality doesn't come from nowhere. It stems from something, and I believe that it will be there until something changes. A lot has changed, granted - and that I am thankful for because I don't think my situation would be the same had nothing changed. Maybe I'm just stingy or something, because as thankful as I am (perhaps I haven't expressed my gratitude as much as I mean to) it seems that it still isn't good enough. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I'm a giant hypocrite, but I guess I can't stop the way I feel. And right now I feel like what "should be good enough" isn't. Every time I see it i get angry, every time I get angry I leave and every time I leave all I can think about is the past. And I see it again. And again and again, every time it's "different" but every time it's the same.

I think that a "fresh start" is impossible, life is tainted and molded by the past, the past is what keeps you from doing things you would want to, the past is what makes you do things you don't. I don't think "forgive and forget" exists either. It pretends to, or rather, a person pretends to, may even actually forgive, but the incident is never forgotten. There is always that thought in the back of one's mind... "They did it before, what's stopping them from doing it again?" This is the biggest factor in tainting the past I think. Stupid decisions that are "forgiven and forgotten" but not really. I think people believe that they are forgotten, but there still is the underlying resentment, even if it's just a tiny bit. I think that people enjoy the pain that comes with failure, otherwise they wouldn't screw up so often.

I think that I have no idea what I just wrote...it came and went without my mind processing it. Take that as you will....

Apparently I thrive on pity, have a terrible fear of being alone and am constantly in a state where something is wrong - physically/mentally.

Comments welcome. *shrug* What've I got to lose?

I just read Brittnee's latest blog...wow chica where did that come from??? hehe freakin' awesome. I had to say something about it, I just had to. :P For those of you too lazy to click on the link....shame on you I'm not going to steal it from her. Click on the damn link. CLICK ON IT! Oh, and Jason: you need to update. I'm tired of looking at the really old blog. Blake...you too. The angry Amanda post is old :P So hah!

I don't want to finish my paper. I'm at the 3 and 1/2 page point and I'm stuck. I really need to finish it because I've got physics to do and I want to get it to Blake so he can look over it without being rushed or annoyed. *sigh* This is why I'm an engineer and not a "liberal arts/social science" major. A few of us were talking about the term 'social science'. But I'm not going to get into that now. Instead I'm going to make myself finish my paper. Yes, finish the paper, Heather, finish the paper....

Is gratuity the right word?

I've decided that people call far too much attention to themselves. I really wish my digital camera still worked. In fact, I might buy a new one. I think I am going to set up a photo blog based on the pictures of terribly gratuitous things. This started as my comment of "the gratuitous truck of the day" speaking about all of the giant, jacked up, 'penis compensating' trucks out there with the bars and the lights and god knows what else. I might see them as slightly less gratuitous if they weren't squeaky fucking clean. I mean these trucks have never even seen dirt. *sigh* Yes, this is how it started. And then came the creepy lady who must've been in her late 30s to early 40s (ie supposed to be professional and....in the workforce) with bright pink hair. I mean hot pink and down near her waist. She became gratuitous person #1. Now I search for these people, vehicles, and other gratuitous things, hoping to find them and wishing I had a camera. So if you see a link go up on the side of my blog or in my profile, click on it...it might be funny....or at the least....gratuitous :P

You've had warning.

Ok, Haloscan = not working....guess I'll have to use retard Blogger comments. *sigh*

Dammit, I wanted to change the look of my blog...that's it...and now....all my old comments.....GONE. POOF! Grrrr stupid not knowing html....oh well...I guess I'll have to start fresh....here we go again.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

How Many Licks...?

A group of engineering students from Purdue University recorded that their licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. They tried the same licking test on 20 volunteers and found that the average licks to the center were 252 licks.

A chemical engineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recorded that his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per Tootsie Pop.

A group of students at Swathmore School used human lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took an average of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Based on the wide range of results from these scientific studies, it is clear that the world may never know how many licks it really takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

Figured I'd update...it seems necessary. Class is going suprisingly well so far... I'm impressed. I've been studying and doing my work and trying to keep up; and thus far it's been working and I feel like I comprehend everything I need to be comprehending. I need to look over some Orgo stuff cuz we learned some new structure diagrams (I think that's what they're called) yesterday, and I have to finish my lab to turn in tomorrow, and I need to finish my engi math stuff, but I think I can do the last two pretty quickly and then spend some quality time with my giant orgo book doing examples to make sure I understand. Because understanding is good.

Ok, so that was the "nerd" section of my post...where I talk about class and HW and stuff...

I think I've realized some important feelings/emotions in the last few days. I've realized what it's like to push a choice and get nowhere and then give up and stop pushing and somehow it all falls into place. I've realized what it's like to feel guilty about not feeling guilty (think about that one, I think it makes sense?) I've realized that maybe the past should be put there and the future should stay there...and maybe I should just live for the moment because that's all I really have. I think the more that I start to look to the future and try to mold it into what I want to be and where I want to be and what I want to be doing the more I screw it up. Maybe that's "something" telling me that I should stop trying to fuck with things and just go. Stop uncertainties and decide...all that kind of thing.

Have you ever heard about something and felt bad about what happened and then you hear who it's about and you don't feel bad anymore? Is that "wrong"? Yes, I'm being vague. No it's probably not what you're thinking. Comments welcome. Really.

Yes, I did delete the last post. You probably read it anyway.

So, school has started now...suprisingly more of a letdown than I would have hoped. I mean, it's great to be back in the dorms (ie away from home), it's great to see everyone again, it's great to be back....but so much crap that I've had to deal with already. Jeez..! But eh it's not that important. What's important is that after the not-so-good summer, I'm back to things being okay. We're back to it too. Which is good.

I went for a little while kind of lost....I didn't know where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I led myself astray; I was both the wolf and the sheep. I felt as if what had seemed so right wasn't -- like I had been turned upside down and shaken until my brain oozed out my ears. I think I can say that I've stuffed by brain back in and things seem to be calming, more things are being realized, less forgotten. I want to find myself still, I'm climbing my way back, one hand over the other... "a tenth of a mile at a time". I want everything to be allright, I would say that I want the world, but I don't. The world is a terrible terrible place, and I think I am much happier here, with just a small part of it.

Go to sleep, tiny dancer...

I had such a fun week last week, hung out with really awesome people that I'm gonna miss lots :( (come visit!) saw lots of funny movies, played pool, had good food (the molten chocolate thingy at Chili's ROCKS) and lots of other stuff.

Can't wait til I get back to a decent net connection so I can d/l music at a reasonable speed again. Started packing about...30 minutes ago. Yay for moving back to UH. I'm so excited :) About retreat too. Can't wait to see everyone again and meet all the new people and all that. I've decided that college would be great if it weren't for all the damn classes. I might go to Austin over Labor Day to see Alana at UT, since she's come down here like twice now (granted she did live here for like...til she graduated) I dunno, it's all still in the planning stages, we'll see as it gets close I suppose...class might prove more bastardly even than I plan....and I plan on it being pretty bastardly...

Hmm, well I should probably finish packing and loading shit into my car so I can leave ASAP tomorrow...don't want to be here any longer than I have to...no really. I don't. At all. Not even a little.

I went to this really awesome Cajun restaurant with Chris last night before the random concert thing. It was really good, one of those little restaurants not many people know about kind of things...great gumbo (not as good as Shana's mommys gumbo though of course) So then we went to the random concert at this random place and watched people mosh because Chris got to be the "hold-the-money-box" bitch. I thought the band was pretty good, a lot of "screamy" bands (for lack of time to think of a better word) don't do it very well, but they were definitely an exception to that. Still not sure what Roman was saying, but it sounded good :P Saw the first Spiderman finally so now I can go see the 2nd one.

I've also realized that playing pool is really fun. I think it's totally dependent on the people you're with, but then again I guess that goes for everything... and I think it's kind of made me realize that some people just try not to have fun. I'm not sure how to explain it, it's like maybe they think they're "too mature" for fun or something, but whatever. I don't think that's what maturity is. But if it is, I think I'll pass. Fuck that, I can be serious and work-oriented. But that doesn't mean I don't want to have fun when I'm done.

Well, I'm off for another exciting night of "hmm, what should I do tonight...? *ring ring* hey, what's up yeah I'm pretty bored no I dunno what I'm doing tonight oh yeah? sure, sounds cool. *hang up* mom I'm going out, be back later no mom I don't know what we're doing yet...do i ever? ok mom I'll call... *door shuts, car starts*"

Wow, that was spastic :P Somehow it always ends up being fun though :-D yay!

Went to play pool, it was super fun, I should do that more often. :P Got to see a few people that I haven't seen in almost a year and some people I see on a more regular basis, at least for the summer
We were gonna go to Le Behr's but it got too late too quick, so that trip got postponed. Then we were gonna go swimming but by the time everybody got something to swim in and we got to the hotel that we know the guy who works there only like 2 people were left ready to swim... so that fell thru too. So we just ended up pretty much playing pool and then driving around. But it was SOOO fun :)
Oh man, what now? :-/ Yipe....

Adiuva Me

I guess my recent blogs must not be very interesting to anyone...not a single comment since the 29th...and lotsa people are reading...or at least pretending to I guess. Eh, whatever, this place is more for me anyway, you just get to look at it. And comment. Or not :P

Saw Manchurian Candidate tonight. Denzel Washington, once again, amazing. Liev Schreiber, also, amazing. The movie, twisted as hell. Overall, very good.

I think I should take a vacation to Fiji. A really long one. I think the word for that is 'move'.

So after feeling absolutely wonderful after frisbee last night, tonight I think I might dig a really big hole and live there for eternity. Yay for a giant river of emotion toppling over my tettering wall of sanity. Maybe I should just play frisbee everyday or something...at least then I'd have more contact with people than a blinking monitor. Maybe that's my problem...I don't get out enough. But probably not.

Radio - Alkaline Trio another favorite song of the moment, along with
The Freshman - The Verve Pipe

I'm completely down-to-earth! Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

You are the most in touch with knowledge. It's the tree of life from which you tap the sap. You know what you want and you know how to reasonably get it.

Virtues: You respect people with plans. When someone has their head on their shoulders, you know that they can see straightforward and keep their eyes on the mark. When it comes to looking at the future, you take a logical approach: what's within your ability? A fortunate attribute that you have is the ability to set a goal for yourself, higher than maybe you feel possible, but still keep yourself within reasonable bounds. You take the time to appreciate those surrounding you and they do appreciate you in return. Decision-making comes naturally to you when you take the time to consider each option. People only come to talk to you when they are looking for a logical, reasonable solution.

Aspirations: You have an idea of what you can do with your life, but you push it up a notch. You need a profession that you can enjoy, so work towards it. You want to live near your friends and family while being as far away as possible. You also want to settle down while working in excitement and variation.

Quirks: You don't appreciate drama queens and they don't appreciate you. When they need help, they won't seek you out because of your ability to see through their overly dramatic predicaments. You have leeway for humor, and sometimes love to participate in it, but when it becomes irrational behavior, others can count you out. Loud noises are bothersome, except when they come from you or your friends.

Factors: Reach for the sky! Don't decide to do something because you're merely good at it, but choose something you might like to do, despite whether you're sure you can master it or not. Don't only save room for a few empathetic friends, but open up to everyone.

Future: When looking for a job, if you work in all of your talents (logic, decision-making, planning, and definitely humor), you'll find yourself happy. Come to a compromise for location; live nearby your friends and take periodic vacations or live farther away and take frequent return trips.

So you know when you were a little kid and some kid did something mean to you and you told your mom/dad and they went out and "talked" to the kid and everything was "all better"? Yeah, why are problems so much harder to solve now? What did our parents do to fix whatever was wrong and why can't we do the same and fix the problems now? *sigh*

"Domine, Domine, Deus
Domine, Adiuva Me"

So I think I pretty much found people to fix my computer. I'm looking at 2 companies; one I will order the screen and casing from and replace it myself, and the other I will take my computer to and they will put a new screen into the existing casing (ie I couldn't do that myself) So the company I'd order from is cheaper, but in like...Pennsylvania or something. The other company is slightly more expensive, but they'd be doing all the install stuff, with warranty (not that I trust warranties anymore...) and they're close, somewhere downtown. So one way my comp would be out of comission for a bit, the other I'd take to them and have it back a few hours later... we'll see soon I guess.

So recently an old song has come to mind a lot. I'm not sure why, granted it used to be one of my favorite songs, but it just seems kind of odd that it would come up now. As I sit here, it seems that the lyrics are the only thing that run through my head, that they are all I can really fixate my thoughts on, though so many other things run through my thoughts that is the only one that has stayed undaunted through the last few days. I find myself singing it at splashtown, humming it in my room, thinking about it as I lay down to sleep. Funny how these things come up at just a moment when you think they never would.

I was reading Kellie's blog and about how she said that through all the problems she's had, happiness was never one of them. I found that to be amazing. Granted I haven't had a terrible life by any stretch of the imagination, especially compared to the things she's put up with for so long, but it seems like happiness is like the tide; it's something that comes and goes for me. I've not ever really been at a point where I "wasn't sure" if I was happy or not. I guess that might be a bad thing, but I've always either been happy with things or unhappy with them. And now I have to go take a shower so Jason and I can go get his daddy a present. So there goes that train of thought. Derailed for now.

I found, or rather was introduced to some new bands recently. So I downloaded their stuff, and (remember I'm on a 56K for the summer) finally got it all, and started listening to it. I'm sure pretty much everybody that reads this won't like it, maybe a couple people...anyway. So yeah, I like most of the stuff so far...
 
Here's the one I like the best thus far:
The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes
Actually from what I've downloaded and heard I like a lot of their stuff. Modest Mouse has a few good songs, but others are outright terrible. They got deleted. Alkaline Trio is pretty cool, as is Brand New. I also like The All-American Rejects. And that's all I remember without looking through my playlist right now.
 
Played frisbee last night, super fun. I miss good frisbee :( Went to Taco C's for a while afterward (this being around 11 or so), and stayed there and chilled for awhile. Had far too much Dr. Pepper and couldn't sleep. And when I did finally sleep had terrible, terrible dreams. Woke up about every hour... finally got real sleep after my alarm went off...it's set for 8:50, so I hit the sleep to lay there til 9, turns out that was the 10 minutes of decent sleep I got...so yeah I was utterly exhausted for my test. But frisbee was so awesome. I did terrible the first game (hey, I haven't played in like 3 months!) but then the second game I did better. It felt great. Then we had a short game and I did pretty well then too, everyone was soo tired though. Chris (the only person I knew cuz other Jason had to work) had the awful "shared man sweat" from wearing someone else's shirt once we started playing shirts/skins (yes, I was a shirt :P), so we made fun of him for awhile hehe.
Can't wait to play again next week.
 
Also can't wait to move back to UH. Mixed feelings there though. I kinda like real food and only taking 1 class at a time.

Attempting to teach myself to ride a unicycle. The shins hate me though. Fall + pedal = many shin bruises. For real. But I think for 2 days I'm doing pretty well. I can go down the driveway with PVC poles balancing me a little. (sometimes a lot) and I can go 1/2 to 3/4 of a driveway line without poles (but I still need poles to get onto unicycle). It's pretty fun and gives you a workout :P

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Heather's Disorder
Cause:	pollen
Symptoms:	screaming, forgetfulness, winking, excessive black eyes
Cure:	fire
http://thesurrealist.co.uk/disease" method="get" style="margin:0px;">Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

Haha I don't care what the disease is, the cure is FIRE! That rocks!

So it doesn't help your case when you are trying to explain something intelligent you did during the day to your mom and while going to point to your head to expand upon the "smartness" factor, you poke yourself in the eye. So much for that one, eh?
 
Let's see what else...Still haven't found a decent and inexpensive replacement screen for my laptop. I can see the crystal starting to leak a little more everyday...time is running out for me it seems. Might have to break down and spend the god damn $495 after all... *sigh*
On a better note, chem is going well. The stupid girl I keep speaking of? Yeah, blatent cheating... ::grrr:: makes me so angry. But my grade is still gonna kick her ass. With only my brain too. Ahhh, the sweet feeling of kicking not just 1 person's ass, but about 3. I guess 3 heads aren't better than one (when they're all dumbfucks at least)
 
Med center stuff is going well too, I'm getting to do pretty much all of the cell stuff by myself now, and the cells are growing and waiting to be tampered with :P Yay for playing God. (Now if only I had the power to strike lightning bolts onto people...)
 
Oh and read the comments from the last post if you get a chance...I don't know why, but they're pretty funny :P

So I was talking to Hartschuh, and we decided that we should go on a killing spree to relieve stress from our shitty-deal-with-stupid-people-everyday-jobs. Man, sounds good to me. So I think I'm going to create a hit list of not just specific people, but "cultures" (if you can call them that) and i guess....genres of people who I would like to send to Cuba (after it's nuked and cameras are set up) for the latest reality show (that I didn't personally think up). It would be like Survivor without the stupid bullshit. It would be real Survivor. Like "who can survive the longest on an island that was just nuked without dying from radiation poisoning or cannibalism. Because obviously that would be the only source of food. Man, that not only sounds like the best cable TV family show ever, but the best way to get rid of people who annoy me. There are lots of those.
 
Yeah, so that was pretty much a big ramble. By the way, no I won't post my hit list - for one because it might be offensive and two it could be seen as a threat, even though it shouldn't because it's totally a joke...there, that's my "dont be offended or threatened" disclaimer.
 
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. *sigh* and I don't have time to finish this because I have work tomorrow. *grrr* 

Oh, and only 25 more days.   :)
:abrupt ending:

Yeah, yeah so I jacked it from Chris...it made me remember the times before I realized the world went farther than my doorstep....

Close your eyes....And go back.... Before the Internet or the MAC...Before > >semi automatics and crack...Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...Way back.......
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. 
Red light,Green light. 
Playing kickball &dodgeball until the street lights came on. 
Mother May I?
Red Rover.
Hula Hoops.
Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals. 
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons. Fat Albert, Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force 
The kids from the show Saved By The Bell were your idols, and all the girls were in love with Zack
Wonder Woman &Super Man Underoos.
Playing Dukes of Hazzard. 
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar. 
Christmas morning..you were so happy and now your not that happy lil kid any more
Your first day of school.
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses. 
Climbing trees. 
Getting an Ice Cream off the Ice Cream Truck.
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. 
Jumping down the steps.
Being tired from playing.... 
Your first crush...... 
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the class room. 
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. 
Riding your friends on your handle bars. 
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school. 
Class Field Trips.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance and another quarter a miracle. 
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
I want to go back to the time when............ 
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo",
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. 
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was no big deal to finally be tall enough to ride, the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare".
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!

Fuck tweaking.

So what do you do when you're totally unable to control something that directly involves you...are you supposed to sit back and watch? *sigh*
 
helpless: adj; 1. Unable to help oneself 2. Impossible to control 3. Destitute of help or strength
 
Dammit that's not fair.

So I cheated. I drove to Katy today to have lunch with Jason - that means I get to see him more than once this week :-) Yay for driving 35 minutes for McDonalds hehee. Obviously the McDonalds was what I drove for.... ;-)
 
Lets see, what else...I want to kill the stupid people in my chem class - I don't understand how one person can ask so many questions (99% of which have already been explained) in such a short time frame. I swear class would be 20 minutes shorter a day if about 3 people stopped talking. Damn.
 
Oh, and just 29 days left. I guess I'll be getting more ready when it gets down to numbers that are like...single digits perhaps? But I'm still excited.

The countdown continues...

33 more days.
 
So Blogger changed...again... I'm not sure if I like it, I kinda liked the less idiot-proof-you-can-still-accidentally-fuck-up-your-blog thing, now I feel like I'm in the idiot-proof world of Microsoft. *sigh* I guess dumb people need stuff too...not to say I'm particulary computer savvy, I went without some cool stuff cuz I couldn't figure it out, but I think it should've stayed that way. Give the people who know what they're doing the chance to show it off.
 
Anyway, although I like my chem class (especially in comparison to my phys class) there are some R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D people in there. I don't understand how you can want to be a pharmacy or biology major and think that you don't need chemistry. "As long as I pass it doesn't matter..." yay for the future of healthcare, I'm fucking scared. And there's this one girl....damn she's a fucking moron. It's like the prof will say something and she will repeat it back verbatim as a question 5 mins later. Apparently, the idea of "ionic vs. covalent" (I'm taking chem 2, mind you) is foreign to her. And water doesn't evaporate either. Everyone had a big laugh about that one...except for her. She said she should get an A for the abuse, I say we should play pinata games with her. (Velcro on ceiling + bed = pinata party) And then there is this other girl who must think the prof is a retard because everytime he says something she tries to contradict it. I'm like "Wow, so shut the fuck up. Thanks."  I hope they all (they being the annoying bastards) fail and drop the class. If only I were that lucky. *sigh*
 
Ok, well I guess that's enough ranting, it's bedtime.

35 More Days...

So I'm counting down til I move back into the dorms. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem living at home (most of the time), but I miss seeing everyone :( Especially Jason. I mean obviously I get to see him more than everybody else, but I'm looking forward to seeing him (and everyone else) on a more regular, less one day a week basis.

Anyway, what else...I've been kinda procrastinating the stuff I need to look into for the med ctr...I feel bad, but I'm to the point that there really isn't much of anything I can delve into (that applies to what I'm doing at least). I need to find pictures of unstained platelets, so I've been looking for that but apparently the 'cool' thing to do is stain them unfortunately. For every picture. So I haven't found that yet.

I officially am tired of working at Splashtown. It just isn't fun this year. I'm looking forward to the job at Baker St. I think it will be fun, plus it'll make me a hella lot more money...I wish I was qualified and experienced enough to get paid at the Med Ctr....that would be rockin :P

Not much else goin on...chem is going pretty well, I like the
prof, the class is interesting, I can definetly say I'm enjoying it more than phys. Definetly.

Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

Agnostic
You've probably studied loads of different religions, but you're just not sure if any of it is true. Evolution makes some sense to you, but it doesn't satisfy you. Lastly, your personality is one of question, but you won't go out of your way to find -The Truth- It's more of a hobby.

I guess all those years of church 2x a week just left me woth more questions than answers? Tis true, tis true, not sure what to think.... *sigh of confusion*

In other news, I'm not even going to begin talking about the terrible last 2 days I've had. Gah, doom in a box. But chem is pretty interesting so far. Which is good. And it's later (ie not 8 am) so paying attention is easier too.

I'm done before I start ranting again. My apologies to all who've heard my story.

Hey everybody, Bill Cosby gets recognition for what some of us have been saying for years now. I don't particularly care who changes it, but something should be done. Go Bill!

Also, all those people who try to keep the cool shit for themselves are at it again. Yep, that's right. Lawmakers seem to think it's ok to buy The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but not Resident Evil. C'mon now, I want to kill more people having to watch such a terrible movie than I ever have playing a game.

Saw Fahrenheit 9/11 a few days ago, it was pretty good, Michael Moore made use of some good points, but there was a lot of info in there that was redundant. Maybe I was too little to remember Columbine being all over the news, but this seemed like he threw in a lot more "well no shit everyone knows that" stuff. But it was good, I recommend it, though apparently some people around here don't.

The News of the Weird is pretty, well, uh, weird this time. That's all I have to say about that :P

Also, one more reason to blame...well, anyone but yourself for your problems. Sometimes I am appalled at how things can be written to shift the blame. Words such as "think", "are led to believe", "could"...all of those just mean one study found something that might be true. But hell, let's throw it out to the public anyway so that people can say "Look! It's not my fault!"

Speaking of people not blaming themselves for stuff, why didn't CPS step into this one? I actually saw this show when it was on TV a few days ago. There were a bunch of little kids (all 6 and under) and every single one of them was gigantic! A 117 pound 3 year old? Come on. And the parents say they don't know how their children got like that..."Here baby, have a Twinkie, meh, have a box of Twinkies." I think it's a bit self explanatory when your 5 year old weighs more than you do that maybe, just maybe you're feeding them TOO DAMN MUCH.

That's my $0.02 on the world right now. Well, not the world, but, uh...stuff.

So it sucks to realize you're exhausted 2 hours after you fall asleep studying for your final that is at 8 am the next day. Yay for school! :( One more day :) then 6 more weeks... but chem is better than phys so I'll survive

Ok, the fooding is done, now for my "rant-of-the-moment"...
So with all the bullshit that Splashtown is cramming down our throats about "customer service and satisfaction", you'd think they'd appreciate it when someone goes out of their way to help a guest. But noooooo, I get pulled off stand and bitched out for over 5 minutes. bah, whatever I prally wont be working there much longer anyway. Or at least I'll also have another job as well... I prefer the job where I can make like 15-20x as much in the same amount of time and not have to be in the sun. We'll see Tuesday! Thanks Steve for the potential hook up :-D

Well, that's about it for now, perhaps more later. Still awaiting more people's picture fixes :-D

Here's the link to Ness's redone pic for all of you who were asking. This one should work if you can't get his (see last blog's comment section. Anyone else who would like to attempt the pic is still welcome to and it'll still b uber appreciated. I'll pretty much just take the best one :P

More blogging later tonight, right now I'm going to get food.

Hey everybody, I found a tattoo I wanna get. Only problem is is that part of it is covered in Copyright writing stuff. So I was wondering if any of you could (or would) look at it and see if you could redraw it for me. I'd be much appreciative
:-D

The website is: http://store5.yimg.com/I/luckyfishart_1793_7704844

Yeah, so if anyone has time and does that, just let me know and I'll get it from you and make sure to show you when it's all done :P (but Shhh! don't tell my parents! they'd have a coniption!)

So my parents are fucking retarded. I wish they would make up their damn minds about what they're doing for the weekend so I know what I can do....they've changed their minds like 6 times in the last hour - no seriously. It makes me so mad, they're like "we're not leaving, we are leaving, you're watching your sister, we're taking your sister, we don't know what we're doing yet, why is it such a big deal" and I'm like I need to know if I'm supposed to be watching the little fucktard or if she's going with you....or if you're even fucking leaving. grrrrr I wish they'd just leave and take my sister with them and come back in like a week.

Indecisive bastards. I have plans that I need to know if I can make...

Baleeted!

Yep, like I said, the post that used to be here got edited out. *snip snip* *crumple crumple* yeah, it's definetly gone.

end.

The Continuation (ie part 2) (ie read previous blog for part 1)

Ok, so I finished the last blog in a hurry last night cuz I didn't want to finish it right then. Now I'll finish. So like I was saying....

My "ideal guy"...he'd also have to be romantic, you know, like candlelit dinners or rosepetal baths or even just spontaneous sweet stuff is good :) I was thinking though, that laying out this "ideal guy foundation" may make it seem like I expect all this stuff and such. I don't. That's why it's "ideal". It's one of those things, for me at least, that doesn't really exist. He's a contradiction of a contradiction, and even if he was real, then I'm sure he would be with some bitchy Barbie doll who doesn't deserve any guy - let alone him. So the ideal guy I suppose is just a way to pass the time and avoid the physics a little longer. And as for transformation, I'd much rather see Jason as is than watch him try to become something he's not.

I'm happy ;)

This weekend was awesome. Heh, starting Thursday :P Brit and Sara's party was fun, seeing everyone was really great. Then Friday I got to see Jason, we had dinner and rented a movie and such. Then Saturday Jay came and stayed with me and we went to a club for Krystal's birthday. Hehe, for someone who 'doesn't dance', he sure was dancing ;-) I had a really good time. Sunday we just kinda hung out at my house until I had to go to work, had some Sonic, played some Smash Bros, that kinda stuff :P But this weekend was great, I got to see lots of people, got to do lots of stuff...I felt like it was actually summertime! With all the school and work and stuff I haven't felt that too much this summer. I mean all the stuff I'm doing is great, but I'd kinda been missing all the hanging out.

So with all these people commenting on their "ideal mates" I thought maybe I should write about mine. My ideal guy would be tall, over 6 feet, with blonde-brown hair and blue or blue-green eyes that are soft and piercing at the same time. He would be muscular but not overly so...able to sweep me off my feet or carry me over a giant puddle, but not obsessed about his strength. A guy who knows as much about theatre as he does cars, and though he plays video games he can set them down. Facial hair that complements his face, none is ok too. His personality would have to be something different. He would have to be able to put up with me but still keep his own thoughts and opinions, witty but not sarcastic, intelligent, and confident but not cocky. Tasteful tattoos are attractive, but not excessive "i don't need a shirt, i have tattoos" kind of thing. Piercings vary, eyebrow bar if it looks good, earring maybe, perhaps a nipple, but he would have to look good in a suit and tie too. It'd be a plus if he was a good cook, and...I'm tired of typing, so I'll finish later.

Look for Ideal Guy: The Continuation coming soon to a blog near you!

Real post? Maybe...

Hmm, so are there certain phrases that just kinda....get to you? Like when someone says it, it sparks radical response? (ie either makes you really happy or really upset) Maybe I'm just weird like that, but it seems that just a few certain words or phrases can turn a shitty day into the 'best day ever' or turn a good day into brooding hatred. Perhaps that means I'm 'overly-sensitive' to some things? I dunno, when it comes to turning a good day bad, people tell me I 'tweak out' really easily and quite eccentrically. I mean I see it and I feel bad once I realize I'm doing it, but then I just go do it again. Change is hard. I don't know what to do. I guess slowly, little by little, I'm making the changes. But it seems so slow. Comments on this welcome. Maybe I'm not weird, at least not in this respect?

Can't wait for Brittnee's party tomara, its gonna be so fun! :-D And Krystal's b-day is Saturday, hopefully will get to go to that too! Yay for getting to do stuff :) Yay more for getting to do stuff AND see Jason at the same time! Yay also for almost being done with physics. Jeez, I don't think it will ever end...and after that last test, it really needs to. Like really. A lot.

Yay for Memegens!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
age
Stripper Name:	Tina Tingles
Specialty:	wearing the best outfits
Customers say:	"Best $20 I've ever spent..."
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	Coke bottles
Your Favorite Target:	Nuns
Your Kill Count:	1,361,555,606
Your Battle Cry:	"Beans."
Years You Spend in Jail:	21
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$128,234,211,195,540
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 66%
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

I r feeling betterer. It s a good feeling :) Med center stuff is really cool, I'm enjoying myself. I'm watching Jason hang up his clothes in his boxers, it's pretty funny. Heh heh heh.

Hmm what else. Physics is sucking more every day.MORE AND MORE AND MORE! I'm kinda bored, just chilling out waiting for Jay to finish doing stuff, we're going out to dinner with Chris and Kellie for her b-day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLIE! Not much else really, just chillin. Ok, I'm tired of typing, no real revelations lately, at least none I'm willing to share...

end-o

Guess what!? I don't feel like typing but I feel like posting. New quizzes. Hey, don't bitch, you know you take them when you're really bored.

I am a Space-invader. I will happily recruit the help of friends to aid me in getting what I want. I have no tolerance for people getting in my way, and I am completely relentless until any threats or opposition are removed. I try to be down-to-earth, but something always seems to get in the way. What Video Game Character Are You?

Maybe a real post later if I feel like it..

More quizzes... complements of spending 3+ hours on physics and only getting about a chapter and a half (maybe) done. I fucking hate physics.

You are Sneakers! You're an active girl, who's all about function You dress for the occasion - comfort comes first Your perfect guy? Someone who can keep up with you. You'll find him - but you might have to slow down to see him! What Shoe Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Lip Gloss Flavor Is: Cotton Candy You're a total girly girl who's every guy is sweet on. You take pleasure in the simple things in life, from cute t-shirts to stuffed animals. Any guy needs to match your romantic idealism to win your heart, which is why few have. No wonder Cotton Candy is your signature flavor. It's delicious, sugary, and fun - like you! What Flavor Lip Gloss Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Haha, that on is right on....riiight :P

You Are a Boy Shorts Bikini! You're a sexy girl - but not the type that likes to let it all hang out. You are in to a little of everything at the beach - swimming, tanning, playing And when you're running around, you'll be sure your butt isn't falling out of your suit What Kind of Bikini Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Quiz, because I don't have much of anything better to do...


cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Hopefully in a few days all will pass. I hope so... a lot. I feel so...so...bleh right now, I don't want to do anything. I don't even really feel like going to the med ctr tomorrow for my first day, which sucks because I was really psyched about the opportunity. Everything seems mediocre right now, and I feel less than so.

I hate. I think that's all I can say. I don't quite know what I hate, but I know that I do. I'm full of it. Up to the brim, overflowing with the feeling. I feel like everything I want to pull towards me is being pushed away and everything I want to get the hell away is sitting right around me, waiting for me to explode into a million pieces. Yeah, yeah, this blog is a rant, deal with it. Or leave, whatever.

"I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under"
~Evanescence

I don't know where all my unhappiness originates...

Maybe it's because I got my probation letter from the UH scholarship office today. Could be because my physics prof went through an entire chapter in 35 mins today. Could be because I had to stand in the rain at work for an hour today. Could be a whole bunch of other shit that I don't feel like typing again b/c the first copy of this blog was erased...whatever.

On a somewhat anti-shitty note, I finally get to start at the Med Ctr Wednesday. It's pretty much one of the few things I'm looking forward to - that and the obvious getting to see Jason sometime. I feel so secluded from everyone else. Everybody is all down on campus pretty much every day and I'm all 30-45 mins away. I miss everybody, it sucks.

So I've had this pretty much constant headache for the last few days...it's not cool and I'm not sure why it won't go away. If I cared enough it might be a point of worry, but alas, the care factor isn't there. It isn't anywhere, unfortunately. Except in the things that I care about no matter what. I think if I stopped caring altogether... well I dunno what, but it wouldn't be good.

have you ever wanted to stop a post in mid sen

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

A quiz compliments of...well I'm not exactly sure who. I mean I know who's site I pulled it from, but I don't really know who they are, other than a name and a picture from someone else's wallet. Jennie, sorry you're not doing so well, although I haven't met you Jason seems to care a lot for you, so you must be a pretty good person. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Leaving for Dad's canoe race tomara, it starts Saturday. Gonna be muddy as hell. And the mosquitoes are literally gonna pick me up and carry me away. Outlook for the weekend: fun as hell :P

I think I really take what I have for granted sometimes. It makes me feel really bad when I think about it and realize how much I have and how all I do is bitch about what I want. I know that I should see that more often, but it's so easy to get lost in a sea of 'consumer whoring' that sometimes even I forget. I worry that I will become like my mum sometimes; thinking that the only things I should do are things that benefit me directly and generally in terms of money. I don't think she wants me to volunteer at the Heart Institute. She'd rather me either work more or...work more. I dunno, I'm really really looking forward to the end of every week when I get to drive down to the Med Center and help out. I don't think she understands how I feel and I don't know how to express it to her. I met this guy at the volunteer orientation, he gets up at 5am for work, then puts in a school day after that, then comes to volunteer in the ER 3-4 days a week, not getting home until after 11pm. Then gets up at 5am all over again. It was really inspiring. I wish I could motivate myself like that. I feel like I don't have the drive to do anything; I want to go to med school more than anything and know I'll never get there unless I start kicking ass in class, but I can't seem to do it right...
::sigh:: the mum is calling, guess that's all for now.

Its just the beginning of the beginning of the end....

So, another great weekend :) I envy all you people who get to see Jason everyday. I miss him lots.

Haha so my dad's canoe race thing is this upcoming weekend and he's naming his boat "The Naked Truth" (this isn't funny to anyone who hasn't heard the story from 2 years ago...) I got him a sticker for the boat of a guy running around naked...he laughed for like 5 minutes. It was great :P

Phys sucks. Even when I kinda know what I'm doing from last semester b4 I dropped, it still sucks. A chapter a day is ridiculously bang-your-head-against-the-wall bad. ::shrug:: I guess it could b worse, at least the prof is good. hehe, he says "omega" as "oh-meh-gaah" Its great. :P

Work consistently makes me angry. The stupid people making me do this stupid training to learn how to greet a guest is fucking retarded. I don't need to be at Splashtown til fuckin 11pm to learn how to say "Hi, how are you" It's fucking common courtesy. Maybe the assholes who don't know how to say hello shouldn't be hired in the 1st place. Damn. I might not always be nice, but you pay me, even if the pay is shitty and I realize that part of my job is to put on the fake smile and make other people feel welcome and feel like they haven't wasted their obscene amount of money to get into the park. People need to not be so fucking stupid and incompetent. Grr.

On the other hand, I've been pretty happy with the lack of work I've had to do the past few days...for one reason or another for the past 3 or 4 days I've worked I haven't really had to do anything. But the people still make me want to kill.

So does Verizon. Way to get people into contracts that last longer than you know the shitty phones you sell ever could. And then, the only way to get a new phone without paying the billion dollars they want for it without a contract is to renew your contract til somewhere around 2010...come on, what the fuck? All I wanted was you to fix my phone even...but nooooo. Bah, I wanna blow them up too. ::whistley downward spiral noise:: KaBoom.

Ok, well thats all my bitching for now, I have to wake up all early to go to class tomorrow....

haha, Ian showed me this and when I saw I had to post it:

"Where all the people from Channelview go" ~Ian

Bedtime, school tomara :(

This weekend has been fun :) at least after 3pm Saturday.

So after I got off work I got to go to Katy to go see Jason, which was great, I missed him so much. Much food and fun to be had :) Saw Amityville (is that how you spell it?) Horror, scariness... ::shudder::
1) I would NOT buy a house somebody died in
2) If somehow I did, I would fucking leave after creepy scary thing #1.

Saw Shrek2, it was good, better even than the 1st one I think. All I can say is "We're up the chocolate creek without a popsicle stick, boss" and my cat is SO getting boots.

Also saw The Life of David Gale, which I'd actually never heard of til Jason told me about it. Wasn't released in theatres, but very good movie. Wicked ending.

So Katy Mills mall is apparently the "cool" place to be... I got a hat...AND...it doesn't look retarded on me. At least I don't think so. Hmm not really anything interesting, one of those posts where everyone pretends to read it and then clicks the little X in the corner 1/4 of the way thru. If you made it this far, mad props to you.

So everybody seems to have really serious blogs lately...I really haven't been in the mood to be serious. Fuckin school starts Tuesday and I don't feel like doing anything ever again. I don't think it's even laziness... I think it's just lack of fucking caring. The things I care about, I deal with, I'm around, etc. But I don't want to deal with the things that I don't give a fuck about. It seems the more I feel love, the more capable I am of feeling hate. Which I really don't see as a good thing. I'm not a person who hates naturally. But it seems that the more open I'm becoming to experiencing love, the more hate I feel as well. Not toward the things that bring love, but still...just something I think about I guess.

So you know how "the day doesn't end until you go to bed"? Yeah I should have fuckin gone to sleep at goddamn 7 o'clock when I got home. This definitely hasn't been my day. From the time I woke up until now, right before I go to bed, all shitty. I don't like going to bed when things aren't ok between me and people I'm talking to, but I guess I haven't really got a choice, do I?

Fuck splashtown, fuck money, fuck school and fuck my goddamn computer.

If tomorrow isn't a better day I'm just gonna fucking go to bed. Fuck "trying to make it better". That's all bullshit.

So I got the volunteer thing at the Heart Institute! :-D I'm really excited about it, gotta call this other lady and make an appointment, and then I officially start. Yay! And I start work at Splashtown tomorrow...that will be fun for about 2 or 3 weeks and then I'll want to kill everyone who comes in the park - hey! just like last year! But I already have 1 comp ticket, and should get at least one more for working Monday (i think) so once I get a few, maybe some people wanna come to the park with me? It'd b freeeee :P Mebbe closer to when school starts or somethin, iono, just an idea...

Let's see, what else? I went and saw my sister's band concert and was actually quite surprised; my ears weren't bleeding by the end of it. That was my good deed to her for the rest of the month. That and I put together the damn retarded electric scooter she's getting for her birthday tomorrow... so yeah, I've been a good sister since I got home :P haha right.

I get to see Jason on Saturday, I'm so excited :-D I'm even gonna get off work early so it's not all uber late when I get there. We get to spend part of Saturday and most of Sunday together, so definetly looking forward to that.

I think that's about all, and if it's not that's all I feel like typing right now. :)
yay

Stupid people make me want to kill them. So do bitchy people. And incompetent people who are being paid far too much in their jobs for doing nothing - because they are incompetent. Then there are the competent people being paid 1/2 as much as these incompetent dildos, yet they do 2x+ as much work. Amazing how fucked up that is. Wow.

Hmm...

-Waiting to hear on the Heart Institute thing....should find out Monday or Tuesday ::excited anticipation::

-Renewed my lifeguard training this weekend, it seems uber much easier the second time around (not that it was hard the first time around....)

-Gonna work 10 hour days all this week after I go thru Orientation...that way I can take off a little bit early Saturday and go see my Jason the rest of the weekend :-D Yay for bribing parents by not being home? heh heh seems like a win-win situation to me!

-Got car back from shop finally...it has A/C now! ::dance::

-Got digital camera, now just need something cool to take pics of...

-I'm not sure why this is all "outliney" and bulleted and stuff, but it seemed cool at the time...I think I'm done though. I kinda want some food. Mmmmm food....

Not too much to say, kinda bored. Get to go to Med Ctr Friday to talk to Dr. Rosenstrauch. ::excited:: Hmm, what else...get my car back tomorrow...
ooh! Got hair cut today :) I like it...It's fun. It was really funny getting it cut. I kinda told the lady what I wanted, and then she was like "how about this?" so i was like.."ok" and then she said "this would be cute, what do you think?" and it continued like that for...probably 3 or 4 different things. Heh, its fun though, kinda different than anything else I've had. (heh and writing this keeps Jason wondering what it looks like - Neener neener neener!)

Mmm so I'm bored. If you see me online, IM me and make me unbored :)

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE SCHOOL. I'VE HAD IT. I'M DONE.

Hmm, so a new post...

I think for some reason 5 minutes of boredom is like an eternity of hell to me for some reason. I don't get it. Friday I went and saw Troy, Saturday was Dathan's party, Sunday I spent most of the day with Jason....I wasn't bored during any of that stuff...but I get home and of course there's nothing to do, nobody around...and it seems like being bored for a little while completely detracts from all the fun stuff. Makes me think I'm going to go insane...

So speaking of all the non-boring stuff I've done since being home:

Troy was ok..not exceptional, but not terrible. The fight scene between Achilles and was really cool I thought...

I had fun at Dathan's graduation party; played some pool (yay for incredibly lucky shots!), went swimming, etc etc. (sorry we left early :( )

Spending all day Sunday just with Jason was nice :) Even though it had only been like 2 days since we moved out of the dorms, we missed each other and it was nice to be able to just lie in bed together for a bit (even though his dogs went crazy for like 20 minutes over some other dog that got in the yard). Plus we had lunch with his parents which was fun too cuz they're cool :)

Yeah, so anyway, I got home and then went and saw my grandparents for a bit...that was ok, but then got back home and was incredibly bored. Still, incredibly bored. I kinda feel bad for all you people who read this, it seems like when I'm bored is the second most used reason that I post (#1 is when I'm upset, but not much of that lately :D ) And of course, it's mostly nonsense...what else would you expect from me?

Hmm, so didn't get too much sleep last night, and I'm pretty tired. Think I'll trade the boredom for some unconciousness...yay for sleep =-)

So I was looking at people's profiles, and I came across a few that were; in a few different ways...quite disturbing.

Quote from Jason's profile:

"Dont let anybody make you think, that God chose America as his divine messeanic force to be, a sort of policeman of the whole world, God has a way of standing before the nations with judgement and it seems that I can hear God saying to America your too arrogant, if you dont change your ways I will rise up and break the backbone of your power, and I'll place it in the hands of a nation that doesn't even know my name, bestill and know that I'm God, men will beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks, nations will not rise up against nations, neither shall they study war any more, and I dont know about you I ain't gonna study war no more"

~Martin Luther King Jr.

Adam's Profile:

Think of someone of "average" intelligence. Then think half the world is dumber than that.

~~~~~~~~~~
In light of everything I see, everything I hear, and everything I don't, I think that humanity is definetly, DEFINETLY in for some trouble. Seen the "End of the world" cartoon? Yeah, seems funny, only more true every day. War may be inevitable, but then again, how smart is it to poison the world you live in to rid yourself of something you don't want to deal with? I dunno, I'm not very educated on what's going on outside right now, but it seems the choices being made are downright stupid. No, I don't have alternative solutions, so I guess I'm just as bad as the people making the choices, but it seems so wrong...so wrong.

So it just kind of dawned on me today...that it's been an entire (school) year that I've spent here. It passed so quickly it seems. So many memories, many already forgotten, some that should be, some that will never be. I was also thinking how petty every argument seems after everything that's happened the past few days.

"Every now and then when the world steps in
Stealin' all our time away
It soon takes so much, we forget to touch
That's when I know it's time for me to say...

Take my hand let's walk through love's door
And be free from the world once more
Here's my arms, we can hide today
And love the world away

Once again we'll be where our hearts are free
And the time is ours to share
Love will always stay just a touch away
Come with me all the magic's waiting there

Take my hand let's walk through love's door
And be free from the world once more
Here's my heart, we can hide today
And love the world away"

Yeah, it was random. But it kinda threw itself in.

So I might be getting some "volunteer work" i.e. trade myself for medical branch connections this summer at the Texas Heart Institute. Potentially fuckin' awesome. Even if I'd just be colonizing petri dishes...gotta start somewhere, no? And the Dr. I'd be working under does have like 2 floors of the damn building dedicated to her research. I'd say that makes her pretty fuckin' important. Damn, such awesome potential. *excited* Supposed to meet with her late next week, hope I find out soon after that! :) yaay

*sparkle**sparkle*

So I find it interesting how death randomly decides to present itself. I heard somewhere, or read somewhere or something like that, that suicides always occur in chains - one person does it and then others see this and, sadly enough, it almost becomes like a mini-fad. 3 or 4 people in a row follow in a short period of time. It actually seems like it's true - for most the people I've known who have killed themselves - it's occured in short bursts almost...2 or 3 in a span of a few months then everyone seems okay, then it repeats.

At one point I think I saw why people have the desire to remove themselves from this world...at one point I think I might have agreed with them - that here isn't a place worth living in. And then I changed my mind. It wasn't some "revelation from God" or some near death experience that made me realize how much my life was really worth. It was simply the fact that I was sitting around one day staring at a bottle of pills and wondering just how many I would have to take, when I realized how incredibly fucking retarded I must look. I had no real reason to 'hate everything.' No irreparable damage had been done to or by me. I had no reason to justify my potential action. So I set them down. Literally, I set them down and went to watch TV. The world might not be the best of all possible, it might not be beautiful and wonderful and heart-warming all the time, but the way I see it, you've just got one life...instead of wasting it, why not try to make it the place you want it to be? I think that might be one of the biggest things that has inspired me to be a doctor. I might not be able to change the world as a whole, but I can help other people keep the chance to change it. And that's how I've seen it every day since I set that bottle down: Why give up and leave a bad world bad? Why not stay and try to make it better?
I guess I should remember that those days when I want nothing more than to go to Fiji...guess nobody's perfect, eh?

So....
Finals. Finally over. YAY! No more school until....June 1st. BUT, after that's over (July 7th), then no more school until....July 8th...dammit. BUT then once THAT'S over (August 15th) no more school until...August 23rd. GOD DAMMIT! bah, oh well, I guess that's my choice. It'll be ok, just 1 class at a time, so not too terribly bad :P (insert masochistic comment here) I guess I should just enjoy the break I have while I have it.

Let's see, what else? Unlofted my bed, took home a bunch of my stuff, had my parents bring home a bunch of stuff that wouldn't fit in my car since they were over on Westheimer for some reason today, got all the stuff figured out that my mom has been buggin me about...yeah, I feel like I've actually accomplished stuff today. Unfortunately what I accomplished was that I have to go in person to people to get stuff figured out. That's all I figured out :P hehe BUT, it's all good, cuz...I don't feel inspired to do much of anything else. I need to call my boss at Edenbrook to see if I can still work over the summer, but I kinda don't want to. I'm already working at Splashtown, but that pays a lot less...::shrug:: iono....

Hmm well...that's about it....weeeeeeee

::sigh::

So once again, I have learned {the hard way} that tweaking out about stuff that is no longer in your control is one of the most detrimental things you can do. Not only with regard to everything else I still have to do this week, but also with regard to my health....my sanity....my relationships with other people....everything. Damn, you'd think I'd learn after the first 400 million times I tweak out needlessly that that's what it is: needless. Dammit. Yeah, so things got bad, but they're getting better I guess. Or rather, they're getting not as bad. This was supposed to be a GPA-boosting semester...but unless I pull god-awfully amazing things in cal and human sit it's not looking to be that way. BUT - that's ok, cuz I'm NOT going to tweak out about it. At least not right now. Maybe after Friday. But not now.

Study time...again.

Blah. So now begins the uber 4 days of super studying for the uber finals that - since they are sooo close together - I could never possibly prepare as well as I'd like to for. Man, so Jason is right; the university is run by retarded business people who have no idea how hard other majors are.

So now, I disappear from everywhere and force the lack of attention span to not make me go crazy with studying. So if you think it's been awhile since you've heard from me, check around and/or call me to make sure I'm not crazy or dead. :)

If u saw my profile, you saw this, but I like it so I'll put it here too:

The future is easy, for it never comes...
The present is simple, we live it every day...
The past is hard, for once it is, it is forever...

I also like:

The phrase "why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" has made me think:"Why do at all what you would rather put off until tomorrow?"

So here's the latest list of things that I hate:

1) Cal 3
2) Chem
3) 4 finals in 3 days
4) Being broke
5) Parents that don't understand
6) Wanting something you can't afford (see 4)
7) The pain in your back that comes from bad posture
8) People who overstay their welcome
9) Distractions when you're trying really hard to get something done (yeah, I know, I'M a distraction to people too...)
10) People who are your friend til you step out of the room


BUT, things I love (appreciated more because of the above list):
1) Friends who will talk to you whenever you need it
2) Friends in general
3) Walking around campus at 1 am
4) Watching the sky (ie, the clouds, the stars, the rain...whatever it's all good to me)
5) Running through the rain
6) Late night food runs
7) Inside jokes that people have long forgotten
8) Soda in glass bottles
9) Getting through 4 finals in 3 days (yet to come...we shall see :P)
10) Everyone who told me 'it's ok' or 'it will be ok'. It really will.


I found the source of my unhappiness these last few months. I think it's been fixed. Other than wanting to set my cal book on fire. (But that's different) And, I think in the past 2 or 3 weeks I've learned to control my tic without the stupid meds. Most of the time at least.

I've decided not to let people piss me off as easily. It's stupid and most of the time it's the goal they're going for anyway. So all you people out there trying to piss me off (are there any ? :P) it just got harder. So HA.

I apologize to everyone who has been forced to slog through reading all of my stupid petty bullshit on this. I'd delete it all, but I think it teaches me a lesson.